idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the category “Humor”

28 Oct 2019

Pet Rhinoceroses

pet rhino

Sure it’s adorable, but it’s a handful.

So your pet rhinoceros has turned out to be more of a handful than you had anticipated.

You’ve horribly underestimated how large rhinoceroses tend to get.

A full grown rhinoceros can knock over a Honda Civic with relative ease. Even when the owner of the Honda Civic and his loudmouthed wife are in the Honda Civic. A rhinoceros can flip over a Honda Civic with just the flick of its horn.

Your neighbor owns a Honda Civic.

Full grown rhinoceroses will eat a lot. And even though it seems illogical, they crap more than they eat.

Rhinoceroses like to crap on rose bushes.

Your neighbor has rose bushes.

Rhinoceroses are angry creatures and they hate garden gnomes; if they see a garden gnome they will stomp on it until it is pulverized.

Your neighbor has garden gnomes.

Did I mention a rhinoceros can puncture the side of a Honda Civic with its horn? It can–and it’s hilarious.

“It’s tipping the car over. It’s tipping the car over,” your neighbor’s loudmouthed wife will scream in horror.

Insurance companies seem reluctant to respond to alleged rhinoceros damage.

You know when you laugh so hard your side hurts and you pee a little: that’s what happens.

Despite all of the positive things I’ve just detailed, you should probably avoid getting a pet rhinoceros.

Get something smaller and more manageable, like a gorilla.

Gorillas just throw their crap at your neighbor and his loudmouthed wife–it’s hilarious.

Just a little rhinoceros damage–it’ll buff right out.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
07 Oct 2019

Driving Tips and Justified Vehicular Homicide

idiotprufs

You seem frustrated.

Let’s say you’re driving down one way street. You’re alert to your surrounding and obeying all the traffic laws, like the conscientious motorist that you are.

You begin to slow down because in front of you is a pair of pedestrians walking toward you down the middle of the street.

Surely they’ll move out of your way; you’re the motorist and they’re pedestrians in the middle of the street.

But they don’t move out of the way. You have to come to a complete stop.

As they get closer you can see that it’s a teenage couple. The girl has a look of complete oblivion on her face and the boy (or Smug Little Bastard as you refer to him) is just staring at you with a cocky look on his smug little bastard face.

You have to sit stationary for an interminable amount of time as you wait for them to slowly make their way past you and out of your way.

Now I’m not suggesting it should be legal to run over people like that with your vehicle…but it should be legal to run over people like that with your vehicle.

I’m not saying it wouldn’t be frowned upon. I’m not saying you wouldn’t receive stern looks of disapproval, but it should be legal.

You should at least be able to nudge them out your way with your bumper.

You’re also driving a company vehicle and you’re not sure how your employers would feel about their vehicle being used in such a manner.

Although, you are certain if they saw the look on Smug Little Bastard’s face, they’d give you the green light.

And if you are this young lady, what the hell are you thinking? Smug Little Bastard just lead you hand in hand into oncoming traffic. Get as far away from this dude as fast as you can. Your future with Smug Little Bastard is bleak.

Bleak is not a word I bandy about lightly.

Bleak!

You’re going to wind up in some ramshackle hut with Smug Little Bastard, a bunch of screaming brats, and a family of rabid opossums. And the opossums will be tolerable ones.

Also, at some point it may become legal to run somebody over who walks smugly down the middle of the street. If my ballot initiative passes in the next election, it will be legal to run somebody over who walks smugly down the middle of street.

So watch yourself.

falling down house

At least the opossums are happy. (Relatively happy.)

Posted in erie, funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
30 Sep 2019
4 Comments

A Quick PSA for Loud-mouthed Pricks

loud mouth

“Act just like me–I’m cool.”

I have a quick message for all the fun loving people loud-mouthed idiots out there who think I should behave the way they do.

Stop It!

Just because you want dance on a table, juggling shot glasses, butchering the lyrics to Love Shack at the top of your lungs, as your testicles dangle from your pants, doesn’t mean that I also want to do that.

