idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the category “funny”

16 Nov 2025
2 Comments

It’s National Button Day!

November 16th is National Button Day, a day to celebrate both the function and history of the button.
I’ll bet you didn’t know that, did you?
The holiday was founded in 1938 by the National Button Society.
I’m willing to wager you didn’t know that either; you probably didn’t even know the National Button Society even existed.
Philistine!
You’re probably one of those weirdos who’s all into zippers; what’s the matter with you?
Zippers are so crass and inelegant.
Buttons are clearly superior; no one has ever gotten their penis caught in a button. I mean, it’s happened to me a couple of times, but it’s rare.
November 16th is also the International Day for Tolerance; where’s your tolerance?
Zippers may be quicker and easier, but life is not all about convenience and ease; if it were, I wouldn’t live in a tent in the woods and have to fight raccoons for my food.
Don’t you think I’d rather have a functioning toilet rather than a rusty bucket with a hole in it?
Admittedly, it might be better to have a zipper on my tent rather than the buttons; they let the mosquitoes in.
But that is the sacrifice I am willing to make, so get your butt out there and start celebrating the hell out of buttons.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , ,
12 Oct 2025
2 Comments

Minotaur Banned by Eatery

A Minotaur has been temporarily banned from a local restaurant after a fracas with a busboy. The unfortunate incident occurred at The Labryinth Eatery located on West Daedalus Avenue in the city square.

“I had just cleared the table, wiped it down, and I had turned to head back into the kitchen when I felt this horrible pain,” the busboy told us.

“Yeah, I gored him in the ass,” the Minotaur admitted. “But he shouldn’t have been waving that red cape around.”

“He wasn’t waving a red cape around,” the owner, Miss Pasiphae, said disgustedly, “Our color scheme here is Red and Taupe, and the dishrags used by our staff just happen to be red.”

“That busboy got off lucky,” the Minotaur retorted, “in the old days, I would have stomped him to death and eaten him.” He then paused and reflected before adding, “Taupe is a stupid color.”

It seems the occurrence has caused a dip in business at the Labyrinth Eatery. “Shockingly, most people don’t find a goring to be part of a pleasant dining experience.” Miss Pasiphae explained.

One customer who was present at the time had this to say, “Have you ever tried to eat a cheeseburger with a minotaur sitting at the next table? It is wildly uncomfortable.”

When pressed on why the ban was only temporary, Miss Pasiphae offered an explanation. “It’s best not to piss off Aphrodite–goddess of love, my ass.”

“I probably won’t go in there again anyway,” the Minotaur stated. “It’s entirely too bright and cheery in there; that has not been my experience with Labyrinths.”

Posted in funny, Humor, Jamestown, NY, mythology and tagged , ,
09 Oct 2025

Leaping Lad Causes Fires

It seems a local lad named Jack has run afoul of the authorities by causing multiple conflagrations while attempting to leap over lit candlesticks.

After reporting to another blaze, in which he nearly burned down the home of a friend, the fire chief had had enough.

“He lit his own home on fire on multiple occasions,” the fire chief related. “In the first instance, there was minimal damage. The second time, there was slightly more damage than the first. The third time that he set his home on fire, a quick-thinking friend put the fire out. The fourth time, it was a complete loss; we had to drag him out of the house with his hair still smoking.”

After that, he moved into a friend’s house, the same friend who had helped him previously, and whose house he immediately set on fire. He would end up living in a shack, which he promptly burned down. Now he lives in the woods; the forestry service is very concerned.

Despite the authorities’ best efforts, Jack has continued to be a problem.

“We have forbidden him from purchasing candles, owning candles, lighting candles, and jumping over said candles. We have also forbidden him from purchasing matches, disposable lighters, Zippo lighters, and those flint spark lighters that you have to squeeze repeatedly and are a pain in the ass to use, virtually anything that you can use to start a fire,” The local Constable told us disgustedly. “If we see him so much as rubbing two sticks together, we will arrest him.”

When pressed as to why he continues to attempt to leap over lit candles despite the calamity he’s been causing, Jack’s answer was simple. “Jumping over a lit candle is good luck.”

