idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the category “lists”

21 Mar 2018
5 Comments

Unhappy Penguins With Happy Feet

We’ll show you happy feet.

The zoo is place of learning, a place of discovery, a place to take in the breadth and width of God’s creation. It’s a place where every ten steps you stop and check the bottom of your child’s shoe to ensure that revolting smell isn’t something he’s stepped in.

At these zoos, zoologists separate animals into several basic categories:

Animals that can kill you by stomping on you:

  • Big elephants.
  • Not so big elephants.
  • Smallish elephants.
  • Most any elephant.
  • Mimes pretending to be elephants.
  • Hippopotami.
  • Moose.
  • Bison.
  • Really huge geese.
  • Small geese, but a butt-load of them.
  • Giraffes.
  • An incensed mob of penguins that overheard you casually comment that Happy Feet sucked.
  • Bigfoot.
  • That crazy mom from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.
  • Chris Christie.
  • Rhinos
  • The Hulk.

Animals that can kill you by biting or stinging you:

  • Rattlesnakes.
  • Scorpion.
  • Box jellyfish.
  • Black mambo.
  • The Brazilian wandering spider. If the venom of the Brazilian wandering spider doesn’t kill you, it may result in permanent impotence (Insert off-color joke here–I know you have some).
  • Gerald the creepy neighbor kid.
  • Diseased rats.
  • Honey Boo Boo.

Animals that will eat you:

  • Lions.
  • Tigers.
  • Cougars–the feline type.
  • Cougars–the lady type.
  • Polar bears.
  • Yogi Bear (But only if he can’t find any pic-a-nic type baskets).
  • Crocodiles.
  • German cannibals that advertise on Craigslist.
  • Sharks.
  • Piranha.
  • Crazed bunny rabbits.
  • C.H.U.D.
  • Territorial crows.
  • Flocks of wild chickens bent on revenge.

Animals that you can eat:

  • Cows.
  • Wild boar.
  • Ducks
  • Bunny rabbits (You have to get them before they get you).
  • Geese.
  • German guys that answer your Craigslist ad.
  • Deer that your uncle shot.
  • Deer that your uncle hit with his truck.
  • What you suspect is opossum that your uncle hit with his truck, but he is suspiciously evasive about what it is.
  • Tofu turkey (Just kidding, tofu was never alive, it just tastes like something that’s dead).
  • Chicken McNuggets.

Animals that look as though they’ve been genetically altered by a mad scientist:

  • The star-nosed mole.
  • The duck-billed platypus.
  • The axolotl.
  • The aye aye.
  • The entire cast of Jersey Shore.

Animals that appear cute and cuddly but are actually quite dangerous:

  • Mink.
  • The short-tailed shrew.
  • The leopard seal.
  • Gerald the neighbor kid (Not really–he is not cute).
  • Penguins after you made that wise-crack about Happy Feet.
  • Honey Boo Boo.

So the next you go to the zoo, print-out this list and take it with you. Quote from it generously. I guarantee that everyone around you will stare in wide-eyed wonder at the depth of your knowledge.

Note: It’s not until you get home that you discover that revolting smell is your child.

The axolotl, because I know you think I made that name up.

The axolotl, because I know you think I made that name up.

Posted in funny, Humor, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
20 Mar 2018
19 Comments

My Top Ten Previous Lives and Other Nonsense

Napolean

I may have been Napoleon in a previous life.

I’ve noticed when people talk about reincarnation or previous lives, they’ve always been someone famous or influential or important. They’ve always been Napoleon or George Washington or the guy who invented the ShamWow.

Why is it that no one has ever been a banana slug or Igor the twelfth century serf who mucked out stables, and was crushed by a runaway manure cart?

After much deliberation I’ve come up with my top ten previous lives:

TEN

Big stupid dinosaur–Jurassic Period.

NINE

Small clever dinosaur, eaten by a big stupid dinosaur–Jurassic Period.

EIGHT

Big stupid dodo bird that jumped from a cliff in a fruitless attempt to fly–whenever the hell we lived.

dodo bird

Look at those tiny ineffectual wings, no wonder we’re extinct.

SEVEN

Mayan who first met Francisco Hernandez de Cordoba, and thought to himself: these Spaniards seem nice, I’ll introduce them to my people, nothing bad could come from that–sixteenth century, near the time of the fall of the Mayan Empire.

SIX

Wendall Newton, Sir Isaac Newton’s stupid cousin who laughed when the apple fell on Isaac’s head. Later he ate the apple and choked, it had a worm in it–seventeenth century.

