10 | July | 2018 | idiotprufs

A Few Helpful Hints For Your Job Interview

Things you should not wear to a job interview:

A belt buckle that reads: The Boss Sucks.
Your “I’m too drunk to care” t-shirt.
That shirt you own that has a mustard stain shaped like Jiminy Cricket.
That shirt you own that has a siracha stain shaped like Donald Duck.
Any shirt, with any stain, shaped like any Disney character.
That sombrero you’re so proud of.
Your alligator boots. (Especially if you’re interviewing for a job with Peta.)
Your lucky pair of pants. They may be lucky, but the hole in the crotch isn’t doing you any favors.
Your eye patch. Yes, it makes you look dangerous and cool, but don’t.
Your Omar Moreno wig. Yes, it’s hysterical, but don’t.

It’s hysterical, but don’t.

Things not to do on a job interview:

Turn every innocuous statement into a double entendre by responding with the phrase: that’s what she said.
Bring in Leonard, your pet lizard, because you think the interviewer might enjoy seeing how a lizard can devour an entire rat.
Bring in Wilbur, your pet wombat, because you think the interviewer might be fascinated by how much a wombat can crap.
Go on a tirade about your previous boss, using phrases such as, weasel-faced penis, rat-fink, or tiny brained flea.
Punctuate the tirade by saying, “of course, I was stealing from the company to finance my crystal meth habit.”
Nod toward a picture of your interviewer’s wife, give him a knowing wink and say, “sweet.”
Don’t lean into your interviewer, carefully study his face, and then say, “a good plastic surgeon could fix that.”
Don’t try to show your interviewer how clever you are by guessing her age and weight.
Don’t ask your interviewer if he’s prematurely gray, or just dirt-old.
Don’t recommend a good wrinkle cream.
Under no circumstance should you ask your interviewer to “smell this.”
Don’t do anything the voices in your head tell you to do; they don’t have your best interest in mind.
Don’t introduce your interviewer to Phineas, your imaginary friend.
Don’t tell your interviewer that Phineas thinks he smells good.
Don’t demonstrate your conscientiousness by pointing out that you’re waiting until after the interview to get stoned.

Things not to put on your resume:

Under other interests:

Your plot to overthrow the government and replace it with a puppet regime. Definitely don’t mention the puppets are Bert and Ernie.
Discussing your alien abduction, and various alien probing methods.
Your collection of shrunken heads.
Scrapbooking.
Hunting the world’s most dangerous prey: humans.
Miming.

Note: hunting mimes and shrinking their heads is acceptable, and if you should happen to scrapbook about it…whatever.

Under accomplishments:

Your swift rise to power as president of the Justin Bieber fan club.
Finishing at the top of your taxidermy class. (Again, this mostly applies if your interviewing for a job with Peta.)
Your fluency in Klingon.
Having been a cast member of any television show with the words “the housewives of” in the title.

Final and key piece of advice:

Don’t do this.