Smith’s Provisions, longtime purveyor of meat products for the Erie area, has announced that it is adding organic tofu to their list of products available for purchase. The tofu made its debut at the new Erie County Farms last week, prompting long time Smith’s customer Neil Osbourne to declare, “What the hell is THAT?” as […]
Things you should not wear to a job interview:
It’s hysterical, but don’t.
Things not to do on a job interview:
Things not to put on your resume:
Under other interests:
Note: hunting mimes and shrinking their heads is acceptable, and if you should happen to scrapbook about it…whatever.
Under accomplishments:
Final and key piece of advice:
Don’t do this.
| jack elam you sure ask a lot of questions | |
| happy face idiot | |
| wifes feet dont smell enough | |
| cartoon scientists pictures | |
| punch an idiot in the face day | |
| bug eyed cartoon characters | |
| job interview with gator boots | |
| school counselors dumb | |
| my idiot neighbor |
Several random thoughts immediately leapt into my brain after this cluster of search terms appeared on my stats page.
Note: there’s a lot of room in my brain for random thoughts to leap, stretch out, or do an entire gymnastic floor routine; it’s pretty vacant up there.
Thoughts such as:
After doing an extensive amount of research (Google) I discovered “punch an idiot in the face day” isn’t a real thing.
Bitter disappointment.
Then I had another thought: just because something isn’t a real thing, doesn’t mean it can’t be.
So after once again doing an extensive amount of research (Wikipedia) into the process of initiating a ballot measure in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, I came to a conclusion: it’s a lot more work than I am willing to do.
Just a few of the things required:
See what I mean, and this is just the first page.
Then I had another thought (I’ve been on fire with thoughts lately) I need to think like a politician: I just need to convince a bunch of willing dupes to pursue my vision, let them do all the work, then take all the credit when the initiative passes.
Brilliant.
I will keep you updated.
“Hello, I’m Jack Elam, and every day is punch an idiot in the face day for me, idiot.”
Memes save lives. 17-year-old Nate Masterson can attest to that. Though he stood outside death’s door for a while, he found the will to live all because of a meme. “I was lying in a coma. Not feeling anything. You know, comatose. And then, I just sensed something… wonderful. Something exquisite. Something GLORIOUS! All of […]
It happened last night, as it has before, on other Saturday nights. My wife and I had taken our seats at a nice restaurant, and the waiter asked if we’d like to order drinks. My wife asked for a glass of chardonnay–whichever was oakiest–and I ordered a malbec. “We have two,” the waiter said, as my wife […]
(image source: wpcliparts.com)
People in this country will forgive a lot of things, maybe even most things, but there is one thing people find unforgivable.
One thing that is so contemptuous, so vile, that it will send normally docile people over the edge.
It causes the young and healthy to have debilitating brain aneurysms, and reduces white-haired grandmothers to obscene gestures and obscenity laced tirades.
It even caused Pope Francis to punch a mime in the face.
What is this one thing: people who screw-up traffic.
Note: I was just kidding about people who screw-up traffic causing Pope Francis to punch a mime in the face; mimes are the reason Pope Francis punched a mime in the face.
Other motorists don’t care why you’re screwing up traffic, just that you are screwing up traffic. You could be slumped over your steering wheel with an arrow protruding from one of your eyes sockets and most compassionate thing you’re gonna hear from another motorist is: “Hey idiot–use your good eye.”
The incident causing traffic to be screwed-up could be completely beyond your control.
Note: In an unrelated matter, did you know that without transmission fluid, a car is less of an automobile and more of a giant metal traffic clogger? It is.
Here are just some of the ways you can screw-up traffic:
“Shove it!”
(image source: wpclipart.com)
Remember: it doesn’t matter why you’ve screwed-up traffic, just that you have.
Do you think that people hate O.J. Simpson because he got away with double-homicide? No. It’s because when the police came to get him, he got in that Ford Bronco, got on the California highway on a Friday afternoon and screwed-up traffic.
City officials are cautioning residents to not get their hopes up for this season’s Eight Great Tuesdays as they have announced that only three of the affairs will be of high enough quality to truly be deemed “great.” “Three of them are going to great, no doubt,” according to spokesperson Belinda Butcher. “Additionally, two others […]
via City: Only Three of the Eight Great Tuesdays Will Actually be Great — gooferie
I am the proud father of two sons, now in their twenties, who–like most such humans–passed successfully through what are known as the “teenaged” years. During the same period I was the owner of two male cats. As I saw it, my job in the case of the former was to raise them into upstanding […]
via How to Tell Your Teenaged Son From a Dead Rodent — Gerbil News Network
The following search engine terms cropped up on my stats page:
So it seems there is someone out there with a problem. I have few points to make. (And yes, I’m going to ignore the “sexy man riding a unicorn images” addition to this list, it horrifies me.)
However, after a great deal of soul-searching (watching several episodes of The Rockford Files on Netflix) I came to a conclusion: why shouldn’t I be able to help?
After doing exhaustive research, (mostly googling weird penis problems) conferring with a myriad of professionals, (friends who I thought would get a good chuckle out of weird penis problems) and pondering all the possibilities, I decided that I could be of assistance.
The Question:
Why does it look like my penis has bug bites on the bottom of it?
The Answer:
You have probably put your penis somewhere you shouldn’t have.
The Solution:
Stop doing that.
Life really is simple if you want it to be.
If you should happen to try this search term, don’t click on images. Just don’t do it.
A mother’s effort to honor her young children went terribly wrong when the tattoo she got of her son’s name was spelled incorrectly — so she took what some might call an unusual approach. Fortunately her friends and family convinced her not to have her armed amputated, but instead to rename her son after the tattoo.
“Kevin,” the two-year-old son of Johanna Sandstrom, of Sweden, was renamed “Kelvin” after a tattoo artist inked the wrong name on her arm.
Sandstrom’s tattoo read: Nova & Kelvin which was clearly a mistake.
“I had never heard the name ‘Kelvin’ before,” she said. “There isn’t anyone who names their kid Kelvin; lots of people name their kids Fahrenheit or Celsius, but never Kelvin. So when I thought more about it, I realized that no one else has this name. It became unique. Now we think it is better than Kevin.”
It also seemed a lucky stroke for Sandstrom’s daughter, whose name was changed from Ass-faced Hag to Nova, following the erroneous tattoo.
When asked to explain the mistake, the Swedish tattoo artist simply said, “in my previous job I wrote the assembly instructions for Ikea products; I was bound to screw this up incomprehensibly.”
Sandstrom told the newspaper she’ll make sure to check “10,000 times” before she gets the name of her third child, Freja, tattooed.
“Or maybe I’ll just get a skull with a snake slithering through it’s eye socket,” she added, “it’s 50/50 right now.”
This was supposed to read, Freja.
idiotpruf 