idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the category “health”

21 Jan 2026
2 Comments

Wolverines and Chocolate Chip Cookies

I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but you are going to die.

Don’t worry; I’m not suggesting you will die tomorrow or in some horrible, grisly way, just that someday you will inevitably die.

Not that you couldn’t die tomorrow in some horrible, grisly way; it’s not out of the realm of possibility.

You could be sauntering from your local grocery store with a big bag of pre-mixed chocolate chip cookie dough when you’re set upon and torn apart by a pack of ravenous wolverines.

Why do you have a big bag of chocolate chip cookie dough? Because you love chocolate chip cookies and that old TV show ChiPs.

You like to sit around all day shoving chocolate chip cookies into your gaping maw while you cheer on the adventures of Ponch and Jon.

And you are far too lazy to make chocolate chip cookies from scratch. Sometimes you’re too lazy to make the cookies; you just stuff your face with raw cookie dough.

I mean, you were just in the store; you could have purchased all the ingredients and made proper chocolate chip cookies.

Perhaps it was the combination of your love of sweets and your laziness that has led to your putting on a few pounds–perhaps if you were in slightly better shape, you could have staved off the wolverines.

Anyway, as you exit the store, a ravenous pack of wolverines could set upon you and mercilessly tear you to shreds.

I’m not saying it will happen; I’m just saying it could happen.

You may feel this scenario to be unlikely, but there are wolverines in the world, and your love of chocolate chip cookies and Erik Estrada has made you sedentary.

Didn’t you make a New Year’s resolution about eating more vegetables?

Do you know who doesn’t eat vegetables?

Wolverines. Wolverines don’t eat vegetables; their preferred diet consists mainly of scavenging carrion and hunting small mammals.

You are more appetizing than carrion (by a little), and you are way easier to catch than a small mammal.

But don’t fear, while it is very likely a pack of ravenous wolverines will tear you apart, it could be weeks, even months, before that happens.

So, just sit back and enjoy.

Addendum: Wolverines hate ChiPs; they prefer the Rockford Files.

Posted in fitness, funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
04 Apr 2025
2 Comments

International Carrot Day

I don’t want you to get too excited, but today is International Carrot Day.

That’s right. An entire day to celebrate everything about carrots.

Frankly, it may not be enough time

Here are a few quick facts about the carrot.

  • Carrots were originally multi-colored until Dutch farmers crossbred yellow and red carrots to create the now-familiar orange carrot in the 1600s. (Only slightly more critical than the Dutch idea that your date pays for their own meal.)
  • It’s a myth that carrots help you to see better in the dark. It’s radioactive carrots that help you see better in the dark…provided you don’t die from radiation poisoning.
  • This myth was created by the British during World War II to conceal the fact that their pilots were using newly developed radar. I think the truth is they got their hands on some radioactive carrots.
  • Having carrot cake for a snack allows you to pretend you’re having a healthy snack.
  • When eating a carrot, it’s fun to repeatedly say, “What’s up, doc,” and pretend that you are Bugs Bunny.
  • 1st-century Greek physician Dioscorides wrote in his 1st-century pharmacopeia of herbs and medicines, De Materia Medica, that “the root of the carrot can be cooked and eaten.” Man, those Greeks were on top of their shit.
  • Maybe the most crucial fact: a carrot is a perfect thing to use to make a snowman’s nose and, if you’re so inclined, a snowman’s penis.

So go out there today and celebrate International Carrot Day by having yourself a fistful of carrots, but try to avoid radioactive carrots; they will genuinely make your hair fall out.

Posted in funny, health, History, Humor, lists and tagged , , , , ,
13 Feb 2025
2 Comments

Don’t Answer; It’s a Trap

You’re sitting there casually watching the chick flick of her choice. It’s not a bad movie; you’re enjoying its whimsical humor. About two-thirds through the movie, just as you’ve become emotionally invested in the characters, she suddenly turns to you and pops this landmine under your feet: do you think Julia Roberts is prettier than me?

The following conversation results:

Her: Do you think Julia Roberts is prettier than me?

(You hear the landmine’s triggering mechanism click, and you’re afraid to move.)

You: Um…I don’t know.

Her: It’s a simple question. Do you think she’s prettier than me or not?

You: Of course not, you’re much prettier.

(You think you may have defused the landmine, but you still feel trepidatious about taking a step.)

Her: Why are you being a liar?

(Nope; still undefused.)

Her: If you think she’s pretty, you can say so.

You: Okay. I think Julia Roberts is attractive.

Her: Which is it? Is she pretty, or is she attractive?’

You: What’s the difference?

Her: If you don’t know the difference between the two words, how can you properly use either one?

You: I guess I would say she’s very attractive.

