idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

08 Oct 2024
2 Comments

Perfect Pumpkins and Mary Jo’s Face

Autumn is upon you; there’s a crispness in the air, the birds are on their annual journey south, and your neighbor, Mary Jo, has already begun her ritual of blowing her fallen leaves into your yard.
Another important rite of fall is finding the perfect pumpkin to carve into a jack-o-lantern.
There are many things to look for when searching for the perfect pumpkin.
The pumpkin’s rind should be hard and leathery, much like your neighbor Mary Jo’s face.
It should have no cracks, cuts, or soft spots. 
You can test the rind by gently poking it with your fingernail or by shooting it with a crossbow.
As tempting as it may be, do not test Mary Jo’s face by poking it with your fingernail–she bites. Definitely do not, shoot her in the face with a crossbow; you’re not the type who would flourish in prison.
When your fingernail or the arrow hits the pumpkin, it should make a thunk as if it’s hollow–that’s the pumpkin you want.
Actually, you don’t want that pumpkin; you want the pumpkin next to it: some jackass shot that pumpkin with an arrow.
You also want to avoid weak or broken stems; you want to feel a firm, dark green stem. (Add your own filthy joke here.)
A traditional pumpkin will be a solid orange color from top to bottom.
You should look for a round-shaped pumpkin; they are easier to carve and have more seeds for roasting or spitting at people; both activities are fun.
It is optimal to find a pumpkin with a flat bottom. Pumpkins with flat bottoms are more stable and less likely to tip over when lit.
Mary Jo’s flat bottom has the opposite effect.
You should avoid pumpkins with dull or discolored areas on top, which can be evidence of frost damage.
It’s best to avoid pumpkins with small spots or blemishes, as they can indicate a bug infection.
It is astonishing how many of these steps also apply to your neighbor, Mary Jo.
Once you have chosen the perfect pumpkin, it is time to carve the jack-o-lantern.
It’s a good idea to make an outline of the design you want with a marker before carving. You can choose either a funny face or the traditional hideous, scary face.
Mary Jo’s face is a good template for the latter.
You’ll want to use a good-sized carving knife and make sure the blade is plenty sharp. At some point, you will cut your thumb off, and you want the cut to be as clean as possible so the doctors can reattach it without too much difficulty.
Some people like to carve their jack-o-lanterns outside due to the mess, but you may want to avoid carving the jack-o-lantern outdoors; a crow will steal your severed thumb.
Once you’ve finished your jack-o-lantern and cleaned up all the blood (if you are going for a scary jack-o-lantern, the blood spatter may enhance it), you need to find a prominent place to display your handiwork for all to see.
But you would do well to remember: within twenty minutes of placing your jack-o-lantern on your front porch, one of Mary Jo’s slack-jawed reprobate children will smash it in the street.

Posted in funny, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
10 Aug 2024
5 Comments

Two Birds With One Stone?

You told me you were going to kill two birds with one stone.

Why are you throwing stones at birds? And you’re not just throwing stones at these birds–you’re trying to kill them.

What did these birds ever do to you?

I’d have thought you learned your lesson about throwing stones back when you lived in that glass house.

Besides, throwing stones at birds has never worked out well for you in the past; do you remember the time at the family picnic when that crow crapped on your hotdog, and you threw a stone at it. You missed the crow and hit your Aunt Petunia in the forehead.

I’m sure she deserved to be hit in the forehead with a stone; she’s kind of a nightmare, and her potato salad is disgusting, but your family was still pretty angry with you.

If you can’t kill one bird with one stone, how in the world do you think you’ll kill two birds with one stone?

Physical coordination is not your strong suit. In fact, you don’t really have a strong suit; what you have are varying degrees of weaknesses.

Three of your biggest weaknesses are a terrible temper, poor decision-making, and really bad aim; that’s how your Aunt Petunia would end up with ten stitches in her forehead.

Now, your Aunt Petunia has a scar on her forehead, and your family will never let you live that down; the fact that the scar came out in the shape of a swastika was just bad luck.

Now people refer to her as Charlene Manson–I can’t express how angry your family is at you about that.

You’re clearly not a multitasker; you’re barely even a tasker. If I were you (thankfully, I’m not), I would stick to trying to accomplish one thing at a time.

