idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the tag “news”

16 Feb 2025
2 Comments

I Missed National Slap Day!

Did you know February 15th was National Slap Day?

Neither did I and now we’ve completely missed it; it makes me so angry.

Today is National Almond Day; what the hell am I supposed to do with that?

You might advise me not to cry over spilled milk, but National Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day was February 11th; I missed that one, too.

It makes me so furious that I want to slap someone, but I missed my opportunity.

My life is littered with regrets.

  • The time I saw a pretty girl, and I didn’t introduce myself.
  • The time I saw a pretty girl, and I did introduce myself. (The pepper spray was entirely uncalled for.)
  • Every time I’ve uttered the phrase ‘what’s the worst that could happen’ right before doing something really stupid.
  • The time as a child, I tried to melt Play-Doh on the stove.
  • The time as an adult, I tried to melt Play-Doh on the stove. (I’m not sure what I thought would have changed, certainly not smoke alarms.)
  • The time my uncle told me to grab the electric fence behind my grandmother’s house…and I listened to him.
  • The shocking amount of times I’ve underestimated the power of electricity.
  • When my girlfriend asked me, “How stupid do you think I am? ” and I gave a quantifying answer.
  • The sheer disappointment that is certain to be felt by anyone directed to this blog after searching for National Slap Day just to discover they have missed it.
  • The sheer disappointment this blog causes in general.
  • My Hello Kitty phase. (I’m just joking–I regret nothing about that!)
  • That I have once again missed National Toothache Day.

That’s right. February 9th was National Toothache Day, and it blew right past me.

The decorations never made it out of the box, and I completely forgot about the traditional National Toothache Day dinner: Gummi Bears, Mountain Dew, and a big heaping bowl of molasses, followed by poor oral hygiene.

I’m starting to feel anxious, but National Stress Day isn’t until November 4th.

You have no idea how much that stresses me out!

From this point forward, I’m marking my calendar.

I’ve already circled March 5th: National Multiple Personality Day.

Last year, I relied on one of my other personalities to remind me, but the only thing they ever told me was to kill again.

But this year, we’ll be ready.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , ,
31 Jan 2025
3 Comments

So Many Questions

I recently saw a news story that had the following opening sentence.

“Texas Longhorns assistant football coach Jeff Banks and his stripper ex-girlfriend have tied the knot three years after being sued by the parents of a child who the stripper’s pet monkey bit at a neighborhood haunted house display.”

Is that not awesome?

Five questions immediately leaped to mind:

  1. Why did the article refer to Jeff Banks’s wife as his ex-girlfriend; you had a friend who introduced his wife to people as his ex-girlfriend, she would punch him in the face.
  2. Why was the pet monkey at the haunted house? I feel like monkeys are easily startled.
  3. Did the monkey bite the child because it was startled, or was it just a mean monkey? Was the child a brat child who was taunting it?
  4. Was the brat child okay, or did the child acquire some weird monkey disease, grow fur and a tail and start flinging poop around?
  5. Was the pet monkey just a pet, or was it a part of the stripper’s act?

Well, the article answered none of these questions; it just droned on about how beautiful the bride looked and what a joyous occasion it was.

It did disseminate the bit of information that the bride’s stripper name was “Pole Assassin,” which was an appreciated tidbit.

I’ll bet the monkey’s name was Glitter.

I’d also wager the kid was a brat who had it coming.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , ,
26 Mar 2024
2 Comments

Vending Machines vs. Sharks

So, I recently read that vending machines are responsible for more deaths annually in the U.S. than shark attacks.

Who would have thought vending machines that are more deadly than sharks?

Sharks are terrifying with their rows of razor-sharp teeth, their dead, emotionless eyes, and that creepy music from Jaws that plays every time they get near you. 

Steven Speilberg didn’t make a movie about vending machines killing people on an idyllic resort island.

(But if he had, I’m sure it would have been awesome.)

This is horrible news; I had no idea I was putting my life in danger every time I purchased a bag of cheese puffs.

I knew I would get that orange dust all over my fingers and stuck in my teeth, but that was a risk I was willing to take.

To be fair, if you live in a place like Idaho, you’re far more likely to fall prey to a vending machine than a shark.

The transfats in the cheese puffs will likely take you out before a shark attack will.

You would have to be astronomically unlucky to die of a shark attack in Idaho.

Realistically, if you stay at least ten feet from the ocean, you should be relatively safe from a shark attack.

Vending machines, by contrast, are everywhere–especially in Idaho.

The vast majority of vending machine deaths occur when a purchased item becomes stuck in the machine. The purchaser attempts to dislodge the item by tilting or shaking the vending machine, causing the vending machine to fall on them and crush them.

