Have you ever been preparing to go on a first date and had someone give you the following advice: just be yourself?
Did that piece of advice give you the confidence you needed?
Well it shouldn’t–you’re a dreadful person.
That advice is the type of pabulum you’d get from a cheap greeting card written by a half-wit and given to you by someone who pretends to care about you, but who secretly plots your demise. (Grandma is quite devious.)
- You make a bad first impression.
- You make a bad second impression.
- You make a third impression that is shockingly worse than the first two.
- You make a fourth impression that is better than the first three, but still lacking.
- The fifth time people meet you they attack you with a claw hammer.
- You smell like beets and goat urine.
- Unsurprisingly, much of your wardrobe is stained with beet juice, goat urine, and a green goo you’ve yet to identify.
- You pepper your speech with the phrase, “that’s what she said.”
- You attempt to impress your date with your mastery of the Klingon language. (Even Klingon women find this unimpressive.)
- Your ability to belch the theme to Gilligan’s Island is less of an aphrodisiac than you perceive it to be.
- When you pee it whistles. (This probably won’t be an issue on a first date, but you should seriously have that looked into.)
- Peppermint schnapps is not a satisfactory alternative to good oral hygiene.
- Constantly griping about how handicapped people get all the good parking spots isn’t a good look.
- Nobody cares about your collection of toenail clippings and they certainly don’t need to see pictures of it.
- You spend far too much time bragging about how many times you’ve accidentally set yourself on fire.
- Quite frankly–you’re just a dick.
So my advice to you (apart from adopting celibacy) is to be as far from yourself as you can possibly be.
If radical plastic surgery and hypnosis aides you in being as far from yourself as possible: I’m all in on that.
Good luck on that first date…hopefully you won’t get pepper-sprayed.