According to the office supplies on Natalie’s desk, Highlighter has become frustrated with the dating scene due to reasons purportedly beyond his control. He claims that his need to be the center of attention is innate to his character and cannot be altered. “I just want someone to love me for who I am,” Highlighter […]
Being held for public indecency.
Traffic at the intersection of routes 28 and 85 in Rayburn Township, Pennsylvania, was shut down by a pair of cows having amorous relations. According to Trooper John Corna, troopers “kept trying to shoo them off the highway, but that just got the bull mad and it started to escalate.”
Of course, it made him mad, wouldn’t it make you mad if you were trying to have an intimate moment with your lady friend, and some dude started shooing you?
Well, it really ticks off bulls.
In a previous post about bull-riders, I detailed a few things that bulls hate. I may have left that list a tad incomplete. So in the interest of completion, (pun intended) more things that make bulls angry:
If I have left anything off the list, I apologize.
It’s really irritating when you want to finish something, but can’t; just ask the bull.
“Say shoo to me one more time.”
So I recently stumbled across a news story that detailed how a man in Holland Township, Michigan, accidentally set fire to his apartment. The fire spread and destroyed eight other apartments in his building and damaged two dozen other units.
When he set fire to his apartment, he was doing something that some might describe as ill-advised. Others would say it was foolish. But to most of us, it was an act of downright stupidity.
What was it that he was doing when he set fire to his apartment?
The following is a list of possible things the man in Michigan was doing when he started the fire.
Which one do you think is the real story?
“Stand closer–what could possibly go wrong?”
“I can’t believe that didn’t work.”
So what do you think?
If you don’t feel like guessing, here’s the story: nbcnews.com.
It’s been a long winter without much of a spring in New England, and I was beginning to get worried about the malaise that Spot–the dog puppet you may remember from Pets.com commercials–had fallen into. He’s usually a chipper little chap, but lately he’s been taciturn . . . phlegmatic . . . distrait; and those are just […]
QUIRKY little motor not exactly attracting mates. Gavin Rowlocks, a Fiat Panda owner, has been very disappointed by the level of female desire his vehicle arouses. “I thought women loved cute creatures,” complained Gavin. “How can they resist a car that resembles an endangered giant bear from behind – right down to its adorable ear-like […]
via Fiat Panda driver discovers he’s very unlikely to breed — The Daily Squabble
The delightful aroma of feet.
There is one salient fact about Limburger cheese: it is just awful. The only time I would need Limburger cheese, would be if I needed something that smelled like death and the smell from my giant pile of opossum crap just wasn’t enough.
Did you know the bacterium used to ferment Limburger cheese is the same bacterium that is responsible for body odor, and in particular, foot odor?
If you’ve ever smelled Limberger cheese, you had your suspicions.
Limburger cheese was first created in the Duchy of Limburg in the 19th century by a man who had just come home from a hard day of cheese making. He had unbuckled and removed his boots and was attempting to enjoy a meal with his wife when he and his wife got into an argument that changed the history of cheese making forever.
Wife: What is that horrendous smell?
Cheesemaker: Ooh, we’re having stoofvlees, I love stoofvlees.
Wife: It’s the most putrid smell I have ever encountered.
Cheesemaker: I don’t smell anything. Pass the ale.
Wife: I think it’s your feet.
Cheesemaker: Seriously. Pass the ale.
Wife: It’s rancorous.
Cheesemaker: It’s not that bad.
Wife: It is that bad. There are people retching on the other side of the Demer River.
Cheesemaker: Do you know what this conversation isn’t doing? It isn’t remedying the fact that I have no ale.
Wife: Your feet smell worse than that giant pile of opossum crap you have behind the house.
Cheesemaker: I’ll get my own ale.
Wife: Why do you even have a giant pile of opossum crap?
Cheesemaker: I’ll tell you why, (he pauses to take a slug of ale) because someday you’ll be in desperate need of copious amounts of opossum crap, and you’ll be glad it’s there.
Wife: I’ve thought the same thing about you, but it still hasn’t happened. Besides, it’s the worst smell in the world.
Cheesemaker: Nonsense. It’s not the worst smell in the world. In fact, I’ll bet that I could make a cheese that smells worse.
Wife: I doubt it.
Cheesemaker: You’ll see; it will become my mission.
Wife: Shut up and drink your ale.
And drink his ale he did.
And succeed he did–beyond his wildest ale-fueled dreams.
Of course, his wife left him and his giant pile of opossum crap.
The Duchy of Limburg is now divided by modern-day Germany, the Netherlands, and Belgium. None of the three countries wanted it: it reeked of Limburger cheese and developed a huge opossum problem.
Addendum: there are historians who will tell you certain items in this story aren’t factual–historians suck.
The aroma of their crap is delightful.
Calling each other “irrational” and “annoying,” potato farmer Tom Bruise and his wife Lucy quickly resolved all marital conflicts by not talking to each other. “It totally works,” said Bruise. “Ever since we resolved to shut our respective traps, I’ve been angrily washing the dishes while she texts her friends, and we get along just […]
via Not talking to each other key to resolving marital conflicts — The Bald Beagle
Cry Wolf Satirical News (COVINGTON, La.) The four block, 90-minute class schedule St. Paul’s operates under has given students a very unique relationship with the clock. A St. Paul’s student was reportedly devastated to realize there was still 50 minutes left of class yesterday (May 9). Sources say sophomore Tyrone Peters was horrified after looking […]
Man: Is there someone here that I can talk to about a job?
Me: The plant manager does the hiring, but he isn’t here today.
Man: So I can’t talk to anyone today?
Me: Sorry.
Man: (visibly upset) But I made sure not to smoke crack today.
Me: That’s very conscientious of you; I’ll add a note to your resume specifying that you made sure not to smoke crack today.
Man: (pointing an accusatory finger at me) You better not be lying to me.
Me: Trust me, writing that note will be a genuine pleasure.
Man: Just make sure you do it.
Unfortunately, we’d already filled our quota of habitual drug users.
idiotpruf 