Are Sea-Monkeys Better Than Your Family?
It’s the question people have been asking themselves for ages: are Sea-Monkeys better than my family?
Don’t be ridiculous, of course Sea-Monkeys are better than your family.
Sea-Monkeys aren’t constantly shoving pictures of their potato-faced baby at you; forcing you to lie about how cute their potato-faced baby is.
Sea-Monkeys don’t get angry when you use the phrase “potato-faced” to describe their baby.
Note: turnip-faced doesn’t seem to be any more agreeable than potato-faced. Your family appears to have a bizarre bias against root vegetables that Sea-Monkeys don’t possess.
Sea-Monkeys don’t show up to family picnic all liquored-up on Genny Cream Ale, and vomit into your aunt’s potato salad.
Sea-Monkeys don’t get all pissy when you comment that your aunt’s potato salad was bound to be involved with vomit at some point before the day was over.
Unlike your aunt, Sea-Monkeys aren’t overly sensitive about their chunky hippo thighs.
Unlike your family, Sea-Monkeys tend to be very fit. It’s probably all the swimming they do, coupled with their general reluctance to shovel fatty foods into their fat gaping yaps.
Sea-Monkeys don’t sit around all day guzzling Coors Light then drive their small children around in a drunken stupor.
Sea-monkeys don’t drink light beer at all.
Unlike your cousin, Sea-Monkeys don’t need to be told not to dump mustard in the fish tank.
Note: to a Sea-Monkey, mustard in the fish tank is less of a condiment and more of a toxic spill.
As brine shrimp, Sea-Monkeys are bottom feeders.
(Sorry, that last entry is from the list of how Sea-Monkeys are exactly like your family.)
Sea-Monkeys never set fire to their home…again.
Note: to be fair, it is difficult to start a fire inside a bowl of water. Still, your bone-head uncle could do it, and burn off his eyebrows in the process.
Unlike your aunts, Sea-Monkeys aren’t a gaggle of cackling hags who put curses on their nieces and nephews.
Sea-Monkeys rarely dabble in the black arts.
Sea-Monkeys don’t dispose of rancid broccoli by it flushing down the toilet. Sea-Monkeys know that flushing a bowl of broccoli down the toilet will clog the pipes. Sea-Monkeys aren’t as a stupid as your tiny brained uncle.
Sea-Monkeys aren’t reading this blog and becoming enraged.
Sea-Monkeys have a far better sense of humor than your family. (They’re just smarter in general.)
When you refer to someone as a “miserable squinty-eyed back stabbing rat-bastard” you’re almost never talking about a Sea-Monkey.