idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the category “Jamestown, NY”

12 Oct 2025
2 Comments

Minotaur Banned by Eatery

A Minotaur has been temporarily banned from a local restaurant after a fracas with a busboy. The unfortunate incident occurred at The Labryinth Eatery located on West Daedalus Avenue in the city square.

“I had just cleared the table, wiped it down, and I had turned to head back into the kitchen when I felt this horrible pain,” the busboy told us.

“Yeah, I gored him in the ass,” the Minotaur admitted. “But he shouldn’t have been waving that red cape around.”

“He wasn’t waving a red cape around,” the owner, Miss Pasiphae, said disgustedly, “Our color scheme here is Red and Taupe, and the dishrags used by our staff just happen to be red.”

“That busboy got off lucky,” the Minotaur retorted, “in the old days, I would have stomped him to death and eaten him.” He then paused and reflected before adding, “Taupe is a stupid color.”

It seems the occurrence has caused a dip in business at the Labyrinth Eatery. “Shockingly, most people don’t find a goring to be part of a pleasant dining experience.” Miss Pasiphae explained.

One customer who was present at the time had this to say, “Have you ever tried to eat a cheeseburger with a minotaur sitting at the next table? It is wildly uncomfortable.”

When pressed on why the ban was only temporary, Miss Pasiphae offered an explanation. “It’s best not to piss off Aphrodite–goddess of love, my ass.”

“I probably won’t go in there again anyway,” the Minotaur stated. “It’s entirely too bright and cheery in there; that has not been my experience with Labyrinths.”

Posted in funny, Humor, Jamestown, NY, mythology and tagged , ,
18 Jan 2025
2 Comments

Dante’s Inferno Vacation

Jamestown, NY–When Virgil and Beatrice, an unassuming couple from a small city in Western New York, booked a vacation package through Dante’s Travel Agency, they were anticipating a needed injection of excitement into their life, a break from the humdrum.

“We purchased the Inferno package,” Beatrice explained, “it seemed like it would be fiery and exhilarating.”

The vacation they got was not what they anticipated.

“Our vacation started at a spot the brochure referred to as The First Circle of Hell; that’s a colorful name, I thought to myself; this ought to be fun.” Beatrice solemnly shook her head before adding, “I was mistaken.”

To the couple’s dismay, they discovered their vacation consisted of nine days of going from one circle of Hell to progressively worse circles of Hell.

“Tomorrow will be better, we kept telling ourselves, but it never was,” Beatrice told us. “The brochure promised interaction with famous people,” she continued with a scowl on her face, “but Judas, Hitler, and Ted Bundy are not the best dinner companions.”

“Hitler slurps his soup,” Virgil added.

Beatrice went on to describe how the ninth and final day of the vacation was the most distressing: “We had this big meet and greet with Satan himself,” she said. “He was loud and obnoxious, and he wreaked of burning flesh and sulfur…and he just wouldn’t shut up about how telemarketing was all his idea.”

“We were looking for tropical drinks with umbrellas and seaside barbeques,” Virgil added as he trembled, “not for lost human souls writhing in torment and agony by a lake of fire.” 

“This has all been very hard on Virgil,” Beatrice explained. “He’s very sensitive; he has the heart of a poet.” 

When asked what they planned to do now, Beatrice replied, “We’re just going to go home and get some sleep; it was impossible to get even a wink with all three of Cerberus’ heads barking incessantly every night.”

Posted in Humor, Jamestown, NY and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
12 Jun 2024
4 Comments

Is This the Apocalypse?

I recently came across a couple of news stories that are a cause for concern in the New York area.
And no, I’m not referring to the story about the increasing problem of obesity in New York City rats. Obesity has long been a problem with the rats of New York City; it’s nothing new.
To be honest, the biggest problem with the rats of New York City is how insufferably rude they are.
The story I’m talking about is the one about the giant venomous spiders that are heading up the East Coast; they have a four-inch leg span and the ability to fly.
No spider should have a four-inch leg span.
No spider should have the ability to fly.
Certainly, no spider that doesn’t come from the brain of Stephen King should possess both traits.
The New Jersey Pest Control has warned: it is a matter of when, not if, they travel up the coast. They are called the Joro Spider, and while they aren’t as rude as those fatass rats from New York City, they are still freaky.
The second story is about the first known case of a sexually transmitted form of ringworm in the United States.
The highly contagious fungal skin infection is a rare manifestation of dermatophytosis affecting the genitals and pubic region.
Of all the regions to be affected by a highly contagious fungal skin infection, the genital and pubic region is probably the worst.
A New York City man has been identified with the infection.
Who has time to worry about infections in their pubic region when the air is thick with flying spiders?
Is this the beginning of the apocalypse? Even the ten plagues of Egypt didn’t have flying spiders.
Luckily, I live in western New York far from New York City; the worst thing we have to deal with is deer ticks. Deer ticks are nasty, but at least they can’t fly, they aren’t sexually transmitted, and they tend not to be churlish.
To be fair, deer ticks have very little personality at all.
I’m not sure if this signifies the end of the world, but my advice for you is to stay vigilant and probably to avoid New York City.