I don’t want to see that happening.

I don’t want to be within the proximity of that happening.

I don’t even want the knowledge of that ever occurring.

I assume as a male of the species you have testicles–I don’t need proof.

And I know what’s in my own mind.

If I say I don’t want to pound shots of tequila–I don’t want to pound shots of tequila. I know you think it’s not a party until you’ve vomited on someone’s shoes, but not everyone appreciates having to clean chunks out of their shoelaces.

And for the love of all that is good and merciful, stop trying to make me sing karaoke. We defeated Japan in World War II and they gave us karaoke–let’s just call it even.

Also, why do we excuse boorish behavior based on the fact that it’s habitual.

If a person acts like a jerk once or twice, he’s being a jerk. However, if a person has a pattern of acting like a jerk it’s simply sloughed off as a personality trait.

If Timothy acts like a giant prick today–then Timothy is being a giant prick.

But if Timothy acts like a giant prick on a daily basis, multiple times a day with a seemingly limitless reservoir of giant prickness–then that’s just Tim being Tim.

Wrong!

Timothy is a giant prick! Period!

It’s like saying: sure Theodore Bundy was kidnapper, rapist, necrophile who confessed to torturing and murdering over thirty young women, but that was just Ted being Ted.

And stop describing your giant prick behavior as: “just keeping it real.”

You’re really a giant loud-mouthed prick.

Thank you for allowing me to get that off me chest. I feel much better now.hush now

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
23 Sep 2019
14 Comments

Things Couldn’t Possibly Get Worse

couldn't get worse

There has never been a phrase so inviting of its own contradiction than the phrase “things couldn’t possibly get worse.”

The mere utterance of the phrase is a virtual guarantee that things are about to go horribly wrong.

Example:

You’re hiking through the woods with a friend. You’re beginning to think you’ve lost your bearings and are uncertain about where you are. You have increasing suspicions that your friend’s cartography skills were exaggerated.

You transition from being uncertain of where you are to complete certainty you are lost. Nighttime is approaching, a thunderhead is gathering overhead, you’re friend has just stepped in a giant pile of bear crap (which, as much as it amuses you, is a tad alarming), and you’ve come to the conclusion that your friend’s cartography skills were wildly exaggerated.

As the first streak of lightning burns across the sky, your friend turns to you and says, “well, things couldn’t possibly get worse.”

Without saying a word, you retrieve a stick from the forest floor. You study the stick for a moment, then pull out a jackknife and whittle the stick into a fine point.

You turn to your friend and pause for a moment as he anticipates what you’re going to do, then you jab your friend in the eye with the stick.

“Things are worse now, aren’t they,” you say triumphantly.

Your friend is angry, but you were trying to prove a point…plus, it really irritated you when “Mr. Map Expert” referred to the contour lines on his topographical map as squigglies.

You crash through the forest in the darkness and pouring rain for an interminable amount of time, hopelessly lost and almost sure you’re being stalked by either a bear or bigfoot.

Luck finally smiles upon you as you come across a country road, and there’s a vehicle approaching. Your friend jumps into the road, waving his hands to gain the driver’s attention.

Your friend mistimes his leap into the road and is struck by the car. As it turns out, being poked in one eye with a sharp stick seriously reduces your depth perception.

“I guess things couldn’t get worse,” you finally concede to your friend as he lies on the road in a whimpering mass.

The words barely leave your lips when a bear lurches from the trees and mauls your friend. Bigfoot just watches.

After a lengthy recovery period and extensive physical and mental therapy, your friend is fine.

On the plus side, with all the scars on his face and the eyepatch, he looks like a real badass.

You would tell him that if you were still on speaking terms.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
15 Aug 2019
2 Comments

“They Can’t Read Shit,” Erie School District Lawyer Says

The Erie School District and School Board on Thursday said it would stop using the longtime lawyer, Tim Sennett, to handle school matters after a remark he made created an uproar at a board hearing.

