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idiotprufs

Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the month “April, 2019”

Slacked-Jawed Neighbors and Their Spawn


As the weather turns and provides respite from the bitter cold and the mountains of lake-effect snow that Lake Erie has so generously dumped on you all Winter, you feel a sense of relief.

A sense of relief that is quickly shattered by a sudden realization: all of that cold and snow provided a sort of barrier, a buffer, between you and your slack-jawed neighbors. And more crucially, between you and your slack-jawed neighbor’s slack-jawed reprobate spawn.

You’ve so much to look forward to in the coming months: bicycle tracks through your yard, cigarette butts littered about, bansheelike wailing throughout the night, the occasional acts of vandalism, and stench of sulfur that alerts you to their presence.

In the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania you are not allowed to taser minors.

What the hell were those pin heads in Harrisburg thinking?

It seems there is no physical barrier that can thwart them:

  • Electrified fence
  • Razor wire
  • Electrified fence with razor wire
  • Moat
  • Moat filled with alligators
  • Moat filled with piranha
  • Moat filled with alligator sized piranha
  • Moat filled with acid
  • Moat filled with acid resistant piranha
  • Moat filled with acid resistant alligator sized piranha

It seems futile until you stumble upon the one thing that makes them scatter like the disgusting little cockroaches they are: Holy water.

Maybe it won’t be such a bad Summer after all.

Why do you think they built that wall in China? It was the freaking neighbor kids.

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Erie Times-News Shrinks Yet Again

gooferie

ErieValNewsGateHouse Media, the out-of-town owners of the Erie Times-News, has announced its acquisition of the Valpak Company. The two Erie businesses will merge into a single product called the Erie Val-News.

Effective May 1, readers will receive their newspaper in those familiar blue envelopes mailed directly to homes in the tri-state area. Individual coupons, mixed in with traditional Valpak deals, will contain national and local news articles, the sports section, and one coupon for comics – with the exception of “Rex Morgan, M.D.”, which will have its own individual coupon because, well, obviously …

The media conglomerate’s statement, released yesterday, reads in full:

“Gatehouse is committed to continuing its proud tradition of acquiring, then sucking the life-blood out of once-vital local newspapers. Now, in addition to state-of-the-art articles by our veteran team of two interns and Pat Howard, the Erie Val-News will offer fantastic savings on pizza and tree stump…

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Let’s All Just Start Accepting the Truth


Wouldn’t life be easier if we all just told the truth?

Wouldn’t it be better if we didn’t sugarcoat things?

Wouldn’t it be better if we just accepted things as they are?

Imagine a world where we didn’t have to censor ourselves; a world where people didn’t get their shorts all twisted up in a bunch over every little thing you say.

Example:

Easily Offended Individual: don’t you think my baby is beautiful?

You: what do you mean–for a lizard?

Easily Offended Individual: I mean beautiful for a baby.

You: a baby lizard?

Easily Offended Individual: for a baby person!

You: your baby looks like a lizard.

Easily Offended Individual: people say the baby takes after me!

You: you have lizard eyes.

Easily Offended Individual: you’re an ass!

You: but I’m an ass with normal eyes.

Easily Offended Individual: you can go to Hell!

See. If people would just accept the fact that they have a creepy lizard baby, everything would be easier and there would be a lot less occurrences of people who were only being honest, being punched in the face by angry women who are most likely suffering from postpartum depression.

I’m just saying.

Lizard like reflexes.

 

Reefer Madness and a Bit of Math

pot shop

Albert Einstein almost never hung out here.

Dutch researchers have done it again.

From the people who have already given us windmills, Holstein cows, gouda cheese, Heineken, orange carrots (seriously, orange carrots-look it up), and crucially: the idea that my date will pay for her own meal, comes another breakthrough.

Dutch researchers have determined that students who were banned from smoking marijuana in Dutch coffee shops were found to be more likely to pass exams, specifically math based ones.

The effect is “five times larger” for courses requiring quantitative thinking and maths-based tasks, the researchers wrote. They then crossed out that figure and changed it to “four times larger” before crossing out that figure and changing it to “ten times larger.” They then admitted that they were quite confused and unsure of the figures–they had been smoking a lot of pot that day. They then put on some Steely Dan records and sent out for munchies.

Note: in an unrelated study, Dutch researchers have discovered that people who repeatedly whomp themselves in the face with a wooden shoe, are more likely to suffer from headaches than people who don’t. Additionally, people who drink a case of Heineken every day are even more likely to whomp themselves in the face with a wooden shoe, but less likely to feel the effects. The Dutch are freakin’ awesome.

