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idiotprufs

Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the category “Humor”

Own Worst Critic?

I recently heard you say that you are your own worst critic.

You clearly have no idea what people are saying behind your back. You don’t seem to grasp what people are saying to your face.

In fact, you seem to be far more pleased with yourself than the facts or the opinions of others would justify.

Maybe you just don’t understand what the word repugnant means. The word repugnant is not positive.

Nor is the word maximum-repugnacious.

Maximum-repugnacious is a made-up word. People are coining new derogatory phrases to describe you–that’s bad.

The breadth of the English language doesn’t contain enough pejorative terms to adequately describe your horribleness.

Let’s look at the definition of the word repugnant:

adjective
distasteful, objectionable, or offensive:
a repugnant smell.
making opposition; averse.
opposed or contrary, as in nature or character.

When your name crops up in the same sentence as words like: repugnant, distasteful, objectional, offensive, malodorous, repulsive, vomit-inducing, or shit-for-brains, it isn’t positive.

Regardless of how many times you’ve been referred to as shit-for-brains, you never seem to take it as an insult.

Why do you think people don’t describe Albert Einstein as that shit-for-brains patent clerk who eventually did something sciency?

It would take a shit-for-brains person to say something like that about Albert Einstein. Do you remember the time you said that about Albert Einstein?

I guess my point is: your critics are voluminous and well deserved.

You’re probably readings this right now, chuckling to yourself, and thinking: I wonder who this is about.

You shit-for-brains.

Albert Einstein: unlike you, not a shit-for-brains.

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It Doesn’t Meme a Thing

crazy girl meme

I’ve been seeing this meme crop up quite a bit recently, and it’s starting to bother me.

What are you really saying about yourself when you slap this on your Facebook page?

IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE MY HOME COOKED MEALS WHEN THEY’RE RIFE WITH SALMONELLA.

YOU DON’T DESERVE MY HOME COOKED MEALS WHEN THEY’RE NOT INDUCING PROJECTILE VOMIT.

OR

IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE MY PUBLIC MELTDOWN WHEN YOU DIDN’T IMMEDIATELY AGREE WITH ME WHEN I SAY OUR WAITRESS LOOKS LIKE A WHORE.

YOU DON’T DESRVE ME WHEN I’M NOT HURLING UTENSILS ACROSS A CROWDED RESTAURANT.

OR

IF YOU CAN’T HANLDE ME WHEN I’M STABBING YOU IN THE FACE WITH A BAYONET. 

YOU DON’T DESREVE ME WHEN I’M NOT STABBING YOU IN THE FACE WITH A BAYONET.

OR

I’M A PHYCHO!

woman crazy

“You don’t deserve me when I’m not trying to murder you in your sleep.”

 

Amanda the Lizard: Another Fable

Fable

It was a pleasant summer day and Ned the tree frog was hopping across the forest floor on his way to the creek.

What a perfect day to spend at the creek, he thought to himself, but I hope there’s no lizards at the creek; I don’t care for lizards.

He happened upon Tobias the toad.

“How are things today,” Ned the tree frog asked of Tobias the toad.

“Things are well on this pleasant summer day,” Tobias the toad replied. “I’m on my to creek for this is a perfect day to spend at the creek.”

“That is just what I was thinking,” Ned the tree frog agreed.

“I just hope there’s no lizards there,” Tobias the toad added, “I don’t care for lizards.”

“You and I think so much alike,” Ned the tree frog exclaimed.

“It’s probably because we’re both amphibians,” Tobias the toad said.

And so they hopped together toward the creek.

As they reached the creek they were horrified to find Amanda the lizard, basking in the sun the way that lizards do.

“Please don’t eat us,” Tobias the toad said to Amanda the lizard.

“Why would I do that,” Amanda the lizard responded quizzically.

“Lizards eat amphibians–that’s what lizards do,” Tobias the toad responded matter-of-factly.

“Don’t worry about that,” Amanda the Lizard told them, “I’ve had a change of lifestyle; I now self-identify as an amphibian…and besides, toads are disgusting.”

“What’s that supposed to mean,” Tobias the toad replied indignantly.

“Your skin is all leathery and covered with warts–it’s disgusting.”

“That’s a hurtful thing to say,” Tobias the toad said.

“And you’re really sour–it’s quite off-putting.”

“It’s just how we toads are,” Tobias the toad said defensively.

“I threw-up in my mouth a little bit just thinking about eating you,” Amanda the lizard continued.

“Okay we get it!” Tobias the toad yelled.

“Tree frogs on the other hand, are tasty little morsels, but don’t worry I won’t eat you.” she assured them.

So Ned the tree frog, Tobias the toad, and Amanda the lizard all settled down to enjoy a pleasant summer day at the creek.

