I know what you’re thinking: that statement is too broad.
Fine, I will amend it.
Human people suck.
Again too broad?
Some human people suck (although it’s only some, it seems I have contact with most of them).
People are lying, cheating, slandering, backstabbing, thieving, manipulative, reprobates. And those are just my aunts and uncles.
Note: some have wondered if the tales of my aunts and uncles are true, or if they are just for comedic effect. Firstly, any humor in this blog is purely accidental and not a product of my feeble mind. Secondly, some of the things I’ve written in this blog are in fact exaggerations. The following excerpt from a previous post would be an example:
The Stephen King classic, Cujo, was based on my aunt. While she’s not as hairy as the titular character, she does drool considerably more. You might think that’s mean, but you don’t know her.
Obviously Cujo was not based on my aunt. It was Pennywise the Dancing Clown from It who was based on her. My aunt wears more make-up than Pennywise, and she is slightly more evil, but otherwise the characterization was spot-on.
But seriously, about my aunts and uncles: I hate them.
Anyway, there are myriad reasons why people suck:
- They are my aunts.
- They are my uncles.
- They are murderers.
- They are racist.
- They drive slowly in the fast lane.
- They are racists who drive slowly in the fast lane.
- They are philanderers.
- They are philanthropists.
- Wait, philanthropy is a good thing…unless you’re giving your money to a bad cause, like The Society For Clubbing Baby Seals.
- They are people who club baby seals, or support the activity through generous donations.
- They are people who club Seal the singer.
- They are people who club Seal the singer with baby seals.
- They are people who get into the 10 items or less line with more than 10 items.
- They are people who use the word less when the word fewer is correct.
- They are Justin Bieber.
- They are Justin Bieber getting into the 10 items or less line with more than 10 items, while wildly swinging a baby seal.
- They are arsonists.
- They are people who park in front of fire hydrants.
- They are people who park in front of fire hydrants while their arsonist friends set fires.
- They are people who have arsonist friends.
- They are people who take pleasure in seeing bad things happen to other people (unless the bad thing is happening to Justin Bieber).
- They are people who become mimes (mimes are so smug).
- They are people who are extortionists.
- They are people who are contortionists (it’s super creepy how bendy they are).
- They are whoever was responsible for The Jersey Shore.
- They are people who say “lol” out loud.
- They are murderers.
- They are felons.
- They are terrorists.
- But possibly the most heinous people of all: they are double dippers.
If Seal got into a fight with Justin Bieber, who do think would win?
Yeah, it’d be Seal.