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idiotprufs

Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the day “April 30, 2019”

Slacked-Jawed Neighbors and Their Spawn


As the weather turns and provides respite from the bitter cold and the mountains of lake-effect snow that Lake Erie has so generously dumped on you all Winter, you feel a sense of relief.

A sense of relief that is quickly shattered by a sudden realization: all of that cold and snow provided a sort of barrier, a buffer, between you and your slack-jawed neighbors. And more crucially, between you and your slack-jawed neighbor’s slack-jawed reprobate spawn.

You’ve so much to look forward to in the coming months: bicycle tracks through your yard, cigarette butts littered about, bansheelike wailing throughout the night, the occasional acts of vandalism, and stench of sulfur that alerts you to their presence.

In the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania you are not allowed to taser minors.

What the hell were those pin heads in Harrisburg thinking?

It seems there is no physical barrier that can thwart them:

  • Electrified fence
  • Razor wire
  • Electrified fence with razor wire
  • Moat
  • Moat filled with alligators
  • Moat filled with piranha
  • Moat filled with alligator sized piranha
  • Moat filled with acid
  • Moat filled with acid resistant piranha
  • Moat filled with acid resistant alligator sized piranha

It seems futile until you stumble upon the one thing that makes them scatter like the disgusting little cockroaches they are: Holy water.

Maybe it won’t be such a bad Summer after all.

Why do you think they built that wall in China? It was the freaking neighbor kids.

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