idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

05 Jun 2015
2 Comments

Deflate-gate and the presentation of the winning game ball!

dali deflategate

Following the success of Spending Quality Time With Known Felons in a Dimly Lit Bar (less death threats than usual) here is another guess post from Another Idiot. Enjoy.

For as long as I can remember, it has been customary in the NFL to present the game ball to the team member that was most responsible for the win. Football is an American tradition, the most popular sport, and one of my favorite pass-times. Every year football fans yearn for midsummer after waiting several months during the off season in anticipation of a winning season for their favorite team, and a possible playoff berth. For most of us we end up disappointed in our favorite team’s inability to continue to the end of the season, and win a Super Bowl. It seems to reason that teams will have ups and downs, good years and bad, streaks of fortune and misfortune.
However, some teams seem to always be in the hunt, and never have an off-season no matter what their personnel situation is. They are always in the playoffs, and always have a shot at a Lombardi trophy. If you haven’t guessed it by now; I’m talking about the New England Patriots.
Attention: If you are a New England Patriot’s fan, move forward with extreme caution! You may want to regress back to the home page. Further entry into this document may cause extreme feelings; especially if you don’t have a sense of humor. You may not be ready to witness what the following passage has to offer. The below listed side effects may occur if you continue to peruse this document. (Cheesy disclaimers work for medication, why not a blog?)

Conditions caused by this passage that may be harmful to Patriot fans:

  • Bulging veins.
  • Double vision.
  • Blurred vision
  • Clenching of fists.
  • fisticuffs.
  • Cufflink wearing.
  • Heavy drinking.
  • Heavy lifting.
  • Heavy smoking.
  • Heavy thinking, (well, probably not).
  • Binge eating.
  • Binge drinking.
  • Excess binging.
  • Moderate binging.
  • Redundancy.
  • Oxymoron.
  • And many other ill effects that could alter your personality, and life styles too numerous to list.

So if you are a New England Patriot’s fan, you have been warned. It’s still not too late to turn back.
As we cheer for our teams, we take pride in their accomplishments. There is a certain amount of ethics and morals that go into the standards in which the game is played. We don’t tolerate cheating, and a certain amount of disdain is fostered towards those athletes who decide that winning took precedence over ethics of the game.

I’m talking about the New England Patriot’s deflate-gate and spy gate. The patriots have been caught red handed, cheating; and twice, (in my humble opinion), they have gotten off easy. The first incident was the “Spy Gate” of 2007 where the Patriots were videotaping other teams signal calling during the game. Coach Belichick was fined $500,000 the maximum, the team fined $250,000, and the loss of their first draft choice. It was discovered that the team had used this practice since 2000. The second was Tom Brady being suspended for four games for violating the rule of 12.5 to 13.5 PSI air pressure in the game balls in 2014. What do both these incidents have in common? Both years the Patriots were playing in a Super Bowl, and both years they were caught cheating.

Other teams who cheated and were given admonishment from the NFL:
-Mike Tomlin, Pittsburgh’s head coach, stepped on field to disrupt play, fined $100,000. He apologized and put it behind him.
-Ray Farmer, Cleveland’s GM fined $250,000 and suspended four games for texting his coach during a game.
-New Orleans Saints bounty gate, Head coach suspended one year, defensive coordinator suspended indefinitely, GM suspended eight games, assistant head coach suspended six games, Vilma suspended 2012 season, Anthony Hargrove suspended eight games, Will Smith suspended four games, and Scott Fujita three game suspension, $500,000 fine and loss of 2nd round draft picks in 2012 and 2013 seasons, (their first round pick was traded away to NE).
-Falcons fined $350,000 for pumping noise into the stadium, and lost 5th round draft in 2016.
-Penn State: too much to list, (they never cheated; they had a sick individual on their college coaching staff who caused the entire system to suffer for years). You know the story.

List of possible admonishments for the New England Patriots for Deflate-gate:
Real list: Suspend Tom Brady for 1 Year

idiotprufs’ list: Force Brady to dress as a mime and stay in character
(Four games isn’t enough) for 1 year during the 2016 football season.

