They Must Be Stopped: the Garden Gnome Menace
It is a well-known and widely accepted fact that garden gnomes are evil creatures of the night.
They spend their days in an inanimate state, surrounding the homes of the naïve, who have become witless servants to their evil machinations.
They often assume silly poses and sport whimsical names such as Boddywinkle or Fudwick.
Do not be fooled by this subterfuge, they are maniacal creatures with evil plans.
There are some in the so-called “scientific community” who will try to tell you this is hokum, mere nonsense.
Some are those who are secretly working in concert with the gnomes, helping to propagate their plans for world domination.
Some of these men of science are just quacks; they don’t believe garden gnomes come to life at night. They don’t believe in ghosts or bigfoot or that the Earth is flat. Quacks!
Here is a short list of some of the nighttime activities in which garden gnomes engage:
- They pee on your vegetable garden. (This might also be Gerald the neighbor kid.)
- They taunt your neighbor’s dog so that it barks all freaking night. (Also possibly Gerald.)
- They let the air out of your tires, but different amounts in every tire, so that your ride to work is really bumpy.
- They sneak into your garage and replace all your English standard unit tools with metric tools so that when you try to fix something, nothing quite fits.
- In Canada, they do the opposite.
- They put signs on your front door that read: Jehovah’s Witnesses Welcome.
- They take one bite out of the apple, then put it back in the bowl.
- They drive really slow in the fast lane.
- They paint the phrase, Justin Bieber Rules, in bright pink letters on the side of your car. But they paint it on the passenger side, so you don’t see it right away, and drive all the way to work with people inexplicably pointing at you and laughing.
- They fill your mailbox with pinecones. Really sticky ones.
- They sneak into your home and replace all your Yuengling Traditional Lager with Natural Light.
See what I mean–pure evil.
There is a singular weapon that is particularly effective in the battle against garden gnomes: a silver plated shovel. (You can also kill them with a regular shovel, but it’s not nearly as cool.)
This menace must be dispatched.
Their plans to foment anarchy must be stopped.
Get your shovel today and join me in this call to arms.
Warning: You might have crybaby neighbors who have a proclivity for calling the police, acquiring court orders, or posting videos of you smashing their garden gnomes in your footy pajamas. So be careful.