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Are Sea-Monkeys Better Than Your Family?

Sea-Monkey family

What a lovely family.

It’s the question people have been asking themselves for ages: are Sea-Monkeys better than my family?

Don’t be ridiculous, of course Sea-Monkeys are better than your family.

Sea-Monkeys aren’t constantly shoving pictures of their potato-faced baby in your face, forcing you to lie about how cute their potato-faced baby is.

(Their baby isn’t cute: it has a potato face.)

Sea-Monkeys don’t get angry when you use the phrase “potato-faced” to describe their baby.

Note: turnip-faced doesn’t seem to be any more agreeable than potato-faced. Your family appears to have a bizarre bias against root vegetables that Sea-Monkeys don’t possess.

Sea-Monkeys don’t show up to family picnics all liquored-up on Coors Light, and vomit into your aunt’s potato salad.

Sea-Monkeys don’t get all pissy when you comment that your aunt’s potato salad was destined to be involved with vomit related incident at some point before the day was over.

Unlike your aunt, Sea-Monkeys aren’t overly sensitive about their disgusting potato salad and chunky hippo thighs.

Unlike your family, Sea-Monkeys tend to be very fit. It’s probably all the swimming they do, coupled with their general reluctance to shovel fatty foods into their fat gaping yaps.

Unlike your in-laws, Sea-Monkeys don’t sit around at family functions, guzzling Wild Turkey and openly lamenting their obviously questionable life choices.

Sea-monkeys don’t drink bourbon at all.

Unlike your brat cousin, Sea-Monkeys don’t scream at the top of their lungs until your aunt fills her face full of candy.

Sea-Monkeys understand that shoving sugar into an already intolerably loud and manic child, is the last thing you should do.

As brine shrimp, Sea-Monkeys are bottom feeders.

(Sorry, that last entry is from the list of how Sea-Monkeys are exactly like your family.)

Sea-Monkeys never set fire to their face.

Note: to be fair, it is difficult to start a fire inside a bowl of water. Still, your bone-head uncle could do it, and burn off his eyebrows in the process.

Unlike your aunts, Sea-Monkeys aren’t a gaggle of cackling hags who put curses on their nieces and nephews; Sea-Monkeys rarely dabble in the black arts.

Sea-Monkeys don’t disgust you.

Sea-Monkeys aren’t reading this blog and becoming enraged.

Sea-Monkeys have a far better sense of humor than your family.

And Finally…

When you refer to someone as a “miserable squinty-eyed back stabbing rat-bastard” you’re almost never talking about a Sea-Monkey.

sea monkey

You must admit, this Sea-Monkey is the spitting image of one of your aunts.

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22 thoughts on “Are Sea-Monkeys Better Than Your Family?

  1. Hey, thanks for the mention! I’m proud of my status as muckraker, but I can’t divulge the identity of my source for the dredging permits. Let’s just say I have contacts high up in the sea-monkey world.


  2. What are your thoughts on cement bricks as replacements for family members? Or failing that as suitable weight to hold the recently deceased drug dealers that a certain member of family insists on bringing round often even though she’s not sleeping with them, honest, at the bottom of the local river?

    Wow. That was a bit wordy.


  3. And sea monkeys look cute swimming around – – I know – I’ve caught quite a few wirth my paw…(not very tasty)!😸


  4. ” it is difficult to start a fire inside a bowl of water” Only if you do not have access to either
    A a swimming candle
    B phosphor or
    C gas …


  5. And sea monkeys wouldn’t continuously require new clothes because they continue to grow and grow like a 14-year-old son. Or suddenly discover that J Crew is much nicer than Target when it comes to clothes…


  6. I’m so glad you didn’t monkey around with this post.


  7. Mustard in the fish tank. That’s quite a vision. That’s a really bad mix. Funny post.


  8. LOL, great post! I was actually just contemplating sea monkeys and longing to replace my extended family with them. You are quite right, it is not even a question anymore. Sea monkeys are clearly an improvement over extended family.

    Liked by 1 person

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