idiotprufs

Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

Fear Loathing and Rejection

fear loathing and sadnessA few weeks ago Becky of Becky Says Things asked her readers for blogging inspiration.

Since I’m constantly inspiring others to do things: sob uncontrollably, flee into the wilderness, punch a mime in the face, file restraining orders, stock up on pepper spray, change their names and disappear into the Bolivian mountains, eat green crayons and evaluate the futility of their lives, just to name a few; I decided to give it a go.

After an enormous amount of deep thought, at least five or six seconds worth, I came up with a topic that I thought to be pure blogging gold: bees and calligraphy.

I sat back and confidently waited for her post about bees and calligraphy, and the awards and accolades that were certain to follow.

It never came. I was passed over in favor of music.

Despair.

As the days passed my sorrow deepened. The colors of life that had once been bright and vibrant now seemed dull and gray. I no longer enjoyed plays, movies or books. I especially couldn’t stand plays or movies based on books. (Except for The Shining, Jack Nicholson is an absolute treasure.)

Music was dead to me. (Except for Weird Al Yankovic, he is delightful.)

Food tasted like cardboard. Cardboard tasted like tapioca. Tapioca tasted like green crayons and green crayons tasted like forest green crayons. Tofu was oddly unchanged.

Even the one thing in the world that I loved more than anything, reruns of The Jersey Shore, couldn’t cheer me up. As I watched their fake tans, greased up hair and increasing levels if stupidity, I knew it was hysterical, but I just couldn’t laugh.

I found myself sitting in a darkened room, chugging Mad Dog 20/20 straight from the bottle, and writing really bad poetry about giraffes and other even-toed ungulates.

As I sat stewing in a combination of fear and loathing and other emotions that remind you of Hunter S. Thompson books, I had an epiphany. (Ooh, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is another movie based on a book, Johnny Depp is an absolute treasure and he’s delightful.)

The epiphany? I could write a post about bees and calligraphy.

I know what you’re thinking: there are so many reasons why my post about bees and calligraphy wouldn’t be as entertaining as a post about bees and calligraphy written by Becky.

  1. Her blog is more popular than mine.
  2. She’s a better writer.
  3. I don’t have a suave and debonair spokesman like Stickman.
  4. When people tell her that her blog is funny, their voices aren’t dripping with sarcasm.
  5. She probably smells better than I do.
  6. She at least doesn’t smell like burnt toast.
  7. Why do I smell like burnt toast, that’s just weird.
  8. She’s never eaten crayons.
  9. She’s never fought a mime.
  10. She’s never been pepper sprayed.
  11. She’s never been pepper sprayed by a mime.
  12. She doesn’t fill her blog posts with tedious lists.

Regardless, the world needs bees and calligraphy, and I will give the world what it needs.

Next post: Bees and Calligraphy.

weird al

He is an absolute delight.

 

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27 thoughts on “Fear Loathing and Rejection

  1. Entertaining, absolutely. The odd thing is I can relate. I often try to help people, waiting for them to take hold of my idea and then be forever in my debt (or at least publicly thank me with praise, and if an attractive co-worker, hugs. Alas, it rarely comes to that.

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  2. I never knew there was a link between smelling good and good writing. I’ll have to try different perfumes. Thanks!

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  3. I suddenly feel inspired to eat a forest green crayon….. And a page of Shakespeare… With a honey garnish…
    *(dude)*

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  4. It could have been worse. You could have been writing really bad poetry about cameltoes…

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  5. That was SO cheating: MOST ungulates are even-toed. But I did learn, to my surprise, that Wikipedia has separate entries for the even- vs. odd-toed variety (!) and learned that a horse is considered an ungulate–Say it ain’t so, Miss Hooftoe!

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  6. I happen to like both tofu and tapioca so I’m thinking I ought to try cardboard since it is found in abundance in the wild.

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  7. You can’t go wrong with bees or calligraphy. Together, it will be a smash! Maybe Stickman will want to join in.

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  8. I love Weird Al, I love Becky’s blog, and I CAN’T WAIT to see what you come up with! Am sure it’s gonna be great!

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  9. That was just delightful to read.

    When it comes to fear and loathing, you forgot my favorite, smuggle yourself out of the country in a shipping container. I contemplate this one frequently, but so far I haven’t sold my husband on the idea on account of the fact that he’s like…sane.

    Being rational is a great handicap when it comes to fear and loathing, actually it’s also a great handicap when it comes to trying to function in the world, but that’s a whole other subject.

    I think when you do write about bees and calligraphy, you should really consider punching a mime in the face while playing some Weird Al Yankovic. That would definitely be inspiring.

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  10. That was just hilarious! (No sarcasm intended). 😉
    PS – I LOVE Weird Al, Fear and Loathing… and your take on Jersey Shore.

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