On March 15, 44 BC. Julius Caesar was stabbed to death in the Theatre of Pompey at a meeting of the senate by as many as 60 conspirators.
Note: The Theatre of Pompey was showing the remake of Footloose at the time. It was the second most disappointing part of Caesar’s day.
Upon realizing one the conspirators was his friend Brutus, he uttered the now infamous Phrase, “Et tu Bluto.”
It was at that point Brutus became enraged and screamed, “Bluto is the character from the Popeye cartoons you imbecile; my name is Brutus. How many times do I have to tell you that?” Brutus then he stabbed Caesar repeatedly.
Historians will tell you Julius Caesar’s assassination was politically motivated and the result of rising tensions between Caesar and the Senate. Historians will also tell you several Senators feared Caesar would overthrow the Senate in favor of tyranny. Historians are always blathering on about something in the past.
Well, historians are full of it.
I know the real story: everyone was just sick of Caesar forcing them to put anchovies on their salads.–anchovies are gross.
Final Note: the word assassination has the word ass in it twice. That amuses me more than it should.
Prepare yourself for a shock–there is an impending clown shortage.
It is not possible for me to over-exaggerate the gravity of this situation.
Note: I’m sorry, if you’ve read this blog in the past, you know that over-exaggerating the gravity of the situation is exactly what I’m about to do and I going to do it wildly.
Evidently, the desire to dress-up in outlandish clothing, slather on huge amounts of make-up, and go out into public and behave in a ridiculous and childish manner, has fallen out of vogue since Jersey Shore went off the air.
“What’s happening is attrition,” said Glen Kohlberger, Clowns of America International President. He then honked his nose like a bicycle horn and hit the reporter in the face with a pie. “The older clowns are passing away and today’s youth just doesn’t want to smell like elephant crap,” he lamented.
The problems that will arise from the clown shortage are many:
Note: If you’re going to a birthday party for your child, get a monkey in a cowboy hat; you can never go wrong with a monkey in a cowboy hat.
Pantone 448 C, a “drab, dark brown” also called “opaque couché,” was specifically selected as the ugliest color in the world after three months and multiple studies by research agency GfK, an agency hired by the Australian government.
Aren’t Australians awesome?
Finding the world’s ugliest color was a more difficult task than one might think; the researchers at GfK spent months analyzing color swatches, questioning focus groups, and arguing bitterly over the pronunciation of the word mauve.
“We were at a complete impasse,” one of the researchers commented, “then one of the custodian came in to empty the garbage cans. He looked up at Ted, one of the other researchers, and he said, ‘nice tie, that’s the ugliest color I’ve ever seen. It reminds me: I forgot to scrub the toilets,’ then he turned and walked out of the room. After closely inspecting Ted’s tie, we had our consensus.”
So pantone 448 C, also called “opaque couche,” or in some circles “Ted’s shit-tie color,” became regarded as the ugliest color in the world.
What fueled the Australian government’s desire to identify the world’s ugliest color?
The meeting went something like this: well, we’ve put warning labels on the side of cigarette packs that warn of gingivitis, mouth sores, rotting teeth, mouth cancer, lung cancer, and bowel cancer. We’ve warned of death and penis shrinkage. We’ve put graphic photos of the victims of oral cancer with their jaws cut away and of amputated limbs on the cigarette packs and Australians are still smoking like a wet dingo on fire. What more can we do?
“I know.” came a voice from across the room, “let’s make the cigarette packs a really ugly color–that’ll stop them.” He then put a cigarette in his mouth and lit up.
And that’s how the world’s ugliest color was found.
Addendum: while it didn’t stop Australians from smoking it sent the sale of shit-colored ties through the roof.
Coconut makes me sick. If I bite into something with coconut in it, I will immediately begin to gag.
The mere smell of coconut makes me nauseous. In fact, anything coconut scented bothers me.
Am I telling you this because I’m a whiny little crybaby? A little bit, but I do have a point.
I was attempting to take a shower at my friend house.
Note: normally I don’t use real names in an effort to protect the innocent, but no one here is innocent.
I stood in his shower, surveying the menagerie of shampoo and hair conditioner bottles that littered the front of the tub. I had only one priority in choosing a shampoo: it mustn’t be coconut scented.
I spotted a small innocuous bottle of green shampoo set off to the side. Green shampoo is likely apple blossom scented, or green tea, possibly something herbal, but it certainly wouldn’t be coconut.