Her: Oh, so now she’s very attractive. Is she gorgeous?

You: I guess to some guys.

Her: What kind of guys?

You: Guys who…have the ability of sight.

(Several moments of uncomfortable silence.)

Her: I suppose you wish I looked like Julia Roberts.

You: No. I don’t need a woman who’s gorgeous; you’re fine.

(The sheer stupidity of the statement hits you immediately; an impending feeling that you won’t make it out of this alive is beginning to set in.)

Her: Do you want to know what I wish?

You: I sincerely doubt it.

Her: I wish you looked like Hugh Grant.

You: I wish I looked like Hugh Grant.

Her: You do?

You: Sure. Then I could find a girlfriend who looks like Julia Roberts.

(Deafening silence. You can’t stand on the landmine much longer before your legs give out.)

Her: Maybe I should just make an appointment with a plastic surgeon tomorrow and get all my horrible flaws fixed.

You: Don’t bother; I don’t think the plastic surgeon can fix bitchy.

(Boom! Body parts are everywhere.)

Don’t feel too bad; you never stood a chance. It was an old, faulty Soviet landmine; it was going to go off no matter what.

Posted in funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , ,
30 Dec 2024
3 Comments

Resolve Yourself

calvin

As the new year arrives, the annual acts of introspection, personal assessment, and deep soul-searching are effervescing across the nation, spurring aspirations for self-improvement.

The New Year’s resolutions abound.

Some resolutions are to purge undesirable habits: smoking, picking your nose, being Joy Behar, punching people in the face who press you on what your New Year’s resolutions are.

Some resolutions are to adopt desirable habits: a healthy diet, good hygiene, not being Joy Behar, apologizing profusely after punching the person in the face who pressed you on what your New Year’s resolutions are.

Some people simply resolve to approach life with a more positive attitude toward their fellow man; they feel they can make the world a brighter place.

To all of this, I have one response: Wake Up Fools! Your fellow man sucks.

You’re awesome; it’s everybody else that needs to change.

To that end, here is my 2025 list of resolutions for others:

  • Don’t walk around on December 31st and say, “See you next year” to everyone you meet and chortle as if you’ve just invented it.
  • Don’t respond to the “See you next year” guy by sharpening a stick to a fine point and poking him in the eye with it as you say, “Now you won’t,” regardless of how appropriate it may seem.
  • If somebody says something you find funny, just laugh like a normal human being; don’t say lol out loud.
  • Don’t ride your skateboard in the middle of the street as if you own it; I will run you over, you smug little bastard.
  • Don’t run around showing people pictures of a footprint that you think is indisputable proof of Bigfoot. Your wife has hobbit feet and she walks around barefoot entirely too much.
  • Don’t place your new mooning garden gnome, Willard, facing your neighbor’s kitchen window.
  • Don’t act all surprised when your new mooning garden gnome, Willard, is mysteriously smashed to bits in the middle of the night.
  • Don’t accuse your neighbor of things you can’t prove.
  • Don’t inadvertently set your garage on fire while attempting to rid it of a hornet’s nest with a road flare. As funny as it was, you’re a menace to the neighborhood.
  • If you’re a mime, don’t be.
  • Don’t bring the express lane at the supermarket to a screeching halt by getting into a protracted conversation about your nephew Josh with the cashier. We’re all upset that he’s back in jail, but if you’re on probation, you shouldn’t be smoking crack.
  • If you’re on probation, don’t smoke crack.
  • If you are on probation and you are smoking crack, don’t do it in your car.
  • If you are on probation and you are smoking crack in your car, don’t do it while driving over the speed limit…or on the sidewalk.
  • Don’t post proof of your probationary violations on Facebook with the description: look what I did.
  • Don’t tweet about your incriminating Facebook post just to ensure everyone sees it.
  • Don’t assure someone that you have beer in your fridge and then hand them a Natural Light.
  • Put all the baby pictures away; your first three children were ugly, and I’m sure this one will be, too.
  • Everything your child does is not precious unless, by precious, you mean annoying beyond the ability to be described with words.
  • It’s never good to start a story with the phrase: my child did the most precious thing in juvenile court today.
  • Don’t get all pissy when you see something on a list that you think may pertain to you; it absolutely does pertain to you. Learn from it.
  • Finally and simply: don’t pretend you’re not a moron if you are a moron (you know who you are).

Addendum: I saw the picture of your baby; he looks like a potato.

Willard R.I.P. We barely knew you.
Willard R.I.P.
We barely knew you.
Posted in funny, health, Humor, lists, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
14 Dec 2024
2 Comments

We’ll Let You Know

hanging help wanted sign

The following is an actual conversation I had with a man who was dropping off his resume at a place where I used to work.

