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A Few Helpful Hints For Your Job Interview

Things you should not wear to a job interview:

  • A belt buckle that reads: The Boss Sucks.
  • Your “I’m too drunk to care” t-shirt.
  • That shirt you own that has a mustard stain shaped like Jiminy Cricket.
  • That shirt you own that has a siracha stain shaped like Donald Duck.
  • Any shirt, with any stain, shaped like any Disney character.
  • That sombrero you’re so proud of.
  • Your alligator boots. (Especially if you’re interviewing for a job with Peta.)
  • Your lucky pair of pants. They may be lucky, but the hole in the crotch isn’t doing you any favors.
  • Your eye patch. Yes, it makes you look dangerous and cool, but don’t.
  • Your Omar Moreno wig. Yes, it’s hysterical, but don’t.
omar moreno hair

It’s hysterical, but don’t.

Things not to do on a job interview:

  • Turn every innocuous statement into a double entendre by responding with the phrase: that’s what she said.
  • Bring in Leonard, your pet lizard, because you think the interviewer might enjoy seeing how a lizard can devour an entire rat.
  • Bring in Wilbur, your pet wombat, because you think the interviewer might be fascinated by how much a wombat can crap.
  • Go on a tirade about your previous boss, using phrases such as, weasel-faced penis, rat-fink, or tiny brained flea.
  • Punctuate the tirade by saying, “of course, I was stealing from the company to finance my crystal meth habit.”
  • Nod toward a picture of your interviewer’s wife, give him a knowing wink and say, “sweet.”
  • Don’t lean into your interviewer, carefully study his face, and then say, “a good plastic surgeon could fix that.”
  • Don’t try to show your interviewer how clever you are by guessing her age and weight.
  • Don’t ask your interviewer if he’s prematurely gray, or just dirt-old.
  • Don’t recommend a good wrinkle cream.
  • Under no circumstance should you ask your interviewer to “smell this.”
  • Don’t do anything the voices in your head tell you to do; they don’t have your best interest in mind.
  • Don’t introduce your interviewer to Phineas, your imaginary friend.
  • Don’t tell your interviewer that Phineas thinks he smells good.
  • Don’t demonstrate your conscientiousness by pointing out that you’re waiting until after the interview to get stoned.


Things not to put on your resume:

Under other interests:

  • Your plot to overthrow the government and replace it with a puppet regime. Definitely don’t mention the puppets are Bert and Ernie.
  • Discussing your alien abduction, and various alien probing methods.
  • Your collection of shrunken heads.
  • Scrapbooking.
  • Hunting the world’s most dangerous prey: humans.
  • Miming.

Note: hunting mimes and shrinking their heads is acceptable, and if you should happen to scrapbook about it…whatever.

Under accomplishments:

  • Your swift rise to power as president of the Justin Bieber fan club.
  • Finishing at the top of your taxidermy class. (Again, this mostly applies if your interviewing for a job with Peta.)
  • Your fluency in Klingon.
  • Having been a cast member of any television show with the words “the housewives of” in the title.

Final and key piece of advice:

  • Just don’t be yourself.
bad interview

Don’t do this.

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38 thoughts on “A Few Helpful Hints For Your Job Interview

  1. Useful info. I’m looking for work at the moment and will try to keep it in mind. Such a lot to remember though, what with sitting on the chair not the desk, not licking the door frame, arriving on time, on the right day and at the right address.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Actually, I think some of those people have gotten jobs with us. At the moment we are specializing in people who can’t pass a background check. For a job stocking at a big box. Nature’s way of thinning the pool – starvation.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I guess I’ll have to save my Beets and Goat Urine Cologne from Christian Dior for other special occasions.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My favorite is: “Bring in Wilbur, your pet wombat, because you think the interviewer might be fascinated by how much a wombat can crap.” It’s probably good I’m not a hiring manager b/c I think I probably would be impressed by a wombat’s fecal volume and be tempted to hire said candidate.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m sure “Smell this” can be appropriate if you’re applying for a position of a chef or a perfume designer. Even then, the danger of making a mistake is too high.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. MWAHAHAHA 😹 OH MY KATS!!!!!!!!


  7. They want you stupid so you can’t think for yourself and can be made a robot but then if you are stupid they won’t hire you. What’s the answer.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I will never give up my t-shirt. Never. I Don’t Care what you say.
    Oh, and Why do I have to stop asking “Are you prematurely Gay?”
    I would think they would know for sure early on… seem like a good question.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. What I gather from reading tips about job interviews and resume writing is this: don’t be yourself. No one would ever hire you.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. “Turn every innocuous statement into a double entendre by responding with the phrase: that’s what she said.”—Ha, I couldn’t help picturing this one. Makes me wish one of the late shows would try something like that as a prank. The unsuspecting interviewer’s reaction would be hilarious to watch.


  11. longchaps2 on said:

    Ah, darn, I’ve struck out in every category. Although I do make a mean paper airplane. Sure that’s not acceptable?

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Being an ineffectual, unassuming, awkward, shy person doesn’t help with getting work either. If you stutter, lose your train of thought, or just are not comfortable at interviews–you’re doomed.

    Loved your list. (Never apply at a factory wearing a dress shirt. They hate that. makes them think you want the boss’s position.)

    Liked by 1 person

  13. …so “Hey, pull my finger!” is still okay? Whew. That’s a relief. (I’ve been self-employed since 1989 so my interview skills may be a tad rusty.)


  14. This was an excellent read. I hope next you’ll consider a post on what HR people shouldn’t do during an interview. Because the ones I’ve met did most of this, if not all. *grin*

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I have a 23 year old son who needs this list. He has a job, but still. He will, one day (hopefully no time soon) need another.

    Liked by 3 people

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