Seriously, the next time a crow craps on your hotdog, just go get another hotdog. Hotdogs aren’t expensive; they’re way cheaper than the plastic surgery your Aunt Petunia needs to get that swastica off her forehead.

Addendum: On a positive note, the blow to your Aunt Petunia’s head made her forget the recipe for her potato salad; you should get some credit for that.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , ,
09 Aug 2024
1 Comment

Equity For Wolves In Storytelling

Fairytale Land–The wolf community has united in protest against what they perceive as the negative portrayal they receive in fables and fairytales. We have interviewed Mr. Bartholomew Wolf, spokeswolf for The Equity For Wolves In Storytelling, about the situation.

Mr. Wolf: Just look at the end of The Three Little Pigs. The three little pigs boil the wolf in oil, and nobody sheds a tear. In fact, everybody cheers. Just think about how that story begins, they label him as ‘the big bad wolf,’ it’s highly prejudicial. That wolf’s name was Poindexter; he was one of a litter of six, and he had to overcome a stuttering problem as a child–they didn’t tell you that in the fable!

Idiotpruf: When he was boiled in oil, Poindexter was climbing down the chimney to eat the pigs.

Mr. Wolf: What? You’ve never had bacon? You probably had a nice ham dinner last Sunday; I’ll bet no one tried to boil you in oil.

Idiotpruf: Actually, I had vegan tacos.

Mr. Wolf: Really?

Idiotpruf: No. I was joking; vegan tacos are disgusting. But Poindexter wasn’t just trying to eat the three little pigs, he also destroyed the homes of the first two little pigs with his breath.

Mr. Wolf: That’s the most ridiculous part of the story; most wolves smoke two packs a day and couldn’t blow the seeds off a dandelion, let alone destroy a house with their breath.

Idiotpruf: Why do you think there are so many stories where the villain is a wolf: The Three Little Pigs, The Wolf and the Fox, The Wolf and the Seven Young Kids, and Little Red Riding Hood, just to name a few?

Mr. Wolf: I don’t know. Wolves are just like every other woodland creature; we have hopes, dreams, and fears like any denizen of the forest.

Idiotpruf: You do, on occasion, devour your fellow denizens of the forest.

Mr. Wolf: We’re very upfront about that. Besides, if you focus on one negative thing, you can make anything seem bad. Most of the animals in the forest have annoying traits: rabbits are noisy chewers, squirrels smell horrible when they’re wet, and tree frogs are horribly smug.

Idiotpruf: I wouldn’t have guessed that about tree frogs.

Mr. Wolf: That’s because tree frogs have no reason to be smug–they just are.

Idiotpruf: In Little Red Riding Hood, the wolf eats the poor girl’s grandmother.

Mr. Wolf: Little Red Riding Hood is a prime example of how these stories get it wrong about wolves; any self-respecting wolf would never eat the grandmother first; grandmothers are all sinewy and gristle, and they taste like linament.”

Idiotpruf: The story suggests that the wolf ate the grandmother first so he could take her place and fool Little Red Riding Hood so that he could then, in turn, eat her.

Mr. Wolf: What does it say about Little Red Riding Hood that she couldn’t readily tell the difference between her grandmother and a wolf–quite frankly, it’s insulting to the wolf.

Idiotpruf: So you’d be okay with the story if the wolf ate Little Red Riding Hood First?

Mr. Wolf: At least it would make more sense.

Idiotpruf: Just for clarification, as a wolf, you’re okay with the eating of the little girl?

Mr. Wolf: Of course, we’d eat the little girl, I mean, we’re freakin’ wolves.

The interview ended abruptly after that, and Mr. Bartholomew Wolf was stripped of his title as the spokesperson for The Equity For Wolves In Storytelling.

