idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the tag “fire”

09 Oct 2025

Leaping Lad Causes Fires

It seems a local lad named Jack has run afoul of the authorities by causing multiple conflagrations while attempting to leap over lit candlesticks.

After reporting to another blaze, in which he nearly burned down the home of a friend, the fire chief had had enough.

“He lit his own home on fire on multiple occasions,” the fire chief related. “In the first instance, there was minimal damage. The second time, there was slightly more damage than the first. The third time that he set his home on fire, a quick-thinking friend put the fire out. The fourth time, it was a complete loss; we had to drag him out of the house with his hair still smoking.”

After that, he moved into a friend’s house, the same friend who had helped him previously, and whose house he immediately set on fire. He would end up living in a shack, which he promptly burned down. Now he lives in the woods; the forestry service is very concerned.

Despite the authorities’ best efforts, Jack has continued to be a problem.

“We have forbidden him from purchasing candles, owning candles, lighting candles, and jumping over said candles. We have also forbidden him from purchasing matches, disposable lighters, Zippo lighters, and those flint spark lighters that you have to squeeze repeatedly and are a pain in the ass to use, virtually anything that you can use to start a fire,” The local Constable told us disgustedly. “If we see him so much as rubbing two sticks together, we will arrest him.”

When pressed as to why he continues to attempt to leap over lit candles despite the calamity he’s been causing, Jack’s answer was simple. “Jumping over a lit candle is good luck.”

“Do you know what’s not good luck?” The Fire Chief responded, “Having to run into a blazing inferno; that’s what isn’t good luck.”

“How hard is it to jump over a candlestick? I mean, it’s not that tall.” The constable added in disbelief. “He is a fat little bastard.”

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
13 Jul 2021
2 Comments

You’re Not Really a Bad Person

snidley whiplash

“You can tell by my maniacal sneer that I’m a good guy.”

You’re not really a bad person.

Sure, you parked in front of that fire hydrant despite the big sign clearly indicating not to park in front of the fire hydrant, because of all the laws and such.

You couldn’t have possibly known that orphanage would catch on fire.

You did see some smoke coming from the building as you were parking, but you imagined a nice cozy fire burning in the fireplace…midday in the middle of August.

And while it seemed odd the smoke was emanating from a window and not a chimney, you’re not a chimney expert.

Besides, it wasn’t very much smoke…at first.

For all you knew, they were just electing a new orphan pope, you’re not an orphan pope expert.

And you’re all for freedom of religion, despite that time you punched that Jehovah’s Witness in the face. He rang the doorbell and got you out of bed and it was barely past noon. Besides, you’re not a freedom of religion expert.

And while you made the decision to argue with the firemen rather than allow them the unimpeded ability to aide the orphans who were now fleeing for their lives from a burning building, you’re not a firefighting expert.

Hey! Those firemen put a scratch on your car that isn’t going to buff out.

What’s the big deal anyway? They’re orphans–they’re used to hardship.

You probably shouldn’t have cursed at that nun, but it was a very intense situation and that crack she made about your future being filled with damnation and hellfire just seemed mean. She did seem to be a damnation and hellfire expert; she was quite longwinded about it.

No! You are not a bad person at all.

fire forest

Fires make everything nice and toasty warm.

Posted in erie, funny, health, Humor, inspirational and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
29 Nov 2018
6 Comments

Exploding Vacuum Cleaners and the Great Carpet Fire

It’s happened to everyone hasn’t it? Throughout the course of your life at some point or another, you are going to set somebody’s carpet on fire.

Accidents happen. Things explode. Things catch on fire–it’s inevitable really.

It shouldn’t be a big deal.

But evidently it is a big deal to some people.

It’s a big deal to people who have no sense of humor.

It’s a big deal to people who have a tendency to be ill-tempered.

It’s a big deal to people who have a tendency to say angry hurtful things.

It’s a big deal to people who have no sense of humor, a tendency to be ill-tempered, and to say angry hurtful things.

It’s a big deal to people who have high-pitched, squeaky, cartoon-rodent voices.

It’s a big deal.

There were valuable lessons learned the day of the exploding vacuüm cleaner and the great carpet fire:

  • The average household vacuüm cleaner was not designed to pick up paperclips.
  • Attempting to pick up paperclips with an average household vacuüm cleaner might cause it to explode.
  • When the vacuüm cleaner you’re using begins to make a high-pitched whining sound, don’t ignore it.
  • When the high-pitched whining sound starts making the neighbors dog bark, don’t ignore it
  • If you’re thinking to yourself, this thing sounds like it’s about to explode, it probably is.
  • An exploding vacuüm cleaner sends a thick cloud of smoke and dust into the air like a mini-volcano.
  • Commenting to the vacuüm cleaner’s owner that it looked really cool when it exploded, like a mini-volcano, does not help the situation.
  • An exploding vacuüm cleaner creates an enormous mess while simultaneously removing your ability to clean up that enormous mess.
  • An exploding vacuüm cleaner might also burst into flames.
  • A burning vacuüm cleaner will probably set the carpet on fire.
  • A carpet fire will probably set off the smoke alarm.
  • Smoke alarms are obnoxiously loud.
  • A blaring smoke alarm will bring the vacuüm cleaners owner running into the room.
  • A contentious conversation might result with the squeaky-voiced owner of the vacuüm cleaner.

