The Most Dangerous Animal?
I recently saw the following statement in a meme:
The Most Dangerous Animal in the World…
Is a Smiling Woman Sitting in Silence.
Wrong!
It’s this freaking thing:
“Come in the water, it’s nice.”
idiotpruf
The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.
Archive for the tag “comedy”
Smoking: What are You Waiting For?
Recently I jokingly asked someone if they could recommend a brand of cigarettes, because I needed a hobby, and I planned to take up smoking. This was met with a glassy-eyed stare and an earnest lecture against the evils of smoking.
I felt it was time to revisit an old post extolling the many reasons people should start smoking.
Note: so many of my jokes are met with glassy-eyed stares, I could use them to hypnotize people.
See how happy you could be.
(image source: wpclipart.com)
The plight of tobacco executives in our country.
With the combination of class action lawsuits and the implementation of restrictive legislation, the poor tobacco executives in our country have taken a terrible beating over the past several years. It has resulted in a precipitous tumble in their social standing; they have gone from being filthy stinking rich, to being only extremely well off. If we don’t take immediate action, where will it end?
The fate of our tobacco executives if we don’t take immediate action.
(image source: andertoons.com)
The word emphysema is really fun to say.
It’s a word that just rolls off your tongue. Em-phy-se-ma: one syllable just flows into the next. Try saying it once. Try saying it several times in a row. Try saying it quickly. Try saying it quickly several times in a row (unless you have emphysema: you might pass out).
The great thing about emphysema is that once you have it, it never goes away. And emphysema will affect nearly every aspect of your life; so you will have no trouble working it into daily conversation:
- The doctor diagnosed me with emphysema.
- I’m taking this medicine for my emphysema.
- I’d love to play with my grandchildren more, but I can’t because of my emphysema.
- I climbed two flights of stairs and collapsed in a sweaty quivering mass due to my emphysema.
- I won at scrabble when I played the word emphysema. Thank goodness I can still play board games.
Not only will you have fun with the word emphysema, but so will your friends and family, long after you’re gone:
- What a nice funeral. I guess the doctor said he would have survived the pneumonia if hadn’t been for the emphysema.
- He certainly died young, but his quality of life wasn’t very good with the emphysema.
- Remember that time he coughed up a piece of lung and we all laughed for hours; crazy thing that emphysema.
In a twist of irony, you won a scrabble tournament playing the words, healthy alveoli.
(image source: snapdesign.com)
You need to know what they’re talking about.
You’ve seen them huddled together, enjoying their cigarettes, with their furtive glances and secretive whispers.
They’re outside of the bar, the restaurant, the bank. They’re outside any and every place of business. They assemble in the wind, the rain, and the snow. They assemble regardless of scorching heat or an F5 tornado. Nothing deters them.
What can they be talking about? It must be of incredible importance. They must be solving the puzzles of the universe.
You’ve tried approaching them, but without a cigarette in your hand, they just regard you with disdain and disgust.
It’s been eating at you; you need to know what they’re talking about.
Note: It’s a little known fact that Albert Einstein developed both special and general relativity, while huddled with a bunch of coworkers outside of a patent office, in a brutal German snowstorm.
“Get lost, we’re discussing important things. We’re discussing a possible cure for cancer or emphysema. Hey, emphysema, that’s fun to say.”
(image source: sodahead.com)
To stick it to that know-it-all the Surgeon General
You’re a rebel and you don’t appreciate anybody telling you how to live your life. You certainly don’t need some preachy Surgeon General constantly yapping at you about lung cancer, heart disease, or 32 known carcinogens.
There are tons of dangerous activities out there that the Surgeon General has said absolutely nothing about:
-
Poking yourself in the eye with a stick.
- Dropping a brick on your toes.
- Insulting the wife of a tattoo laden biker dude.
- Juggling knives.
- Attempting to re-attach your fingers with a sewing needle and some thread following some ill-advised knife juggling.
- Hitting yourself repeatedly in the face with a hammer.
