Are Sea-Monkeys Better Than Your Family?
It’s the question people have been asking themselves for ages: are Sea-Monkeys better than my family?
Don’t be ridiculous, of course Sea-Monkeys are better than your family.
Sea-Monkeys aren’t constantly shoving pictures of their potato-faced baby in your face, forcing you to lie about how cute their potato-faced baby is.
(Their baby isn’t cute: it has a potato face.)
Sea-Monkeys don’t get angry when you use the phrase “potato-faced” to describe their baby.
Note: turnip-faced doesn’t seem to be any more agreeable than potato-faced. Your family appears to have a bizarre bias against root vegetables that Sea-Monkeys don’t possess.
Sea-Monkeys don’t show up to family picnics all liquored-up on Coors Light, and vomit into your aunt’s potato salad.
Sea-Monkeys don’t get all pissy when you comment that your aunt’s potato salad was destined to be involved with vomit related incident at some point before the day was over.
Unlike your aunt, Sea-Monkeys aren’t overly sensitive about their disgusting potato salad and chunky hippo thighs.
Unlike your family, Sea-Monkeys tend to be very fit. It’s probably all the swimming they do, coupled with their general reluctance to shovel fatty foods into their fat gaping yaps.
Unlike your in-laws, Sea-Monkeys don’t sit around at family functions, guzzling Wild Turkey and openly lamenting their obviously questionable life choices.
Sea-monkeys don’t drink bourbon at all.
Unlike your brat cousin, Sea-Monkeys don’t scream at the top of their lungs until your aunt fills her face full of candy.
Sea-Monkeys understand that shoving sugar into an already intolerably loud and manic child, is the last thing you should do.
As brine shrimp, Sea-Monkeys are bottom feeders.
(Sorry, that last entry is from the list of how Sea-Monkeys are exactly like your family.)
Sea-Monkeys never set fire to their face.
Note: to be fair, it is difficult to start a fire inside a bowl of water. Still, your bone-head uncle could do it, and burn off his eyebrows in the process.
Unlike your aunts, Sea-Monkeys aren’t a gaggle of cackling hags who put curses on their nieces and nephews; Sea-Monkeys rarely dabble in the black arts.
Sea-Monkeys don’t disgust you.
Sea-Monkeys aren’t reading this blog and becoming enraged.
Sea-Monkeys have a far better sense of humor than your family.
When you refer to someone as a “miserable squinty-eyed back stabbing rat-bastard” you’re almost never talking about a Sea-Monkey.