Squeaky-voiced Owner: Why is my smoke alarm going off?

Fire-starter: Probably because of all the smoke in the room.

Squeaky-voiced Owner: Why is the room full of smoke?

Fire-starter: It probably came from the carpet fire.

Squeaky-voiced Owner: Why is the carpet on fire?

Fire-starter: It must have spread from the vacuüm cleaner.

Squeaky-voiced Owner: Why is the vacuüm cleaner on fire?

Fire-starter: It caught on fire after it exploded.

Squeaky-voiced Owner: Why did it exploded?

Fire-starter: Act of God?

Squeaky-voiced Owner: It sounds more the act of an idiot.

Fire-Starter: I turned it on and it just burst into flames.

Squeaky-voiced Owner: It just burst into flames?

Fire-starter: Crazy isn’t it? There should be a clearly defined label that reads: Warning, use may cause detonation.

Squeaky-voiced owner: You must think I’m the biggest moron on the face of the planet.

Fire-starter: Not the whole planet.

Squeaky-voiced owner: (Silent staring, and in a really creepy frightening way.)

Fire-starter: You know, if you cleaned more often, I wouldn’t have to…

Squeaky-voiced owner: (Censored for filth and because it was really hurtful.)

Fire-starter: That’s not a real word, and a human isn’t physically capable of doing it.

Squeaky-voiced owner: Let’s find out.

 

There was one more important lesson learned: the phrase “some day we’ll look back at this and laugh” does not always apply.

You think this is scary? Just let me near your vacuum cleaner.

Drew Barrymore gets it.

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
18 May 2018
6 Comments

Burning Down the House

House on fire

So I recently stumbled across a news story that detailed how a man in Holland Township, Michigan, accidentally set fire to his apartment.  The fire spread and destroyed eight other apartments in his building and damaged two dozen other units.

When he set fire to his apartment, he was doing something that some might describe as ill-advised. Others would say it was foolish. But to most of us, it was an act of downright stupidity.

What was it that he was doing when he set fire to his apartment?

The following is a list of possible things the man in Michigan was doing when he started the fire.

Which one do you think is the real story?

  1. After hearing for years that you shouldn’t microwave metal–he wanted to find out why.
  2. After having trouble getting a fire started in the fireplace, he thought that a generous amount of gasoline would aide the proceedings.
  3. His friends refused to believe that he could spit Bacardi 151 and light it on fire. He simultaneously proved his friends wrong, and relieved them of their eyebrows.

    alcohol fire

    “Stand closer–what could possibly go wrong?”

  4. In an experiment to find out exactly how fire-retardant his new camping gear was, he doused it with kerosene lit it on fire. It wasn’t nearly as fire-retardant as he had hoped.
  5. Feeling a little peckish and having developed a sudden craving for squirrel, he attempted to burn the fur off a squirrel with a propane torch, in preparation to cook it. He inadvertently sets fire to the deck of his apartment.
  6. He attempted to make a homemade explosive device. If Michael Westen’s character on the television show Burn Notice can do it, how hard can it be? He was successful…in some regards.burning down the house
  7. Baked Alaska is fun in the restaurant when done by a professional chef. Not as much fun when done at home by an oaf.
  8. While trying to contain the Baked Alaska debacle, he discovered to his dismay, the words inflammable and flammable stupidly mean exactly the same thing.idiotprufs
  9. A “scientific” experiment, designed to find out if he could melt glass on his stove fails. He does however melt a great many things that day.
  10. Despite the explicit warning from the guys on Mythbusters, he tried it at home anyway.idiotprufs
  11. Hoping to enhance the effectiveness of bug spray on a wasp’s nest, he decided to light the spray on fire. It worked: the nest was destroyed, along with half his apartment building.

    “I can’t believe that didn’t work.”

  12. He’s just a huge Talking Heads fan.burning down the house

So what do you think?

If you don’t feel like guessing, here’s the story: nbcnews.com.

 

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
10 Jan 2018
2 Comments

Eyebrows Count

big eye browsIn my last post I suggested it unwise, on a first date, to spend an inordinate amount of time bragging about how many times you’ve accidentally set yourself on fire.

Allow me to clarify: a first date isn’t the only time it’s unwise to brag about how many times you’ve accidentally set yourself on fire.

I could provide a lengthy list of times and places it’s unwise to brag about how many times you’ve accidentally set yourself on fire. Allow me to condense it to this: don’t at any time or in any setting, brag about how many times you’ve accidentally set yourself on fire.