FIVE

Pierre, Marie Antoinette’s advisor and later headless corpse. He advised her: just tell them to eat cake–eighteenth century.

FOUR

Adolph Hitler, but not the infamous one; just a poor lad born at the wrong time in Germany with a very unfortunate name–early twentieth century.

THREE

Raccoon who was shot, but later gained fame as Fess Parker’s hat–mid twentieth century.

TWO

Big stupid tuna fish caught in a net. Later became part of a casserole that Edwina Fornwaller took to a pot-luck dinner. It was dry and not well received–late twentieth century.

ONE

Bigfoot. Spent time lurking just out of sight, and being captured in grainy indistinguishable photographs–whenever.

fess parker

Here I am on Fess Parker’s head. Don’t I look awesome?

Posted in funny, Humor, lists, top ten list and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
02 Mar 2018
14 Comments

Putting One Thing on Top of Another Thing

blocks,

An example of my capabilities.

“Do you understand?” He was gaping at me the way someone would who had just tried to explain calculus to an ape. And not one of those clever apes that knows sign language but one of those apes on the nature channel that eats its own poop.

“Seriously?” I responded.

“Yeah,” he spat the word at me in the most condescending arrogant voice he could conjure. “Did you understand what I just explained to you?”

Note: in fairness to him, the most condescending arrogant voice he could conjure was just his voice–the fact that he resembled a rat didn’t help.

Allow me to go back to the beginning and explain: I am referring to an experience I had as a temporary worker. When you’re a temporary worker, there are certain things about you that are presumed:

  • You possess the education of a 12th-century manure mucker, your biggest aspiration is to one day be allowed to use a shovel.
  • You need everything explained to you at least a dozen times.
  • You need everything explained in a tone that one would use when explaining to a small child why he shouldn’t eat all the finger paint and vomit into the fish tank.
  • You need everything explained to you in monosyllabic language. (Ironically, the word monosyllabic is exactly the type of word that should never be used when explaining something to a temporary worker.)
  • You need everything explained to you with accompanying diagrams. These diagrams should be drawn in crayon if possible.
  • All diagrams should be drawn in non-threatening colors such as forest green or navy blue. Bright colors confuse and disorient temporary workers (fuchsia makes us crazy).

I was interrupted from my duties by Rat-Faced Guy, (not his actual name) who informed me that he needed my assistance.

He dragged me over to a line where juice was being packaged in small cans. As cases of these cans progressed down the line, a machine would lift every other case and then fling the cans into the air, spilling them across the floor. Evidently, that’s not how the machine was designed to operate.

Rat-Faced Guy (probably not his name) explained to me that the malfunctioning machine would be shut down, and I would step in to take its place. As the cases came down the line in pairs, it would be my job to pick up the first case of juice and place it on top of the second case of juice. Then I would have to do that again and again until the machine was operating properly again.

It was at that point that Rat-Faced Guy (potentially his actual name, when I said Rat-Faced Guy, people seem to know to whom I was referring) asked me if I understood.

“So, you’re asking me if I understand putting one thing on top of another thing?” I asked him.

“Yeah.” He looked at me with his beady eyes, his wispy mustache twitching nervously.

“What if, instead of putting the first case on top of the second, I put the second case under the first case?” I proposed.

Rat-Faced Guy (probably his actual name) looked at me incredulously. “Why would you do that?”

“I’m a visionary,” I told him. “I’m like Henry Ford, Steve Jobs, or Thomas Crapper.”

“Just do it the way I told you,” squeaked Rat-Faced Guy (almost certainly his actual name).

For the next two hours, I stood in one spot, and successfully put one thing on top of another thing.

Perhaps now they will trust me with something challenging such as putting one thing next to another thing.

The sky’s the limit–except for stacking things: two is the limit for stacking things.

idiotprufs, rat cartoon

Rat-faced guy having lunch.

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, lists, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
21 Feb 2018
18 Comments

Don’t Cry Over Spilled Mercury Vapor

cfl lightbulb cleanup hindenburg

It’s just a light bulb…right?

I broke a light bulb the other day.

It’s not a big deal, right? You just grab a broom and sweep it up.

But this was a compact flourescent light bulb, so I went to epa.gov for instructions regarding proper disposal.

This is what I found:

STEP ONE

  • Abandon your home like it is Chernobyl.
  • Run screaming into the night.
  • Never look back.

STEP TWO

If step one is not feasible, acquire the following items for cleanup.