Sennett said the charter school’s standardized test scores are so poor that he believed its students could not “read the newspaper.” Sennett then went on to say he thought Erie School District students “look funny and smell weird.”

“Recent comments by one of the attorneys representing the district were inappropriate and in no way reflect the administration’s or the School Board’s beliefs or the kind of culture we are trying to foster,” Erie Schools Superintendent Brian Polito said, “the wellbeing of our students is our top priority, regardless of how funny they look or how weird they smell–they smell like beets.”

Superintendent Polito was immediately stricken from his post.

An unnamed School Board official stated that former Superintendent Polito’s comments were absolutely not a representation of the School Board’s opinion of the “funny looking, weird smelling, semi-literate students,” within the Erie School system.

That unnamed official was then roughed-up and forcibly removed. “There’s something crazy in those little bastards eyes,” he was heard to yell as he was dragged away.

“Such comments could be damaging to self-esteem of our students,” a second unnamed official said, “luckily those comments should only appear in the newspaper, so those little crazy-eyed bastards are never going to see it.”

illiterate, idiotprufs

This Erie School System student also mispelled the word irony.

Posted in erie, funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
23 Jul 2019
2 Comments

Walmart: Half Eaten Cakes and Jackbooted Thugs

Walmart: home of the jackbooted thug.

I recently happened upon a news story about a woman being banned from a Walmart in Wichita Falls, Texas, because she ate half a cake and refused to pay for the uneaten part.

How dare those totalitarian jackbooted thugs at Walmart.

Who hasn’t felt a little peckish and decided to pop into a Walmart to eat half a cake?

I myself once stopped into a Walmart, wolfed down half a bag of frozen chimichangas, and then stopped by a Lowes to take a crap in one of their display toilets.

Now, I will gladly pay for the chimichangas, but I’m not forking over a single red cent for that toilet; if a toilet doesn’t flush, there should be signage clearly stating so.

Nor will I heed the counsel from my good-for-nothing, parasitic, money-sucking, lawyer who thinks I should pay for the toilet.

Note: I know what you’re thinking: the phrase good-for-nothing, parasitic, money-sucking, lawyer is rife with redundancy. It is indeed.

I’m not allowed in Lowes anymore, but that’s mostly because it’s outside the range of my ankle tether (unrelated issue.)

Listen Walmart, people are going to come into your store hungry. If you leave cake right out in the open, it’s going to be eaten. If a person came into your establishment naked, would you not expect them to take garments from the rack and clothe themselves? I would think you would want them to do so. I would think you would encourage it.

So lay off on all the jackbootedness, people of Walmart.

Whether it’s cake, half a bag of frozen chimichangas, or a two liter bottle of root beer, (it takes an entire two liter bottle of root beer to wash down half a bag of frozen chimichangas) just learn to let things go.

Final Note: why did I eat half a bag of chimichangas still frozen? Because the microwaves are all the way on the other side of the store and they’re not even plugged in. You’ve got a lot of issues to deal with, Walmart.

Sure, she’s all smiles now, but take a crap in one toilet and she gets all crazy with accusation.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
13 Jul 2019
11 Comments

Man Jailed After Destructive Tirade

monkey North East PA

Monkey shocked by recent events.

North East, Pennsylvania–In a bizarre story involving a construction site, a mischievous monkey, and a bulldozer; a man was taken into custody following a destructive tirade.

It seems the man, who was traveling with the monkey, had stopped at a local market to pick up a few things. While he was inside, the monkey made his way across the street and onto a construction site where he found an idling bulldozer.

“I look up and I see the bulldozer tearing across the lot,” said Dirk, one of the construction workers who witnessed the incident. “I thought that Earl had lost his mind, but then I look and I see this freakin’ monkey, and he’s driving the bulldozer. We always joke with Earl that a monkey could drive a bulldozer…I guess we were right.”

