idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the tag “satire”

04 Aug 2023
2 Comments

Epic Failure?

It was to be a great day of triumph.
After a month of intense preparation, pushing my mental and physical capabilities to their limits, I was ready to make my epic trek swimming across Lake Erie from North East Pennsylvania to Long Point, Canada.
My friend Philbert did not share my confidence concerning my prospects for success. “You’re going to drown,” he told me plainly.
“You need to be more positive,” I admonished him.
“I am positive you’re going to drown,” he reiterated.
Onlookers and well-wishers filled the beach as I made my final preparations.
Actually, the crowd was comprised mostly of residents of North East who were there to jeer at me and hurl insults.
It seemed they were upset at my characterization of the town being filled with inbred cannibals and having a goat for a mayor.
One particularly vocal resident relayed how disgusted he was that I would even suggest there were any inbred cannibals in North East. He then innocently inquired about what would be done with the body if the unthinkable happened and I were to drown. Evidently, he and his sister/wife had a new recipe for meat sauce they were dying to try.
The goat mayor was also there, galavanting around, braying at people, and peeing on their feet. Still, he was a considerable upgrade from the previous mayor.
I dove into the water and began my journey. I could feel myself surging through the water. Philbert, who was in a kayak paddling beside me, said I looked like a dolphin going through the water.
Alas, after what seemed an interminable amount of time, the fatigue overcame me. The severe cramping in my muscles and searing pain in my side rendered me unable to continue.
“I think this is it,” I told Philbert, the burning in my lungs making speech difficult. “If this is the end of my journey on this spinning orb, remember me fondly, my old friend,” I told him as a solitary tear rolled down my cheek.
“Just stand up, you @#%!ing idiot,” he snapped.
I was about 50 feet from shore; it was admittedly disappointing.
“But you said I was moving through the water like a dolphin,” I said to Philbert defensively.
“I said you look like a wounded dolphin in the water,” he corrected me with a little more derision than was necessary.
Sometimes Philbert can be a dick.
Then the people on shore started to hurl rocks at me.
“Whoa, stop throwing rocks,” the inbred cannibal yelled, seemingly coming to my defense, “you’ll bruise the meat.”
Eventually, the authorities came and dispersed the crowd allowing me to retreat to my home and lick my wounds from what Philbert referred to as a humiliating and epic failure. They also ticketed me for what they called an act of unparalleled stupidity–that’s not even a thing!
I later learned that my preparation, watching a Jaws marathon and eating chicken wings, wasn’t sufficient for a swim across Lake Erie.
After some introspection and much-needed soul-searching, I think I will turn my attention to being shot out of a cannon over a ravine; there’s no way that can fail.

Posted in erie, fitness, funny and tagged , , , , , ,
06 Jul 2023
14 Comments

Alternate Plans and Lake Erie

My plans to go over Niagra Falls in a barrel have continued to be wrought with issues.
The latest problem to stunt my efforts is the silliest of them yet: apparently, going over Niagra Falls in a barrel is illegal.
I thought Canadians were supposed to be all laid back and polite. But just try to get into Canada with a barrel strapped to the top of your car; the battery of accusatory glances and snide comments is withering.
What is the freaking point of having an internationally famous waterfall if you can’t go over it in a barrel? Do you think people go to Niagra Falls just go to Niagra Falls to stare at the water? No! They go to Niagra Falls to see courageous adventurers tempt fate in a death-defying act of bravery. And possibly die horribly.
“Why don’t you just go over the American side of the falls?”
Because the American side is the crappy side, and everybody knows it. The American Falls is the Horseshoe Falls’ irritating little runt brother that nobody cares about. Just posing the question feels like you’re rubbing that fact in my face.
So, I have decided to put my barrel plans on hold. My new focus is on my attempt to swim across Lake Erie. It’s perfectly legal; people do it all the time.
People traverse the 24 miles from Long Point, Canada, to Freeport Beach in North East, Pennsylvania on a regular basis.

Individuals are even encouraged and sometimes sponsored to swim across Lake Erie. Did you know the water in Lake Erie that people are openly allowed to swim in is the same water that later goes over Niagra Falls? That odor you smell in the air is the stench of hypocrisy…there’s also a lot of dead fish in Lake Erie.