“Do you know what’s not good luck?” The Fire Chief responded, “Having to run into a blazing inferno; that’s what isn’t good luck.”

“How hard is it to jump over a candlestick? I mean, it’s not that tall.” The constable added in disbelief. “He is a fat little bastard.”

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
04 Apr 2025
2 Comments

International Carrot Day

I don’t want you to get too excited, but today is International Carrot Day.

That’s right. An entire day to celebrate everything about carrots.

Frankly, it may not be enough time

Here are a few quick facts about the carrot.

  • Carrots were originally multi-colored until Dutch farmers crossbred yellow and red carrots to create the now-familiar orange carrot in the 1600s. (Only slightly more critical than the Dutch idea that your date pays for their own meal.)
  • It’s a myth that carrots help you to see better in the dark. It’s radioactive carrots that help you see better in the dark…provided you don’t die from radiation poisoning.
  • This myth was created by the British during World War II to conceal the fact that their pilots were using newly developed radar. I think the truth is they got their hands on some radioactive carrots.
  • Having carrot cake for a snack allows you to pretend you’re having a healthy snack.
  • When eating a carrot, it’s fun to repeatedly say, “What’s up, doc,” and pretend that you are Bugs Bunny.
  • 1st-century Greek physician Dioscorides wrote in his 1st-century pharmacopeia of herbs and medicines, De Materia Medica, that “the root of the carrot can be cooked and eaten.” Man, those Greeks were on top of their shit.
  • Maybe the most crucial fact: a carrot is a perfect thing to use to make a snowman’s nose and, if you’re so inclined, a snowman’s penis.

So go out there today and celebrate International Carrot Day by having yourself a fistful of carrots, but try to avoid radioactive carrots; they will genuinely make your hair fall out.

Posted in funny, health, History, Humor, lists and tagged , , , , ,
08 Mar 2025
2 Comments

It’s International Fanny Pack Day

We call it a fanny pack in America. It is also known as a waist wallet, belt bag, belly bag, chaos pouch, buffalo pouch, hip sack, butt pack, and moon bag.
(Personally, I would avoid using the phrase butt pack, but that’s just me.)
I think I can write without fear of hyperbole; the fanny pack is the greatest invention in the history of the world.
I know that the dude who invented the wheel was pretty full of himself about it, but that guy didn’t even have indoor plumbing–invent that, buddy.
Fanny packs are stylish and filled with utility; in France, where they’re known as a sac banane, you can fill them with rocks and beat mimes with them.
I believe every man, woman, and child should be adorned with a fanny pack; I also believe there is a cabal of evil mimes bent on world domination, but that’s a separate issue.
In the past, there has been a stigma toward men who wear fanny packs, but think of the useful things men can carry in a fanny pack: a phone, car keys, protein bars, a wallet, and, since they’re not using them, their testicles.
So, let’s all take a moment to celebrate International Fanny Pack Day.

Posted in funny, History, Humor and tagged , , , , , ,
18 Feb 2025
2 Comments

It’s National Pluto Day!

I woke up today in a state of pure joy and anticipation.
What was the impetus for this intense state of excitement?
Did I get a big promotion at work?
Not with my work ethic.
Did that pretty woman I asked on a date agree to go out with me?
I never got a definitive answer; by the time I’d wiped the pepper spray from my eyes, she was gone.
Did my order of Sea-Monkeys finally come in?
Are you crazy–I’m not Sea-Monkey excited.
Today is National Pluto Day.
An entire day to soak in the greatness of that loveable cartoon dog.
It is a little weird that he’s a dog owned by a mouse, but that aside, Pluto has brought joy to audiences for nearly a century.
I decorated extensively in preparation (balloons), but then I discovered National Pluto Day pertains to the dwarf planet Pluto and not the beloved animated pet.
I must admit that I was disappointed; Pluto isn’t even a proper planet anymore.
I wish my Sea-Monkeys had come today.
But then I rebounded; so what if Pluto isn’t a full planet anymore? I could still celebrate its existence.
Pluto was named after the Roman god of the underworld; that’s interesting, right?
Its existence was surmised in the late 19th century by observing perturbations in the orbit of Uranus. (Insert your own joke here.)
Visual confirmation of Pluto was made in 1930, and it subsequently became our solar system’s ninth planet.
However, in later years, many other objects were discovered orbiting in the same volume as Pluto, indicating that Pluto is part of a group called the Kuiper belt.
(Not to be confused by the belt worn by longtime major league infielder and broadcaster Duane Kuiper; they’re two different things.)
In 2006, Pluto lost its status as a planet and was reclassified as a dwarf planter; it’s all very sad.
On a more positive note, today is also National Flirting Day, so see if you can’t do something with that.