Without checking to see what it was, I confidently applied the shampoo to my hair and began to lather up.
The scent was odd, not at all what I expected. My scalp immediately began to tingle; it must be dandruff shampoo.
The tingling sensation transitioned to a burning sensation. The burning sensation spread to my eyes and nose, and there was a strange metallic taste in my mouth. It certainly wasn’t apple blossom.
As I started to rinse the shampoo from my hair, the burning intensified and it felt like I had gargled battery acid.
I grabbed the bottle to find out exactly what kind of poison I had been scrubbing into my scalp.
Flea and tick shampoo for dogs?
Are you kidding me?
The warning label instructed dog owners to wear gloves while applying the shampoo to their dogs, and to avoid making contact with skin.
Not only was the shampoo all over my skin, some of it had run down to the tender bits.
I grabbed a different bottle of shampoo, squeezed a copious amount into my hand, and began to aggressively slather it over my body.
A stark and sudden realization paralyzed me: coconut!
What insufferable madness is this?
The combination of pesticide and coconut made my stomach to flip like Nadia Comaneci in the 76 Olympics. I began to wretch like a cat hacking up a hairball; something Nadia Comaneci has probably never done.
It was horrible.
I was nauseous the remainder of the day, and everything I ate tasted like someone had sprayed Raid on it.
Lance would point out my hair to people and say, “doesn’t he have a healthy and shiny coat?” Then he would laugh hysterically.
Note: I told you no one was innocent.
“Don’t you read labels?” Lance’s girlfriend scolded.
“I sorry. I didn’t realize there would be a bottle of napalm in the shower,” I responded.
“Don’t be a baby,” she told me. “I use that shampoo on the dog all the time and he never complains.”
I thought this criticism to be unfair. The dog also humps your leg, licks himself in indiscreet places, and eats his poop. I do almost none of those things.
Through it all, at least I know I’m virtually parasite free.
Note: Don’t worry, Henry my tapeworm is fine and doing well.
Groundhog Day is a day when thousands of people gather in a small town in rural Pennsylvania to applaud a groundhog as a celebrity and a prognosticator, as they wait with bated breath for that groundhog to emerge from his hole and to notice or not notice his own shadow. It is a day of great pomp and circumstance.
The Other 364 days of the year
The other 364 days of the year, a groundhog is a giant rodent and poking its head from a hole would be cause for the same rural Pennsylvanians to reach for their 12-gauge.
“It was horrifying,” the victim said pausing to catch his breath, “it was probably the single most horrifying thing that’s ever happened to me.”
It seems Mr. Chadwick P. Arachnid was innocently spinning his web when a Miss Muffet began creating a disturbance.
“She was screaming hysterically and waving her arms around like a crazy person,” Mr. Arachnid said. “Then she threw a bowl at me. Now my web is filled with curds and whey; it’s completely ruined the dead flies I had stored there.”
Miss Muffet claims it was Mr. Arachnid who frightened her. “That ugly thing scared me so badly I fell off my tuffet,” Miss Muffet told us.
“I’m ugly?” Mr. Arachnid said in disgust. “I thought that screaming giant pink bulbous face of hers was the last thing I was I ever going see…and what the hell is a tuffet anyway?”
The authorities have cautioned Miss Muffet and Mr. Arachnid to keep their distance from each other.
“No one has to tell Little Miss Muffet to stay away from that awful thing,” Miss Muffet asserted.
“Did that gargantuan thing refer to herself as little,” Mr. Arachnid said in disbelief. “She should call herself Behemoth Miss Muffet.”
It took several officers to restrain Miss Muffet after she came after Mr. Arachnid with a rolled-up newspaper.
Mr. Arachnid survived the attack but is recuperating with three broken legs.
In a previous post, Bees and Calligraphy, I wrote the following about bees:
They make honey, that sweet nectar byproduct without which Pooh Bear would have never gotten his head caught in a honey pot, in that adorable image by A. A. Milne. If it weren’t for that image, I’d have nothing tattooed to my left butt cheek.
This revelation elicited a myriad of responses:
Note: Upon reflection, the thing about the pepper spray is probably an entirely unrelated matter.
But I have a confession to make: it’s all a horrible lie.
I don’t have a tattoo of Pooh Bear or any other beloved cartoon character on my left butt cheek. In fact, I haven’t any tattoo of any kind anywhere on my body.
I know what you’re thinking now: has everything I’ve read on this blog been nothing but falsehoods and mindless tripe. Allow me to clear the air regarding a few items that have appeared in this blog.