And as a side note, Canadian bacon is just ham. Stop calling it bacon. Something called Canadian bacon should be real bacon slathered in maple syrup.


The only drawback I can foresee in this endeavor is that I’m not a classically strong swimmer. What I do in water could be categorized less as swimming and more as splashing about in a vague attempt to avoid drowning.
But I have a solution: I will reverse the process and swim from Freeport Beach in North East, Pennsylvania, to Long Point, Canada.
You see, North East, Pennsylvania is not the most pleasant place; it’s a detestable pit of horror.
If you have read this blog at all in the past (my apologies if you have), you probably know that I have detailed in great length North East’s many problems, not the least of which is its rampant infestation of bands of inbred cannibals.
You may wonder which is the more embarrassing problem for the small community: all of the incestuous inbreeding or all of the wanton cannibalism?
Neither. It’s the fact that they have a goat for mayor, and that goat is as stupid as he is arrogant. His name is Steve, and he is a jerk.
Steve routinely minces around town in a drunken stupor, head-butting random pedestrians into traffic and crapping on the sidewalk in all the places where people walk the most.
He is also very fiscally irresponsible.
If I begin my trek across Lake Erie from Freeport Beach in North East, Pennsylvania rather than in Long Point, Canada, my sheer desire to distance myself from North East should propel me halfway across the lake like I was shot out of a canon.
And once you’re out in the middle of Lake Erie, the impetus to keep going becomes quite strong.
This plan is idiotproof.
I will keep you updated on my progress.

Addendum: if this fails, maybe I’ll try being shot out of a cannon.

Posted in erie, Humor, idiotprufs, inspirational and tagged , , , ,
12 Jun 2023
2 Comments

Cinderella’s Sisters Bash Prince for Foot Shaming

Cindereella's sisters

The angry and large-footed sisters in question.

A Tiny Kingdom in a Faraway Land–“It’s an outrage,” an agitated Drizella told us as she fumbled with her extra wide orthopedic shoes for bunions. “It’s a clear and undeniable case of foot shaming.”

The trouble started when Prince Charming began scouring the kingdom in search of a singular woman whose foot would fit into a glass slipper left behind at a recent ball.

“Real women have real feet,” Drizella’s sister Anastasia said. “That pompous Prince Charming shows up at our door with this tiny little slipper made of glass, and you’re not good enough for him unless your foot fits into this ridiculous little shoe; if you have feet like a normal woman, you’re automatically rejected. That’s hardly ‘charming’ behavior.”

“And glass footwear can’t possibly be safe,” Drizella added.

The sisters argue it’s sexist and demeaning to reduce a woman’s worth to her foot size.

“They’re just jealous because the glass slipper fit on the foot of their step-sister, Cinderella,” Prince Charming said.

“She’s nothing but a lowly scullery maid,” Drizella shouted, “why should she get the prince just because she has dainty feet.”

“Cinderella does have dainty feet,” the prince conceded. “She also has perfect skin, flaxen hair, and a heart of gold. And unlike her step-sisters, she doesn’t have a blackened soul, a vicious mean streak, a crazily disturbing amount of warts, and breath that could kill a dragon.”

“It’s called halitosis, and it’s a medical condition,” Drizella said, defending herself.

The sisters have hired a barrister and plan to launch a lawsuit against the prince for discriminatory practices.

“I guess they’re forgetting how an oppressive feudal system works,” the prince said as he chuckled, “I’m a prince; I do whatever the hell I want.”

Cinderella couldn’t be reached for comment; she is currently in negotiations to launch her own brand of glass footwear called Cinderella Crossfits.

glass sneakers

For the active scullery maid who also wants to feel like a princess.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
03 May 2023
4 Comments

I’ll Build My Own Damn Barrel

My attempt to purchase a barrel to go over Niagra Falls in has proven fruitless, but as that old saw tells us: if you want something done right, do it yourself.

idiotpruf barrel

For most of my life, the statement above hasn’t proven to be the case. If you were to believe my junior high shop teacher, I wasn’t the most industrious person with a tool in my hand.