After a bit of time, Ron the tree frog came down from one of the trees. Ron the tree frog was widely known about the forest as a major ass-hat.

“Well if it isn’t Ned the “supposed” tree frog,” Ron the tree frog said snidely.

“What’s that supposed to mean,” Amanda the lizard asked.

“Haven’t you heard about Ned?” Ron the tree frog chortled, “he’s a tree frog, but he lives in a bush because he’s afraid of heights. He’s a total joke in the tree frog world.”

“Okay, that’s enough Ron,” Tobias the toad told Ron the tree frog.

“Ned here was dating Sally the tree frog,” Ron continued undeterred, “but she had to dump him out of sheer embarrassment.”

“Why don’t you just leave me alone?” Ned the tree frog said dejectedly.

“Because I hate you,” Ron the tree frog said. “And another thing…”

With a lightning quick flick of the tongue and a few muted chomping sounds, Ron the tree frog was no more.

“Holy shit!” Tobias the toad exclaimed to Amanda the lizard, “you just ate Ron the tree frog!”

“He was being an ass-hat,” Amanda the lizard said in defense.

So the three of them sat by the creek and quietly enjoyed the pleasant summer day.

Moral

If you’re a tasty little morsel–don’t be an ass-hat.

“Don’t be an ass-hat.”

You’re Not Really a Bad Person

snidley whiplash

“You can tell by my maniacal sneer I’m a good guy.”

You’re not really a bad person.

Sure, you parked in front of that fire hydrant despite the big sign clearly indicating not to park in front of the fire hydrant. You know, because of all the laws and such.

You couldn’t have possibly known that orphanage would catch on fire.

You did see some smoke coming from the building, but you imagined a nice cozy fire burning in the fireplace…midday in the middle of August.

And while it seemed odd the smoke was emanating from a window and not a chimney, you’re not a fireplace expert.

Besides, it wasn’t very much smoke…at first.

For all you knew, they were just electing a new orphan pope.

And you’re all for freedom of religion, despite that time you punched that Jehovah’s Witness in the face. But he rang the doorbell and got you out of bed…it was barely past noon.

And while you made the decision to argue with the firemen rather than allow them the unimpeded ability to aide the orphans who were now fleeing for their lives from a burning building, we all have our priorities.

Hey! Those firemen put a scratch on your car that isn’t going to buff out.

What’s the big deal anyway? They’re orphans–they’re used to hardship.

You probably shouldn’t have cursed at that nun, but it was a very intense situation. And that crack she made about your future be filled with damnation and hellfire just seemed mean.

No! You are not a bad person at all.

fire forest

Fires make everything nice and toasty warm.

 

Why You Shouldn’t Show Me Pictures of Your Grandchild

Happy Photo Purveyor: would you like to see photos of my grandchild?

Me: not especially.

Happy Photo Purveyor: but she’s just so precious.

Me: believe me, your voluminous and unremitting descriptions of her are all I really need.

Happy Photo Purveyor: you absolutely have to see them.

Me: I’m certain that’s not the case.

Happy Photo Purveyor: you’ll regret it if you don’t.

Me: I’m feeling the regret already.

Happy Photo Purveyor: let me get my phone out.

Me: so this is happening.

Fifty photos later.

Happy Photo Purveyor: if liked those, I’ve got hundreds more.

Me: great! Let me just remove this ice pick I’ve jammed into my eye.

Happy Photo Purveyor: her name is Liz; can you guess what that’s short for?

Me: I don’t know.

Happy Photo Purveyor: just guess.

Me: I don’t want to guess.

Happy Photo Purveyor: just guess–it’s obvious.

Me: It’s obvious? Is it short for Lizard.

Several moments of uncomfortable silence.

Not As Happy Photo Purveyor: why would her name be Lizard.

Me: she looks a bit like a lizard.

Even more uncomfortable silence.

Unhappy Photo Purveyor: my granddaughter looks nothing like a lizard.

Me: not all of her–just her face.

Still Unhappy Photo Purveyor: people say she takes after me!

Me: I wasn’t going to bring that up…but yes she does.

Several moments of awkward and uncomfortable silence followed by some decidedly unsilent moments.

Pissed Off Photo Purveyor: (growling through clenched teeth) my granddaughter looks nothing like a lizard!

Me: You’re right. There are however some lizards that bear a striking resemblance to your granddaughter.

Apoplectic Photo Purveyor: I’m never showing you another photo again!

Apoplectic Photo Purveyor storming off in a huff.

Me: mission accomplished.

And that’s why you should never show me photos of your grandchild.

This is Liz. Guess what Liz is short for.

It’s Complicated

the office

WARNING: If you happen to be one of those progressively minded individuals whose relationship status on Facebook is “it’s complicated” you are about to be mocked.

