idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the tag “comedy”

16 Nov 2025
2 Comments

It’s National Button Day!

November 16th is National Button Day, a day to celebrate both the function and history of the button.
I’ll bet you didn’t know that, did you?
The holiday was founded in 1938 by the National Button Society.
I’m willing to wager you didn’t know that either; you probably didn’t even know the National Button Society even existed.
Philistine!
You’re probably one of those weirdos who’s all into zippers; what’s the matter with you?
Zippers are so crass and inelegant.
Buttons are clearly superior; no one has ever gotten their penis caught in a button. I mean, it’s happened to me a couple of times, but it’s rare.
November 16th is also the International Day for Tolerance; where’s your tolerance?
Zippers may be quicker and easier, but life is not all about convenience and ease; if it were, I wouldn’t live in a tent in the woods and have to fight raccoons for my food.
Don’t you think I’d rather have a functioning toilet rather than a rusty bucket with a hole in it?
Admittedly, it might be better to have a zipper on my tent rather than the buttons; they let the mosquitoes in.
But that is the sacrifice I am willing to make, so get your butt out there and start celebrating the hell out of buttons.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , ,
09 Oct 2025

Leaping Lad Causes Fires

It seems a local lad named Jack has run afoul of the authorities by causing multiple conflagrations while attempting to leap over lit candlesticks.

After reporting to another blaze, in which he nearly burned down the home of a friend, the fire chief had had enough.

“He lit his own home on fire on multiple occasions,” the fire chief related. “In the first instance, there was minimal damage. The second time, there was slightly more damage than the first. The third time that he set his home on fire, a quick-thinking friend put the fire out. The fourth time, it was a complete loss; we had to drag him out of the house with his hair still smoking.”

After that, he moved into a friend’s house, the same friend who had helped him previously, and whose house he immediately set on fire. He would end up living in a shack, which he promptly burned down. Now he lives in the woods; the forestry service is very concerned.

Despite the authorities’ best efforts, Jack has continued to be a problem.

“We have forbidden him from purchasing candles, owning candles, lighting candles, and jumping over said candles. We have also forbidden him from purchasing matches, disposable lighters, Zippo lighters, and those flint spark lighters that you have to squeeze repeatedly and are a pain in the ass to use, virtually anything that you can use to start a fire,” The local Constable told us disgustedly. “If we see him so much as rubbing two sticks together, we will arrest him.”

When pressed as to why he continues to attempt to leap over lit candles despite the calamity he’s been causing, Jack’s answer was simple. “Jumping over a lit candle is good luck.”

“Do you know what’s not good luck?” The Fire Chief responded, “Having to run into a blazing inferno; that’s what isn’t good luck.”

“How hard is it to jump over a candlestick? I mean, it’s not that tall.” The constable added in disbelief. “He is a fat little bastard.”

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
14 Jul 2025
3 Comments

Medusa Banned from Hair Salon

Island of Sarpedon–Athena, the proprietor of Athena’s Temple of Hair, Nails, and Greek Yogurt, has caused a stir by refusing to serve one of her most loyal customers.

“I’ve been going to Athena’s Temple for years,” a distraught Medusa commented. “Suddenly, it seems that my presence in her salon is a problem.”

“When Medusa and her sisters Stheno and Euryale would stop by, it was delightful,” Athena said. “They were all so easy to deal with, especially Medusa; she had flowing locks of golden hair with nary a split end–unfortunately, things are a little different now.”

“I got involved with Poseidon, became pregnant, and my body went through a few changes,” Medusa demanded, “is that so horrible? Quite frankly, it smacks of body shaming.”

“A few changes?” Athena responded indignantly. “Her hair was transformed into a writhing mass of hissing venomous snakes…and some of them are really mean. And that’s not the worst of it: her face is so hideous, merely gazing upon it turns a person to stone.”

“That’s a terrible thing to say about a person,” Medusa replied when informed of Athena’s statement.

“Do you know what’s even more terrible?” Athena retorted. “Being turned to stone. Did you notice all those statues I have in front of the Temple? They’re all former employees; do you have any idea what that does to your insurance?”

“I don’t deserve this treatment,” Medusa lamented.

“My best haircutter, Janice, sneezed just as she was turned to stone. Now her face is stuck in stone in that ridiculous position forever. Did Janice deserve that?” Athena asked.