Real list: Suspend Belichick indefinitely

idiotprufs’ list: Force Belichick to dress as a mime and stay in
character indefinitely.

Real list: Fire the equipment managers.

idiotprufs’ list: Promote the equipment managers to GM, and allow
them unconditional access to the equipment room.

Real list: Forfeit playoff availability for one year.

idiotprufs’ list: NFL forfeit the New England Patriots for one year.

Real list: Robert Kraft forced to sell team.

idiotprufs’ list: New England is forced to sell Girl Scout cookies, (they
are really good cookies, especially PB).

bill-belichick-deflategate-meme

In light of “SPY GATE”, the length of time the Patriots’ conducted it and got away with it; it is perplexing to me that they aren’t suspected of continuing the practice to this day. After seeing them come from behind on numerous occasions after half-time, it is fishy that they miraculously seem to know what the other team is going to do, and their opponents seem to have no answer to this conundrum. The Buffalo Bills beat the Patriots in 2011, 34-31 after leading at the half 21-0. The Bills QB claimed that they changed their signal calling after the half to confuse New England; it worked. The Patriots looked confused, as if they expected the plays to be totally different. I’m surprised other teams haven’t adopted this practice.
Things teams could do to beat the New England Patriots
1) Over-inflate the game balls.
2) Learn New England’s signal calls and change strategy at the half.
3) Change their signals after the half to the opposite of what they were in the first half.
4) Pay the refs more than New England.
5) Sell the Patriots Ex-lax laced Girl Scout cookies; (this is extremely cruel, as no one should mess with Girl Scout cookies, especially the peanut butter).
6) Pay a bounty to the defense.
7) Pump noise into the stadium.
8) Text your coach during the game. (I’m not sure how this would work, but it must somehow; it’s illegal. Anyway, millions of teenagers couldn’t be wrong).
9) Pretend the refs are mimes and ignore them. Their outfits are sort of similar.
10) Step near the field of play and jump back at the last second; it works every time.

So in closing, I think the game ball from the New England Super Bowl win should be presented to the equipment manager’s Jim McNally and John Jastranski. The Colts probably wouldn’t have won that game, it was too one sided. However, the Ravens lost 35-31 in the January weather in New England; deflated balls and knowing the other team’s plays after the half may have been enough to turn the tide of the game in New England’s favor.patriots super bowl ring

Posted in funny, Humor, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
31 May 2015
21 Comments

People Suck

Hugh Laurie

I know what you’re thinking: that statement is too broad.

Fine, I will amend it.

Human people suck.

Again too broad?

Some human people suck (although it’s only some, it seems I have contact with most of them).

People are lying, cheating, slandering, backstabbing, thieving, manipulative, reprobates. And those are just my aunts and uncles.

 

Anyway, there are myriad reasons why people suck:

  • They are my aunts.
  • They are my uncles.
  • They are murderers.
  • They are racists.
  • They are people who drive slowly in the fast lane.
  • They are racists who drive slowly in the fast lane.
  • They are philanderers.
  • They are philanthropists.
  • Wait, philanthropy is a good thing…unless you’re giving your money to a bad cause, like The Society For Clubbing Baby Seals while driving slowly in the fast lane.
  • They are people who club baby seals, or support the activity through generous donations.
  • They are people who club Seal the singer.
  • They are people who club Seal the singer with baby seals.
  • They are people who get into the 10 items or less line with more than 10 items.
  • They are people who use the word less when the word fewer is correct. (See the previous entry.)
  • They are Kanye West.
  • They are Kanye West getting into the 10 items or less line with more than 10 items, while wildly swinging a club at a baby seal.
  • They are arsonists.
  • They are people who park in front of fire hydrants.
  • They are people who park in front of fire hydrants while their arsonist friends set fires.
  • They are people who have arsonist friends.
  • They are people who take pleasure in seeing bad things happen to other people (unless the bad thing is happening to Kanye West).
  • They are people who become mimes (mimes are so smug).
  • They are people who are extortionists.
  • They are people who are contortionists (it’s super creepy how bendy they are).
  • They are people who say “lol” out loud.
  • They are murderers.
  • They are felons.
  • They are terrorists.
  • But possibly the most heinous people of all: they are double dippers.