A small minority of vending machine deaths occur when a person laughs so hysterically that they have a heart attack after they have witnessed a dumbass co-worker tip a vending machine on themself.

People who die in vending machine accidents tend to be people who are physically aggressive and quick to anger.

People who die in a shark attack tend to be people who are vacationing from Idaho, and they thought surfing looked fun, so they decided to try it; it’s safer than a vending machine, they thought.

Dying because a vending machine fell on you has to be mortifying in the afterlife. 

First Dead Person: So, how did you die?

Second Dead Person: I died storming the beaches of Normandy to free Europe from the oppressive boot of the Nazi war machine. How about you?

First Dead Person: My bag of cheese puffs got caught in the little spirally thing in a vending machine. I was really hungry. I’m from Idaho.

I would suggest if you are physically aggressive and quick to anger, you would do well to avoid vending machines. 

Go surfing, that might be fun.

Posted in funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
04 Aug 2023
2 Comments

Epic Failure?

It was to be a great day of triumph.
After a month of intense preparation, pushing my mental and physical capabilities to their limits, I was ready to make my epic trek swimming across Lake Erie from North East Pennsylvania to Long Point, Canada.
My friend Philbert did not share my confidence concerning my prospects for success. “You’re going to drown,” he told me plainly.
“You need to be more positive,” I admonished him.
“I am positive you’re going to drown,” he reiterated.
Onlookers and well-wishers filled the beach as I made my final preparations.
Actually, the crowd was comprised mostly of residents of North East who were there to jeer at me and hurl insults.
It seemed they were upset at my characterization of the town being filled with inbred cannibals and having a goat for a mayor.
One particularly vocal resident relayed how disgusted he was that I would even suggest there were any inbred cannibals in North East. He then innocently inquired about what would be done with the body if the unthinkable happened and I were to drown. Evidently, he and his sister/wife had a new recipe for meat sauce they were dying to try.
The goat mayor was also there, galavanting around, braying at people, and peeing on their feet. Still, he was a considerable upgrade from the previous mayor.
I dove into the water and began my journey. I could feel myself surging through the water. Philbert, who was in a kayak paddling beside me, said I looked like a dolphin going through the water.
Alas, after what seemed an interminable amount of time, the fatigue overcame me. The severe cramping in my muscles and searing pain in my side rendered me unable to continue.
“I think this is it,” I told Philbert, the burning in my lungs making speech difficult. “If this is the end of my journey on this spinning orb, remember me fondly, my old friend,” I told him as a solitary tear rolled down my cheek.
“Just stand up, you @#%!ing idiot,” he snapped.
I was about 50 feet from shore; it was admittedly disappointing.
“But you said I was moving through the water like a dolphin,” I said to Philbert defensively.
“I said you look like a wounded dolphin in the water,” he corrected me with a little more derision than was necessary.
Sometimes Philbert can be a dick.
Then the people on shore started to hurl rocks at me.
“Whoa, stop throwing rocks,” the inbred cannibal yelled, seemingly coming to my defense, “you’ll bruise the meat.”
Eventually, the authorities came and dispersed the crowd allowing me to retreat to my home and lick my wounds from what Philbert referred to as a humiliating and epic failure. They also ticketed me for what they called an act of unparalleled stupidity–that’s not even a thing!
I later learned that my preparation, watching a Jaws marathon and eating chicken wings, wasn’t sufficient for a swim across Lake Erie.
After some introspection and much-needed soul-searching, I think I will turn my attention to being shot out of a cannon over a ravine; there’s no way that can fail.

Posted in erie, fitness, funny and tagged , , , , , ,
15 Jan 2023
2 Comments

PennDOT Confirms Using Explosives to Fix Road

Pennsylvania pot holes

This stretch of road seems oddly smooth.

Erie, Pennsylvania–Officials from PennDOT have confirmed the explosions heard emanating from the Route 5 area of North East, Pennsylvania was, in fact, a road crew working on a stretch of the road between the towns of North East and Harborcreek.

The road crew was employing dynamite to blow a gaping hole in the road, remedying the fact that there wasn’t already a gaping hole in the road.

A PennDOT official had been traveling along Route 5 when he realized there was a stretch of road nearly 50 yards long without any potholes. “I was driving along when I realized the familiar rumbling and shaking from traversing Pennsylvania roadways had stopped for several seconds…it was very disconcerting.”

The stretch of roadway fell far below PennDOT standards, requiring at least 39% of any 100-foot stretch of Pennsylvania roadway to contain potholes, debris, drunken hobos, or strategically placed orange cones that guide motorists into a pond.

Upon discovering the problem, PennDOT moved with the efficiency and swiftness for which it is renowned and dispatched a road crew within a year and a half.