Why don’t hammers come with an explicate warning from the Surgeon General; you don’t have to hit yourself in the face more than five or six times with a hammer, to do some real damage.
If we’re going to make any real changes, it’s up to all of you out there to light up and start puffing away.
I’d start smoking today if my jaw wasn’t wired shut.
I’m launching a lawsuit; those irresponsible executives at Black & Decker, need to learn.
(image source: wpclipart.com)
A Wasp Nest and a Bad Idea
“How do you see this ending?” You ask your Uncle Finster.
“I don’t know what you mean?” Your Uncle Finster replies with a touch of petulance intertwined with genuine ignorance as he wildly swings a garden rake at the wasp nest directly above his head. He loses his balance and nearly tumbles from his perch, shakily atop the seat of a riding mower. He steadies himself before taking another wild swipe at the wasp nest.
You pause a moment to reformulate your words. “How do you imagine your state of being in, let’s say, ten minutes from now; do you think you’ll be well or not well?”
“I will be very well once I get rid of this wasp nest,” he says as he takes another swipe, missing the bottom of the nest by an inch. “Wasp nests are very dangerous.”
“They are very dangerous,” you acquiesce, “that’s why I’m standing at a distance and not directly under the wasp nest.”
“You have to break a few eggs to make an omelette.”
“But when you break an egg, wasps don’t fly out and sting in the face a thousand times.”
“Omelettes are delicious,” Uncle Finster admonishes you.
“Omelettes are delicious,” you agree. “A face full of wasp venom: slightly less so.”
Uncle Finster takes another wild swipe at the wasp nest, again barely missing it, this time losing his balance and nearly tumbling to the ground. “Are you here to help me or just to mock?”
“I’m definitely here to mock,” you clarify, “and I suspect to eventually call 911.”
Uncle Finster stops what he’s doing to look at you. “You always think the worst is going to happen.”
“This just reminds me of the time you had that hornet nest in your shed and you attempted to remove it with gasoline and a road flare.”
“I got rid of that hornet nest, didn’t I?”
“You got rid of the shed too.”
“I built a new shed.”
“And we all look forward to you burning that one down.”
Undeterred, Uncle Finster takes another swipe at the nest, again barely missing, and again nearly tumbling to the ground, regaining his balance just in time to swat a wasp from his face.
“That mower seat isn’t the sturdiest thing to stand on,” you warn Uncle Finster.
“This is the sturdiest mower on the market; that’s why I bought it.”
“I thought you bought it because your last mower burned up in the shed.”
Uncle Finster ignores your previous comment. “Maybe if I jump in the air while I swing the rake.”
“Maybe I should just get your ladder,” you offer.
“You can’t.”
“Why not?”
“It burned up in the shed too,” Uncle Finster tells you as he crouches down in preparation to jump.
“Of course it did,” you reply.
“Anyway,” he continues, “I have to get rid of this thing before my big kick-off-to-the-Summer Memorial Day picnic. I wouldn’t want anything to ruin it–my kick-off-to-the-Summer Memorial Day picnics always go so well.”
“What about last year?” you question.
“What about last year?” he demands.
“Uncle Philbert had a heart attack and fell face first into Aunt Peggy’s coleslaw.”
Uncle Finster halted his assault on the wasp nest for a moment to stop and reflect. “Aunt Peggy was really mad that no one would eat her coleslaw after that, but let’s be honest: nobody was going to eat that coleslaw,” he pauses for a moment to reflect with disgust, “she puts prunes in it.”
“Actually, Uncle Philbert’s heart attack was the main thrust of my point.”
Uncle Finster straightens and addresses you with all seriousness, “He survived didn’t he?”
“What about the year cousin Erina got the lawn dart stuck in her head?”
“She’s had worse things stuck in her head and it’s not like she’s going to get more stupid,” he says as he leaps in the air, unleashes a mighty swing at the wasp nest and catches the bottom of it. Uncle Finster crashes to the ground, followed by the rake which takes a strategic path straight to his forehead followed by the wasp nest and all its inhabitants.