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs and tagged , , , , ,
26 Jul 2024
2 Comments

One Shovel a Myriad of Uses

Have you ever noticed how an object can have more than one use?
Take, for instance, a standard shovel. You could use a shovel to dig a hole; you could also use it to smash an ugly porcelain frog into a thousand tiny pieces.
Two completely different uses.
You could then use your shovel to bury the thousand tiny pieces of the porcelain frog in the hole that you have already dug, preferably before your neighbor discovers what you’ve done to his porcelain frog.
Let’s be honest: if your neighbor didn’t want his frog smashed into a thousand tiny pieces, he shouldn’t have bought a frog that was so ridiculously ugly and made of fragile material like porcelain; he might as well have put a sign next to it that read: please smash me, I’m ugly and fragile, and I don’t deserve to exist.
On second thought, there could be confusion if your neighbor happened to be standing next to the sign; that sign could be readily misinterpreted; your neighbor is also ugly and fragile.
Also, your neighbor’s personality is such that it wouldn’t take much of a nudge to push a person from the mere impulse of violence to a case of full-blown assault.You, of course, limited your aggression to the porcelain frog–for now.
As luck would have it when you dug the hole earlier in the day, you had no plans for it; you just dug the hole out of the sheer enjoyment of digging a hole. Then you saw the porcelain frog, and the whole thing just came together.
When your neighbor accuses you of smashing his porcelain frog and burying it in your backyard, you can tell him to go ahead and see for himself because you have the perfect hole-digging implement for such a task. Of course, you had the foresight to bury an active landmine next to the dispatched porcelain frog; you were on a hole-digging spree.
“Go dig it up,” you’ll urge him. “You have a 50/50 chance of not being blown to hell.” Then, you will laugh manically as he angrily trudges back into his house in an act of total defeat. Unless he’s going inside to call the authorities, the second of those two possibilities is probably more likely. Ugly, fragile people have the tendency to tattle.
You could use the shovel to bolt your door before the ATF arrives in preparation for the inevitable stand-off; you are getting a ton of positive use out of your shovel today. 

Do you see all the different uses there are for a common shovel?

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
22 Jun 2024
2 Comments

Four-Way Nightmare

As you drive down the road, you begin to feel a queasiness in your stomach. You don’t know what is causing this feeling, but you know something is out there, looming in the distance.

The farther you travel, the uneasiness transitions to a feeling of impending doom.

Then you see it.

That queasiness in your stomach constricts into a tight knot. Your heart pounds. Tendrils of fear speed down your spine.

Your palms dampen, and beads of sweat build on your forehead.

You are bearing down on a four-way stop in rural Pennsylvania.

The 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania is the Bermuda Triangle of the driving world. The gauges in your vehicle begin to malfunction, and the laws of physics falter.

You become disoriented as a form of temporary stupidity sets in–on occasion, the stupidity is permanent. 

The rules of polite society crumble into chaos.

Despite the evidence, there is a distinct set of rules to follow when approaching a 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania:

  1. Prepare your insurance information before you get to the intersection in anticipation of the inevitable collision.
  2. Ease your way toward the intersection, displaying cautious trepidation.
  3. Make eye contact with the other motorists, looking for signs of fear and weakness.
  4. Identify the motorist displaying the most fear and weakness; he has the right of way.
  5. Wait for the motorist who has the right of way to go.
  6. Realize by his dull, lifeless eyes, the driver with the right of way has no clue he has the right of way. (You’re not sure if he knows he’s driving.)
  7. Sigh disgustedly when nobody goes.
  8. Spend several interminable moments as all four motorists gawk numbly at each other.
  9. Disgustedly pull into the intersection.
  10. Slam on the brakes after all four motorists have pulled into the intersection simultaneously.
  11. Slowly put your vehicle in reverse as you suspiciously eye the other motorists.
  12. Exclaim, “What the hell is wrong with these idiots,” when, again, nobody goes.
  13. Decide you’ve had enough and floor it.
  14. Push the airbag away from your face as it deflates.
  15. Marvel at the 4 car collision you’ve just been a part of.
  16. Curse loudly…or at least as loudly as you can with a broken jaw.

The following warning sign should be before every 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania:

Amelia Earhart didn’t disappear over the Bermuda Triangle; she’s at a 4-way stop outside of Erie, Pennsylvania, shaking her fist at a bunch of idiots.

Addendum: On occasion, in rural Pennsylvania, one of the conveyances at the four-way stop will be an Amish buggy. If that is the case, be prepared to be flipped off by an angry Amish dude and bitten by a horse.

Posted in erie, funny, lists and tagged , , , , , , ,
12 Jun 2024
4 Comments

Is This the Apocalypse?

