idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the category “History”

04 Apr 2025
2 Comments

International Carrot Day

I don’t want you to get too excited, but today is International Carrot Day.

That’s right. An entire day to celebrate everything about carrots.

Frankly, it may not be enough time

Here are a few quick facts about the carrot.

  • Carrots were originally multi-colored until Dutch farmers crossbred yellow and red carrots to create the now-familiar orange carrot in the 1600s. (Only slightly more critical than the Dutch idea that your date pays for their own meal.)
  • It’s a myth that carrots help you to see better in the dark. It’s radioactive carrots that help you see better in the dark…provided you don’t die from radiation poisoning.
  • This myth was created by the British during World War II to conceal the fact that their pilots were using newly developed radar. I think the truth is they got their hands on some radioactive carrots.
  • Having carrot cake for a snack allows you to pretend you’re having a healthy snack.
  • When eating a carrot, it’s fun to repeatedly say, “What’s up, doc,” and pretend that you are Bugs Bunny.
  • 1st-century Greek physician Dioscorides wrote in his 1st-century pharmacopeia of herbs and medicines, De Materia Medica, that “the root of the carrot can be cooked and eaten.” Man, those Greeks were on top of their shit.
  • Maybe the most crucial fact: a carrot is a perfect thing to use to make a snowman’s nose and, if you’re so inclined, a snowman’s penis.

So go out there today and celebrate International Carrot Day by having yourself a fistful of carrots, but try to avoid radioactive carrots; they will genuinely make your hair fall out.

Posted in funny, health, History, Humor, lists and tagged , , , , ,
08 Mar 2025
2 Comments

It’s International Fanny Pack Day

We call it a fanny pack in America. It is also known as a waist wallet, belt bag, belly bag, chaos pouch, buffalo pouch, hip sack, butt pack, and moon bag.
(Personally, I would avoid using the phrase butt pack, but that’s just me.)
I think I can write without fear of hyperbole; the fanny pack is the greatest invention in the history of the world.
I know that the dude who invented the wheel was pretty full of himself about it, but that guy didn’t even have indoor plumbing–invent that, buddy.
Fanny packs are stylish and filled with utility; in France, where they’re known as a sac banane, you can fill them with rocks and beat mimes with them.
I believe every man, woman, and child should be adorned with a fanny pack; I also believe there is a cabal of evil mimes bent on world domination, but that’s a separate issue.
In the past, there has been a stigma toward men who wear fanny packs, but think of the useful things men can carry in a fanny pack: a phone, car keys, protein bars, a wallet, and, since they’re not using them, their testicles.
So, let’s all take a moment to celebrate International Fanny Pack Day.

Posted in funny, History, Humor and tagged , , , , , ,
18 Feb 2025
2 Comments

It’s National Pluto Day!

I woke up today in a state of pure joy and anticipation.
What was the impetus for this intense state of excitement?
Did I get a big promotion at work?
Not with my work ethic.
Did that pretty woman I asked on a date agree to go out with me?
I never got a definitive answer; by the time I’d wiped the pepper spray from my eyes, she was gone.
Did my order of Sea-Monkeys finally come in?
Are you crazy–I’m not Sea-Monkey excited.
Today is National Pluto Day.
An entire day to soak in the greatness of that loveable cartoon dog.
It is a little weird that he’s a dog owned by a mouse, but that aside, Pluto has brought joy to audiences for nearly a century.
I decorated extensively in preparation (balloons), but then I discovered National Pluto Day pertains to the dwarf planet Pluto and not the beloved animated pet.
I must admit that I was disappointed; Pluto isn’t even a proper planet anymore.
I wish my Sea-Monkeys had come today.
But then I rebounded; so what if Pluto isn’t a full planet anymore? I could still celebrate its existence.
Pluto was named after the Roman god of the underworld; that’s interesting, right?
Its existence was surmised in the late 19th century by observing perturbations in the orbit of Uranus. (Insert your own joke here.)
Visual confirmation of Pluto was made in 1930, and it subsequently became our solar system’s ninth planet.
However, in later years, many other objects were discovered orbiting in the same volume as Pluto, indicating that Pluto is part of a group called the Kuiper belt.
(Not to be confused by the belt worn by longtime major league infielder and broadcaster Duane Kuiper; they’re two different things.)
In 2006, Pluto lost its status as a planet and was reclassified as a dwarf planter; it’s all very sad.
On a more positive note, today is also National Flirting Day, so see if you can’t do something with that.