Will you be mocked mercilessly?

Perhaps. Let’s just see how things go.

There are many things in this world that are complicated:

  • Differential equations.
  • Neurosurgery.
  • String theory.
  • The proposition of an interdimensional rift.
  • Navigating a four-way stop in rural Pennsylvania. (You know who you are.)
  • Explaining Schrodinger’s cat to a dog. (Obviously cats get it.)
  • Explaining Schrodinger’s cat to a Sociology major named Brenda.

WARNING: Sociology majors named Brenda may also take a hit in this post.

  • The musical constructs of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
  • The paintings of Salvador Dali.
  • Trying to ascertain the reason for the Kardashian’s mystifying popularity.
kardashians

It’s mystifying.

There are several reasons a person might choose ‘it’s complicated’ to represent their relationship status:

  • They’re dating their second-cousin and they’re not quite sure if it’s legal in their state of residence. (They are certain it’s a bit icky.)
  • The relationship status of the person they’re currently involved with: married.
  • Facebook doesn’t currently provide the option: stalking someone.
  • They’re a Sociology major named Brenda.
  • They’re one of those weirdos who married themselves. Let’s be honest, being married to yourself is just the same as being single, but sad and more than a little creepy.
  • They’re one of those weirdos who married a tree. Just think of the uncomfortable places they’re going to get splinters.
  • They’re a Sociology major named Brenda who divorced yourself to marry a tree she had previously been stalking. (She then dumped the tree for a lumberjack–the ultimate betrayal.)
  • They thought the status term was: it’s complimentary. Because everyone just says glowing things about them…despite the fact they were married to a tree.
  • It’s complicated sounds better than I’m a man slut.
  • It’s not really that complicated–you’re just not that bright.

My advice: just leave your relationship status blank…or date a tree, it’s up to you.

Her name is Willow, and she is delightful.

Her name is Willow and she is delightful.

 

Spicy Boys and Petitions

Spicy.

Have you ever looked at something and thought: the name given to that thing is entirely wrong? I could think of something better.

Well that happened to a man in New Zealand as he was sitting on the toilet. He said the following:

i saw a fire ant while pooping and i thought of a better name. spicy boy is better. i also threw toilet paper at it. i didnt want it to crawl into my pants and underwear.

So this person started a petition on change.org to have fire ants renamed spicy boys.

And you thought New Zealand was all hobbits and Lucy Lawless. Shame on you.

Unfortunately the petition is now closed with a total of 2,832 supporters, and I far as I know, fire ants are still fire ants.

But I have been inspired.

Following in these footsteps of brilliance, I am now in the process of filing the following petitions:

  • Sack Nancy Pelosi as House Majority Leader and replace her with Flo from the Progressive commercials.
  • Change the Capitol from Washington D.C. to Hershey, Pennsylvania–and everyone gets free chocolate.
  • Replace the stodgy old image of the bald eagle on U.S. currency, with a hilarious drawing of Woody Woodpecker.
  • Create a third house of Congress comprised completely of losing contestants from the Bachelorette.
  • Every family in the country gets a helper monkey named Mojo.
What could be more helpful than this?

What could be more helpful than this?

  • The new Chief Justice of the Supreme Court: Judge Reinhold.
  • Any time Judge Reinhold enters a courtroom, Kid Rock’s “American Badass,” plays in the background.
  • The Super Bowl halftime show will be replaced by Justin Bieber and The Pope engaged in a knife fight to the death.
  • The following year the winner takes on a Kardashian…any Kardashian.
  • The closing bell on Wall Street to be replaced with a recording of Porky Pig stammering the words, “that’s all folks.”
  • People who drive slowly in the fast lane, will have their drivers licenses immediately revoked. They will also be required to write a 5000 word essay on why they’re an imbecile. (There may also be a Super Bowl halftime knife fight involved.)
  • Everyone gets a blimp.
  • The state capitol of New York is to be moved from Albany to Cooperstown. The new governor: Ted Williams’ frozen head.
  • Bigfoot will be made the Pennsylvania state bird. (I know it doesn’t make any sense–have you read this blog before?)
  • Girls named Amanda will no longer be allowed to purchase pepper spray or recklessly bandy around the word stalker.
  • People who make nonsensical lists will be forced to pay for what they’ve done.

If I have missed anything, let me know.

Introducing your new congressmen.

Introducing your new congressmen (American Badass plays in the background)

 

 

Slacked-Jawed Neighbors and Their Spawn


As the weather turns and provides respite from the bitter cold and the mountains of lake-effect snow that Lake Erie has so generously dumped on you all Winter, you feel a sense of relief.