One example: Don’t brag about how many times you’ve accidentally set yourself on fire during your job interview at the propane store…just don’t.

If you’re reading this and thinking that this is all perfectly obvious and doesn’t need to be said; I have one thought to convey to you: you don’t know the same people I know. (And count yourself lucky.)

And this includes bragging about accidentally setting other people on fire…that’s just rude.

Buildings too–structure fires are very dangerous.

One final point of clarification: bragging about how many times you’ve accidentally burned off your eyebrows counts as bragging about accidentally setting yourself on fire.

I’m tired of hearing you brag that you’ve burned off your facial hair so many times you longer have to shave.

I hope this bit of clarification has been helpful.

Addendum:

If you’re that person who is trying to start a fire and you think to yourself: two or three gallons of gasoline ought to do the trick. Just go ahead and step away.

gasoline can

At least to two or three gallons should do it.

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs and tagged , , , , , , , ,
01 Aug 2017
4 Comments

Up in Smoke

This blog is veritable cornucopia of useful information.

In a previous post entitled: Just a Few Idiotprufs, the following passage appeared.

Don’t try to remove a hornet’s nest from your garage by burning it out; you will wind up with half a garage and a hornet’s nest.

If Mike Tingley of Grand Blanc Township, Michigan, had read that blog post maybe this wouldn’t have happened:

garage fire

“That’ll take care of those bees.”

“The homeowner was doing something with a smoke bomb trying to get a bees nest out of the garage,” said Grand Blanc Fire Chief, Bob Burdette.

Mr. Tingley, while upset his garage has burned to the ground, is happy the bees are gone.

Mr. Tingley’s neighbor, whose garage is now the home for the bees in question and whose own house suffered a great deal of smoke damage, had the following to say about the incident: Mike’s always been a #$@$%@# idiot.

“We’ll be staying on high alert,” Fire Chief Burdette commented. “Evidently Mr. Tingley has 20 gallons of gasoline, a blowtorch, and a plan for getting rid of the carpenter ants infesting his front porch.”

The Fire Chief then paused for a moment before adding, “I certainly hope none of his children ever contract head lice.”

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , ,
10 Feb 2015
22 Comments

Are Sea-Monkeys Better Than Your Family?

Sea-Monkey family

What a lovely family.

It’s the question people have been asking themselves for ages: are Sea-Monkeys better than my family?

Don’t be ridiculous, of course Sea-Monkeys are better than your family.

Sea-Monkeys aren’t constantly shoving pictures of their potato-faced baby in your face, forcing you to lie about how cute their potato-faced baby is.

(Their baby isn’t cute: it has a potato face.)

Sea-Monkeys don’t get angry when you use the phrase “potato-faced” to describe their baby.

Note: turnip-faced doesn’t seem to be any more agreeable than potato-faced. Your family appears to have a bizarre bias against root vegetables that Sea-Monkeys don’t possess.

Sea-Monkeys don’t show up to family picnics all liquored-up on Coors Light, and vomit into your aunt’s potato salad.

Sea-Monkeys don’t get all pissy when you comment that your aunt’s potato salad was destined to be involved with vomit related incident at some point before the day was over.

Unlike your aunt, Sea-Monkeys aren’t overly sensitive about their disgusting potato salad and chunky hippo thighs.

Unlike your family, Sea-Monkeys tend to be very fit. It’s probably all the swimming they do, coupled with their general reluctance to shovel fatty foods into their fat gaping yaps.

Unlike your in-laws, Sea-Monkeys don’t sit around at family functions, guzzling Wild Turkey and openly lamenting their obviously questionable life choices.

Sea-monkeys don’t drink bourbon at all.

Unlike your brat cousin, Sea-Monkeys don’t scream at the top of their lungs until your aunt fills her face full of candy.

Sea-Monkeys understand that shoving sugar into an already intolerably loud and manic child, is the last thing you should do.

As brine shrimp, Sea-Monkeys are bottom feeders.

(Sorry, that last entry is from the list of how Sea-Monkeys are exactly like your family.)

Sea-Monkeys never set fire to their face.

Note: to be fair, it is difficult to start a fire inside a bowl of water. Still, your bone-head uncle could do it, and burn off his eyebrows in the process.

Unlike your aunts, Sea-Monkeys aren’t a gaggle of cackling hags who put curses on their nieces and nephews; Sea-Monkeys rarely dabble in the black arts.

Sea-Monkeys don’t disgust you.

Sea-Monkeys aren’t reading this blog and becoming enraged.

Sea-Monkeys have a far better sense of humor than your family.

And Finally…

When you refer to someone as a “miserable squinty-eyed back stabbing rat-bastard” you’re almost never talking about a Sea-Monkey.

sea monkey

You must admit, this Sea-Monkey is the spitting image of one of your aunts.

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, lists and tagged , , , , , , , ,

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