Posted in funny, History, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
16 Feb 2025
2 Comments

I Missed National Slap Day!

Did you know February 15th was National Slap Day?

Neither did I and now we’ve completely missed it; it makes me so angry.

Today is National Almond Day; what the hell am I supposed to do with that?

You might advise me not to cry over spilled milk, but National Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day was February 11th; I missed that one, too.

It makes me so furious that I want to slap someone, but I missed my opportunity.

My life is littered with regrets.

  • The time I saw a pretty girl, and I didn’t introduce myself.
  • The time I saw a pretty girl, and I did introduce myself. (The pepper spray was entirely uncalled for.)
  • Every time I’ve uttered the phrase ‘what’s the worst that could happen’ right before doing something really stupid.
  • The time as a child, I tried to melt Play-Doh on the stove.
  • The time as an adult, I tried to melt Play-Doh on the stove. (I’m not sure what I thought would have changed, certainly not smoke alarms.)
  • The time my uncle told me to grab the electric fence behind my grandmother’s house…and I listened to him.
  • The shocking amount of times I’ve underestimated the power of electricity.
  • When my girlfriend asked me, “How stupid do you think I am? ” and I gave a quantifying answer.
  • The sheer disappointment that is certain to be felt by anyone directed to this blog after searching for National Slap Day just to discover they have missed it.
  • The sheer disappointment this blog causes in general.
  • My Hello Kitty phase. (I’m just joking–I regret nothing about that!)
  • That I have once again missed National Toothache Day.

That’s right. February 9th was National Toothache Day, and it blew right past me.

The decorations never made it out of the box, and I completely forgot about the traditional National Toothache Day dinner: Gummi Bears, Mountain Dew, and a big heaping bowl of molasses, followed by poor oral hygiene.

I’m starting to feel anxious, but National Stress Day isn’t until November 4th.

You have no idea how much that stresses me out!

From this point forward, I’m marking my calendar.

I’ve already circled March 5th: National Multiple Personality Day.

Last year, I relied on one of my other personalities to remind me, but the only thing they ever told me was to kill again.

But this year, we’ll be ready.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , ,
13 Feb 2025
2 Comments

Don’t Answer; It’s a Trap

You’re sitting there casually watching the chick flick of her choice. It’s not a bad movie; you’re enjoying its whimsical humor. About two-thirds through the movie, just as you’ve become emotionally invested in the characters, she suddenly turns to you and pops this landmine under your feet: do you think Julia Roberts is prettier than me?

The following conversation results:

Her: Do you think Julia Roberts is prettier than me?

(You hear the landmine’s triggering mechanism click, and you’re afraid to move.)

You: Um…I don’t know.

Her: It’s a simple question. Do you think she’s prettier than me or not?

You: Of course not, you’re much prettier.

(You think you may have defused the landmine, but you still feel trepidatious about taking a step.)

Her: Why are you being a liar?

(Nope; still undefused.)

Her: If you think she’s pretty, you can say so.

You: Okay. I think Julia Roberts is attractive.

Her: Which is it? Is she pretty, or is she attractive?’

You: What’s the difference?

Her: If you don’t know the difference between the two words, how can you properly use either one?

You: I guess I would say she’s very attractive.

Her: Oh, so now she’s very attractive. Is she gorgeous?

You: I guess to some guys.

Her: What kind of guys?

You: Guys who…have the ability of sight.

(Several moments of uncomfortable silence.)

Her: I suppose you wish I looked like Julia Roberts.

You: No. I don’t need a woman who’s gorgeous; you’re fine.

(The sheer stupidity of the statement hits you immediately; an impending feeling that you won’t make it out of this alive is beginning to set in.)