A sense of relief that is quickly shattered by a sudden realization: all of that cold and snow provided a sort of barrier, a buffer, between you and your slack-jawed neighbors. And more crucially, between you and your slack-jawed neighbor’s slack-jawed reprobate spawn.

You’ve so much to look forward to in the coming months: bicycle tracks through your yard, cigarette butts littered about, bansheelike wailing throughout the night, the occasional acts of vandalism, and stench of sulfur that alerts you to their presence.

In the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania you are not allowed to taser minors.

What the hell were those pin heads in Harrisburg thinking?

It seems there is no physical barrier that can thwart them:

  • Electrified fence
  • Razor wire
  • Electrified fence with razor wire
  • Moat
  • Moat filled with alligators
  • Moat filled with piranha
  • Moat filled with alligator sized piranha
  • Moat filled with acid
  • Moat filled with acid resistant piranha
  • Moat filled with acid resistant alligator sized piranha

It seems futile until you stumble upon the one thing that makes them scatter like the disgusting little cockroaches they are: Holy water.

Maybe it won’t be such a bad Summer after all.

Why do you think they built that wall in China? It was the freaking neighbor kids.

Let’s All Just Start Accepting the Truth


Wouldn’t life be easier if we all just told the truth?

Wouldn’t it be better if we didn’t sugarcoat things?

Wouldn’t it be better if we just accepted things as they are?

Imagine a world where we didn’t have to censor ourselves; a world where people didn’t get their shorts all twisted up in a bunch over every little thing you say.

Example:

Easily Offended Individual: don’t you think my baby is beautiful?

You: what do you mean–for a lizard?

Easily Offended Individual: I mean beautiful for a baby.

You: a baby lizard?

Easily Offended Individual: for a baby person!

You: your baby looks like a lizard.

Easily Offended Individual: people say the baby takes after me!

You: you have lizard eyes.

Easily Offended Individual: you’re an ass!

You: but I’m an ass with normal eyes.

Easily Offended Individual: you can go to Hell!

See. If people would just accept the fact that they have a creepy lizard baby, everything would be easier and there would be a lot less occurrences of people who were only being honest, being punched in the face by angry women who are most likely suffering from postpartum depression.

I’m just saying.

Lizard like reflexes.

 

Reefer Madness and a Bit of Math

pot shop

Albert Einstein almost never hung out here.

Dutch researchers have done it again.

From the people who have already given us windmills, Holstein cows, gouda cheese, Heineken, orange carrots (seriously, orange carrots-look it up), and crucially: the idea that my date will pay for her own meal, comes another breakthrough.

Dutch researchers have determined that students who were banned from smoking marijuana in Dutch coffee shops were found to be more likely to pass exams, specifically math based ones.

The effect is “five times larger” for courses requiring quantitative thinking and maths-based tasks, the researchers wrote. They then crossed out that figure and changed it to “four times larger” before crossing out that figure and changing it to “ten times larger.” They then admitted that they were quite confused and unsure of the figures–they had been smoking a lot of pot that day. They then put on some Steely Dan records and sent out for munchies.

Note: in an unrelated study, Dutch researchers have discovered that people who repeatedly whomp themselves in the face with a wooden shoe, are more likely to suffer from headaches than people who don’t. Additionally, people who drink a case of Heineken every day are even more likely to whomp themselves in the face with a wooden shoe, but less likely to feel the effects. The Dutch are freakin’ awesome.

The Dutch, known for their thoroughness and incredible dyke building skills, have compiled a list of activities hindered by the use of marijuana:

  • Basic math skills.
  • Advanced math skills.
  • Common core math (actually, heavy drug use helps with this).
  • Operating heavy machinery.
  • Operating heavy machinery while trying to remember the lyrics of your favorite Grateful Dead song.
  • Operating heavy machinery while remembering that your favorite Grateful Dead song has no lyrics; it’s just 25 minutes of twangy guitar music.
  • Taking deep breaths without hacking up a lung.
  • Finding Lake Titicaca on a map.
  • Saying the name Lake Titicaca without giggling uncontrollably.
  • Not giggling uncontrollably.
  • The ability to have a conversation with a person without referring to him as “man” repeatedly.
  • The ability to enter a grocery store without purchasing a case of Twinkies.

Additionally, the Dutch have discovered in manufacturing companies where marijuana use is prevalent among its workers, production levels have seen a substantial drop. However, this doesn’t apply to companies that produce tie-dye clothing; drug use in those companies seems to cause an explosion of production…at least until everyone gets hungry and starts searching for munchies.

Note: it is a little known fact that tie-dye was invented in 1928, when after eating a tainted breakfast burrito, Walt Disney vomited on a co-workers shirt, and really liked the way it looked. He then drew something about a mouse on a steamboat. The Dutch don’t invent everything.

Meanwhile in North Korea:

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