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idiotprufs

the blog that made the pope laugh so hard he peed himself.

Archive for the tag “exercise”

Physically Fit to be Tied–And a Bit Older

image credit: TMZ

(image credit: TMZ)

“Are you physically fit?” bellowed the man on the television screen as he jabbed a muscular finger in my direction.

“I don’t know,” I exclaimed, a bit startled by the suddenness of the question.

“Are you physically fit?” he persisted. This man was loud, muscle bound, and so deeply tanned that where ever he was, he must have been near the surface of the sun.

“You’re getting older,” he continued.

I am getting older, I thought, nearly every day.

“Do you even know what it means to be physically fit?”

I had to admit that I really didn’t.

“Of course you don’t know what it means, you’re a tiny pathetic weed of a man.”

I still didn’t know what it meant, was a little insulted, but wished that someone would tell me.

“Well I’m going to tell you.” He seemed to be reading my mind. “Physical fitness is the ability of the body to function with vigor and alertness, and with ample energy to engage in leisure activities. Endurance and cardio respiratory integrity are the overt signs of physical fitness.

Well this was absolutely no help at all.

My body functions with vigor and alertness, in as much as I seldom fall asleep when I don’t want to. I have endurance; I can run over one-hundred feet before the searing pain in my side renders me unconscious. As far as cardio respiratory integrity goes, my heart’s been beating for my entire life and hasn’t stopped yet, how much more integrity do you need?

Ample energy for leisure activities? Any activity that requires an amount of energy that can be characterized as ample, isn’t leisurely at all.

Here are a few activities that I don’t consider leisurely: running, jogging, speed walking, walking normally over long distances, walking slowly up an incline, lifting heavy objects, carrying heavy objects, lifting then subsequently carrying heavy objects, rock climbing. Rocks should never be climbed, if you’re trying to get somewhere and there is a rock in the way, go around it or blow it up. Why do think Alfred Nobel invented dynamite? They didn’t name that award after him because he wasted his time scrabbling up and down rocks.

It was at this point that the man on the screen began doing squat-thrusts. There has never been a time in the history of mankind that it was necessary to do a squat-thrust.

I decided to change the channel. Eventually I found a man reclined in a hammock, sipping a drink through a straw as waves washed a sun soaked beach in the background.

Now that’s a leisurely activity; one for which I have ample energy.

idiotpruf

Goofy has the idea.
(image source: wondersofdisney.com)

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Running Man

sweaty runner

I just want to share a conversation I had with a exuberant runner.

Runner: Do you want to know what I think.

Me: I sincerely doubt it.

Runner: You should start running.

Me: I would need a good reason to start running.

Runner: The cardiovascular benefits.

Me: That’s not a good enough reason to start running.

Runner: What’s a good enough for you to start running?

Me: If I were on safari in Africa and a pack of elephants stampeded toward me, I would run.

Runner: That’s ridiculous.

Me: No it’s not. If you were on safari in Africa and a pack of elephants stampeded toward you, you would definitely want to run.

Runner: I mean a good reason.

Me: Not being trampled to death by elephants is pretty good reason.

Runner: Don’t you want to have better stamina as you get older?

Me: Better stamina? I can climb at least two or three flights of stairs before the searing pain in my side renders me unconscious.

Runner: Is that how you want to live?

Me: Listen, I’m fine. I walk at least two miles every day–I get plenty of exercise.

Runner: But walking doesn’t give you the same high you get from running.

Me: I smoke crack while I walk, so getting a high isn’t really a problem.

Runner: Now you’re just trying to be stupid.

Me: I’m not trying–it’s really no effort at all.

Runner: Tell me what it would take to get you to run.

Me: Well, if I was in Tokyo and Godzilla attacked…hey, where are you going.

Evidently getting away from me is also a good reason to run.

elephants

You’d better run!

 

 

 

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