idiotprufs

Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the month “June, 2020”

Let’s Get Squatchy

bigfoot

Alleged photo of Bigfoot near Bradford, Pennsylvania. The clearest photo yet.

I am brimming with excitement and anticipation.

I am going to venture intrepidly into the wilderness in the search for answers.

Bigfoot: does he exist? Is he out there? If he is out there, can I find him? If I do find him, will I just pee myself and runaway? I probably will.

After exhaustive research (the Discovery Channel) of Bigfoot sightings, individuals who have made those sightings, and those who hunt for Bigfoot, I have prepared a list of things I will need to start my search:

  • I will need a large wooded area. Luckily for me, I live in rural Pennsylvania. I also live in an area where there have been actual Bigfoot sightings over the years. Rural Pennsylvania is also good for UFO sightings, alien abductions, haunted graveyards, and roving bands of cannibals. (I’m joking about the roving bands of cannibals–the vast majority of our cannibals tend to be quite sedentary. Probably from all the people they eat.)
  • It is also important for the area where you’re searching to have plenty of thick brush, large outcroppings of rock, and thick walls of impenetrable fog and mist. The type of things that Bigfoot can quickly duck behind before you can get a clear picture of him.
  • A camera that takes pictures that are out of focus, out of frame, and generally blurry.
  • A FLIR thermal imaging camera. They’re great for picking up clear images of indistinct blobs that could be a Bigfoot, or possibly a squirrel.
  • A motion activated camera. When motion enters the field of view of the camera, it triggers a sensor, which promptly causes the camera to malfunction and burst into flames.
  • I will need an abnormally large percentage of my clothing to be camouflage, including my underwear and wallet.
  • A gun rack for the back of my pickup truck.
  • A pickup truck. (Preferably painted in camouflage.)
  • Bullet hole decals for my pickup truck…bigfoot hunters are badass.
  • The ability to pepper my vocabulary with the word squatchy regardless of context: I love what you’re done to your hair sweetheart–it’s squatchy.
  • A skeptic.

It’s always important for any self-respecting Bigfoot hunter to be accompanied by a skeptic. The skeptic’s job is to provide a counter-balance for the over-exuberant bigfoot hunter and to insure a measure of scientific process. It also vital for the skeptic to be unnecessarily and relentlessly condescending and snarky.

Skeptics are required to possess a whiny nasal voice and for some unknown reason, skeptics usually have the physical attributes of a rat. Any good skeptic will have sharp beady eyes and a wispy, ill-conceived mustache. (Man or woman.)

Skeptics like to say things to bigfoot hunters such as:

  • It’s highly unlikely any type of simian would reside in these woods since they lack the requisite body fat for survival in a colder climate. We’re the only ones stupid enough to be stomping around the forest at night in this freaking cold.
  • Hey, don’t drop that camouflage wallet out here in the woods, or you’ll really be doing some serious hunting.
  • A shower. Just once every day or two–think about it.
  • Why do you keep asking me if I want some cheese and then laugh hysterically?
  • No. I don’t think those truck noises out by the highway have anything to do with bigfoot.
  • While a putrid sulfur smell is associated with bigfoot sightings, I don’t think that’s what this smell is from. Seriously…take a shower.

Once I have compiled all the necessary equipment from the list above and found myself a suitable skeptic, I will venture into the wilderness and I will find the truth.

I may also get lost. If you don’t hear from me, send help.

bigfoot hunters

He gets it.

A Little Advice for Living in the Age of the Coronavirus

coronaIf the Coronavirus has taught us anything, it’s to live each moment like it’s your last.

I keep seeing this phrase in meme form–what a complete load of crap.

What if your last moment is because you’ve been shot in the face with an arrow. Do you really want to walk around living each moment like you’ve been shot in the face with an arrow? I’ve never been shot in the face with an arrow, but I would hazard a guess that it blows.

It has to be hard to do even simple things with an arrow stuck in your face. I would envision a lot of writhing around, bleeding profusely, and shouting things like, “where the hell did an arrow come from?”

For example: it would be difficult to enjoy a day of antiquing with an arrow stuck in your face. It’s difficult to enjoy a day of antiquing under normal circumstances. Antiquing sucks.

Where I live, I would get very little sympathy if I were shot in the face with an arrow. If I were lying on the sidewalk with an arrow in my face, I would get the following response:

Passerby #1: It looks like someone’s finally gone and done it.

Passerby #2: Yep. It was only a matter of time before somebody snapped. Although, I thought it’d be with an axe.