“Sure, we could have put small holes throughout that stretch of road, but that’s a lot of work,” the foreman of the road crew said. “We decided to go with one big hole in the middle.”

“Blowing **** up is fun,” one of the crew members, Ron, “eight fingers,” Smith commented.

The section of Route 5 in question is now almost entirely impassable, bringing it into accordance with PennDOT standards.

PennDOT suggests if you find yourself traveling along this stretch of road, take care to follow the detour signs and orange cones–they lead you into a pond.

PennDot road crew

“I told you we should have used dynamite.”

Posted in erie, funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
25 Aug 2022
6 Comments

Erie Tourism to Address Issues

Erie, Pa.—Ned Weedly, director of the Erie County Board of Tourism, has released a statement regarding disturbing trends affecting tourism in Erie County.

To be addressed are a fix for the high-water problem at Presque Isle, the lack of parking in downtown Erie, the slight rise of toxins in Lake Erie fish, and the reports of people being eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals.

“We are actively working to find a solution to the high-water issue at Presque Isle, and we’ve added two new parking lots in the downtown area,” Mr. Weedly stated emphatically. “The toxin issue in Lake Erie fish is something all the communities that rest on the shores of Lake Erie are looking into, and finally, the reports of people being eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals are patently false…Sure, somebody gets eaten occasionally, but it doesn’t happen every day; you’re more likely to be struck by lightning than eaten by a roving band of inbred cannibals.”

When it was pointed out to Mr. Weedly that the last person to be struck by lightning in Erie County was then eaten by a roving band of inbred cannibals that had dragged his body from a local golf course, Mr. Weedly indicated that anyone stupid enough to play golf in a lightning storm in an area known to be frequented by roving bands of inbred cannibals is just asking to be eaten.

“Let’s be frank,” Mr. Weedly added, “most of the people who get eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals are slow and dimwitted. Sometimes, they’re just plain old.”

Asked to answer if he couldn’t see how the threat of being eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals might deter tourism, he had the following response: “I’d say the good outweighs the bad: visit our wonderful beaches at Presque Isle, try your hand at lady luck at the casino, or stop by one of our many fantastic wineries. Sure, you may be eaten by a roving band of inbred cannibals. Still, you’re far more likely to be taken out by the flesh-eating bacteria in our water supply.”

Mr. Weedly then took the opportunity to unveil the new Erie County tourism slogan: Come to Erie County; There’s Not as Many Roving Bands of Inbred Cannibals as You’d Think!

erie pa
Presque Isle: only the slow and dimwitted get eaten.

Posted in erie, funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , ,
12 Jul 2022
2 Comments

The Future of Policing (Fingers Crossed)

I recently happened upon this story at metro.co.uk about a citizen in Los Angeles who witnessed a brawl that was breaking out and tried to report it to a robot police officer:

image source: usaherald.com

“Cogo Guebara rushed over to the motorized police officer and pushed its emergency alert button on seeing the brawl break out in Salt Lake Park, Los Angeles, last month.

But instead of offering assistance, the egg-shaped robot, whose official name is HP RoboCop, barked at Guebara to ‘Step out of the way’.

To add insult to injury, the high-tech device then rolled away while humming an ‘intergalactic tune’, pausing periodically to say ‘Please keep the park clean.’”

Isn’t that awesome?

The person who programmed the robot is either tragically incompetent or a genius.

I choose to believe that person is a genius.

I have no idea what ‘intergalactic tune’ the robot was humming. I can only hope it was the theme song from Cops: “bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?”

Commit their crimes around HP Robocop, that’s what bad boys are gonna do.

HP Robocop is going to ignore the crime being committed and tase the concerned citizen reporting the crime. I envision the concerned citizen lying on the ground in puddle of their own drool and urine as HP Robocop rolls away humming the tune to Shock the Monkey.

At least that’s my hope.

Do I actually hope an innocent person gets tased?

Yes. Yes I do.

I’m only assuming HP Robocop is armed with a taser, but I don’t want to live in a world where HP Robocop isn’t armed with a taser. I also hope he’s programmed to aim for the groin.

There have also been reports of a second HP Robocop running into a child and a third HP Robocop falling into a fountain.

It just keeps getting better!

We need armies of HP Robocops in every community.

After scouring the local news reports here in Jamestown, NY, I found exactly zero stories about a child being runover by a robot or about a robot falling into a fountain.

I didn’t find a single story involving a robot police officer tasing someone in the groin.

It’s like I’m living in a third world country.

I just watched the latest press conference with Governor Hochul: there wasn’t a single mention of HP Robocop, it was just a big wad of useless political gibberish.

The Governor is wasting all this time on gun control when she could be bringing us HP Robocop.