I recently came across a couple of news stories that are a cause for concern in the New York area.
And no, I’m not referring to the story about the increasing problem of obesity in New York City rats. Obesity has long been a problem with the rats of New York City; it’s nothing new.
To be honest, the biggest problem with the rats of New York City is how insufferably rude they are.
The story I’m talking about is the one about the giant venomous spiders that are heading up the East Coast; they have a four-inch leg span and the ability to fly.
No spider should have a four-inch leg span.
No spider should have the ability to fly.
Certainly, no spider that doesn’t come from the brain of Stephen King should possess both traits.
The New Jersey Pest Control has warned: it is a matter of when, not if, they travel up the coast. They are called the Joro Spider, and while they aren’t as rude as those fatass rats from New York City, they are still freaky.
The second story is about the first known case of a sexually transmitted form of ringworm in the United States.
The highly contagious fungal skin infection is a rare manifestation of dermatophytosis affecting the genitals and pubic region.
Of all the regions to be affected by a highly contagious fungal skin infection, the genital and pubic region is probably the worst.
A New York City man has been identified with the infection.
Who has time to worry about infections in their pubic region when the air is thick with flying spiders?
Is this the beginning of the apocalypse? Even the ten plagues of Egypt didn’t have flying spiders.
Luckily, I live in western New York far from New York City; the worst thing we have to deal with is deer ticks. Deer ticks are nasty, but at least they can’t fly, they aren’t sexually transmitted, and they tend not to be churlish.
To be fair, deer ticks have very little personality at all.
I’m not sure if this signifies the end of the world, but my advice for you is to stay vigilant and probably to avoid New York City.

Posted in funny, health, Jamestown, NY and tagged , , , , , , , ,
01 May 2024
2 Comments

Critical Thinking?

I recently heard you say that you are your own worst critic.

You clearly have no idea what people are saying behind your back. 

You seem not to grasp what people are saying to your face.

In fact, you are far more pleased with yourself than the facts or the opinions of others justify.

It may be that you don’t understand what the word repugnant means; when a person uses the word repugnant to describe you, it is not positive.

Nor is the term maximum-repugnaciousness.

Maximum-repugnaciousness is a made-up word. 

People are coining new derogatory phrases to describe you.

It’s not good when the breadth of the English language doesn’t contain enough pejorative terms to adequately describe your horribleness.

Let’s look at the definition of the word repugnant:

Adjective

distasteful, objectionable, or offensive:

a repugnant smell.

making opposition; averse.

opposed or contrary, as in nature or character.

When your name crops up in the same sentence as words like repugnant, distasteful, objectional, offensive, malodorous, repulsive, vomit-inducing, or crap-for-brains, you shouldn’t take it as an affirmation.

Regardless of how often you’ve been referred to as crap-for-brains, you never seem to take it as an insult.

Why do you think most people don’t describe Albert Einstein as that crap-for-brains patent clerk who eventually did something smart?

It would take a person with crap-for-brains to say something like that about Albert Einstein. 

Do you remember the time you said that about Albert Einstein?

It’s difficult to determine who your worst critic genuinely is, as your critics are widespread and vociferous in their criticism of you.

I know a person who met you once and claims it was the worst day of his life. He was a 100-year-old man who survived the Hindenburg.

A giant ball of burning hydrogen is more palatable than making your acquaintance.

I guess my point is that your critics are voluminous and well-deserved.

You’re probably reading this right now, chuckling to yourself, and thinking: I wonder who this is about.

You repugnant crap-for-brains.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , ,
10 Apr 2024
2 Comments

Erie to Fight Deer Population With Hyenas

Erie, PA–At a recent city council meeting, residents expressed their growing concerns over the city’s increasing deer population.
It seems the deer are everywhere: in the streets, in people’s backyards, and even occasionally encroaching on private residences. “I was sitting in my bathroom doing my business and reading the most recent copy of Weak-bladders Monthly when a deer burst through the door and bit me in the forehead…now I have Lyme disease,” Sam Rizzo, a resident, told the council.
When a council member pointed out to Mr. Rizzo that that’s not how Lyme disease is spread, Mr. Rizzo bit the council member in the forehead, and now they both have Lyme Disease.
“The deer are everywhere,” resident Ron Smith said at the meeting, “I was carrying a case of beer into my house when I slipped in a pile of deer crap and fell. All but four of the bottles broke–how am I supposed to get drunk now? Also, I think Sam just peed himself.”
“There’s no simple solution,” a council member stated. “We were hoping the already present gunfire that occurs randomly within city limits would pick off some of the deer, but that has proved unfruitful.”
After much deliberation, the city council has decided to release packs of hyenas randomly around the city.
When pressed about the potential danger of having hyenas prowling the streets, Health Director Philip Weedly had the following response. “Sure, some of our slower citizens will likely be picked off by the hyenas, but let’s be honest, it might just force our citizenry to get in better shape.”
The motion to release the hyenas was passed unanimously.
It was also brought up that it may be best to keep your pets inside for the foreseeable future.