“A danger to myself and others” was the phrase he recklessly bandied about.

Hey! I’m not the one with only eight and a half fingers, buddy.

The half finger was his nose-picking finger; it looked like he was shoving the whole thing up there.

All I’m trying to do is construct a barrel sturdy enough to go over Niagra Falls without being smashed into bits–how hard can that be?

Not dying is my second highest priority; my top priority is that the barrel be spacious enough to contain both myself and my pet pig Napolean. 

You may think that sounds stupid, but you’re willingly reading this drivel; how smart can you be?

Napolean and I have long ago accepted the idea that we would probably die together in some weird and grizzly manner.

But we survived the tandem skydiving, so maybe we should put those fears to rest.

You only need a handful of items to build a barrel:

  • A mullet
  • Assembly jig
  • Four large iron hoops of varying size
  • 2 barrel lids cut to size
  • Handsaw
  • Sandpaper
  • Sponge
  • Winch
  • 24 to 36 aged wood staves

I am well on my way: Napolean has the mullet; he’s had it since his Billy Ray Cyrus phase. I don’t know why you would need a mullet to build a barrel, but I’m not one to question the wisdom of the internet. 

I assume an assembly jig is some type of Irish Folk Dance; I’m sure I’ll pick that up quickly.

I can meander down to the local smithy to grab some iron hoops of varying sizes.

I own a handsaw to cut the 2 barrel lids to size.

I am almost certain I have a piece of sandpaper somewhere.

I have a SpongeBob SquarePants bath sponge.

I can borrow my neighbor’s winch.

Then all I need is 24 to 36 aged wood staves; piece of cake.

Correction: apparently, you need a mallet to construct a barrel, not a mullet. That does make more sense, although Napolean was a little disappointed.

I’ve run into a few additional problems.

I’m told an assembly jig is not an Irish Folk Dance, and I am terrible at modern interpretive dance.

Also, it seems the local smithy closed his shop a few years ago, give or take a century.

And I lied about the handsaw; I don’t have one of those; I’m not some master carpenter.

Napolean has refused to use my Spongebob Squarepants bath sponge; he thinks it’s disgusting. It’s a pretty haughty attitude coming from someone who rolls around in the mud. Although, that sponge has been in some intimate places.

Napolean has also pointed out that what I have is not a piece of sandpaper but some sand and a piece of paper. It was an easy mistake to make.

Borrowing the winch from my neighbor might be more complex; he’s installed security cameras since that time I borrowed his riding mower and inadvertently drove it into the lake.

I also have to look up the word stave; seriously, what the hell is a stave?

I fear I am a bit further from the completion of my project than I hoped.

But Napolean and I will continue to strive forward.

More updates to come.

Posted in funny, Humor, lists and tagged , , , , , , ,
18 Apr 2023
4 Comments

Barrel Shopping

barrel for going over falls

A barrel like this would be great…but I prefer something in color.

Now that I’ve decided to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel, a few slight logistical wrinkles need to be ironed out.

First and foremost: I need a barrel. I have several vital requirements for the barrel I choose for my journey over the falls:

  1. It must be watertight enough to endure the 681,750 gallons of water that travel over the falls per second without it filling with water and killing me horribly.
  2. It has to be sturdy enough to endure the 2,509 tons of force created by the 681,750 gallons of water that travel over the falls without losing structural integrity and killing me horribly.
  3. It must withstand the 167-foot drop without bursting on impact and killing me horribly.
  4. It must be spacious enough for me to comfortably fit into. (I don’t like to be cramped almost as much as I don’t like to be killed horribly.)
  5. It must fit onto the top of a Mercury Marquis. (I have bungee cords.)

My search for a suitable barrel has been less than fruitful.

It’s startling just how unhelpful the employees of Lowes are when it comes to barrel shopping.

You wouldn’t believe the slack-jawed looks I get when I ask them where they keep their barrels for going over waterfalls–they gape at me like I’m a moron.

The people at Ace Hardware are even less helpful. Their little jingle: “Ace is the place with the helpful hardware folks,” is a blatant and disgusting lie. It should be: “Ace is the place where smug, judgmental pricks named Todd question your mental stability.”