Posted in funny, History, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
21 Dec 2024
3 Comments

This Christmas Give the Gift of the Rutabaga

rutabaga

It’s Christmastime again: the perfect opportunity to brighten the spirits of a loved one with the gift of the rutabaga.

What’s so special about the rutabaga, you may ponder–what isn’t so special about the rutabaga is my response.

  • They can be roasted.
  • They can be baked.
  • They can be boiled as a flavor enhancer in soups.
  • They can be boiled as a flavour enhancer in soups in Great Britain. (You wouldn’t believe how much tastier the soup is with that extra U in the word flavour.)
  • They can be thinly julienned as a side dish, in a salad, or as a garnish.
  • They can be thinly julienned and used to clean up oil spills in the driveway.
  • They can be mashed into a paste and used to degrease engines.
  • They can be mashed into a paste and used as a beautifying face cream. (It won’t make you more attractive, but it will cover your face–which, if you’re being honest, is the problem.)
  • You can make rutabaga ice cream.
  • You can make a rudimentary boiled rutabaga stew that was a staple of famine-ridden Europe during the war and pretend you’re living in famine-ridden Europe during the war…because pretending is fun.
  • You can chuck them at the heads of people you don’t like.
  • You can chuck them at the heads of people you’re ambivalent about.
  • You can chuck them at the heads of people you do like. (The thunk of a rutabaga bouncing off a human skull is surprisingly satisfying regardless of the target.)
  • You can fill your child’s stocking with them. (But ensure they’re fresh; they can attract flies.)
  • You can use them to attract flies.
  • You can carve them into lanterns, as was the old Irish tradition.
  • You can carve them into lanterns and chuck them at people’s heads. (Hopefully the beginnings of a new tradition.)
  • And finally, you can make the traditional Finnish Christmas dish Lanttulaatikko.
rutabaga dish

Lanttulaatikko is a delicious Finnish Christmas dish–you can also chuck it at people’s heads.

Addendum: Don’t make rutabaga ice cream–it sucks.

Posted in funny, History, Humor, inspirational, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
19 Dec 2024
4 Comments

For Shame Christmas Haters

I’ve recently encountered some individuals who said they hate Christmas or they can’t wait for the Christmas season to be over.

What is the matter with you people, don’t you know it’s the most wonderful time of the year? Andy Williams told us so in song form. Are you going to contradict Andy Williams? Andy Williams was a national treasure you heartless goons.

I had a friend (not the one with genital chiggers) tell me he couldn’t wait for Christmas to be over: the obligations, the expense, the forced family get-togethers with people he really didn’t care for.

It’s a crying shame.

But I had another friend (the one with the genital chiggers) tell me how much he loved Christmas: the decorations, the songs, the eggnog (the best of all nogs), the gifts, and the general spirit of giving.

I would have shook his hand, but he had been doing a crazy amount of groin itching due to the chiggers. I told him there was a powder he could get, but he said he had used the powder and the chiggers thought it was Christmas, formed a big circle, and sang Christmas carols like the Whos in Whoville.

Speaking of the Whos in Whoville: don’t you Christmas haters remember when the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes when he finally understood the true meaning of Christmas?

Note: if your heart grows three sizes, you have a pretty severe medical condition–you’re probably going to die. You should definitely seek medical help as quickly as possible.

But that’s not the point.

Don’t you Christmas haters remember when Scrooge McDuck awoke on Christmas morning to discover the spirits had done it all in one night and he hadn’t missed Christmas. He took a bag of toys and a turkey to the Cratchit’s home.

It does seem strange: a duck eating a turkey. Some kind of weird fowl cannibalism going on there. Still, Scrooge kept Christmas from that point forward and he kept it well.

Note: if you’re a young couple about to have twins, I implore you to name them Ignorance and Wont. They’ll hate you for it, but it’ll be a great conversation starter every Christmas.