According to Dirk, the monkey swerved around the lot before making a beeline toward the Porta-Johns. “Guys were jumping up and down and waving the monkey away from the Porta-Johns…the monkey just waved back. The bulldozer hit those Porta-Johns, and they went flying through the air. They hit the ground and blew into pieces; they really aren’t made for that type of thing. It’s a good thing no one was in them…except for Earl that is.”

“Yeah that’s right,” another witness confirmed. “From out of the Porta-John rubble climbs Earl, covered with crap, literally.”

According to witnesses, it was at this point the man in question arrived.

“This guy dressed in a yellow suit comes running across the lot and screaming at the monkey. I mean, from head to toe everything he’s got on is yellow–that’s weird isn’t it?” Dirk commented.

Everyone agreed that it was a little weird.

“So now the guy is chasing the monkey on the bulldozer. He’s trying to grab the monkey but the monkey won’t let him. Each time the guy gets close, the monkey hurls crap at him. The monkey is steering with one hand and hurling crap with the other. He really puts Earl to shame…driving a bulldozer I mean–not hurling crap.  Anyway, the guy in yellow is ducking and dodging the monkey crap, and he’s really quick, like he’s done this before. But then, he catches one square in the forehead. The guy just stops dead in his tracks, he gets this crazy look in his eyes and he starts screaming: ‘that’s it, that’s the limit.'”

Many of the witnesses told the authorities they had never seen a man with such a wild look in his eyes.

“I guess the monkey could tell he was in trouble, because it jumps off the bulldozer and tears off. Then the man in yellow hat gets on the bulldozer, and now he’s chasing the monkey. He’s smashing through walls and knocking things over, the monkey’s scrambling around with the bulldozer right on his tail. The monkey climbs over a pick-up truck to get away, but the man just plows into the truck, and the truck flips over. Earl’s screaming and running over there because it’s his truck.”

The police arrived on the scene shortly afterward.

“I just couldn’t take it anymore,” the man in yellow told police as they took him away. “He just keeps getting into more and more trouble, and it’s really pissing me off.”

Animal control came and retrieved the monkey, but not before the monkey stole their tranquilizer gun, climbed a pole, and put four rounds in Earl’s buttocks.

It was not a good day for Earl.

When asked to comment, Earl said only, “F******  monkey.”

“I heard the man in yellow refer to the monkey as George,” Dirk said reflectively. “That monkey sure was a curious little thing.”

porta-john

Pre-monkey Porta-Johns.

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, inspirational and tagged , , , , , , ,
08 Jul 2019
3 Comments

Frontier Park Slide Too Costly, Catapult to be Added Instead

Staff Reporter's avatargooferie

With the lone bid for a proposed slide at Frontier Park coming in over budget, officials at the nonprofit group L.E.A.F. have changed plans, and will now build a catapult that will transport visitors from one end of the park to another.

According to spokesperson Bobby “Bo” Tannicle, the catapult will actually be an improvement over the slide. “The slide would have only taken people 40 feet. With the catapult, we can send people over 100 feet, and can land them in various sections of the park.”

Tannicle added, “Since safety of park visitors is a concern, those using the catapult will be required to wear a helmet.”

L.E.A.F. officials are currently checking out front lawns on the lower east side to gather used mattresses to cushion the landing zones.

View original post

Posted in erie, funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , ,
30 Jun 2019
21 Comments

It Doesn’t Meme a Thing

crazy girl meme

I’ve been seeing this meme crop up quite a bit recently, and it’s starting to bother me.

What are you really saying about yourself when you slap this on your Facebook page?

IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE MY HOME COOKED MEALS WHEN THEY’RE RIFE WITH SALMONELLA.

YOU DON’T DESERVE MY HOME COOKED MEALS WHEN THEY’RE NOT INDUCING PROJECTILE VOMIT.

OR

IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE MY PUBLIC MELTDOWN WHEN YOU DIDN’T IMMEDIATELY AGREE WITH ME WHEN I SAY OUR WAITRESS LOOKS LIKE A WHORE.

YOU DON’T DESRVE ME WHEN I’M NOT HURLING UTENSILS ACROSS A CROWDED RESTAURANT.