I went to a website of the deceivingly named Crate & Barrel–utterly useless unless you plan to go over Niagara Falls on an overpriced chaise lounge.

(I did, however, find a delightful celosia black hand-knotted area rug.)

It appears in order to find a suitable barrel for going over Niagara Falls, I’m required to have one custom-made.

Going over Niagara Falls in a barrel is turning out to be more difficult than I had imagined, but I will soldier on.

liquuor barrel

What a great barrel; I just have to empty it of the Jack Daniels inside–it’s a plan!

Posted in funny, Humor, inspirational and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
01 Apr 2023
2 Comments

You Gullible Fool

Today is April 1st, which means people will be running around telling lies to each other so they can then yell April Fools Day and chortle at the ridiculous gullibility of the person they have just pranked.

Example:

Prankster: I’m so sorry to tell you this, but your mother was just killed in a horrific car accident; there were pieces of her everywhere.

Gullible Fool: That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard; I think I might have a heart attack.

Prankster: April Fools! You should see the look on your face.

Gullible Fool: Oh, thank goodness.

Prankster: Yeah. I mean, she is dead, but she’s not in pieces. They can’t find her left eyeball, but the rest of her is all there.

Gullible Fool: That’s not any better!

Prankster: April Fools! She’s not dead at all.

Gullible Fool: Stop doing that to me.

Prankster: Of course, she’s not dead. She is in a coma, and that thing about her left eyeball is true, but she is definitely not dead.

(Long, awkward pause.)

Gullible Fool: Well?

Prankster: Well, what?

Gullible Fool: You are going to say April Fools again and tell me my mother is fine, right?

Prankster: Actually, your mom is in a pretty bad coma; you should probably get to the hospital as soon as possible.

Gullible Fool: I hate you.

Prankster: I know, but seriously, we should hurry; she’s not in good shape.

Do you see how much fun April Fools Day can be?

I can’t wait to find some friends and pretend one of their loved ones is dead; it’s going to be the best.

laughing face
Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , ,
12 Mar 2023
2 Comments

This Blog Prevents Scurvy

Early symptoms include malaise and lethargy, and if you’re anything like me (my condolences if you are), malaise and lethargy are your baselines.

I would even venture to add bitter indifference to the malaise and lethargy.

As time persists, additional symptoms include weakness, fatigue, changes to your hair, sore extremities, gum disease, poor wound healing, easy bleeding, and an irrational fear of ladybugs.

Others will also begin to regard you as a sissy, primarily because of the ladybug thing.

Also, it’s not clear what changes to hair means. Do you lose your hair? Do start to grow hair in weird and unwanted places like under your toes or on your tongue. Either way, I don’t like it.

These symptoms can result in eating disorders, mental issues, substance abuse, and eventually homelessness.

People will refer to you as that crazy person with the hairy tongue who screams and runs away from ladybugs.

What is the scourge responsible for the aforementioned maladies? Exposure to any of the Real Housewives television shows—also, scurvy.

It’s debatable which of those two things is worse.

But there is a preventative measure that can be taken: reading this blog.

That’s right! This blog prevents scurvy. It is, however, powerless against the Real Housewives. 

That’s ridiculous, you’re thinking; I’m not some 16th-century pirate; I’m not worried about things like scurvy, my rum supply, walking the plank, or the Kraken. 

Actually, you are a little worried about the Kraken, but you just drink rum until that goes away.

But can’t I just eat some orange slices, you’re thinking to yourself?

This blog is so much better than orange slices. You don’t have to peel it, it doesn’t make your fingers all sticky, and it doesn’t rot.

It does rot a little but not nearly as quickly as orange slices.

So go ahead and read this book and live free from the fear of scurvy.

But definitely watch out for the Kraken.

Addendum: it’s not debatable; the Real Housewives is worse.

They rot faster than this blog.
Posted in funny, health, History, Humor and tagged , , , , , , ,
27 Jan 2023

Love Hurts, but Not as Much as a Stab Wound

love hurts

I felt it was time to re-post these beautiful and poignant words.

I wrote this during a period of deep personal healing…but mostly, I was drunk.