Don’t you Christmas haters remember when Jimmy Stewart’s character thought he had killed Lee Marvin’s character, but it was in fact, John Wayne’s character who had killed Lee Marvin’s character and…

Sorry, that’s the wrong Jimmy Stewart movie. That’s from The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, a great movie, but not very Christmassy.

Don’t you Christmas haters remember when George Bailey realized he was the richest man in Bedford Falls because he had friends and family and had made a difference in so many lives? Do you not remember that! It was so freaking heartwarming!

Look at how happy Jimmy Stewart is. It’s as if he’s just shot Lee Marvin.

And don’t all you Christmas haters remember when Charlie Brown asks, “Isn’t there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about.”

Linus replies, “Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about.”

Linus then moves to center stage and says this:

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding
in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them,
and the glory of the Lord shone round about them:
and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold,
I bring you good tidings of great joy,
which shall be to all people.

For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour,
which is Christ the Lord.

It’s only one of the most iconic moments in television history.

I hope all you Christmas haters shoot your eyes out.

Seriously, get this checked out.

Posted in funny, History, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
23 Jan 2024
2 Comments

Penn & Tran: the Sylvanias

william penn

William Tran Penn.

It occurred to me the other day that if the William Penn, founder of the English colony of Pennsylvania, had been named William Tran, then I would been born in the great Commonwealth of Transylvania.

Wouldn’t that be awesome!

The Sylvanias have so much in common.

Bram Stoker’s fictional character Dracula.

Dracula was based the real-life ruler Vlad the Impaler. Vlad Dracula was known for committing many acts of brutality, his favorite being impaling his enemies on stakes.

There are numerous tourist attractions around Transylvania connected to Vlad.

castle bran

Bran Castle, a tourist attraction associated with Vlad the Impaler. (I wonder if pigeons poop on it,)

We have a statue of Rocky.

rocky

Statue of Rocky. (Pigeons definitely poop on it.)

Rocky Balboa is a fictional character created by actor and filmmaker Sylvester Stallone, (himself known for brutal acts of annunciation) based on the real-life boxer Chuck Wepner.

Chuck Wepner

Real-life boxer Chuck Wepner. (Pigeons wouldn’t dare.)

Transylvania is often thought of as eerie.

church scary

An eerie church in Transylvania. (Pigeons are afraid to poop here.)

We have a place literally named Erie!

Erie eerie

Erie, Pennsylvania: it may be spelled differently, but it’s just as creepy. (Pigeons don’t poop here, but the seagulls crap on everything.)

Transylvania is romanticized as place inhabited by supernatural creatures such as vampires, werewolves, and monsters.

abott and costello

Abott and Costello knew all about these monsters.

We have a groundhog the predicts the freaking weather.

idiotprufs groundhog day punxsutawny phil

Abott and Costello knew almost nothing about Punxsutawney Phil.

There’s a bunch of other similarities between Pennsylvania and Transylvania involving steel production, ethnic and religious backgrounds, and geographical features, but that crap is all boring.

So I’ll leave you with the one striking difference between Pennsylvania and Transylvania.

The Transylvania State football team is just a bunch of tiny, slow-footed, pasty-faced, European guys.

Franco Harris steeler

Penn State great Franco Harris smashing through the Transylvania State offensive line.

Posted in erie, funny, History, Humor, lists, mythology and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
12 Mar 2023
2 Comments

This Blog Prevents Scurvy

Early symptoms include malaise and lethargy, and if you’re anything like me (my condolences if you are), malaise and lethargy are your baselines.

I would even venture to add bitter indifference to the malaise and lethargy.

As time persists, additional symptoms include weakness, fatigue, changes to your hair, sore extremities, gum disease, poor wound healing, easy bleeding, and an irrational fear of ladybugs.

Others will also begin to regard you as a sissy, primarily because of the ladybug thing.

Also, it’s not clear what changes to hair means. Do you lose your hair? Do start to grow hair in weird and unwanted places like under your toes or on your tongue. Either way, I don’t like it.

These symptoms can result in eating disorders, mental issues, substance abuse, and eventually homelessness.

