idiotpruf

Resolve Yourself

As the new year arrives, the annual acts of introspection, personal assessment, and deep soul-searching are effervescing across the nation, spurring aspirations for self-improvement.

The New Year’s resolutions abound.

Some resolutions are to purge undesirable habits: smoking, picking your nose, being Joy Behar, punching people in the face who press you on what your New Year’s resolutions are.

Some resolutions are to adopt desirable habits: a healthy diet, good hygiene, not being Joy Behar, apologizing profusely after punching the person in the face who pressed you on what your New Year’s resolutions are.

Some people simply resolve to approach life with a more positive attitude toward their fellow man; they feel they can make the world a brighter place.

To all of this, I have one response: Wake Up Fools! Your fellow man sucks.

You’re awesome; it’s everybody else that needs to change.

To that end, here is my 2025 list of resolutions for others:

• Don’t walk around on December 31st and say, “See you next year” to everyone you meet and chortle as if you’ve just invented it.
• Don’t respond to the “See you next year” guy by sharpening a stick to a fine point and poking him in the eye with it as you say, “Now you won’t,” regardless of how appropriate it may seem.
• If somebody says something you find funny, just laugh like a normal human being; don’t say lol out loud.
• Don’t ride your skateboard in the middle of the street as if you own it; I will run you over, you smug little bastard.
• Don’t run around showing people pictures of a footprint that you think is indisputable proof of Bigfoot. Your wife has hobbit feet and she walks around barefoot entirely too much.
• Don’t place your new mooning garden gnome, Willard, facing your neighbor’s kitchen window.
• Don’t act all surprised when your new mooning garden gnome, Willard, is mysteriously smashed to bits in the middle of the night.
• Don’t accuse your neighbor of things you can’t prove.
• Don’t inadvertently set your garage on fire while attempting to rid it of a hornet’s nest with a road flare. As funny as it was, you’re a menace to the neighborhood.
• If you’re a mime, don’t be.
• Don’t bring the express lane at the supermarket to a screeching halt by getting into a protracted conversation about your nephew Josh with the cashier. We’re all upset that he’s back in jail, but if you’re on probation, you shouldn’t be smoking crack.
• If you’re on probation, don’t smoke crack.
• If you are on probation and you are smoking crack, don’t do it in your car.
• If you are on probation and you are smoking crack in your car, don’t do it while driving over the speed limit…or on the sidewalk.
• Don’t post proof of your probationary violations on Facebook with the description: look what I did.
• Don’t tweet about your incriminating Facebook post just to ensure everyone sees it.
• Don’t assure someone that you have beer in your fridge and then hand them a Natural Light.
• Put all the baby pictures away; your first three children were ugly, and I’m sure this one will be, too.
• Everything your child does is not precious unless, by precious, you mean annoying beyond the ability to be described with words.
• It’s never good to start a story with the phrase: my child did the most precious thing in juvenile court today.
• Don’t get all pissy when you see something on a list that you think may pertain to you; it absolutely does pertain to you. Learn from it.
• Finally and simply: don’t pretend you’re not a moron if you are a moron (you know who you are).

Addendum: I saw the picture of your baby; he looks like a potato.