The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

First Impressions

pigpen peanuts charlie brown

You’re ready for that big date.

Have you ever been preparing to go on a first date and had someone give you the following advice: just be yourself?

Did that piece of advice give you the confidence you needed?

Well it shouldn’t–you’re a dreadful person.

That advice is the type of pabulum you’d get from a cheap greeting card written by a half-wit and given to you by someone who pretends to care about you, but who secretly plots your demise. (Grandma is quite devious.)

The facts:

  • You make a bad first impression.
  • You make a bad second impression.
  • You make a third impression that is shockingly worse than the first two.
  • You make a fourth impression that is better than the first three, but still lacking.
  • The fifth time people meet you they attack you with a claw hammer.
  • You smell like beets and goat urine.
  • Unsurprisingly, much of your wardrobe is stained with beet juice, goat urine, and a green goo you’ve yet to identify.
  • You pepper your speech with the phrase, “that’s what she said.”
  • You attempt to impress your date with your mastery of the Klingon language. (Even Klingon women find this unimpressive.)
  • Your ability to belch the theme to Gilligan’s Island is less of an aphrodisiac than you perceive it to be.
  • When you pee it whistles. (This probably won’t be an issue on a first date, but you should seriously have that looked into.)
  • Peppermint schnapps is not a satisfactory alternative to good oral hygiene.
  • Constantly griping about how handicapped people get all the good parking spots isn’t a good look.
  • Nobody cares about your collection of toenail clippings and they certainly don’t need to see pictures of it.
  • You spend far too much time bragging about how many times you’ve accidentally set yourself on fire.
  • Quite frankly–you’re just a dick.

So my advice to you (apart from adopting celibacy) is to be as far from yourself as you can possibly be.

If radical plastic surgery and hypnosis aides you in being as far from yourself as possible: I’m all in on that.

Good luck on that first date…hopefully you won’t get pepper-sprayed.

man pepper spray

Yeah, that’s how I thought it would go.

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17 thoughts on “First Impressions

  1. Febreze and cute kitty/puppy videos might get you through the first drink


  2. Excellent advice. I would add you should say after every sentence. “How’m I doin’ so far.” I actually had a guy do that. Next time I’m taking my pepper spray.


  3. skate Montemayor on said:

    Even like that love her so much but been merry 8yeats and chest half I’m stupid I know it why some day I just want to end my history


  4. skate Montemayor on said:

    Just love it cuz in first date to my ex I’m try so hard no be like that
    And that was my first impression lol & no just the firth couple times
    Even sooooooooo peluda
    Le apestaba El sope bien duro
    I have to tell her cuz I currently be close to her
    I know someone will hate me cuz the comment
    I leammso many thinks with her one it’s allways speak truth
    O no es la verdad mi g!lol the funy think I still have big feelings for her but it’s to I know I’m miserable but I never stick or cheat no just m even the parents and all her best friends oooooooo forget something’s
    Racista de mierda nomeres nadie Sido dónde te conocí a pesar de tú pendejadas !!!!
    Sorry my bad speaking no to her tongue people who will read it
    ,(((((( First and last time I will stay something like this ))))))))
    (((I know I’m low cuz I’m Mexican it’s u say to me ))))))) tank God


  5. aww! I’ve always been told “be yourself- in moderation”. It’s worked out okay so far 🙂


  6. Forget about the first date. Now I can be far from myself on all occassions – thanks to you!! 🙂


  7. Ha! Very funny. Don’t be yourself. Totally fake acting like a human until they start to like you and by then it will be too late…

    We never women such things. Just be yourself, you know, show up in sweatpants,no makeup, all cranky. 🙂


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