People will refer to you as that crazy person with the hairy tongue who screams and runs away from ladybugs.

What is the scourge responsible for the aforementioned maladies? Exposure to any of the Real Housewives television shows—also, scurvy.

It’s debatable which of those two things is worse.

But there is a preventative measure that can be taken: reading this blog.

That’s right! This blog prevents scurvy. It is, however, powerless against the Real Housewives. 

That’s ridiculous, you’re thinking; I’m not some 16th-century pirate; I’m not worried about things like scurvy, my rum supply, walking the plank, or the Kraken. 

Actually, you are a little worried about the Kraken, but you just drink rum until that goes away.

But can’t I just eat some orange slices, you’re thinking to yourself?

This blog is so much better than orange slices. You don’t have to peel it, it doesn’t make your fingers all sticky, and it doesn’t rot.

It does rot a little but not nearly as quickly as orange slices.

So go ahead and read this book and live free from the fear of scurvy.

But definitely watch out for the Kraken.

Addendum: it’s not debatable; the Real Housewives is worse.

They rot faster than this blog.
Posted in funny, health, History, Humor and tagged , , , , , , ,
18 Dec 2022
4 Comments

This Christmas Give the Gift of the Rutabaga

rutabaga

It’s Christmastime again: the perfect opportunity to brighten the spirits of a loved one with the gift of the rutabaga.

What’s so special about the rutabaga you may ponder–what isn’t so special about the rutabaga is my response.

  • They can be roasted.
  • They can be baked.
  • They can be boiled as a flavor enhancer in soups.
  • They can be boiled as a flavour enhancer in soups in Great Britain. (You wouldn’t believe how much tastier the soup is with that extra U in the word flavour.)
  • They can be thinly julienned as a side dish, in a salad, or as a garnish.
  • They can be thinly julienned and used to clean up oil spills in the driveway.
  • They can be mashed into a paste and used to degrease engines.
  • They can be mashed into a paste and used as a beautifying face cream. (It won’t make you more attractive, but it will cover your face–which if you’re being honest, is the problem.)
  • You can make rutabaga ice cream.
  • You can make a rudimentary boiled rutabaga stew that was a staple of famine-ridden Europe during the war and pretend you’re living in famine-ridden Europe during the war…because pretending is fun.
  • You can chuck them at the heads of people you don’t like.
  • You can chuck them at the heads of people you’re ambivalent about.
  • You can chuck them at the heads of people you do like. (The thunk of a rutabaga bouncing off a human skull is surprisingly satisfying regardless of the target.)
  • You can fill your child’s stocking with them. (But ensure they’re fresh; they can attract flies.)
  • You can use them to attract flies.
  • You can carve them into lanterns as was the old Irish tradition.
  • You can carve them into lanterns and chuck them at people’s heads. (Hopefully the beginnings of a new tradition.)
  • And finally, you can make the traditional Finnish Christmas dish Lanttulaatikko.
rutabaga dish

Lanttulaatikko is a delicious Finnish Christmas dish–you can also chuck it at people’s heads.

Addendum: Don’t make rutabaga ice cream–it sucks.

Posted in funny, History, Humor, inspirational, lists and tagged , , , , , , ,
05 Oct 2022
3 Comments

The True and Accurate Historical Story of Limburger Cheese

limburger cheese

The delightful aroma of feet.

There is one salient fact about Limburger cheese: it is just awful. The only time I would need Limburger cheese, would be if I needed something that smelled like death and the smell from my giant pile of opossum crap just wasn’t enough.

Did you know the bacterium used to ferment Limburger cheese is the same bacterium that is responsible for body odor, and in particular, foot odor?

If you’ve ever smelled Limberger cheese, you had your suspicions.

Limburger cheese was first created in the Duchy of Limburg in the 19th century by a man who had just come home from a hard day of cheese making. He had unbuckled and removed his boots and was attempting to enjoy a meal with his wife when he and his wife got into an argument that changed the history of cheese making forever.

Wife: What is that horrendous smell?

Cheesemaker: Ooh, we’re having stoofvlees, I love stoofvlees.

