idiotprufs

Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the tag “Wile E. Coyote”

Erie County Trick or Treat Safety Tips: Try Not to Be Eaten

covid halloween

Erie, Pa—The Erie County Health and Safety Department has released a set of safety tips for this year’s trick or treat season.

It is important that your children wear a mask while trick or treating. Whether the mask is a part of a costume or just a mask in general, be certain your child is wearing one. Remember this: most of your children ugly–some bordering on hideous–their faces should be covered.

Some trick or treating will occur during hours of darkness and you will be crossing streets and roadways, it is imperative that your children have high visibility. (Except for their faces–we don’t want to see their faces.)

Inevitably at some point in the night, you will come to one of those houses that are giving away pennies or walnuts or dental floss. It is at that juncture you will be required by law to egg that house. Raw eggs can be a source of salmonella, so be certain to take care.

In recent years there have been claims of roving bands of inbred cannibals out on the night of trick or treating, looking for a snack; those are wild and unfounded rumors. That being said–the cannibals will pick off a few kids. However, the likeliness of your child being taken by a cannibal is very low. Frankly, your child is far more likely to be taken by a coyote than a cannibal; those freakin’ coyotes are everywhere.

Should you make it through the night unscathed, (it happens) don’t allow your child to gorge themselves on candy. It can cause a myriad of health issues and it is important to note: the coyotes go after the weak ones first.

coyote cartoon
Had Wile E. Coyote plied the Roadrunner with candy, his fortunes may have been better.

Help Me Pick My Next Post Topic

Wile E. Coyote

Wile E. and I are kindred spirits.

Several months ago I was having a dream.

In this dream my uncle was trying to chop my face off with an ax. He was chasing me through the woods and he seemed very determined in his efforts. He seemed to be enjoying himself a great deal. He was reminiscent of Jack Torrance from The Shining, but much more disheveled and maniacal. As ax wielding maniacs go–he was good at it.

Why would my uncle be chasing me through the woods with an ax? He has issues…and an ax.

Note: if my uncle were to chase me through the woods with an ax, it wouldn’t be the worst thing he’s done to me. He’s a miserable backstabbing rat-bastard of a human being, and I’m sugar-coating it.

Jack Nicholson

Here’s Miserable Backstabbing Rat-Bastard.

Anyway, I awoke from the dream and had a brilliant idea for a blog post, it would be the single funniest blog post ever written.

I quickly jotted the idea down, lest I should forget, and went back to sleep.

The next morning I looked at what I had written: Bad Idea Fireman.

I had absolutely no clue what it meant. I had absolutely no clue what I was thinking when I wrote it down. I had nothing.

Was it a bad idea to become a fireman?

Was it a bad idea a fireman had?

Were firemen a bad idea in general? That seems unlikely unless I was alluding to the firemen in Ray Bradbury’s dystopic tale, Fahrenheit 451. A great book, but not really full of laughs.

It’ll come to me I thought.

It didn’t.

It still hasn’t months later, and I had forgotten about it until I stumbled upon it today in my drafts section.

Then I had a thought (it happens): my drafts section has become cluttered with half-written posts and neglected ideas; it’s time to change that.

Here’s a short list of some of the unfinished posts:

Why do Hillbillies Have Weird Faces?

This search term popped up on my stats page. It’s a compelling questioned that deserves an answer.

Why Sea-Monkeys are Better Than Your Cousins.

I’m not certain why this one wasn’t finished, it practically writes itself.

Don’t Say it to Your Boss.

I found a list of things not to say to your boss at a work relations website. The list was woefully inadequate; I could immediately think of a half dozen ill-advised things I’ve said to bosses, that weren’t on the list.

Where is Bigfoot and Why is He so Damned Hard to Find?

Answering this question would wipe out half of the programming on Animal Planet.

Bad Idea Fireman.

Your guess is as good as mine.

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