Where Have the Clowns Gone?
“Stop crying, Timmy, and cut your birthday cake.”
Prepare yourself for a shock–there is an impending clown shortage.
It is not possible for me to over-exaggerate the gravity of this situation.
Note: I’m sorry, if you’ve read this blog in the past, you know that over-exaggerating the gravity of the situation is exactly what I’m about to do and I going to do it wildly.
Evidently, the desire to dress up in outlandish clothing, slather on huge amounts of make-up, and go out into public and behave in a ridiculous and childish manner, has fallen out of vogue since Jersey Shore went off the air.
“What’s happening is attrition,” said Glen Kohlberger, Clowns of America International President. He then honked his nose like a bicycle horn and hit the reporter in the face with a pie. “The older clowns are passing away and today’s youth just doesn’t want to smell like elephant crap,” he lamented.
The problems that will arise from the clown shortage are many:
- Unable to acquire a clown for your child’s tenth birthday party, you will be forced to hire a sweaty guy in a SpongeBob SquarePants costume. Bitter that he can’t find a better job, he will go on an alcohol-fueled rampage. The lasting memory of your child’s tenth birthday party will be of a beloved cartoon character being brought down with a taser and dragged away in handcuffs, reeking of urine.
- Ronald McDonald will be portrayed by a small Latvian woman with broken English.
- Without proper rodeo clowns, bull-riders, once thrown from the rampaging bulls, will be at the bull’s mercy. Instead of being heroic figures, bull-riders will simply be known as those guys who used to have testicles.
- The art of making balloon animals will vanish from the face of the Earth. (Except for balloon snakes; we’ll still have those.)
- Mimes will rise to a position of unprecedented power. In a silent coup (See what I did there?) they will seize control of the world and rule it with an iron fist. The population will be forced to wear white face make-up and dress like Frenchmen. People will flee into the wilderness and children will weep bitterly. When opposition to their authoritarian rule surfaces, they will do that thing where they wipe away fake tears, and it will really piss you off. Society will decay beyond repair, and centuries from now, Charlton Heston will find a ruined Statue of Liberty on the shoreline. He will fall to his knees and wail: You maniacs! You blew it up! Oh, damn you! Damn you all to hell!
- It will be bad.
Note: If you’re going to a birthday party for your child, get a monkey in a cowboy hat; you can never go wrong with a monkey in a cowboy hat.
If mimes do seize the power and establish a mimeocratic tyranny, I’m sure the people will rise up against the mimes, overthrow them and put them in invisible cages.
The anti-mime militia is already preparing.
In college I lived across the hall from a guy whose mom was a professional clown. He kept a framed photo of her -as a clown – prominently displayed on his desk.
Who of us doesn’t?