Posted in funny, health, Jamestown, NY and tagged , , , , , , , ,
02 Jan 2023
6 Comments

2023 and a Bongo Antelope

I’ve decided to start the new year out on a positive note. I want to set the tone for the next twelve months as we begin this fresh trip around the sun. (Sorry flat Earthers.)

I believe I’ve come up with the perfect way to christen the year 2023: a plan to destroy my worst enemy.

You may think that’s not starting the year out on a positive note–it’s positive for me!

My plan is nearly perfect; all I need are four honey badgers, a bucket of semi-rotted boysenberries, five sheets of 60-grain sandpaper, an ostrich egg, one pack of double-sided tape, a small number of dung balls gathered by Egyptian dung beetles, yak vomit–copious amounts, a calligraphy pen with parchment, a bongo antelope, and two double cheeseburgers with bacon.

You may think this list is long and ridiculous, but the two double cheeseburgers with bacon have nothing to do with the plan to destroy my worst enemy–formulating a plan to destroy your worst enemy really works up an appetite.

I have run into one small hitch with my plan: it seems bongo antelopes are hard to come by; some nonsense about them being endangered.

I tried the Buffalo zoo, but they don’t even have a bongo antelope…why even have a zoo!

The Bronx zoo does have a bongo antelope, but they were very noncommittal about letting me rent it.

When Trish at the Bronx zoo answers the phone and says: how may I help you–those are just empty words; she doesn’t really want to help you.

It was suggested to me that I substitute the bongo antelope with a deer, which are everywhere where I live in Jamestown, New York. There was one literally taking a crap in my backyard the other day.

I want you to read the following sentences and decide for yourself which one is better.

  1. And then he was kicked in the nuts by a deer.
  2. And then he was kicked in the nuts by a bongo antelope.

See what I mean?

A major factor in any plan to destroy your worst enemy is the ability to tell and retell the story in the most humorous and humiliating way possible.

I’m going to keep working on this problem because I am a responsible and mentally stable person, regardless of what Trish at the Bronx zoo thinks.

I will keep you posted on my progress.

bongo antelope
Bongo antelopes: the perfect animal to kick your worst enemy in the nuts.
Posted in funny, Humor, Jamestown, NY and tagged , , , , ,
17 Jul 2022
2 Comments

I Would Wish That on My Worst Enemy

Imagine you’re listening to the following story:

So Ron was just standing there, and suddenly this llama bursts out of the brush, ran right past the whole group of us, and bit Ron on the testicles. It was like the llama singled him out. I mean, Ron is a giant prick, but how would the llama know that?

Now the llama is just shaking Ron by his crotch, and Ron is screeching in agony because that llama had some nasty jagged teeth. So then the llama lets go of Ron’s crotch, and it turns around really quickly, so we’re all thinking it’s over and the llama’s just going to run away, but instead, it kicks Ron in the face. Now Ron has nasty jagged teeth too.

At this point, Ron’s just lying there on the ground in a crumpled, whimpering mass, and the llama stands over him and pees on him. Then the llama just gallops away and back into the brush like it’s proud of itself.

Then someone exclaims, “holy shit, why is there even a llama running around Jamestown, New York?”

The person punctuates the story by saying, “I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.”

But you’re thinking to yourself: I would definitely wish that on my worst enemy. I’m a little bit happy it happened to Ron.

You giggle a bit as you imagine it happening to your worst enemy.

Then you start to think: I wonder if I could find that same llama and make it happen to my worst enemy.

It can’t be that hard to find: a stray llama in Jamestown, New York.

Then you start wondering why the word llama is spelled with two l’s at the beginning, but you quickly refocus to planning a llama attack upon your worst enemy.

You could record it and put it on YouTube; that would be awesome! Now you’re starting to get a little excited at the prospect of your worst enemy being the victim of a vicious llama attack.

You realize there’s almost nothing you wouldn’t wish upon your worst enemy.