Posted in funny, Humor, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
10 Feb 2015
22 Comments

Are Sea-Monkeys Better Than Your Family?

Sea-Monkey family

What a lovely family.

It’s the question people have been asking themselves for ages: are Sea-Monkeys better than my family?

Don’t be ridiculous, of course Sea-Monkeys are better than your family.

Sea-Monkeys aren’t constantly shoving pictures of their potato-faced baby in your face, forcing you to lie about how cute their potato-faced baby is.

(Their baby isn’t cute: it has a potato face.)

Sea-Monkeys don’t get angry when you use the phrase “potato-faced” to describe their baby.

Note: turnip-faced doesn’t seem to be any more agreeable than potato-faced. Your family appears to have a bizarre bias against root vegetables that Sea-Monkeys don’t possess.

Sea-Monkeys don’t show up to family picnics all liquored-up on Coors Light, and vomit into your aunt’s potato salad.

Sea-Monkeys don’t get all pissy when you comment that your aunt’s potato salad was destined to be involved with vomit related incident at some point before the day was over.

Unlike your aunt, Sea-Monkeys aren’t overly sensitive about their disgusting potato salad and chunky hippo thighs.

Unlike your family, Sea-Monkeys tend to be very fit. It’s probably all the swimming they do, coupled with their general reluctance to shovel fatty foods into their fat gaping yaps.

Unlike your in-laws, Sea-Monkeys don’t sit around at family functions, guzzling Wild Turkey and openly lamenting their obviously questionable life choices.

Sea-monkeys don’t drink bourbon at all.

Unlike your brat cousin, Sea-Monkeys don’t scream at the top of their lungs until your aunt fills her face full of candy.

Sea-Monkeys understand that shoving sugar into an already intolerably loud and manic child, is the last thing you should do.

As brine shrimp, Sea-Monkeys are bottom feeders.

(Sorry, that last entry is from the list of how Sea-Monkeys are exactly like your family.)

Sea-Monkeys never set fire to their face.

Note: to be fair, it is difficult to start a fire inside a bowl of water. Still, your bone-head uncle could do it, and burn off his eyebrows in the process.

Unlike your aunts, Sea-Monkeys aren’t a gaggle of cackling hags who put curses on their nieces and nephews; Sea-Monkeys rarely dabble in the black arts.

Sea-Monkeys don’t disgust you.

Sea-Monkeys aren’t reading this blog and becoming enraged.

Sea-Monkeys have a far better sense of humor than your family.

And Finally…

When you refer to someone as a “miserable squinty-eyed back stabbing rat-bastard” you’re almost never talking about a Sea-Monkey.

sea monkey

You must admit, this Sea-Monkey is the spitting image of one of your aunts.

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, lists and tagged , , , , , , , ,
31 Jan 2015
9 Comments

Strangers in a Strange Land: The Amarillo Trilogy Part 1

I’m reposting this in honor of Super Bowl weekend:

Frank Reich

Thanks for nothing, Frank.

This the tale of how four young men from western New York came to watch the greatest comeback in NFL playoff history–the Buffalo Bills overcoming of a 32 point deficit against the Houston Oilers–in less than hospitable surrounding; a seedy bar in Texas.

It was noon Texas time, and we were scrambling to find a place to watch the game. We finally stumbled upon a hole-in-the-wall on the outskirts of Amarillo.

We walked into a shadowy bar that if I’m not mistaken, was the setting for Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The atmosphere was dark and murky and we could feel the eyes of the other patrons on us, heavy with suspicion and contempt. The occupants of one table in the back were a particularly grizzled bunch that were reminiscent of the bar scene from Dusk Til Dawn.

Yeah...that looks right.

Yeah…that looks right.