Priorities!

Sure, HP Robocop probably wouldn’t stop any crime and he might even exacerbate the crime, but that’s a chance I’m willing to take.

It’s time to get a ballot initiative going.

It’s time to bring HP Robocop to every community.

Posted in funny, Humor, Jamestown, NY and tagged , , , , , ,
05 Nov 2019
4 Comments

PennDot Defends Sinkhole

sinkhole in Pittsburgh

Just a typical day of commuting on Pennsylvania roadways.

National news was made earlier this week when a Port Authority bus fell into a sinkhole in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

While the incident has been the butt of many jokes and has been turned into the subject of countless memes, it hasn’t been a laughing matter to PennDOT officials. “I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Ron Smith, a longtime PennDOT official who has nearly all of his fingers, “technically this sinkhole is only the fifth largest pothole in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.”

When the veracity of that claim was challenged, Ron Smith the longtime PennDOT official who still has at least eight of his toes, pulled out photographic proof. “See this picture: it’s of a pothole in Lancaster County that swallowed up five Amish buggies, horses and all,” he declared defiantly. “Do you see the small Amish boy standing by the hole weeping–he’s fatherless now.”

Surely that’s the biggest pothole in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, you’re probably thinking: not even close.

“There’s a pothole near Altoona,” continued Ron Smith the longtime PennDOT official who’s blind in one eye, but you can’t really tell, “that’s so big, they’ve turned it into a skate park.”

When queried as to why the potholes aren’t just fixed, Ron Smith the longtime PennDOT official who lost most of his body hair in a freak hot tar accident, replied derisively. “Don’t you think we’ve tried? We lost five good men trying to fill a pothole out near Scranton. Those were five quality PennDOT workers who put in two to three solid days of work a month.” He paused for a moment of reflection. “They had to bury empty caskets.”

“Doesn’t that screw up traffic?” He was asked.

“Of course it does,” Ron Smith, the longtime PennDOT official cackled with laughter as two of the final three teeth fell from his mouth, “but that’s not PennDOT’s problem.”

When asked how long the incompetent bureaucrats had been running PennDOT, he became very quiet and replied solemnly, “a very long time.”

Addendum

It was later learned from Ron Smith, the longtime PennDOT official who has a freakish amount of thick and robust nose hair despite the hot tar incident, that there was a pothole in Erie County so large, it was filled in with water and made an honorary Great Lake–people waterski there.

lake erie

Waterskiing in a pothole near Erie, Pennsylvania.

Posted in erie, funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
15 Aug 2019
2 Comments

“They Can’t Read Shit,” Erie School District Lawyer Says

The Erie School District and School Board on Thursday said it would stop using the longtime lawyer, Tim Sennett, to handle school matters after a remark he made created an uproar at a board hearing.

Sennett said the charter school’s standardized test scores are so poor that he believed its students could not “read the newspaper.” Sennett then went on to say he thought Erie School District students “look funny and smell weird.”

“Recent comments by one of the attorneys representing the district were inappropriate and in no way reflect the administration’s or the School Board’s beliefs or the kind of culture we are trying to foster,” Erie Schools Superintendent Brian Polito said, “the wellbeing of our students is our top priority, regardless of how funny they look or how weird they smell–they smell like beets.”

Superintendent Polito was immediately stricken from his post.

An unnamed School Board official stated that former Superintendent Polito’s comments were absolutely not a representation of the School Board’s opinion of the “funny looking, weird smelling, semi-literate students,” within the Erie School system.

That unnamed official was then roughed-up and forcibly removed. “There’s something crazy in those little bastards eyes,” he was heard to yell as he was dragged away.

“Such comments could be damaging to self-esteem of our students,” a second unnamed official said, “luckily those comments should only appear in the newspaper, so those little crazy-eyed bastards are never going to see it.”

illiterate, idiotprufs

This Erie School System student also mispelled the word irony.

Posted in erie, funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
08 Jul 2019
3 Comments

Frontier Park Slide Too Costly, Catapult to be Added Instead

Staff Reporter's avatargooferie

With the lone bid for a proposed slide at Frontier Park coming in over budget, officials at the nonprofit group L.E.A.F. have changed plans, and will now build a catapult that will transport visitors from one end of the park to another.

According to spokesperson Bobby “Bo” Tannicle, the catapult will actually be an improvement over the slide. “The slide would have only taken people 40 feet. With the catapult, we can send people over 100 feet, and can land them in various sections of the park.”

Tannicle added, “Since safety of park visitors is a concern, those using the catapult will be required to wear a helmet.”

L.E.A.F. officials are currently checking out front lawns on the lower east side to gather used mattresses to cushion the landing zones.

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Posted in erie, funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , ,

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