Posted in erie, funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
05 Apr 2024
2 Comments

It Happened!

It has finally happened!
After years of hoping and dreaming, waiting in anticipation, barely daring to believe it could come true, it is here.
As I type this, I am struggling to see through the tears of joy streaming from my eyes.
What is the joyous occasion?
Have my testicles finally descended?
They did descend briefly, didn’t like what they saw, and reascended, but that’s a topic for a different day.
This blog has finally received a pageview from the great nation of Greenland.
After receiving over 131,000 pageviews from 180 different countries and regions, Greenland has finally decided to make an appearance.


This blog has gotten two page views from a place labeled as Unkown Region. I’m pretty sure that’s Mordor.
I’ve gotten two pageviews from Andorra; isn’t that where Ewoks live?
I’ve always felt like Ewoks would get my sense of humor.
Two more page views have come from the Caribbean Netherlands. Since when have the Netherlands been in the Caribbean? I am so confused.
I’ve received four page views from St. Kitts and Nevis, and that is clearly a made-up name; that’s like getting four page views from Narnia.
I’m not sure why Greenland took so long to get here; there’s nothing in Greenland except ice and walruses. I mean, there isn’t a lot to do.
That being said–we are happy to have you here, Greenland.


Addendum: As I write this, my joy has been slightly tempered by the realization that I have yet to receive a pageview from Transylvania.
I know you’re busy fighting vampires, but let’s be honest, since the Twilight movies, vampires have become pretty sissy.
Let’s get on it, Transylvania.

Posted in funny, inspirational and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
26 Mar 2024
2 Comments

Vending Machines vs. Sharks

So, I recently read that vending machines are responsible for more deaths annually in the U.S. than shark attacks.

Who would have thought vending machines that are more deadly than sharks?

Sharks are terrifying with their rows of razor-sharp teeth, their dead, emotionless eyes, and that creepy music from Jaws that plays every time they get near you. 

Steven Speilberg didn’t make a movie about vending machines killing people on an idyllic resort island.

(But if he had, I’m sure it would have been awesome.)

This is horrible news; I had no idea I was putting my life in danger every time I purchased a bag of cheese puffs.

I knew I would get that orange dust all over my fingers and stuck in my teeth, but that was a risk I was willing to take.

To be fair, if you live in a place like Idaho, you’re far more likely to fall prey to a vending machine than a shark.

The transfats in the cheese puffs will likely take you out before a shark attack will.

You would have to be astronomically unlucky to die of a shark attack in Idaho.

Realistically, if you stay at least ten feet from the ocean, you should be relatively safe from a shark attack.

Vending machines, by contrast, are everywhere–especially in Idaho.

The vast majority of vending machine deaths occur when a purchased item becomes stuck in the machine. The purchaser attempts to dislodge the item by tilting or shaking the vending machine, causing the vending machine to fall on them and crush them.

A small minority of vending machine deaths occur when a person laughs so hysterically that they have a heart attack after they have witnessed a dumbass co-worker tip a vending machine on themself.

People who die in vending machine accidents tend to be people who are physically aggressive and quick to anger.

People who die in a shark attack tend to be people who are vacationing from Idaho, and they thought surfing looked fun, so they decided to try it; it’s safer than a vending machine, they thought.

Dying because a vending machine fell on you has to be mortifying in the afterlife. 

First Dead Person: So, how did you die?

Second Dead Person: I died storming the beaches of Normandy to free Europe from the oppressive boot of the Nazi war machine. How about you?

First Dead Person: My bag of cheese puffs got caught in the little spirally thing in a vending machine. I was really hungry. I’m from Idaho.

I would suggest if you are physically aggressive and quick to anger, you would do well to avoid vending machines. 

Go surfing, that might be fun.

Posted in funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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