We made our way to the front and took a seat at the bar, where the bartender was describing to the bar’s manager, events from the night before: a handful of fights, a couple of stabbings, limited gun-play.  She would go on to describe it as a typical Saturday night.

Note: I’m not making that up.

As the bartender checked our driver licenses, she eyed us warily.

“Westfield, New York…is that anywhere near Buffalo?”

We told her that it was in fact about sixty miles from Buffalo.

“You’re not Bills fans are you?” She asked with just a touch of petulance in her voice.

We informed her that two of us, Lance and Al, were in fact Bills fans. I told her that I was a Pittsburgh Steelers fan, and one of us, Matt, was actually a Houston Oilers fan (we assumed if things got ugly, Matt would be stabbed last).

“Well, you boys will be okay…as long as the Bills lose,” she said jokingly…but not really.

Note: After hearing that I was a Steelers fan, the manager explained to me in great detail why Texans hate the Pittsburgh Steelers and their fans. The visual aids he used were disturbing.

The game began and the Oilers dominated for the entire first half, taking a 28 to 3 lead into halftime.

With every touchdown the Oilers scored, the mood lightened, the other patrons around us became friendlier and the guys from the back table even seemed magnanimous.

They began to ask us friendly questions:

Does it snow a lot where you live?

It snows tons.

Have you been to Niagara Falls?

Many times.

Are Canadians as polite as people say?

Mostly.

Can you get good chicken wings around there?

Larry’s Cantina in Westfield, New York has the best wings anywhere.

Why don’t you talk like your from New York?

What do you mean?

If you’re from New York, why don’t say things like, “yo” or “yous guys”?

First, we’re not from Yonkers. Second, you’re thinking of Rocky Balboa, a fictional character from Philadelphia.

We were all having a good time, the fear of imminent bodily harm had subsided.

The second half began with Houston scoring another touchdown, increasing their lead to 35 to 3, and things were downright jovial.

Then something odd happened: as Houston kicker, Al Del Greco, was kicking off, the wind shifted the ball in the tee, resulting in a squib kick that went only a few feet, and everything began to change.

Frank Reich began to throw touchdown passes, Warren Moon began to throw interceptions, and the mood in the bar began to shift.

With every play Lance and Al whooped and hollered and slapped high fives, much to the disgust the others around us. At one point Buffalo receiver, Don Beebe, scored a touchdown on a play which he had clearly stepped out of bounds. The anger in the room was growing palpable. The fear of imminent bodily harm had returned with a vengeance.

As Buffalo kicker, Steve Christie, lined up to kick the game winning field goal, Lance and Al were in a state oblivious delirium, I was fearing for life, and Matt was about to experience the phrase “adding insult to injury” in a very literal way, as he was about to watch his team blow the biggest lead in NFL history, and possibly be stabbed in the side of the head.

Matt and I had the following conversation:

Me: Matt, when we came in did those guys at the back table have eye-patches and huge scars on their faces?

Matt: I don’t think so.

Me: I certainly don’t remember that big guy on the right fondling a blood stained machete.

Matt: And wearing a T-shirt that reads: Remember The Alamo: A Great Day Of Victory.

Me: We should get out of here.

Matt: Right away.

I could hear Ennio Morricone music rising in the background. You know, that music from Sergio Leone Spaghetti Westerns, the music that would play just before Jack Elam would be brutally killed (and jukebox wasn’t even plugged in).

"Oh crap, there's that music."

“Oh crap, there’s that music.”

Steve Christie’s kick sailed through the uprights giving the Bills the greatest comeback in NFL history, and we sailed out the door before weaponry could be wielded.

The Buffalo Bills had survived that day, but more importantly, so had we.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
30 Jan 2015
9 Comments

Top Ten Other Ways the New England Patriots Cheat

football underinflated

Patriots’ game ball, inflated slightly more than Tom Brady likes it.

#10

Robert Kraft offers a lifetime supply of razors to officials who ‘look the other way’ when they cover the Seahawks’ game balls with super slippery stuff.

#9

Rob Gronkowski is actually a cyborg sent back from the future to kill Sarah Conner.

