Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

People Suck

Hugh Laurie

I know what you’re thinking: that statement is too broad.

Fine, I will amend it.

Human people suck.

Again too broad?

Some human people suck (although it’s only some, it seems I have contact with most of them).

People are lying, cheating, slandering, backstabbing, thieving, manipulative, reprobates. And those are just my aunts and uncles.

Note: some have wondered if the tales of my aunts and uncles are true, or if they are just for comedic effect. Firstly, any humor in this blog is purely accidental and not a product of my feeble mind. Secondly, some of the things I’ve written in this blog are in fact exaggerations. The following excerpt from a previous post would be an example:

The Stephen King classic, Cujo, was based on my aunt. While she’s not as hairy as the titular character, she does drool considerably more. You might think that’s mean, but you don’t know her.

Obviously Cujo was not based on my aunt. It was Pennywise the Dancing Clown from It who was based on her. My aunt wears more make-up than Pennywise, and she is slightly more evil, but otherwise the characterization was spot-on.

But seriously, about my aunts and uncles: I hate them.

Clown from It.

A picture of my aunt…or is it a picture of Pennywise, it’s virtually impossible to tell them apart.

Anyway, there are myriad reasons why people suck:

  • They are my aunts.
  • They are my uncles.
  • They are murderers.
  • They are racist.
  • They drive slowly in the fast lane.
  • They are racists who drive slowly in the fast lane.
  • They are philanderers.
  • They are philanthropists.
  • Wait, philanthropy is a good thing…unless you’re giving your money to a bad cause, like The Society For Clubbing Baby Seals.
  • They are people who club baby seals, or support the activity through generous donations.
  • They are people who club Seal the singer.
  • They are people who club Seal the singer with baby seals.
  • They are people who get into the 10 items or less line with more than 10 items.
  • They are people who use the word less when the word fewer is correct.
  • They are Justin Bieber.
  • They are Justin Bieber getting into the 10 items or less line with more than 10 items, while wildly swinging a baby seal.
  • They are arsonists.
  • They are people who park in front of fire hydrants.
  • They are people who park in front of fire hydrants while their arsonist friends set fires.
  • They are people who have arsonist friends.
  • They are people who take pleasure in seeing bad things happen to other people (unless the bad thing is happening to Justin Bieber).
  • They are people who become mimes (mimes are so smug).
  • They are people who are extortionists.
  • They are people who are contortionists (it’s super creepy how bendy they are).
  • They are whoever was responsible for The Jersey Shore.
  • They are people who say “lol” out loud.
  • They are murderers.
  • They are felons.
  • They are terrorists.
  • But possibly the most heinous people of all: they are double dippers.
George double dip

Seriously, it’s like you’re putting your whole mouth in the bowl, George.


If Seal got into a fight with Justin Bieber, who do think would win?

Yeah, it’d be Seal.


“I’m coming for you Bieber.”


The most punchable face ever. He’s almost mime-smug.


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21 thoughts on “People Suck

  1. wow, I hope it’s not genetic!


  2. You forgot the people who hang around Justin Bieber, and the stupid people who gave birth to Bieber, and the people who let Bieber out of Canada………..but we Canadians are Great and I am sorry for all I just said!…..NOT !!


  3. OMG! I think I made a terrible mistake! I have donated money to the Society for Clubbing Baby Seals, because I assumed that it was a charity to allow the baby seals who see nothing but the cold sea and hards rocks to go out to the best nightclubs!


  4. Why all the Bieber hate? I don’t get it … Ok, he is a bad singer. Ok, he is conceited. Ok, he is irresponsible. Ok, he is a conceited, irresponsible bad singer.
    But is that reason enough to wish him dead? Because dead he would be if he was to “fight” Seal – not that Seal would win from that – he would be sued by some racist Bieber fans for murder. And since he has got more of a tan than I have he would be judged by a jury full of your racist, Bieber-worshipping relatives and the verdict would therefore be “Guilty”.


  5. I’m taking a number to slap Justin Bieber’s face.


  6. Should you ever arrange a fight between Seal and Justin Beiber please be assured that I would pay good money to buy a seat – even with the sure and certain knowledge that the fight would last less than thirty seconds.


  7. The ‘Society for Clubbing Seal with Justin Beiber’ would be a philanthropy I could get behind… with very, very, generous donations.


  8. Lol great! Although perhaps not for your Aunts and Uncles lol


  9. Does someone need some anger management classes?… ๐Ÿ˜‰


  10. Ha! Well said ๐Ÿ˜‰


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