idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the month “December, 2018”

30 Dec 2018
10 Comments

Don’t Say it to Your Boss


office space

Monster.com has compiled a list of things not to say to your boss. Let’s take a look at their list:

  1. I need a raise.
  2. That just isn’t possible.
  3. I can’t stand working with__.
  4. I partied too hard last night–I’m so hung over.
  5. But I emailed you about that last week.
  6. It’s not my fault.
  7. I don’t know.
  8. But we’ve always done it this way.
  9. Let me set you up with__.

I know–this list is ridiculous and useless.

I’ve made some subtle changes to the entries. Here’s what you really can’t say:

  1. I need a raise; I can barely steal enough from the office to keep up with the rising cost of cocaine and hookers.
  2. That just isn’t possible. I need to take two hours for lunch; it is difficult to get properly drunk in one hour.
  3. I can’t stand working with these voices in my head; they keep telling me to kill again.
  4. I Partied too hard last night–I was almost too drunk to have sex with your wife.
  5. But I emailed you about that last week; I directly indicated to you that a reactor core meltdown was imminent, it’s not my fault if you don’t check your email.
  6. It’s not my fault; how was I supposed to know bringing my pet chimpanzees to work would be frowned upon…I’m sure that feces will wash out of your hair.
  7. I don’t know. I would be better at my job if your woefully inadequate leadership skills didn’t fail to inspire me on a daily basis.
  8. But we’ve always done it this way…you galactically incompetent prick.
  9. Let me set you up with my cousin; she’s one of those genuinely well-mannered Neo-Nazi skinheads.

Do see how much more helpful this list is?

Jack Dee

Posted in funny, Humor, inspirational, lists, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , ,
22 Dec 2018

Squire Sebastian Senator


name tagA woman has recently cancelled a baby shower because her family and friends are less than fully supportive of her choice of names for the child.

I personally find it reprehensible for a person’s loved ones not to be fully supportive, regardless of how ridiculous this woman’s choice of names may be.

Sure, her choice–Squire Sebastian Senator–is a bit odd, but just think of the character her son will develop by being repeatedly beaten as a child.

What kind of heartless animals are this woman’s family and friends. 

She posted the following statement to Facebook:

“Dear Members of the Squire Sebastian Senator baby shower. I have a really important announcement to make. It brings me pain to have to tell you this, but I am cancelling the event.”

Exactly what I would do. Screw all those people who want to give you a bunch of free stuff; a baby doesn’t need things like diapers or clothes or formula, when he has such a regal sounding name.

Her post went on to read:

“Y’all have been talking s— about my unborn baby. AN UNBORN CHILD. How can you judge an unborn child??”

Some of you might argue that people aren’t talking shit about the child as much as they’re talking shit the THE UNBORN BABY’S batshit crazy mother. Well, you people disgust me.

Her post continued:

“He will not be allowed to have a nickname, he is to be called by his full and complete first name…”

You may thinking the child will receive nicknames regardless of the mother wishes. Nicknames such as:

  • The Kid Who Gets Punched A Lot
  • Crazy Ladies Kid
  • Squire Sebastian Stupid-Face
  • Seabiscuit
  • Squire of Turdville
  • The Kid Who Runs Away From Home A Lot
  • Dwayne

The woman defended her choice, claiming her family is descended from a long line of “both squires and senators.”

She went on to write:

“If you look back in our family tree, the survival of this clan is literally rooted in squiredom. We are all related to senators too. This name conveys power. It conveys wealth. It conveys success.”

I wholehearted agree with this assessment; I am overwhelmed by its undeniable brilliance.

You may be thinking that while the survival of this woman’s clan is literally rooted in squiredom, the child’s survival will be literally rooted in his ability to runaway very quickly from other children throwing rocks. Shame on you.

I wish I had a name like Squire Sebastian Senator. My name is Larry; its sheer boringness has crippled me.

I applaud this woman and I hope she has a dozen more kids, all named as regally as Squire Sebastian Senator.

Godspeed good woman.

Addendum: I’m considering having my name legally changed to Lord Larry Legislator. Then I can just sit back and wait for the power, wealth, and success to start rolling in.

squire boy

Squire Sebastian Senator, but I call him Dwayne.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
06 Dec 2018
12 Comments

Experts


expertOurs is a nation whose shores are teeming with experts. They are vital to our existence. We could barely function on a daily basis if not for these titans of knowledge, and purveyors of wisdom.

We know these things because it’s what they tell us.

We expect our experts to tell us much, and much they tell us:

  • They tell us what to do.
  • They tell us what not to do.
  • They tell us what to think.
  • They tell us what not to think.
  • They tell us where we should go.
  • They tell us where we shouldn’t go.
  • They tell us not to be long-winded.
  • But they use a lot of words to tell us.
  • They tell us not to be abrupt.
  • But they say it very abruptly.
  • They tell us not to make things too complicated.
  • They tell us not to make things too simple.
  • They tell us how simple it is to not make things complicated.
  • But they tell us in way that’s really complicated.
  • They tell us what to say.
  • They tell us what not to say.
  • They tell us not to pronounce the T in the word often.
  • But when they tell us, they pronounce the T in the word often.
  • And they do it often.
  • They tell us not to interrupt people.
  • But they interrupt to tell us.
  • They tell us what to write.
  • They tell us what not to write.
  • They tell us not to end a sentence with a preposition.
  • But you can end a sentence with the word preposition.
  • You can do it twice in a row.
  • They tell us what to eat.
  • They tell us what not to eat.
  • They tell us how long to boil an egg.
  • They tell us how long not boil an egg.
  • Don’t boil eggs–poach them!
  • Stop! Eggs are bad for you.
  • Now they’re not.
  • Now they are again.
  • Now they’re not again, as long as you don’t put salt on them; salt is very bad for you.
  • Now salt isn’t bad for you.
  • Now it is again.
  • They tell us not be contradictory.
  • They tell us not to be smug.
  • But they’re really smug about it.
  • They tell us what to read.
  • They tell us what not to read.
  • Starting with seemingly endless and annoying lists.
  • They tell us how to feel.
  • They tell us how not to feel.
  • When we feel miserable, they tell us why we feel miserable.
  • When we don’t feel miserable, they tell us why we should feel miserable.
  • When we feel happy, they knock some sense into us, so we can get back to the business of feeling miserable.
  • They tell us what to do to avoid death.
  • When we do what they say and die anyway, they tell our relatives why it wasn’t their fault.
  • And they demonstrate to us the importance of employing high-powered lawyers, in the event that some people actually follow their advice.

If not for the tireless work of experts, how many of us would still be living under the dark veil of happiness.

It must be exhausting being an expert.

If you should happen to see an expert on the street today, be sure to stop and give them a heartfelt thank you.

If you don’t know how to properly give a heartful thank you: ask the expert, they’ll know.Dilbert. point haired boss

Posted in funny, Humor, idiotprufs, inspirational, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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