#8

Tom Brady wears a piece; he’s actually bald a cue ball.

#7

They lace other team’s Gatorade with Viagra.

#6

The New England Patriots’ kicker’s balls are coated with flubber.

#5

Legarrette Blount never passes the joint to the other team.

(Technically this isn’t cheating, but it certainly isn’t polite.)

#4

Snipers.

#3

Bill Belichick had a witch doctor put an ‘interception’ curse on Eli Manning, to keep him out of the Super Bowl.

(It’s working.)

#2

They steal the other team’s playbook, and replace the plays with Venn Diagrams about ninjas.

#1

Tom Brady illegally deflates his game balls; he artificially inflates his jock strap.

addendum

When I said the New England Patriots’ kicker’s balls are coated with flubber, I did mean his testicles.

ninja irs When Russell Wilson drops back to pass, he’ll be looking for the zombie.

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, lists, top ten list and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15 Dec 2014
17 Comments

Spending Quality Time With Known Felons in a Seedy Dimly Lit Bar

felonsJust another small glimpse into my life. A special guest post written by someone who will refer to himself as Another Idiot (to many people it’s preferable to refer to themselves as idiots, than admit they know me). It does involve me and I will occasionally interject. Enjoy.

Picture if you will a seedy dimly lit bar, known for serving ice cold beer to bikers, farmers or bankers.

An eclectic crowd can be found at this fine establishment, enjoying all the ambiance of hunting gear, 1990s football paraphernalia, and NASCAR.

On any particular Saturday night, you could imagine the local trailer parks, backwoods cabins and downtown ghettos, had been abandoned for the solace of this drunkard’s utopia. It boasts the finest pickled eggs, and a variety of snacks that can conquer the most severe case of the munchies.

Idiotprufs’ note: if winning the battle over munchies results in losing the war against Salmonella, so be it.

Yes, this is my kind of bar.

On this night the bar was patronized by a handful of people. Two regulars sat at the far end of the bar. Myself and Idiotprufs sat at the other end of the bar, farthest away from the other patrons, closest to the ice-cold beer taps.

Three people entered the backdoor and proceeded to encroach upon the territory occupied by Idiotprufs and myself. With so much space in the bar, why would someone sit close? (Except to be close to the ice-cold beer tap, which always a good strategy.)

Would such an intrusion be justified?

The one newcomer sat next to me, the other was preoccupied with his goth looking girlfriend.

Idiotprufs’ notes: to be fair, she may have been goth, she may have been the living dead; it was a dimly lit bar.

The following conversation may or may not have happened:

Idiotprufs: my Uncle Pedro’s a decent guy.

(The names have been changed to protect the innocent, or the not so innocent, as Uncle Pedro is a known felon.)

Another Idiot: how can he be a decent guy; he’s a known felon?

Newcomer (jerking his head around): I’m a felon!

Another Idiot: that’s nice.

Idiotprufs: you seem very proud.

(From this point forward Newcomer will be addressed as Felon. It is proper etiquette, when in seedy dimly lit bars, to refer to known felons as Felon.)

Felon: I am proud!

(It was late, and all parties had been consuming alcohol, which is probably what spurred the string of inappropriate questions to follow.)

Another Idiot: what did you do?

(Awkward silence encompassed the next several moments. Without a response, Another Idiot decides to ask the most inappropriate question for the circumstance.)

Another Idiot: are you a sex offender?

Felon: no, I’m not a sex offender! I can get laid any time.

Idiotprufs: does that include your time in prison?

(The Felon glared at Idiotprufs with a dumb look on his face before averting all of his attention back to Another Idiot.)

Idiotprufs’ note: as it turned out, the dumb look on his face was just his face.

Felon: I can get girls any time. I bet I’ve had more girls than you ever have.

Another Idiot: you might be right.

Idiotprufs: just to clarify: you’ve had women or girls? Because one’s just creepy while the other is a felony.

Felon: I don’t even have to pay for it!

Another Idiot (looking at Idiotprufs): sex offender?