Man: Is there someone here that I can talk to about a job?

Me: The plant manager does the hiring, but he isn’t here today.

Man: So I can’t talk to anyone today?

Me: Sorry.

Man: (visibly upset) But I made sure not to smoke crack today.

Me: That’s very conscientious of you; I’ll add a note to your resume specifying that you made sure not to smoke crack today.

Man: (pointing an accusatory finger at me) You better not be lying to me.

Me: Trust me, writing that note will be a genuine pleasure.

Man: Just make sure you do it.

As a man of truth and integrity: I wrote that note and firmly attached it to the front of that man’s resume.

He wasn’t even considered for the position; does honesty count for nothing anymore?

rejection from job

Unfortunately, we’d already filled our quota of habitual drug users.

Posted in funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
12 Jun 2024
4 Comments

Is This the Apocalypse?

I recently came across a couple of news stories that are a cause for concern in the New York area.
And no, I’m not referring to the story about the increasing problem of obesity in New York City rats. Obesity has long been a problem with the rats of New York City; it’s nothing new.
To be honest, the biggest problem with the rats of New York City is how insufferably rude they are.
The story I’m talking about is the one about the giant venomous spiders that are heading up the East Coast; they have a four-inch leg span and the ability to fly.
No spider should have a four-inch leg span.
No spider should have the ability to fly.
Certainly, no spider that doesn’t come from the brain of Stephen King should possess both traits.
The New Jersey Pest Control has warned: it is a matter of when, not if, they travel up the coast. They are called the Joro Spider, and while they aren’t as rude as those fatass rats from New York City, they are still freaky.
The second story is about the first known case of a sexually transmitted form of ringworm in the United States.
The highly contagious fungal skin infection is a rare manifestation of dermatophytosis affecting the genitals and pubic region.
Of all the regions to be affected by a highly contagious fungal skin infection, the genital and pubic region is probably the worst.
A New York City man has been identified with the infection.
Who has time to worry about infections in their pubic region when the air is thick with flying spiders?
Is this the beginning of the apocalypse? Even the ten plagues of Egypt didn’t have flying spiders.
Luckily, I live in western New York far from New York City; the worst thing we have to deal with is deer ticks. Deer ticks are nasty, but at least they can’t fly, they aren’t sexually transmitted, and they tend not to be churlish.
To be fair, deer ticks have very little personality at all.
I’m not sure if this signifies the end of the world, but my advice for you is to stay vigilant and probably to avoid New York City.

Posted in funny, health, Jamestown, NY and tagged , , , , , , , ,
10 Apr 2024
2 Comments

Erie to Fight Deer Population With Hyenas

Erie, PA–At a recent city council meeting, residents expressed their growing concerns over the city’s increasing deer population.
It seems the deer are everywhere: in the streets, in people’s backyards, and even occasionally encroaching on private residences. “I was sitting in my bathroom doing my business and reading the most recent copy of Weak-bladders Monthly when a deer burst through the door and bit me in the forehead…now I have Lyme disease,” Sam Rizzo, a resident, told the council.
When a council member pointed out to Mr. Rizzo that that’s not how Lyme disease is spread, Mr. Rizzo bit the council member in the forehead, and now they both have Lyme Disease.
“The deer are everywhere,” resident Ron Smith said at the meeting, “I was carrying a case of beer into my house when I slipped in a pile of deer crap and fell. All but four of the bottles broke–how am I supposed to get drunk now? Also, I think Sam just peed himself.”
“There’s no simple solution,” a council member stated. “We were hoping the already present gunfire that occurs randomly within city limits would pick off some of the deer, but that has proved unfruitful.”
After much deliberation, the city council has decided to release packs of hyenas randomly around the city.
When pressed about the potential danger of having hyenas prowling the streets, Health Director Philip Weedly had the following response. “Sure, some of our slower citizens will likely be picked off by the hyenas, but let’s be honest, it might just force our citizenry to get in better shape.”
The motion to release the hyenas was passed unanimously.
It was also brought up that it may be best to keep your pets inside for the foreseeable future.

Posted in erie, funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
26 Mar 2024
2 Comments

Vending Machines vs. Sharks

So, I recently read that vending machines are responsible for more deaths annually in the U.S. than shark attacks.

Who would have thought vending machines that are more deadly than sharks?

Sharks are terrifying with their rows of razor-sharp teeth, their dead, emotionless eyes, and that creepy music from Jaws that plays every time they get near you. 

Steven Speilberg didn’t make a movie about vending machines killing people on an idyllic resort island.

(But if he had, I’m sure it would have been awesome.)

This is horrible news; I had no idea I was putting my life in danger every time I purchased a bag of cheese puffs.