Passerby #1: He just bought those sunglasses.

Passerby #2: I know. Good luck wearing those with an arrow in your eye socket.

Passerby #1: Should we help him?

Passerby #2: No. He’s all gross and bloody. Let’s go antiquing.

That’s right: they’re a coldhearted bunch where I live. A coldhearted bunch of antiquing jackasses.

If the Facebook pages of the people who post the advice: “if the Coronavirus has taught us anything, it’s to live each moment like it’s your last,” are to be believed, they would spend their last moments, sitting in the backyard, getting hammered on cheap vodka, stuffing their round faces with potato salad, and playing cornhole, as they discuss whether or not it’s legal to date your second cousin in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. Jason Aldean music is playing in the background.

(I’m just guessing about the Jason Aldean part.)

I am beginning to realize why a person might be compelled to shoot me in face with an arrow.

If you were to actually live each moment like it’s your last, shooting someone in the face with an arrow is exactly the type of thing you would do.

Admit it: if these were your last moments on Earth and there were no consequences, you’d be camped out outside of some jerks house that you hate, with a bow and arrow in your hand and Phil Collins’ I Don’t Care Anymore, playing in the background as you wait for your moment.

I’d better be careful the next time I step out of the house.

jason aldean in camo

Jason Aldean outside my house…just waiting.

Mad Dog 20/20: The Greatest Invention Ever


invention symbol

When you’re having a reflective moment and you’re pondering the greatest invention in human history, what springs to mind?

Is it fire? The wheel? The combustion engine? That little plastic thing that keeps the top of your pizza from being smeared on the box? All very important.

Perhaps it’s the written word. (Although that’s certainly not reflected here.)

You probably think it’s an advancement in medicine or technology.

Wrong! The answer is Mad Dog 20/20.

I know what you’re thinking: why am I wasting precious moments of a finite lifetime reading a bunch of drivel written by a person who is clearly unstable and who probably spent far too much of his youth eating paste and crayons.

Wrong Again! I still eat paste and crayons.

I’m going to provide five specific reasons for my assertion that Mad Dog 20/20 is the greatest invention of all time.

Reason #1

It’s not just wine–it’s a flavored fortified wine.

It’s fortified!

Fortified wines have a higher alcohol content than regular sissy wines.

Anything with the word fort in it is inherently superior to anything without the word fort in it.

Example:

Fort Worth, Texas: thriving metropolis populated with the highest caliber of people.

Worth, Illinois: total shithole filled with mimes.

Enough said.

Reason #2

If you’re anything like me, (my sympathies if you are) you are dazzled by things that are bright and shiny. Mad Dog 20/20 is available in a myriad of brightly colored flavors. There’s so many brilliant colors it’s dizzying. And if you’re into to dizziness: consuming Mad Dog 20/20 can help you with that too.

md 20/20

It’s dizzying.

Reason #3

The medical applications of Mad Dog 20/20 are practically endless.

  • It kills the Coronavirus. (It kills most living things; I assume that includes the Coronavirus.)
  • It’s essentially a cure for not having liver disease.
  • Too many pesky brain cells:? Mad Dog 20/20 is the solution.
  • It makes your vomit glow in the dark–how cool is that?
  • It makes you vomit: vomiting cleanses the body and entertains your friends.
  • It also makes your urine glow in the dark. You’d be surprised how often that comes in handy.
  • It’s a memory suppressor: if you drink a bunch of Mad Dog 20/20, and you do something crazy and stupid, you won’t remember it. (However, the authorities may remind you of what you’ve done.)

Reason #4

Applications apart from drinking it.

  • Self defense: it can be used to blind an attacker.
  • As an adhesive: it’s one of the stickiest substances known to man.
  • Entomology: it can be used to attract bees, ants, or hobos.
  • As a repellent: it repels wombats, musk oxen, and The French.
  • Monetarily: it’s used as currency in the best federal prisons.
  • Status: if you keep Mad Dog 20/20 on display in your home, people will know you’re classy.

Reason #5

Mad Dog 20/20 is produced in my hometown of Westfield, NY. It’s a wonderful small village in western New York that has produced many brilliant people…and me.

It’s surprising the word fort isn’t in the name of the village. Strictly speaking, somebody dropped the ball on that.

I think at this point you probably agree with me that Mad Dog 20/20 is the greatest invention of all time.

So drink up.

Westfield ny

Many brilliant people.

Addendum: my apologies to the citizens of Worth, Illinois, I’m sure you’re fine people.

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