It was glorious.
Uncle Finster did destroy the wasp nest. The admitting nurse at the emergency room laughed hysterically at pictures you got on your phone. And the wasps rebuilt their nest in Uncle Finster’s new shed.
So, all’s well that ends well…very well.
“It says here on your chart that you’re a dumbass.”
Justin Bieber’s Shrunken Face: More Weird Search Terms
It’s just so little.
As always, these are all real search terms from my stats page, rewritten exactly the way I found them, followed by a quick comment from myself.
why does it look like my penis has bug bites on the bottom of it You put your penis somewhere you shouldn’t have.
how to get wifes feet to stink like cheese I found 36 different combinations with the words: wife, feet, stink and cheese. Thank you Freshly Pressed for making my blog a foot fetish destination.
sexy man riding a unicorn images The poster on my bedroom wall, right next to my poster of Shaun Cassidy.
construction worker thumbs up thumbs up One fifth of The Village People, really happy really happy.
mooning kilt Aren’t all kilts for mooning?
my children’s story keep getting rejected Your story, Little Billy’s First Kite and the High Voltage Power Lines, was a little disturbing.
childrens story limburger cheese This one sucked too.
tom cruise is an idiot I am very honored that Nicole Kidman visited my blog.
how many idiot are in the church of scientology One less since Nicole left Tom.
cukes Exactly.
katie holmes open mouth Katie, stunned that I didn’t use her name for those jokes.
cartoon vomit on guy The disastrous result of my prom date with Olive Oyl.
dental phobia funny jokes There is nothing funny about dental phobias.
“pulled all his teeth” See!
pi alamode 3.14 pieces of pie with ice cream on top.
bug eyed black guy Dynomite! (If you get that reference, you’re old.)
bad guidance counselor of the year The guidance counselor who advised this guy.
His pay is all the honey he can eat.
Bug mac More gross than a Big Mac, but slightly more nutritious.
Why you should start smoking Because emphysema is fun to say.
a monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in south bend, indiana Man, those priests at Notre Dame are strict.
best reasons for kids to start smoking If a monkey can do it, it’s got to be fun.
tinkerbell playing football The reason Disneyland’s football team sucks.
mcdonalds fries and rats All I want is the rat, but they push the fries on me anyway.
snooki rhyme satire Much better that Snooki Haiku.
limerick about idiots But not as good as the limericks about Snooki.
cartoon boxers Much more comfortable than cartoon briefs.
bee angry angry bee happy redd bee One of Dr. Seuss’ lesser known works.
a vicious cartoon bear Boo Boo finally got sick of Yogi’s crap.
instrument for digging holes Really?
bigfoot smokes pot So do you if you don’t know what a shovel is called.
job interview stoned Not a good idea unless you’re applying to be Justin Bieber’s pilot.
justin biebers shrunken face I’m more than a little proud this search term brought someone to this blog.
boy band with clown Aren’t they all?
list of things that gets bulls angry Bull-riders, rodeo clowns, matadors, and boy bands. (It should be noted, the entire animal kingdom hates boy bands, especially badgers.)
permanent cure for athletes foot A hacksaw, a tourniquet, and a peg leg.
self-medication criteria in ungulates Just don’t put their medication in child proof bottles; they have a horrible time opening them with their hoofed feet.
self medicating before family gatherings Before…during…after.
stuff you never want to hear from a new neighbor Hi, you probably recognize me from the Jersey Shore.
facts about bigfoot They love Jack Links beef jerky, but they hate Jack Links Messin’ With Sasquatch commercials.
Sasquatch in the woods That too.
facts about mermaids They all have crabs. (As pets. What did you think I meant?)
can an idiot ride a unicorn Only if he’s a mythological idiot.
my summer story pictures Even the search term sounds boring.
girl tooth fairy girl green disney channel ??????
squat comedy I should be able to think of something funny for this, I just can’t.
lady gaga costume designer Also her butcher.
pee electricity words wisdom The first and last time you will ever see those words together.
cartoon cows behind an electric fence Are you sure that fence is electrified.
my penis hit an electric fence The worst possible way to check if a fence is electrified.
funny surprised face Your face two seconds after your penis touched that fence.
hysterical laughter cartoon Your friends two seconds after your penis touched that fence.