Idiotprufs (nodding in agreement): sex offender.

Felon: I’m not a sex offender; I was in for assault.

Another Idiot: so that’s his story.

Idiotrufs: I’m still wondering about the whole sex in prison thing.

Felon: I like to beat people up for fun. I could kick your ass! You want to fight?

Another Idiot: I’ll pass.

Felon: I love fighting, beating people up, kicking their ass because they’ve been disrespectful to me.

ugly face

An artist rendition of the Felon.

Another Idiot: I’m just drinking beer; you’re the ass who barged into my conversation.

Felon: Do you want to fight about it?

Another Idiot: so you’re proud of assaulting people?

Idiotprufs: your entire family must be very proud.

Felon (very agitated): we could fight right here!

It was at this point the bartender could sense the situation spiraling, and injected himself into the conversation. The situation was diffused after the bartender sternly whispered a few words to the Felon. The Felon backed off and relaxed a bit. He ignored us after that, apart from the occasional angry glare. The remainder of the night was uneventful.

Final Idiotprufs’ note: we may never know what the bartender said, but I’m willing to bet it was this: you idiot, you’ve just broken the first rule of Fight Club.

fight club

I thought he looked familiar.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
06 Dec 2014
41 Comments

Help Me Pick My Next Post Topic

Wile E. Coyote

Wile E. and I are kindred spirits.

Several months ago I was having a dream.

In this dream my uncle was trying to chop my face off with an ax. He was chasing me through the woods and he seemed very determined in his efforts. He seemed to be enjoying himself a great deal. He was reminiscent of Jack Torrance from The Shining, but much more disheveled and maniacal. As ax wielding maniacs go–he was good at it.

Why would my uncle be chasing me through the woods with an ax? He has issues…and an ax.

Note: if my uncle were to chase me through the woods with an ax, it wouldn’t be the worst thing he’s done to me. He’s a miserable backstabbing rat-bastard of a human being, and I’m sugar-coating it.

Jack Nicholson

Here’s Miserable Backstabbing Rat-Bastard.

Anyway, I awoke from the dream and had a brilliant idea for a blog post, it would be the single funniest blog post ever written.

I quickly jotted the idea down, lest I should forget, and went back to sleep.

The next morning I looked at what I had written: Bad Idea Fireman.

I had absolutely no clue what it meant. I had absolutely no clue what I was thinking when I wrote it down. I had nothing.

Was it a bad idea to become a fireman?

Was it a bad idea a fireman had?

Were firemen a bad idea in general? That seems unlikely unless I was alluding to the firemen in Ray Bradbury’s dystopic tale, Fahrenheit 451. A great book, but not really full of laughs.

It’ll come to me I thought.

It didn’t.

It still hasn’t months later, and I had forgotten about it until I stumbled upon it today in my drafts section.

Then I had a thought (it happens): my drafts section has become cluttered with half-written posts and neglected ideas; it’s time to change that.

Here’s a short list of some of the unfinished posts:

Why do Hillbillies Have Weird Faces?

This search term popped up on my stats page. It’s a compelling questioned that deserves an answer.

Why Sea-Monkeys are Better Than Your Cousins.

I’m not certain why this one wasn’t finished, it practically writes itself.

Don’t Say it to Your Boss.

I found a list of things not to say to your boss at a work relations website. The list was woefully inadequate; I could immediately think of a half dozen ill-advised things I’ve said to bosses, that weren’t on the list.

Where is Bigfoot and Why is He so Damned Hard to Find?

Answering this question would wipe out half of the programming on Animal Planet.

Bad Idea Fireman.

Your guess is as good as mine.

Vote for the post you want to see, or leave a comment, or do both.

Posted in funny, Humor, polls and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
23 Oct 2014
11 Comments

Loo review – City of Westminister “Loo of the year” award winner

I seldom reblog, but I feel this is more or less a public service announcement…if you happen to be in Westminster and you suddenly need the use of a public restroom.

