“It’s given the whole straw house industry a bad name,” Cyril Tottering the proprietor of Tottering Straw Homes Inc. complained.
It seems Mr. Tottering’s business has taken quite a financial hit since the story of the Three Little Pigs has gotten out.
“Those pigs are blatant liars,” Mr. Tottering asserted, “you can’t just huff and puff and blow down one of my straw houses.”
“He came around trying to sell me one of those crappy straw houses,” the third little pig told us. “I wouldn’t keep my dung pile in one of those things. My brother, the first little pig, kept bragging about how cheap his house was…look where that got him.”
“My straw houses pass rigorous testing,” Mr. Tottering asserted.
“I guess none of that ‘rigorous testing’ involved a lit match,” the third little pig responded.
“We could ask the wolf what really happened, but evidently the pigs boiled him in oil,” Mr. Tottering stated. “That hardly seems like trustworthy behavior.”
“If you come down someone’s chimney uninvited, boiled in oil is what you’re gonna get,” the third little pig said. “We’re not just going to allow ourselves to be eaten–not by the hairs on our chinny chin chins.”
“What does that even mean: the hairs on our chinny chin chins? It pisses me off every time they say that.”
Mr. Tottering went on to tell us how he and a Mr. Dennis Flimsy owner of Flimsy Stick Homes Inc. are combining to launch a defamation lawsuit against the three little pigs.
“I wouldn’t keep my dung pile in one of those stick houses either,” the third little pig chuckled. “Tottering and Flimsy: pretty aptly described if you ask me.”
“Those are our names!” Mr. Tottering yelled in exasperation.
“It seemed like a really good deal at the time,” the first little pig explained.
“Who would think wolves have such lung capacity,” the second little pig added.
“Our brother said that thing about his dung pile again, didn’t he?” the first little pig asked disgustedly.
“Yeah,” the second little pig said in conclusion, “he’s kind of a dick about that big brick house of his.”