OR

IF YOU CAN’T HANLDE ME WHEN I’M STABBING YOU IN THE FACE WITH A BAYONET. 

YOU DON’T DESREVE ME WHEN I’M NOT STABBING YOU IN THE FACE WITH A BAYONET.

OR

I’M A PHYCHO!

woman crazy

“You don’t deserve me when I’m not trying to murder you in your sleep.”

 

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
17 Jun 2019

Amanda the Lizard: Another Fable

Fable

It was a pleasant summer day and Ned the tree frog was hopping across the forest floor on his way to the creek.

What a perfect day to spend at the creek, he thought to himself, but I hope there’s no lizards at the creek; I don’t care for lizards.

He happened upon Tobias the toad.

“How are things today,” Ned the tree frog asked of Tobias the toad.

“Things are well on this pleasant summer day,” Tobias the toad replied. “I’m on my to creek for this is a perfect day to spend at the creek.”

“That is just what I was thinking,” Ned the tree frog agreed.

“I just hope there’s no lizards there,” Tobias the toad added, “I don’t care for lizards.”

“You and I think so much alike,” Ned the tree frog exclaimed.

“It’s probably because we’re both amphibians,” Tobias the toad said.

And so they hopped together toward the creek.

As they reached the creek, they were horrified to find Amanda the lizard, basking in the sun in the disgusting way that lizards do.

“Please don’t eat us,” Tobias the toad said to Amanda the lizard.

“Why would I do that,” Amanda the lizard responded quizzically.

“Lizards eat amphibians–that’s what lizards do,” Tobias the toad responded matter-of-factly.

“Don’t worry about that,” Amanda the Lizard told them, “I’ve had a change of lifestyle; I now self-identify as an amphibian…and besides, toads are disgusting.”

“What’s that supposed to mean,” Tobias the toad replied indignantly.

“Your skin is all leathery and covered with warts: it’s disgusting.”

“That’s a hurtful thing to say,” Tobias the toad said feeling very triggered.

“And you’re really sour–it’s quite off-putting.”

“It’s a defense mechanism,” Tobias the toad told her.

“Well, it works because I threw-up in my mouth a little bit just thinking about eating you,” Amanda the lizard continued.

“Okay we get it!” Tobias the toad yelled.

“Tree frogs on the other hand are tasty little morsels, but don’t worry I won’t eat you.” she assured Ned the tree frog.

Ned the tree frog, Tobias the toad tried to settle down to enjoy a pleasant summer day at the creek, but it was difficult.

Ned the tree frog was feeling uneasy about potentially being eaten and Tobias the toad was feeling insecure about his warty toad skin.

After a bit of time, Ron the tree frog came down from one of the trees. Ron the tree frog was widely known about the forest as a major ass-hat.

“Well, if it isn’t Ned the “supposed” tree frog,” Ron the tree frog said snidely.

“There’s nothing wrong with hanging out with toads,” Ned the tree frog said, “they’re amphibians too.”

“Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with it, if you want to get covered in warts and that weird toad smell.”

“It’s a defense mechanism!” Tobias the toad yelled.

“More like an offense mechanism because the smell is offensive,” Ron the tree frog said as he laughed.

“Why don’t you just leave us alone?” Ned the tree frog said dejectedly.

“Because I hate you,” Ron the tree frog said. “And another thing…”

With a lightning quick flick of her tongue and a few muted chomping sounds, Ron the tree frog had disappeared down Amanda the lizard’s throat.

“Holy crap!” Tobias the toad exclaimed to Amanda the lizard, “you just ate Ron the tree frog!”

“He was being an ass-hat,” Amanda the lizard said in defense.

So, the three of them settled down and enjoyed the rest of that pleasant summer day in peace, only interrupted once by Amanda the lizard regurgitating Ron the tree frogs undigested bones.

Moral

If you’re a tasty little morsel–don’t be an ass-hat.

“Don’t be an ass-hat.”

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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