“Whoa, his face really has shrunken.”
Sewage Treatment Plant Takes a Dump In Lake Erie
“Here I come, Lake Erie.”
This past weekend in Dunkirk, NY, about 990,000 gallons of sewage was dumped into Lake Erie.
Officials at Dunkirk Wastewater Treatment Plant say the amount of rain that fell across the area played a role in the sewage leaking into Lake Erie.
Officials also say the sewage had been partially treated but with its discharge into Lake Erie, all 990,000 gallons of the sewage have been completely ruined.
Groundbreaking at Dunkirk Wastewater Treatment Plant: here’s to years of contaminating Lake Erie.
Ned the Tree Frog: A Fable
The Fable
Ned was a tree frog who lived in a bush.
All the other tree frogs lived in big trees in the forest, but Ned had a fear of heights.
One day Ned was hopping around the forest floor when he bumped into Patty the tree frog and her boyfriend, Dirk the tree frog.
Ned had long fancied Patty the treefrog; she was especially plump and slimy.
“We’re having a party up in our tree tonight,” Patty told Ned, “why don’t you come?”
“He won’t come to a party in the tree,” Dirk said snidely, “Ned doesn’t like to be in the trees.”
“It’s called acrophobia,” Ned defended himself, “and it’s an officially recognized fear by American Psychiatric Association, Dirk.”
“You really need to grow a pair,” Patty told Ned.
“I’m a tree frog,” Ned told Patty, “that means my genitalia consists of two interior testicles and spermatic canal; I have a pair, you just can’t see them.”
“Let’s just leave this pathetic loser to himself and go have our party,” Dirk told Patty.
Dirk and Patty laughed at Ned as they hopped away to have their party.
That Dirk is a spermatic canal, Ned thought to himself.
That night Ned sat in his bush and listened to the laughter and frivolity happening in the tree above him and he felt very sad and alone.
So he got some gasoline and burned their tree to the ground–the other tree frogs never made fun of Ned again.
Moral
Don’t be a spermatic canal.
What happens when you’re a spermatic canal.
They Must Be Stopped: the Garden Gnome Menace
There are more of them every day.
It is a well-known and widely accepted fact that garden gnomes are evil creatures of the night.
They spend their days in an inanimate state, surrounding the homes of the naïve, who have become witless servants to their evil machinations.
They often assume silly poses and sport whimsical names such as Boddywinkle or Fudwick.
This whimsy is a lie.
Do not be fooled by this subterfuge, they are maniacal creatures with evil plans.
This is far more typical behavior.
There are some in the so-called “scientific community” who will try to tell you this is hokum, mere nonsense.
Some are those who are secretly working in concert with the gnomes, helping to propagate their plans for world domination.
Some of these men of science are just quacks; they don’t believe garden gnomes come to life at night. They don’t believe in ghosts or bigfoot or that the Earth is flat. Quacks!
“Garden gnomes are harmless decorations, and not at all sinister…I’m not a quack.”
Here is a short list of some of the nighttime activities in which garden gnomes engage:
- They pee on your vegetable garden. (This might also be Gerald the neighbor kid.)
- They taunt your neighbor’s dog so that it barks all freaking night. (Also possibly Gerald.)
- They let the air out of your tires, but different amounts in every tire, so that your ride to work is really bumpy.
- They sneak into your garage and replace all your English standard unit tools with metric tools so that when you try to fix something, nothing quite fits.
- In Canada, they do the opposite.
- They put signs on your front door that read: Jehovah’s Witnesses Welcome.
- They take one bite out of the apple, then put it back in the bowl.
- They drive really slow in the fast lane.