  • A stiff piece of cardboard (that you will later burn).
  • Sticky tape (that you will later burn).
  • A broom (that you will later hack to bits with a machete and burn).
  • A machete.
  • A glass jar with a metal lid.
  • A metal jar with a glass lid.
  • Five metric tons of concrete.
  • 15 silver-plated shovels.
  • A Sham-wow. (You won’t be using the Sham-wow for cleanup, they’re just really handy to have around.)
  • A helper monkey named Jeff, who is immune to gamma rays.
  • Gamma rays.
  • A number of friends who are willing to help you, regardless of the fact their hair will fall out and boils will cover their bodies.
  • Rogaine and boil medication.
  • A ham and cheese sandwich. (This is going to take some time; you will get hungry.)

STEP THREE

After step two fails:

  • Burn your house to the ground.
  • Attend the funerals of the friends who didn’t make it.
  • Give moving eulogies.
  • Make new friends (seriously, your current group of friends are just hideous looking) you’ve still got work to do.

STEP FOUR

Disposing of the ashes of your home:

  • Collect the ashes of your home and bury them in a thirty foot hole.
  • Dig them up and burn them again.
  • Bury them in fifty foot hole.
  • Cover the hole with concrete.
  • Surround the concrete with an electrified fence.
  • Put a sign on the fence that reads: Beware Bigfoot.
  • Remove the sign after the site becomes a gathering place for people who believe they’ve found irrefutable evidence of Bigfoot.
  • Put a sign on the fence that reads: Beware Yeti.
  • Learn from your mistakes.
  • Dig a moat.
  • Fill the moat with acid.
  • Move on with your life.

STEP FIVE

Moving on with your life:

  • Purchase a new house.
  • Move in and make it a home.
  • Drop another compact flouresant light bulb.
  • Scream in anguish.

STEP SIX

  • Abandon Earth.
  • Colonize Mars.
  • Don’t take any compact flourescent light bulbs.

Note: This is from the “quick instructions” portion of the website. The “detailed instructions” portion was just ridiculous.

muppet running

“Run Away!”

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
19 Feb 2018
4 Comments

The Top Ten Reasons People Unfollow This Blog

unfollow button

Number 10

The medication has finally begun to work.

Number 9

The mimes are beginning to win their battle against me.

Number 8

The overwhelming shame and the constant hassle of having to delete their browser history has become too much.

Number 7

This blog causes cancer in lab rats. (It kills wombats outright.)

Number 6

This blog was hacked by the North Korean government following an unfortunate comment concerning Kim Jong Un’s potato-faced head. (He has a potato-faced head.)

kim jong Un

Mrs. Potato Head is sold separately.

Number 5

Internet privileges have been revoked in the violent offenders wing of Attica.

Number 4

An unexpected backlash after the post entitled: Charles Manson: not such a bad guy.

Number 3

After the alcohol induced haze passes, people realize this blog is crap.

Number 2

After my ugly break with the Church of Scientology, Tom Cruise’s army of thugs have been relentless in their opposition of this blog.

Number 1

The sudden and jarring realization people have as they read this blog: I’m worth more than this.

mr. potato head

The mustache looks good on you, Kim Jong.

Posted in funny, Humor, lists, top ten list and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15 Feb 2018
8 Comments

You Put What in Your Mouth Now?

That is just horrifying.

What the…?

In a previous post, I mentioned that Ken Edwards of Glossup, Derbyshire, England, set a world record by eating 36 cockroaches in less than a minute.

You think that’s revolting? Sean Murphy of Lansing, Michigan, set a world record by holding 16 Madagascar hissing cockroaches in his mouth at one time.

This is just one Madagascar hissing cockroach.

I don’t even want to be in the same room with one of these.

Just a few weird world records that caught my eye:

Kim Goodman of the U.S. set a world record by popping her eyes out 12 mm, in a competition in Turkey.

Holy crap! She looks like a Batman villian: Bug-eyed.

Holy crap! She looks like a Batman villain: Bug-eyed.

Ilker Yilmaz of Istanbul, Turkey, set a world record by squirting milk from his eye, a distance of 9 feet and 2 inches.

What do think Kim was looking at when her eyes went all buggy?

What do think Kim was looking at when her eyes went all buggy?

Mehmet Ozyurek of Turkey, has the worlds longest nose, measuring 8.8cm from bridge to tip.

what is going on with the weirdness in Turkey.

You think your eyes are big? Take a look at this.

You think your eyes are big, Kim? Take a look at this thing.

In August of 1976, Tom Miller of the United States, spent 4 days, 23 hours, 47 minutes, and 3 seconds, pushing a peanut to the summit of Pike’s Peak, with his nose.

This seems like a job more suited for Mehmet Ozyurek.

This seems like a job more suited for Mehmet Ozyurek.

Kevin Cole of Carlsbad, New Mexico, set a world record by blowing spaghetti out of his nose a distance of 19cm.

His parents were in the audience sobbing with pride. Well...they were sobbing anyway.

His parents were in the audience sobbing with pride. Well…they were sobbing anyway.

169 is the record for the most people to get inside one pair of underwear.

I know what you were thinking: this is just a cheap set-up for an off-color joke about some celebrity–shame on you.

Don't you want to be a Pepper too?

Don’t you want to be a Pepper too?

The world’s horniest animal.

Shame on you again.

Luther, an Africa watusi steer owned by Janice Wolf of Gassville, Arkansas. Also holds the record for most damage done in a china shop.

Luther, an Africa watusi steer owned by Janice Wolf of Gassville, Arkansas. He also holds the record for the most damage done in a china shop.

And finally: the title of the author of the world’s most irritatingly pointless blog goes to…

drooling smiley

Yeah–that’s me.

Posted in funny, Humor, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
04 Feb 2018
8 Comments

A Halftime Show I Can Get Behind

halftime sharks

Put Katy Perry in a tank with real sharks–that would be entertainment.

Justin Timberlake is preforming at halftime of the Super Bowl today–yawn.

It’s all so tiresome: people flying in from the rooftop, dancing sharks, fireworks, giant spectacular dance sequences, Janet Jackson’s exposed breast.

Actually, Janet Jackson’s exposed breast is the one interesting thing that’s happened at a halftime show in the last 20 years. Kudos to Justin Timberlake for that.

I have a few ideas for next year’s halftime show.

Justin Bieber and Pope Francis in a knife fight to the death:

Seriously, the outcome of the football game would be a secondary outcome of the day. The winner could raise a bloody fist, look into the camera, and say, “I’m going to Disneyland.” I think the pope would enjoy Disneyland.

Mimes and angry ferrets:

Get a bunch of mimes, put them in a pen at midfield, then release 10,000 angry ferrets into the pen. The mime that can remain in character the longest wins. (It’s not easy to do that invisible wall thing while ferrets are chewing your ears off.)

Penguins:

I don’t care what you do with them–just get a rookery of penguins and let them wander around the field–penguins are awesome. If you could teach one of the penguins to expose Janet Jackson’s breast, you would have pure entertainment gold.

An exhibition game:

A team of NFL pro-bowlers could take on a team comprised completely of losing contestants from The Bachelorette. The confessional/emergent care room would be must-see television.

Kayne West:

Kayne West does a typical Super Bowl halftime show with one caveat: everyone in the stadium gets a slingshot and a pile of rocks. Granted, for Philadelphia Eagles fans, this wouldn’t be much different than any regular-season game in Philadelphia, but the rest of us would love it.

These are my suggestions; I expect to see one of these next year, NFL.

kanye west

Kayne’s head is practically a target.

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
30 Jan 2018
10 Comments

Was That a Screeching Brazilian Stink Monkey?

Screeching Brazilian Stink Monkey?

I have a phobia.

A fear that creeps upon me and slowly overwhelms me. A fear that causes me to lay awake at night, tossing, turning, afraid to fall asleep for fear of what might happen while I’m slumbering.

What is this fear that has me in such a state of paranoia?

I fear that a roving horde of screeching Brazilian stink monkeys will break into my home and handle all my possessions with their filthy stink monkey paws. I fear that they will rub my possessions all over their parasite infested bodies and then return them to their exact position of origin, leaving me to only guess of their nefarious activities.

My friends tell that I’m crazy.

Am I crazy. Am I really?

When I get up in the morning, I find everything in exactly the same position that I left it the night before! Typical screeching Brazilian stink monkey behavior.

My friends persist with the idea that I’m crazy for two specific reasons:

  1. Monkeys tend not to be fastidious creatures and are far more likely to scatter things about and pee on them, than return them to their place of origin.
  2. There is no such creature as the screeching Brazilian stink monkey. They seem smugly confident about this point–hey, Wikipedia doesn’t know everything.

According to National Geographic, 1,200 new species of plants and vertebrates were discovered in the Amazon between the years 1999 and 2009 alone. With that many new species being discovered, one of them is bound to be a monkey, a monkey that by its sheer characteristics and nature, could only be called a Screeching Brazilian Stink Monkey.

My paranoia has become so profound that my friends have suggested medication. The doctor (another apparent expert of Amazonian wild life) concurred. I’m now on an experimental drug called Oxymoron-gubernatorial-toxin. It seems to be working, there are however a few slight side effects:

  • Dizziness.
  • Dry mouth.
  • Itchy rashes shaped like Lake Titicaca.
  • The inability to say Lake Titicaca without giggling uncontrollably.
  • Your left ear will fall off at really inconvenient times.
  • Nausea.
  • More nausea.
  • Vomiting.
  • Even more nausea.
  • Squirrels will steal your mail.
  • Sleeplessness caused by nausea.
  • Random baboon attacks. (They’re obviously in cahoots with the screeching Brazilian stink monkeys.)
  • The theme to Gilligan’s Island will get stuck in your head.
  • Coma.

Everything seems to be going well; I sometimes get nauseous when I have to chase squirrels or bend over to pick up my ear.

But now and then, out of the corner of my eye, I think I see a screeching Brazilian stink monkey, just waiting to handle all of my possessions.

lake titicaca

That red line is particularly itchy.

Posted in funny, Humor, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
09 Jan 2018
17 Comments

First Impressions

pigpen peanuts charlie brown

You’re ready for that big date.

Have you ever been preparing to go on a first date and had someone give you the following advice: just be yourself?

Did that piece of advice give you the confidence you needed?

Well it shouldn’t–you’re a dreadful person.

That advice is the type of pabulum you’d get from a cheap greeting card written by a half-wit and given to you by someone who pretends to care about you, but who secretly plots your demise. (Grandma is quite devious.)

The facts:

  • You make a bad first impression.
  • You make a bad second impression.
  • You make a third impression that is shockingly worse than the first two.
  • You make a fourth impression that is better than the first three, but still lacking.
  • The fifth time people meet you they attack you with a claw hammer.
  • You smell like beets and goat urine.
  • Unsurprisingly, much of your wardrobe is stained with beet juice, goat urine, and a green goo you’ve yet to identify.
  • You pepper your speech with the phrase, “that’s what she said.”
  • You attempt to impress your date with your mastery of the Klingon language. (Even Klingon women find this unimpressive.)
  • Your ability to belch the theme to Gilligan’s Island is less of an aphrodisiac than you perceive it to be.
  • When you pee it whistles. (This probably won’t be an issue on a first date, but you should seriously have that looked into.)
  • Peppermint schnapps is not a satisfactory alternative to good oral hygiene.
  • Constantly griping about how handicapped people get all the good parking spots isn’t a good look.
  • Nobody cares about your collection of toenail clippings and they certainly don’t need to see pictures of it.
  • You spend far too much time bragging about how many times you’ve accidentally set yourself on fire.
  • Quite frankly–you’re just a dick.

So my advice to you (apart from adopting celibacy) is to be as far from yourself as you can possibly be.

If radical plastic surgery and hypnosis aides you in being as far from yourself as possible: I’m all in on that.

Good luck on that first date…hopefully you won’t get pepper-sprayed.

man pepper spray

Yeah, that’s how I thought it would go.

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
01 Dec 2017
4 Comments

10 Things That Should Happen in the NFL but Probably Won’t

01nfl

#10

The New England Patriots are stripped of all five Super Bowl titles after it is discovered Tom Brady is a robot.

#9

The red challenge flag is to be replaced with a confetti cannon filled with angry bees.

mike tomlin

“I wish I had a confetti canon full of angry bees.”

#8

The two-minute warning is now marked by the release of 200 frenzied honey badgers onto the field.

#7

Every team’s official mascot is a monkey in a cowboy hat on a unicycle.

#6

After years of bitter disappointment, the Cleveland Browns pack up, move to Baltimore, change their name to the Ravens, and win multiple Super Bowls. (Sorry, I’ve been told this has already happened.)

#5

A new rule that stipulates the team losing at halftime must dress as rodeo clowns for the second half.

#4

Jim Brown trades in his trademark Kufi cap for a beanie with a propeller.

Jim Brown

“Why am I in Baltimore?”

#3

Referees are replaced with blindfolded mimes.

#2

The Super Bowl halftime show: Pope Francis battles Justin Bieber in a knife fight to the death. (Neither one of them sings.)

#1

The Cleveland Browns draft a quarterback that leads the team to the Super Bowl…Hell experiences a record-breaking cold snap.

Bill win Super Bowl

“This is Jim Cantore reporting live from Hell.”

Posted in funny, Humor, lists, top ten list and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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