Wife: It’s the most putrid smell I have ever encountered.

Cheesemaker: I don’t smell anything. Pass the ale.

Wife: I think it’s your feet.

Cheesemaker: Seriously. Pass the ale.

Wife: It’s rancorous.

Cheesemaker: It’s not that bad.

Wife: It is that bad. There are people retching on the other side of the Demer River.

Cheesemaker: Do you know what this conversation isn’t doing? It isn’t remedying the fact that I have no ale.

Wife: Your feet smell worse than that giant pile of opossum crap you have behind the house.

Cheesemaker: I’ll get my own ale.

Wife: Why do you even have a giant pile of opossum crap?

Cheesemaker: I’ll tell you why, (he pauses to take a slug of ale) because someday you’ll be in desperate need of copious amounts of opossum crap, and you’ll be glad it’s there.

Wife: I’ve thought the same thing about you, but it still hasn’t happened. Besides, it’s the worst smell in the world.

Cheesemaker: Nonsense. It’s not the worst smell in the world. In fact, I’ll bet that I could make a cheese that smells worse.

Wife: I doubt it.

Cheesemaker: You’ll see; it will become my mission.

Wife: Shut up and drink your ale.

And drink his ale he did.

And succeed he did–beyond his wildest ale-fueled dreams.

Of course, his wife left him and his giant pile of opossum crap.

The Duchy of Limburg is now divided by modern-day Germany, the Netherlands, and Belgium. None of the three countries wanted it: it reeked of Limburger cheese and developed a huge opossum problem.

Addendum: there are historians who will tell you certain items in this story aren’t factual–historians suck.

opossum

The aroma of their crap is delightful.

Posted in Cheese, funny, History, Humor, idiotprufs and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
17 Aug 2022
2 Comments

Monkeys, Shakespeare, and Me

monkey

The authors of this blog?

I’m sure you’ve heard of the Infinite Monkey Theorem. It states the following:

If you’re having a child’s birthday party, don’t hire a clown, or a pony, or a big sweaty guy in a SpongeBob SquarePants costume. Get a monkey in a cowboy hat on a unicycle; your children will have infinitely more fun.

I’m joking, that’s not really the Infinite Monkey Theorem. (But seriously, go with the monkey in the cowboy hat.)

Wikipedia describes the Infinite Monkey Theorem this way:

The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type any given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare. In fact, the monkey would almost surely type every possible finite text an infinite number of times. However, the probability that monkeys filling the observable universe would type a complete work such as Shakespeare’s Hamlet is so tiny that the chance of it occurring during a period of time hundreds of thousands of orders of magnitude longer than the age of the universe is extremely low (but technically not zero).

So, I acquired a couple of monkeys (don’t ask how, it involved unsavory behavior and a yak). I gave them a couple of typewriters and let them go nuts. I wanted to see if there was anything to this Infinite Monkey Theorem. Plus, monkeys are fun.

We got off to a rocky start: there was some feces hurling and some disturbingly lengthy (and quite frankly, hurtful) obscene gesturing, but eventually, they got to work.

While they didn’t reproduce any of the works of Shakespeare, they did type the phrase: Hamlet smells of cheese and Denmark multiple times.

Then something bizarre happened: the monkeys began to reproduce most of the contents of this blog and in shockingly less time than it took me to produce it. They even corrected some of my grammar errors.

And these weren’t the smart type of monkeys that do sign language; these were the type of monkeys eat their own poop, and smoke cigarettes, and one of them was really drunk at the time.

They rewrote several Curious George books, except every book ended with George violently attacking The Man with the Yellow Hat.

Then they started writing limericks about me that were really filthy.

After that they peed on the typewriters and mocked me with their superior verb tense usage.

It was all very disheartening.

I think I’m going to read Hamlet and pretend it was written by a drunken monkey.

Better yet, I’m going to read Curious George books and pretend they were written by a drunken Shakespeare.

Addendum: the monkeys rewrote this post too, and it was better than this crappy version.

hamlet

Don’t hire a guy dressed up like Hamlet for a child’s birthday party either–they smell like cheese and Denmark.

Posted in funny, health, History, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

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