- They paint the phrase, Justin Bieber Rules, in bright pink letters on the side of your car. But they paint it on the passenger side, so you don’t see it right away, and drive all the way to work with people inexplicably pointing at you and laughing.
- They fill your mailbox with pinecones. Really sticky ones.
- They sneak into your home and replace all your Yuengling Traditional Lager with Natural Light.
See what I mean–pure evil.
There is a singular weapon that is particularly effective in the battle against garden gnomes: a silver plated shovel. (You can also kill them with a regular shovel, but it’s not nearly as cool.)
Gruesome but necessary.
This menace must be dispatched.
Their plans to foment anarchy must be stopped.
Get your shovel today and join me in this call to arms.
Warning: You might have crybaby neighbors who have a proclivity for calling the police, acquiring court orders, or posting videos of you smashing their garden gnomes in your footy pajamas. So be careful.
An instrument of garden gnome death, or if you just need to dig hole, it’s good for that too.
A Few Helpful Hints For Your Job Interview
Things you should not wear to a job interview:
- A belt buckle that reads: The Boss Sucks.
- Your “I’m too drunk to care” t-shirt.
- That shirt you own that has a mustard stain shaped like Jiminy Cricket.
- That shirt you own that has a siracha stain shaped like Donald Duck.
- Any shirt, with any stain, shaped like any Disney character.
- That sombrero you’re so proud of.
- Your alligator boots. (Especially if you’re interviewing for a job with Peta.)
- Your lucky pair of pants. They may be lucky, but the hole in the crotch isn’t doing you any favors.
- Your eye patch. Yes, it makes you look dangerous and cool, but don’t.
- Your Omar Moreno wig. Yes, it’s hysterical, but don’t.
It’s hysterical, but don’t.
Things not to do on a job interview:
- Turn every innocuous statement into a double entendre by responding with the phrase: that’s what she said.
- Bring in Leonard, your pet lizard, because you think the interviewer might enjoy seeing how a lizard can devour an entire rat.
- Bring in Wilbur, your pet wombat, because you think the interviewer might be fascinated by how much a wombat can crap.
- Go on a tirade about your previous boss, using phrases such as, weasel-faced penis, rat-fink, or tiny brained flea.
- Punctuate the tirade by saying, “of course, I was stealing from the company to finance my crystal meth habit.”
- Nod toward a picture of your interviewer’s wife, give him a knowing wink and say, “sweet.”
- Don’t lean into your interviewer, carefully study his face, and then say, “a good plastic surgeon could fix that.”
- Don’t try to show your interviewer how clever you are by guessing her age and weight.
- Don’t ask your interviewer if he’s prematurely gray, or just dirt-old.
- Don’t recommend a good wrinkle cream.
- Under no circumstance should you ask your interviewer to “smell this.”
- Don’t do anything the voices in your head tell you to do; they don’t have your best interest in mind.
- Don’t introduce your interviewer to Phineas, your imaginary friend.
- Don’t tell your interviewer that Phineas thinks he smells good.
- Don’t demonstrate your conscientiousness by pointing out that you’re waiting until after the interview to get stoned.
Things not to put on your resume:
Under other interests:
- Your plot to overthrow the government and replace it with a puppet regime. Definitely don’t mention the puppets are Bert and Ernie.
- Discussing your alien abduction, and various alien probing methods.
- Your collection of shrunken heads.
- Scrapbooking.
- Hunting the world’s most dangerous prey: humans.
- Miming.
Note: hunting mimes and shrinking their heads is acceptable, and if you should happen to scrapbook about it…whatever.
Under accomplishments:
- Your swift rise to power as president of the Justin Bieber fan club.
- Finishing at the top of your taxidermy class. (Again, this mostly applies if your interviewing for a job with Peta.)
- Your fluency in Klingon.
- Having been a cast member of any television show with the words “the housewives of” in the title.
Final and key piece of advice:
- Just don’t be yourself.
Don’t do this.