Posted in Uncategorized
18 Jun 2014

Ask, Ask and Maybe We’ll Answer: Battle of the Pancake Syrups

The Nudge Wink Report has answered a burning question of mine with great skill and alacrity.

nudgeandwink's avatarnudge. wink. report.

Now that staff performance appraisals are done for another year, it’s time to move on to:

“Ask, Ask and Maybe We’ll Answer” here on NWR.

This week’s question comes from Larry in Pennsylvania, writer of the WordPress blog: idiotprufs. Larry, we’re happy you found your way to The Nudge Wink Report. We hope what’s about to happen doesn’t make you regret your decision to become a fan of NWR. And you are a fan.  Right?

Larry’s question is:

If Mrs. Butterworth and Aunt Jemima had a bare-knuckle boxing match, who would win?

Tom: Most people don’t know this, but “Mrs. Butterworth” and “Aunt Jemima” were actually ill-advised code names for famous cars. Sweet!

“Mrs. Butterworth,” obviously, was “The General Lee” from the hit TV show The Dukes of Hazzard. By process of elimination it’s then easy to deduce that “Aunt Jemima” was how Doc and…

View original post 905 more words

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment
03 Jun 2014
27 Comments

Fear Loathing and Rejection

fear loathing and sadnessA few weeks ago Becky of Becky Says Things asked her readers for blogging inspiration.

Since I’m constantly inspiring others to do things: sob uncontrollably, flee into the wilderness, punch a mime in the face, file restraining orders, stock up on pepper spray, change their names and disappear into the Bolivian mountains, eat green crayons and evaluate the futility of their lives, just to name a few; I decided to give it a go.

After an enormous amount of deep thought, at least five or six seconds worth, I came up with a topic that I thought to be pure blogging gold: bees and calligraphy.

I sat back and confidently waited for her post about bees and calligraphy and the awards and accolades that were certain to follow.

It never came. I was passed over in favor of music.

Despair.

As the days passed my sorrow deepened. The colors of life that had once been bright and vibrant now seemed dull and gray. I no longer enjoyed plays, movies or books. I especially couldn’t stand plays or movies based on books. (Except for The Shining, Jack Nicholson is an absolute treasure.)

Music was dead to me. (Except for Weird Al Yankovic, he is delightful.)

Food tasted like cardboard. Cardboard tasted like tapioca. Tapioca tasted like green crayons and green crayons tasted like forest green crayons. Tofu was oddly unchanged.

Even the one thing in the world that I loved more than anything, reruns of The Jersey Shore, couldn’t cheer me up. As I watched their fake tans, greased up hair and increasing levels if stupidity, I knew it was hysterical, but I just couldn’t laugh.

I found myself sitting in a darkened room, chugging Mad Dog 20/20 straight from the bottle, and writing really bad poetry about giraffes and other even-toed ungulates.

As I sat stewing in a combination of fear and loathing and other emotions that remind you of Hunter S. Thompson books, I had an epiphany. (Ooh, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is another movie based on a book, Johnny Depp is an absolute treasure and he’s delightful.)

The epiphany? I could write a post about bees and calligraphy.

I know what you’re thinking: there are so many reasons my post about bees and calligraphy wouldn’t be as entertaining as a post about bees and calligraphy written by Becky.

  1. Her blog is more popular than mine.
  2. She’s a better writer.
  3. I don’t have a suave and debonair spokesman like Stickman.
  4. When people tell her that her blog is funny, their voices aren’t dripping with sarcasm.
  5. She probably smells better than I do.
  6. She at least doesn’t smell like burnt toast.
  7. Why do I smell like burnt toast, that’s just weird.
  8. She’s never eaten crayons.
  9. She’s never fought a mime (I’m guessing.).
  10. She’s never been pepper sprayed.
  11. She’s never been pepper sprayed by a mime.
  12. She doesn’t fill her blog posts with tedious lists.

Regardless, the world needs bees and calligraphy, and I will give the world what it needs.

Next post: Bees and Calligraphy.

weird al

He is an absolute delight.

 

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , ,

Post Navigation

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →