Don’t Cry Over Spilled Mercury Vapor
It’s just a light bulb…right?
I broke a light bulb the other day.
It’s not a big deal, right? You just grab a broom and sweep it up.
But this was a compact flourescent light bulb, so I went to epa.gov for instructions regarding proper disposal.
This is what I found:
STEP ONE
- Abandon your home like it is Chernobyl.
- Run screaming into the night.
- Never look back.
STEP TWO
If step one is not feasible, acquire the following items for cleanup.
- A stiff piece of cardboard (that you will later burn).
- Sticky tape (that you will later burn).
- A broom (that you will later hack to bits with a machete and burn).
- A machete.
- A glass jar with a metal lid.
- A metal jar with a glass lid.
- Five metric tons of concrete.
- 15 silver-plated shovels.
- A Sham-wow. (You won’t be using the Sham-wow for cleanup, they’re just really handy to have around.)
- A helper monkey named Jeff, who is immune to gamma rays.
- Gamma rays.
- A number of friends who are willing to help you, regardless of the fact their hair will fall out and boils will cover their bodies.
- Rogaine and boil medication.
- A ham and cheese sandwich. (This is going to take some time; you will get hungry.)
STEP THREE
After step two fails:
- Burn your house to the ground.
- Attend the funerals of the friends who didn’t make it.
- Give moving eulogies.
- Make new friends (seriously, your current group of friends are just hideous looking) you’ve still got work to do.
STEP FOUR
Disposing of the ashes of your home:
- Collect the ashes of your home and bury them in a thirty foot hole.
- Dig them up and burn them again.
- Bury them in fifty foot hole.
- Cover the hole with concrete.
- Surround the concrete with an electrified fence.
- Put a sign on the fence that reads: Beware Bigfoot.
- Remove the sign after the site becomes a gathering place for people who believe they’ve found irrefutable evidence of Bigfoot.
- Put a sign on the fence that reads: Beware Yeti.
- Learn from your mistakes.
- Dig a moat.
- Fill the moat with acid.
- Move on with your life.
STEP FIVE
Moving on with your life:
- Purchase a new house.
- Move in and make it a home.
- Drop another compact flouresant light bulb.
- Scream in anguish.
STEP SIX
- Abandon Earth.
- Colonize Mars.
- Don’t take any compact flourescent light bulbs.
Note: This is from the “quick instructions” portion of the website. The “detailed instructions” portion was just ridiculous.
“Run Away!”
idiotpruf 
At least you survived. You could have been vaporized while reading all the instructions.
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But I did grow a tail , which is really inconvenient.
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Fucking hilarious. It would have been an excellent opportunity to get back at Lance and his burning dog bubbles.
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I would never do that. Plus, the light bulb thing happened first.
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I know, but time travel gets attractive at certain points in life.
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If could time travel, I’d be making sure Justin Bieber’s parents never meet.
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Then he’d just pop out of someone else’s delivery room. You can’t squelch that kind of evil.
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But you have a duty to try.
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I still have a bucket of the old one’s….what the hell do I do with those..!! Maybe I’ll try to give them away on a site for free crap! They still work…want them??
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You keep light bulbs in a bucket?
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ya…..what else would you put them in?? it’s only an ice cream bucket!
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I’m still on step two which I think is going pretty well. My question is, how do I burn the gamma rays? I was able to burn everything else except for that sneaky Jeff.
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Lots and lots of lighter fluid.
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Ha! You have hit on my pet peeve, my endless light bulb woes. Expensive! Toxic! Hard to dispose of. Seriously it is 2016, we should not be sitting in the dark. Last year we had two normal, healthy, regular light bulbs that we just moved from socket to socket. Don’t even get me started about the light bulbs that smoke or the ones that just pop and there you are, ten bucks down the drain.
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Yes, when they are not just out of order but really BROKEN they are toxic, but when they are just not functioning any more I take them to a place that sells them. But then, I live in Germany.
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We just chuck them into Lake Erie, it’s already got mercury in it.
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What about the ones that appear over your head when you get a good idea?
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Ha!
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