Punch an Idiot in the Face Day
| jack elam you sure ask a lot of questions | |
| happy face idiot | |
| wifes feet dont smell enough | |
| cartoon scientists pictures | |
| punch an idiot in the face day | |
| bug eyed cartoon characters | |
| job interview with gator boots | |
| school counselors dumb | |
| my idiot neighbor |
Several random thoughts immediately leapt into my brain after this cluster of search terms appeared on my stats page.
Note: there’s a lot of room in my brain for random thoughts to leap, stretch out, or do an entire gymnastic floor routine; it’s pretty vacant up there.
Thoughts such as:
- What kind of questions does Jack Elam ask, and why are there so many of them?
- How badly do your wife’s feet have to smell for it to be enough?
- How do you know my neighbor, and how do you know he has a happy face?
- Would I look good in gator boots?
- Wow, this blog certainly attracts some weirdos (but not you).
- Punch and idiot in the face day? Is that a real thing?
After doing an extensive amount of research (Google) I discovered “punch an idiot in the face day” isn’t a real thing.
Bitter disappointment.
Then I had another thought: just because something isn’t a real thing, doesn’t mean it can’t be.
So after once again doing an extensive amount of research (Wikipedia) into the process of initiating a ballot measure in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, I came to a conclusion: it’s a lot more work than I am willing to do.
Just a few of the things required:
- A petition containing signatures equal to 10% of the last local general election vote for governor. (Governor? I thought Pennsylvania had a potentate.)
- These signatures must be real people and not characters from Warner Brothers cartoons.
- If your real name happens to be Elmer Fudd, there is an enormous amount of extra paperwork involved.
- If your real name happens to be Elmer Fudd, your parents are dicks.
- None of the signatures can be from dead people; this is not Illinois.
- Petitions must be submitted by the 13th Tuesday before the election. Petitions may be circulated for (at most) 7 weeks, and circulation may not begin before the 20th Tuesday prior to the election. Initiated measures may be submitted at primary, municipal, or general elections…and must be written in yaks blood.
- You must understand the previous requirement and be able to cite it verbatim while juggling running chain saws.
- Election officials must submit successful initiatives to voters at the next primary, general, or municipal election occurring not sooner than the 13th Tuesday after the initiative was filed.
- The successful initiatives mentioned in the previous requirement, must be submitted in triplicate with the third set written entirely in Egyptian hieroglyphics.
- Every fifth word of every document must be written in a silly font.
- Pointing out to any official, that the previous two requirements contradict each other, will result in the immediate disqualification of your ballot initiative. You will also be slapped in the face and poked in the eyes Three Stooges style.
- The Pennsylvania election code requires you to obtain the following items: holy water, a cross, a wooden stake and a clove of garlic. (Sorry, that’s the Transylvania election code.)
- You must be able to find Harrisburg on a map of Pennsylvania.
- You must be able to find Pennsylvania on a map of the United States.
- You must be able to find Pennsylvania Avenue on a Monopoly Board.
- If you roll doubles three times in a row, you have to go to jail.
- You must purchase a lot of maps and board games.
- Petition circulators must attest to the validity of petition signatures in a notarized affidavit.
- You have to know what an affidavit is.
- In some instances, you may have to sacrifice a small animal under a full moon.
- You must be able to say name of, Intercourse Pennsylvania, without giggling.
- You absolutely must be able to deal with bureaucrats without flipping out and stabbing someone in the face with a bayonet.
See what I mean, and this is just the first page.
Then I had another thought (I’ve been on fire with thoughts lately) I need to think like a politician: I just need to convince a bunch of willing dupes to pursue my vision, let them do all the work, then take all the credit when the initiative passes.
Brilliant.
I will keep you updated.
“Hello, I’m Jack Elam, and every day is punch an idiot in the face day for me, idiot.”
I Am the Cheap Man — Gerbil News Network
It happened last night, as it has before, on other Saturday nights. My wife and I had taken our seats at a nice restaurant, and the waiter asked if we’d like to order drinks. My wife asked for a glass of chardonnay–whichever was oakiest–and I ordered a malbec. “We have two,” the waiter said, as my wife […]
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