Hammock Time–U Can’t Touch This
The signs of spring are all around you:
- The sound of your neighbor cursing bitterly as he scrapes the ice from his car transitions to the sound of your neighbor cursing bitterly as he scrapes the bird crap from his car.
- The neighbor gets out his mooning garden gnome that will soon be facing your kitchen window.
- You get out your shovel that will soon be smashing a mooning garden gnome…allegedly.
- The final remnants of where Gerald the neighbor kid wrote insults to you in the snow with his pee, have melted away. (Gerald’s impressive vocabulary is surpassed only by his apparent bladder size.)
- You look into the purchase of an electrified fence just powerful enough to repel a small child.
- You dig out your hammock and prepare to hang it up.
Ah yes, that sweet summertime relaxation that is your hammock.
Every year you gleefully hang your hammock as you sing a song you’ve named Hammock Time. It’s a song that you’ve cleverly invented specifically for the annual occasion.
Note: Hammock Time is just U Can’t Touch This with the lyrics ‘hammer time’ replaced with the lyrics ‘hammock time.’ But you’re proud of it regardless.
Hammock placement is vital to reap the full supine benefits of the hammock experience. You had the perfect spot for your hammock until those butchers at Penelec decided no tree, branch, hedge, or growing life of any type should come within a thousand feet of their precious wires.
When choosing the proper location for your hammock, there are many factors to be taken into consideration:
- You want an area with a nice breeze.
- You want an area with shade.
- You need to be certain there isn’t a bird’s nest directly above you. You don’t want bird crap smacking you in the face when you’re trying to relax. You really don’t want bird crap smacking you in the face in general; it’s a simple issue of sanitation.
- Don’t put your hammock near a hornet’s nest; hornets are ill-tempered and have a twisted sense of boundary.
- Don’t put your hammock over a pit of vipers. If you drop something in that pit–that’s where it’s staying.
- If you can at all avoid it, don’t put your hammock on the edge of an active volcano. It only takes one pyroclastic flow to ruin your day.
- You need a spot that assures a modicum of privacy if you like to relax in the nude. (Just another reason to avoid hornet’s nests when placing your hammock.)
- You don’t want to place your hammock directly above another person’s hammock if your hammock isn’t properly secured and could potentially come crashing down on the person below you. (I’m looking at you, Lance.)
- Despite the many valuable life lessons I’m certain you learned from Gilligan’s Island, the placement of your hammock between two coconut trees is not one of those lessons. Coconut trees have coconuts. Coconuts + gravity + your face = eating through a straw.
- Don’t put your hammock anywhere Gerald the neighbor kid can reach you. If you have to dig a moat and fill it with piranha, do it.
If you’re anything like me, you are going to enjoy a summer filled with sweet Hammock Time.
Final note: If you are anything like me, you need to change everything about yourself immediately.