idiotpruf

Punch an Idiot in the Face Day

Several random thoughts immediately leapt into my brain after this cluster of search terms appeared on my stats page.

Note: there’s a lot of room in my brain for random thoughts to leap, stretch out, or do an entire gymnastic floor routine; it’s pretty vacant up there.

Thoughts such as:

• What kind of questions does Jack Elam ask, and why are there so many of them?
• How badly do your wife’s feet have to smell for it to be enough?
• How do you know my neighbor, and how do you know he has a happy face?
• Would I look good in gator boots?
• Wow, this blog certainly attracts some weirdos (but not you).
• Punch and idiot in the face day? Is that a real thing?

After doing an extensive amount of research (Google) I discovered “punch an idiot in the face day” isn’t a real thing.

Bitter disappointment.

Then I had another thought: just because something isn’t a real thing, doesn’t mean it can’t be.

So after once again doing an extensive amount of research (Wikipedia) into the process of initiating a ballot measure in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, I came to a conclusion: it’s a lot more work than I am willing to do.

Just a few of the things required:

• A petition containing signatures equal to 10% of the last local general election vote for governor. (Governor? I thought Pennsylvania had a potentate.)
• These signatures must be real people and not characters from Warner Brothers cartoons.
• If your real name happens to be Elmer Fudd, there is an enormous amount of extra paperwork involved.
• If your real name happens to be Elmer Fudd, your parents are dicks.
• None of the signatures can be from dead people; this is not Illinois.
• Petitions must be submitted by the 13th Tuesday before the election. Petitions may be circulated for (at most) 7 weeks, and circulation may not begin before the 20th Tuesday prior to the election. Initiated measures may be submitted at primary, municipal, or general elections…and must be written in yaks blood.
• You must understand the previous requirement and be able to cite it verbatim while juggling running chain saws.
• Election officials must submit successful initiatives to voters at the next primary, general, or municipal election occurring not sooner than the 13th Tuesday after the initiative was filed.
• The successful initiatives mentioned in the previous requirement, must be submitted in triplicate with the third set written entirely in Egyptian hieroglyphics.
• Every fifth word of every document must be written in a silly font.
• Pointing out to any official, that the previous two requirements contradict each other, will result in the immediate disqualification of your ballot initiative. You will also be slapped in the face and poked in the eyes, Three Stooges style.
• The Pennsylvania election code requires you to obtain the following items: holy water, a cross, a wooden stake and a clove of  garlic. (Sorry, that’s the Transylvania election code.)
• You must be able to find Harrisburg on a map of Pennsylvania.
• You must be able to find Pennsylvania on a map of the United States.
• You must be able to find Pennsylvania Avenue on a Monopoly Board.
• If you roll doubles three times in a row, you have to go to jail.
• You must purchase a lot of maps and board games.
• Petition circulators must attest to the validity of petition signatures in a notarized affidavit.
• You have to know what an affidavit is.
• In some instances, you may have to sacrifice a small animal under a full moon.
• You must be able to say name of, Intercourse Pennsylvania, without giggling.
• You absolutely must be able to deal with bureaucrats without flipping out and stabbing someone in the face with a bayonet.

See what I mean, and this is just the first page.

Then I had another thought (I’ve been on fire with thoughts lately) I need to think like a politician: I just need to convince a bunch of willing dupes to pursue my vision, let them do all the work, then take all the credit when the initiative passes.

Brilliant.

I will keep you updated.

“Hello, I’m Jack Elam and every day is punch an idiot in the face day for me, idiot.”

Addendum:

I’ll bet you thought I was going to mention Justin Bieber somewhere in this post.

Well you were wrong…apart from this bit.