If you’re like me, you were probably excited to hear an ancient sarcophagus had been found in Alexandria, Egypt. I mean, according to all the movies I’ve ever seen on the subject, this should introduce us to an ancient curse or a mummy zombie—hey, there’s a new category of TV shows for you—or maybe something […]
Officials are cautioning that the level of body odor in the air downtown will spike at a record or near record level this Friday. Dr. Meghan Ansell, a biologist at Gannon University, has been providing body odor air quality levels for various zones in Erie for the past five years. “We measure body odor in […]
via Downtown B.O. Levels Expected to Spike on Friday — gooferie
Smith’s Provisions, longtime purveyor of meat products for the Erie area, has announced that it is adding organic tofu to their list of products available for purchase. The tofu made its debut at the new Erie County Farms last week, prompting long time Smith’s customer Neil Osbourne to declare, “What the hell is THAT?” as […]
Memes save lives. 17-year-old Nate Masterson can attest to that. Though he stood outside death’s door for a while, he found the will to live all because of a meme. “I was lying in a coma. Not feeling anything. You know, comatose. And then, I just sensed something… wonderful. Something exquisite. Something GLORIOUS! All of […]
It happened last night, as it has before, on other Saturday nights. My wife and I had taken our seats at a nice restaurant, and the waiter asked if we’d like to order drinks. My wife asked for a glass of chardonnay–whichever was oakiest–and I ordered a malbec. “We have two,” the waiter said, as my wife […]
The following search engine terms cropped up on my stats page:
So it seems there is someone out there with a problem. I have few points to make. (And yes, I’m going to ignore the “sexy man riding a unicorn images” addition to this list, it horrifies me.)
However, after a great deal of soul-searching (watching several episodes of The Rockford Files on Netflix) I came to a conclusion: why shouldn’t I be able to help?
After doing exhaustive research, (mostly googling weird penis problems) conferring with a myriad of professionals, (friends who I thought would get a good chuckle out of weird penis problems) and pondering all the possibilities, I decided that I could be of assistance.
The Question:
Why does it look like my penis has bug bites on the bottom of it?
The Answer:
You have probably put your penis somewhere you shouldn’t have.
The Solution:
Stop doing that.
Life really is simple if you want it to be.
A mother’s effort to honor her young children went terribly wrong when the tattoo she got of her son’s name was spelled incorrectly — so she took what some might call an unusual approach. Fortunately her friends and family convinced her not to have her armed amputated, but instead to rename her son after the tattoo.
“Kevin,” the two-year-old son of Johanna Sandstrom, of Sweden, was renamed “Kelvin” after a tattoo artist inked the wrong name on her arm.
Sandstrom’s tattoo read: Nova & Kelvin which was clearly a mistake.
“I had never heard the name ‘Kelvin’ before,” she said. “There isn’t anyone who names their kid Kelvin; lots of people name their kids Fahrenheit or Celsius, but never Kelvin. So when I thought more about it, I realized that no one else has this name. It became unique. Now we think it is better than Kevin.”
It also seemed a lucky stroke for Sandstrom’s daughter, whose name was changed from Ass-faced Hag to Nova, following the erroneous tattoo.
When asked to explain the mistake, the Swedish tattoo artist simply said, “in my previous job I wrote the assembly instructions for Ikea products; I was bound to screw this up incomprehensibly.”
Sandstrom told the newspaper she’ll make sure to check “10,000 times” before she gets the name of her third child, Freja, tattooed.
“Or maybe I’ll just get a skull with a snake slithering through it’s eye socket,” she added, “it’s 50/50 right now.”
Pompeii man found to be luckiest man in the world to have ever lived.
via Luckiest man in Pompeii loses head as he wins the local big money lottery — Bull of the Board
Despite going on 77 dates in three years, long-time bachelor Tom Avery has yet to find a woman that meets his specifications. While his close friends suggest it might be helpful to eliminate a few of the requirements he has for his future wife, he maintains that all 52 of them are absolutely necessary. Since […]