Now that this burden has been lifted from my conscience, the healing can begin.
I was recently asked what’s on my bucket list.
I informed the person I didn’t have that many buckets, and if I did, I certainly wouldn’t make a list of them. What am I: some kind of idiot?
I was informed that I am an idiot, and I clearly didn’t know what a bucket list was.
Note: it seems I was also confused about what a chamber pot is.
After having it explained to me what a bucket list is, and disturbingly what a chamber is, I got to work creating a bucket list.
An idiot’s Bucket List
Note: etymologists claim the word peninsula has no derivation from the word penis. I am skeptical–why are most peninsulas shaped like penises?
As always, these are all real search engine terms from my stats page, rewritten exactly the way I found them, followed by a quick comment from myself.
why does it look like my penis has bug bites on the bottom of it You put your penis somewhere you shouldn’t have.
how to get wifes feet to stink like cheese I found 36 different combinations with the words: wife, feet, stink and cheese. Thank you Freshly Pressed for making my blog a foot fetish destination.
sexy man riding a unicorn images The poster on my bedroom wall, right next to my poster of Shaun Cassidy.
construction worker thumbs up thumbs up One fifth of The Village People, really happy really happy.
mooning kilt Aren’t all kilts for mooning?
my children’s story keep getting rejected Your story, Little Billy’s First Kite and the High Voltage Power Lines, was a little disturbing.
childrens story limburger cheese This one sucked too.
tom cruise is an idiot I am very honored that Nicole Kidman visited my blog.
how many idiot are in the church of scientology One less since Nicole left Tom.
katie holmes open mouth Katie, stunned that I didn’t use her name for those jokes.
cartoon vomit on guy The disastrous result of my prom date with Olive Oyl.
dental phobia funny jokes There is nothing funny about dental phobias.
“pulled all his teeth” See!
pi alamode 3.14 pieces of pie with ice cream on top.
bug eyed black guy Dynomite! (If you get that reference, you’re old.)
bad guidance counselor of the year The guidance counselor who advised this guy.
Bug mac More gross than a Big Mac, but slightly more nutritious.
Why you should start smoking Because emphysema is fun to say.
a monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in south bend, indiana Man, those priests at Notre Dame are strict.
best reasons for kids to start smoking If a monkey can do it, it’s got to be fun.
tinkerbell playing football The reason Disneyland’s football team sucks.
mcdonalds fries and rats All I want is the rat, but they push the fries on me anyway.
snooki rhyme satire Much better that Snooki Haiku.
limerick about idiots But not as good as the limericks about Snooki.
cartoon boxers Much more comfortable than cartoon briefs.
bee angry angry bee happy redd bee One of Dr. Seuss’ lesser known works.
a vicious cartoon bear Boo Boo finally got sick of Yogi’s crap.
instrument for digging holes Really?
bigfoot smokes pot So do you if you don’t know what a shovel is called.
job interview stoned Not a good idea unless you’re applying to be Justin Bieber’s pilot.
justin biebers shrunken face The name of Selena Gomez’ memoirs.
boy band with clown Aren’t they all?
list of things that gets bulls angry Bull-riders, rodeo clowns, matadors, and boy bands. (It should be noted, the entire animal kingdom hates boy bands, especially badgers.)
permanent cure for athletes foot A hacksaw, a tourniquet, and a peg leg.
self-medication criteria in ungulates Just don’t put their medication in child proof bottles; they have a horrible time opening them with their hoofed feet.
self medicating before family gatherings Before…during…after.
stuff you never want to hear from a new neighbor Hi, you probably recognize me from the Jersey Shore.
facts about bigfoot They love Jack Links beef jerky, but they hate Jack Links Messin’ With Sasquatch commercials.
Sasquatch in the woods That too.
facts about mermaids They all have crabs. (As pets. What did you think I meant?)
can an idiot ride a unicorn Only if he’s a mythological idiot.
my summer story pictures Even the search term sounds boring.
girl tooth fairy girl green disney channel ??????
squat comedy I should be able to think of something funny for this, I just can’t.
pee electricity words wisdom The first and last time you will ever see those words together.
cartoon cows behind an electric fence Are you sure that fence is electrified.
my penis hit an electric fence The worst possible way to check if a fence is electrified.
funny surprised face Your face two seconds after your penis touched that fence.
hysterical laughter cartoon Your friends two seconds after your penis touched that fence.