Posted in funny, Humor, inspirational and tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
26 Jan 2023
2 Comments

Local Man Upset by Giant Pile of Dung on Prius

surprised expression

Mr. Philbert J. Weedly

Bemidji, Minnesota–The authorities had to intervene when a dispute between two local residents radically escalated.
“Would you look at this,” exclaimed Philbert J. Weedly of Bemidji, Minnesota, as he motioned toward the Toyota Prius parked in his driveway, “it’s completely buried.”
At some point during the night, Mr. Weedly’s vehicle had become covered in a mountain of blue feces.
“I don’t see why he’s blaming me,” fellow Bemidji native Paul Bunyan replied, “if you ask me, that giant pile of blue crap could have come from any number of places–a lot of people don’t care for Weedly.”
“Are you kidding me?” Mr. Weedly said in exasperation.
Mr. Bunyan continued defending himself, “I really don’t think it’s fair to blame me every time someone’s car, their house, or their mouthy know-it-all wife, who deserved it, gets covered in a giant pile of blue crap.”
“Are you kidding me?” Mr. Weedly said again.
The dispute began when Mr. Bunyan challenged Mr. Weedly for the presidency of the local chapter of the Minnesota Sierra Club and defeated him in the chapter’s election.
“I just felt it was time for a new chapter in my life,” Mr. Bunyan explained.
“We all know what happened,” Mr. Weedly said. “He’s a legend of American folklore. He’s Minnesota’s favorite son. His footsteps created the 10,000 lakes. It’s all just a big popularity contest.”
“I know Paul Bunyan seems like a strange choice for the presidency of a Sierra Club chapter,” Milton Shipley, a member of the Sierra Club chapter, admitted, “I mean, he is literally known for chopping down trees. He’s just so freaking huge; how do you say no to him?”
“My wife was extremely vocal in her opposition of his candidacy,” another member, who wanted to remain anonymous, told us, “but then she was involved in a rather unfortunate incident involving Babe, Mr. Bunyan’s big blue ox. I don’t want to go into too much detail,” he said pausing for a moment, “Let’s just say she was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don’t know what he feeds that thing, but the stench was foul. It’s been six months, and my wife’s hair still attracts flies.”
“It s— on me,” his wife said tersely.
The authorities have issued warnings to both Mr. Weedly and Mr. Bunyan. They also asked Mr. Bunyan to try and control where his blue ox relieves itself, but they told him from a distance.
“Do you call this justice?” Mr. Weedly said in a final statement of resignation. “Are you kidding me?”

blue ox

The famed blue ox–I don’t know what he feeds it.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , ,
25 Jan 2023
2 Comments

Sister City Disappointment

Opera House

Sydney, Australia: a lovely sister city.

North East, Pennsylvania–The residents of the small village of North East, Pennsylvania received a dose of bad news upon discovering their sister city wasn’t what they believed it to be.
The village was ecstatic when it received a sister city request from Sydney, Australia. “We couldn’t believe our good fortune,” the mayor of North East said.
Upon traveling to Australia to accept the sister city request, officials from North East (the mayor and his life partner Bruce) discovered the request came not from the city of Sydney but from a guy named Sydney who lives in a shack at the bottom of a pit in the desert.
“The disappointment is bitter,” Bruce said of the development, “Sydney, Australia is a metropolis with renown architecture and a thriving art world; Sydney from Australia is a filthy foul-mouthed little man who lives in a pit and scratches his testicles far more than should be necessary.”
“I have genital chiggers,” Sydney explained, “they bite.”
The mayor and Bruce gave Sydney a case of the world-famous Welch’s grape jelly, produced right in North East from local concord grapes.
Sydney reciprocated with a half-full can of Foster’s beer that he poured back into the can from the dog bowl.
“Everything in Sydney’s shack is sticky,” the mayor commented, “absolutely everything.”
While Bruce has returned home from the disastrous trip, the mayor remains in Australia recovering from bites from a highly poisonous eastern brown snake and three types of poisonous spiders.
Sydney keeps poisonous spiders as pets; the snake was just bad luck.
“A kangaroo kicked me in the nuts,” Bruce said upon his return, “it was the best part of the trip.”

eastern brown snake

Posted in erie, funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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