You’ve wished bad things on people who mildly annoy you. Like that time you got stuck on an elevator with that mime; no invisible wall will stop a kick to the face from a llama, you stupid mime.

You giggle a little, imagining it.

You start wondering if the whole llama thing with Ron wasn’t planned all along; Ron really is a prick.

Now you’re wondering if you’re a terrible person.

Then you stop wondering things because you’ve got a llama to find.

elephants
You couldn’t find the llama, but this will do.
Posted in funny, Humor, Jamestown, NY and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
12 Jul 2022
2 Comments

The Future of Policing (Fingers Crossed)

I recently happened upon this story at metro.co.uk about a citizen in Los Angeles who witnessed a brawl that was breaking out and tried to report it to a robot police officer:

image source: usaherald.com

“Cogo Guebara rushed over to the motorized police officer and pushed its emergency alert button on seeing the brawl break out in Salt Lake Park, Los Angeles, last month.

But instead of offering assistance, the egg-shaped robot, whose official name is HP RoboCop, barked at Guebara to ‘Step out of the way’.

To add insult to injury, the high-tech device then rolled away while humming an ‘intergalactic tune’, pausing periodically to say ‘Please keep the park clean.’”

Isn’t that awesome?

The person who programmed the robot is either tragically incompetent or a genius.

I choose to believe that person is a genius.

I have no idea what ‘intergalactic tune’ the robot was humming. I can only hope it was the theme song from Cops: “bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?”

Commit their crimes around HP Robocop, that’s what bad boys are gonna do.

HP Robocop is going to ignore the crime being committed and tase the concerned citizen reporting the crime. I envision the concerned citizen lying on the ground in puddle of their own drool and urine as HP Robocop rolls away humming the tune to Shock the Monkey.

At least that’s my hope.

Do I actually hope an innocent person gets tased?

Yes. Yes I do.

I’m only assuming HP Robocop is armed with a taser, but I don’t want to live in a world where HP Robocop isn’t armed with a taser. I also hope he’s programmed to aim for the groin.

There have also been reports of a second HP Robocop running into a child and a third HP Robocop falling into a fountain.

It just keeps getting better!

We need armies of HP Robocops in every community.

After scouring the local news reports here in Jamestown, NY, I found exactly zero stories about a child being runover by a robot or about a robot falling into a fountain.

I didn’t find a single story involving a robot police officer tasing someone in the groin.

It’s like I’m living in a third world country.

I just watched the latest press conference with Governor Hochul: there wasn’t a single mention of HP Robocop, it was just a big wad of useless political gibberish.

The Governor is wasting all this time on gun control when she could be bringing us HP Robocop.

Priorities!

Sure, HP Robocop probably wouldn’t stop any crime and he might even exacerbate the crime, but that’s a chance I’m willing to take.

It’s time to get a ballot initiative going.

It’s time to bring HP Robocop to every community.

Posted in funny, Humor, Jamestown, NY and tagged , , , , , ,
14 Jan 2022
2 Comments

Lucy, Lucy, and Me

So the other day I was in Lucille Ball Memorial Park in Celoron, NY, and I took a picture of the statue of Lucy and posted it on Facebook.

But as the days passed, I felt a niggling. A tiny creeping feeling of guilt.

Then it occurred to me: the source of this feeling was that there are two Lucys in Lucille Ball Memorial Park, and I had completely ignored one of them.

One of the Lucy statues is far more popular than the other.

l love lucy
The popular Lucy: isn’t she lovely?

I wondered what caused me to totally ignore the less popular Lucy.

Am I just a shallow self-centered jerk? Of course I am–but I don’t think that was reason for my callous dismissal of the other Lucy.

Maybe it was time for some introspection. Maybe it was time I delved into the deepest recesses of my brain to find out what’s going on in there.

So that’s what I did.

Honestly, it more than a little unsettling…there were way more spiders in there than I would have anticipated.

I came to realization that I have far more in common with the unpopular Lucy than I would like to admit.

Scary lucy

The less popular Lucy.
  • She’s clearly drunk on Vitameatavegamin.
  • Her face is contorted in a weird way that frightens people.
  • At the sight of her, small children weep and flee into wilderness.
  • When birds crap on her, people don’t care so much.
  • She’s referred to as “Scary” Lucy. I’m referred to as “That Prick” Larry.
  • People complained about her until she was replaced with something better.

I’m practically living her life!

What Should I do about this revelation?

I can either buckle down and focus on making changes to better myself, or I can avoid Lucille Ball Memorial Park.

I guess I’ll be seeing less of the park.

Posted in funny, Jamestown, NY, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , ,

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