I knew I would get that orange dust all over my fingers and stuck in my teeth, but that was a risk I was willing to take.

To be fair, if you live in a place like Idaho, you’re far more likely to fall prey to a vending machine than a shark.

The transfats in the cheese puffs will likely take you out before a shark attack will.

You would have to be astronomically unlucky to die of a shark attack in Idaho.

Realistically, if you stay at least ten feet from the ocean, you should be relatively safe from a shark attack.

Vending machines, by contrast, are everywhere–especially in Idaho.

The vast majority of vending machine deaths occur when a purchased item becomes stuck in the machine. The purchaser attempts to dislodge the item by tilting or shaking the vending machine, causing the vending machine to fall on them and crush them.

A small minority of vending machine deaths occur when a person laughs so hysterically that they have a heart attack after they have witnessed a dumbass co-worker tip a vending machine on themself.

People who die in vending machine accidents tend to be people who are physically aggressive and quick to anger.

People who die in a shark attack tend to be people who are vacationing from Idaho, and they thought surfing looked fun, so they decided to try it; it’s safer than a vending machine, they thought.

Dying because a vending machine fell on you has to be mortifying in the afterlife. 

First Dead Person: So, how did you die?

Second Dead Person: I died storming the beaches of Normandy to free Europe from the oppressive boot of the Nazi war machine. How about you?

First Dead Person: My bag of cheese puffs got caught in the little spirally thing in a vending machine. I was really hungry. I’m from Idaho.

I would suggest if you are physically aggressive and quick to anger, you would do well to avoid vending machines. 

Go surfing, that might be fun.

Posted in funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
07 Mar 2024
2 Comments

Scorpion Stings Man in the Nuts

A man is suing the Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas, Nevada, after an unfortunate incident that occurred during his stay.

Michael Farchi says he awoke in the middle of the night to discover he was being stung in the testicles by a scorpion.

(I’m not making this up.)

According to Michael, he was stung multiple times in the naughty bits, which was later confirmed by doctors at a local hospital after they were done laughing.

Michael claims he is still suffering health issues from the attack that occurred on Dec. 26th.

Perhaps Las Vegas should change its motto to “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas…unless you’re stung in the nuggets a bunch of times by a scorpion.”

“Nobody staying in Vegas needs to [be] exposed to deadly scorpions while they’re sleeping, let alone on their private parts, their testicles,” said his attorney, Brian Virag.

I would argue the Vegas part is irrelevant; nobody needs to be stung in the testicles by a scorpion at anytime, anywhere, ever.

Michael claims that even though his family cut the vacation short, he still had to pay the Venetian Hotel for the stay.

I have to say, the Venetians may good at canals, glass-blowing, and masks (and I love all the work they’ve done with blinds), but they suck at running hotels.

But there is a forgotten part of this story: what about the poor scorpion.

“It was horrifying,” the scorpion said, “I woke up, and there were two big hairy nuts in my face. I stung them as many times as I could; I barely got away with my life.”

Stanley (the scorpion’s name is Stanley) went on to describe how he would probably be traumatized for life. “Every time I see a picture of a canal, I break down and sob uncontrollably,” he stated.

There is no word yet on whether, or not Stanley will take legal action against the Venetian Hotel.

Here’s hoping for a speedy recovery for both Michael and Stanley.

Posted in funny, health, Humor, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
12 Apr 2023
2 Comments

Here we Go!

barrel over falls

Here I go!

I’ve decided to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.
I know what you’re thinking: that is a fantastic idea and not in any way reckless or ill-conceived.
You probably think the only thing to surpass my level-headed decision-making is my sense of adventure and almost unparalleled bravery.
You’d be correct–the level of your perception is stunning.
You are nothing like the naysayers in my sphere of influence, people who use harsh terms like reckless, ill-advised, wildly insane, dunderheaded, pea-brained, attention-seeking prat, dangerously maladjusted, and stupid.
Stupid is a very hurtful word.
These skeptics like to point out the majority of the individuals who have gone over the falls in a barrel have perished horribly.
Well, I’m not in the majority. If all those mental competency tests The New York State Board of Mental Health made me take are to be believed, I’m quite far from the majority.
In 1930 George Stathakis went over the falls in a barrel with his 150-year-old pet turtle.
If a geriatric turtle can survive going over the falls in a barrel, I think I can manage.
George died, but his death could have been barrel unrelated–everyone has to die sometime, right?
Anyway, my preparations to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel have begun.
By the end of summer, you will see my name plastered all over the news. (And not for indecent exposure this time.)
I will keep you updated on my progress.

turtle

I can do anything a turtle can…except stay submerged underwater for extended periods of time…I’ll be fine.

Posted in funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , ,

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