Her: Do you want to know what I wish?

You: I sincerely doubt it.

Her: I wish you looked like Hugh Grant.

You: I wish I looked like Hugh Grant.

Her: You do?

You: Sure. Then I could find a girlfriend who looks like Julia Roberts.

(Deafening silence. You can’t stand on the landmine much longer before your legs give out.)

Her: Maybe I should just make an appointment with a plastic surgeon tomorrow and get all my horrible flaws fixed.

You: Don’t bother; I don’t think the plastic surgeon can fix bitchy.

(Boom! Body parts are everywhere.)

Don’t feel too bad; you never stood a chance. It was an old, faulty Soviet landmine; it was going to go off no matter what.

Posted in funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , ,
05 Feb 2025

What the Hell, Google?

The other day, I went to Google in search of a bit of information, as I am an inquisitive individual, and I began my request with the word what.

A perfectly normal word with which to begin a search for knowledge.

If I had typed in the question, what is a perfectly normal word to begin a search for knowledge, the word what could have readily been the answer.

However, as I typed in the word what and hit the space bar, Google, without hesitation, auto-filled the remainder of my question with: what mushrooms shouldn’t you eat out of cow poop?

What the hell, Google?

That’s not even remotely the question I was going to ask, and I’m a little offended that you presumed that was the direction I was heading.

In fact, Google, you popped that out so quickly it was as if you were just waiting for me to type the word what so you could shove that remark about the mushrooms in cow poop in my face.

If I had typed in the word who, would you have responded with: who likes to eat mushrooms out of cow poop, you maybe?

Maybe I was about to inquire about the unified field theory and how it allows all fundamental forces and elementary particles to be written in terms of a single type of field or about the influence of French Baroque architecture on the 17th century.

I wasn’t going to ask either of those things; I was going to ask if Dandelion Yellow crayons actually taste like dandelions, but you didn’t know that.

I was curious because the Banana Mania-colored crayons tasted absolutely nothing like bananas — I mean, they weren’t even close.

I wrote a strongly worded letter to the Crayola company regarding their false advertising.

It’s not even a question I need answered; you should almost never eat mushrooms out of cow poop. When I say almost never, I mean only do it when nobody is watching.

If Crayola had a color named Mushrooms in Cow Poop, I certainly wouldn’t eat that; I’ve had enough disappointment in my life.

What if someone had been trying to ask an important question such as, what shall I do? My husband is being attacked by a pack of vicious mink?

But you respond with your nonsense about mushrooms in cow poop. By the time that poor person has the answers they need, those mink will have chewed that man’s ears off and run away with them.

It’s what mink do; that’s why they used to make coats out of them.

So, from this point forward, you can keep your opinions to yourself. Let me ask the questions.

Questions like: what is the best way to get crayon out of your teeth? That’s a question that needs to be answered.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
31 Jan 2025
3 Comments

So Many Questions

I recently saw a news story that had the following opening sentence.

“Texas Longhorns assistant football coach Jeff Banks and his stripper ex-girlfriend have tied the knot three years after being sued by the parents of a child who the stripper’s pet monkey bit at a neighborhood haunted house display.”

Is that not awesome?

Five questions immediately leaped to mind:

  1. Why did the article refer to Jeff Banks’s wife as his ex-girlfriend; you had a friend who introduced his wife to people as his ex-girlfriend, she would punch him in the face.
  2. Why was the pet monkey at the haunted house? I feel like monkeys are easily startled.
  3. Did the monkey bite the child because it was startled, or was it just a mean monkey? Was the child a brat child who was taunting it?
  4. Was the brat child okay, or did the child acquire some weird monkey disease, grow fur and a tail and start flinging poop around?
  5. Was the pet monkey just a pet, or was it a part of the stripper’s act?

Well, the article answered none of these questions; it just droned on about how beautiful the bride looked and what a joyous occasion it was.

It did disseminate the bit of information that the bride’s stripper name was “Pole Assassin,” which was an appreciated tidbit.

I’ll bet the monkey’s name was Glitter.

I’d also wager the kid was a brat who had it coming.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , ,

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