The Dutch, known for their thoroughness and incredible dyke building skills, have compiled a list of activities hindered by the use of marijuana:

  • Basic math skills.
  • Advanced math skills.
  • Common core math (actually, heavy drug use helps with this).
  • Operating heavy machinery.
  • Operating heavy machinery while trying to remember the lyrics of your favorite Grateful Dead song.
  • Operating heavy machinery while remembering that your favorite Grateful Dead song has no lyrics; it’s just 25 minutes of twangy guitar music.
  • Taking deep breaths without hacking up a lung.
  • Finding Lake Titicaca on a map.
  • Saying the name Lake Titicaca without giggling uncontrollably.
  • Not giggling uncontrollably.
  • The ability to have a conversation with a person without referring to him as “man” repeatedly.
  • The ability to enter a grocery store without purchasing a case of Twinkies.

Additionally, the Dutch have discovered in manufacturing companies where marijuana use is prevalent among its workers, production levels have seen a substantial drop. However, this doesn’t apply to companies that produce tie-dye clothing; drug use in those companies seems to cause an explosion of production…at least until everyone gets hungry and starts searching for munchies.

Note: it is a little known fact that tie-dye was invented in 1928, when after eating a tainted breakfast burrito, Walt Disney vomited on a co-workers shirt, and really liked the way it looked. He then drew something about a mouse on a steamboat. The Dutch don’t invent everything.

Meanwhile in North Korea:

Man Claims Ghost Planted Drugs Found in Home


police man

A man in Louisiana was arrested after police arrived at his home in response to a purported assault. The man, cops say, had called 911 to claim that he had been “stabbed on the head by an axe.”

When officers arrived at the man’s West Monroe home, they determined that he was not suffering from any axe wounds (he did have a fairly nasty papercut and those can be really painful). Cops did, however, spot in plain view on a night stand a open brown paper containing approximately 1 gram of suspected methamphetamine.

According to the man, a ghost may have put it there.

Is it not patently obvious what is happening here: this poor man is being haunted by an apparition that not only stabs him on the head with an axe, but also plants drugs and drug paraphernalia in his home. I also suspect that troublemaking ghost had something to do with that nasty paper cut.

“It’s ridiculous,” one of the responding officers commented, “you can’t stab someone with an axe; you chop someone with an axe. You can pretty much hack a person to bits if you have a good axe…all in all this was a disappointing crime scene.”

Quizzed by cops, the man said that “a ghost or intruders” planted the drugs before climbing out a bedroom window. This claim, investigators determined, “was not accurate.”

“Climbing out windows is not normal modus operandi for ghosts,” the officer said, “they tend walk through walls or disappear into an ethereal mist…this was a very disappointing crime scene.”

The man was charged with narcotics possession and making a false report to police.

The ghost has yet to be located, but the police are still looking.

casper

Be on the lookout for this ghost. He’s white, translucent, and is purported to be friendly.

Dear Purveyor of Opinions


monkey
Dear purveyor of opinions,

I think it is absolutely adorable that you think I care what your opinion is.

I don’t. I don’t care at all–not even a little.

I view your opinions as gnats buzzing around my head; irritants to be swatted away and if possible, crushed.

It’s not the sheer stupidity and ignorance contained within your opinions that I find so objectionable. It’s more the level arrogance and brazenness in which you disseminate your opinions.

I would listen to virtually anyone’s opinion before I would listen to yours. If there are 7.7 billion people in the world, yours would be 7.7 billionth opinion to which I would listen.

I would even listen to opinions in languages I don’t understand, (which frequently includes English) before I would listen to your opinion. Even if a person spoke in a language that consisted of nothing but clicks and whistles, I would sit and listen with an empathetic countenance, nodding, and adding an occasional, “that’s a good point,” to the mix.

I would listen to the opinions of parrots before I would listen to yours. At least when a parrot says something birdbrained, it’s because it has the brain of a bird. What’s your excuse?

Or one of those monkeys that knows sign language. Even if that monkey was hurling its feces at me as it was signing its opinion, I would find it preferable to your opinion. I would rather be hit in the face with monkey crap than listen to your opinion.

You remind me of Bluto from the Popeye cartoons, but without the couth. Bluto is couther than you. A loudmouthed cartoon blowhard has more couth than you. That’s crazy.

I’m sure you have opinions about this post…I don’t care.

It’s my hope that my stance on the matter has been made sufficiently clear.

Thank you for your time.

opinions

Couther than you.

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