“I don’t know what I’ll do now that I can’t go to Athena’s,” Medusa lamented.

“There’s a reptile farm down the street,” Athena replied tersely.

“That’s so very hurtful,” Medusa said as she wiped a tear from one of the serpent’s eyes.

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
08 Jul 2025

Builder to Sue Three Little Pigs

“It’s given the whole straw house industry a bad name,” Cyril Tottering, the proprietor of Tottering Straw Homes Inc., complained.
Mr. Tottering’s business has taken quite a financial hit since the story of the Three Little Pigs has gotten out.
“Those pigs are blatant liars,” Mr. Tottering asserted, “you can’t just blow down one of my straw houses.”
“I don’t know what to tell you,” the First Little Pig said, “The Big Bad Wolf huffed and puffed and coughed a bit; he was a smoker, but then he blew the house down.”
“My straw houses pass rigorous testing,” Mr. Tottering asserted.
“I guess none of that ‘rigorous testing’ involves a lit match,” the Third Little Pig responded snidely. “Tottering came around trying to sell me one of those crappy straw houses; I wouldn’t keep my dung pile in one of those things. My brother, the First Little Pig, kept bragging about how cheap his house was…look where that got him.”
“We could ask Mr. Wolf what really happened, but evidently, the pigs boiled him in oil,” Mr. Tottering explained. “That hardly seems like trustworthy behavior.”
“If you come down someone’s chimney uninvited, boiled in oil is what you’re gonna get,” The Third Little Pig stated. “We’re not just going to allow ourselves to be eaten-not by the hairs on our chinny chin chins.”
“What does that even mean: the hairs on our chinny chin chins? It pisses me off every time they say that.” Mr. Tottering scowled.
Mr. Tottering informed us that he and Mr. Dennis Flimsy, owner of Flimsy Stick Homes Inc., are teaming up to launch a defamation lawsuit against the Three Little Pigs.
“I wouldn’t keep my dung pile in one of those stick houses either,” the Third Little Pig chuckled. “Tottering and Flimsy: pretty aptly described if you ask me.”
“Those are our names!” Mr. Tottering yelled in exasperation.
“It seemed like an excellent deal at the time,” the First Little Pig explained.
“Who would think wolves have such lung capacity?” the Second Little Pig added.
Luckily for the Three Little Pigs, the Third Little Pig’s brick house was impervious to the wolf’s blowing.
“Our brother said that thing about his dung pile again, didn’t he?” the first little pig asked disgustedly.
“Yeah,” the second little pig said in conclusion, “he’s kind of a jerk about that big brick house of his.”

Posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
08 Mar 2025
2 Comments

It’s International Fanny Pack Day

We call it a fanny pack in America. It is also known as a waist wallet, belt bag, belly bag, chaos pouch, buffalo pouch, hip sack, butt pack, and moon bag.
(Personally, I would avoid using the phrase butt pack, but that’s just me.)
I think I can write without fear of hyperbole; the fanny pack is the greatest invention in the history of the world.
I know that the dude who invented the wheel was pretty full of himself about it, but that guy didn’t even have indoor plumbing–invent that, buddy.
Fanny packs are stylish and filled with utility; in France, where they’re known as a sac banane, you can fill them with rocks and beat mimes with them.
I believe every man, woman, and child should be adorned with a fanny pack; I also believe there is a cabal of evil mimes bent on world domination, but that’s a separate issue.
In the past, there has been a stigma toward men who wear fanny packs, but think of the useful things men can carry in a fanny pack: a phone, car keys, protein bars, a wallet, and, since they’re not using them, their testicles.
So, let’s all take a moment to celebrate International Fanny Pack Day.

Posted in funny, History, Humor and tagged , , , , , ,
18 Feb 2025
2 Comments

It’s National Pluto Day!

I woke up today in a state of pure joy and anticipation.
What was the impetus for this intense state of excitement?
Did I get a big promotion at work?
Not with my work ethic.
Did that pretty woman I asked on a date agree to go out with me?
I never got a definitive answer; by the time I’d wiped the pepper spray from my eyes, she was gone.
Did my order of Sea-Monkeys finally come in?
Are you crazy–I’m not Sea-Monkey excited.
Today is National Pluto Day.
An entire day to soak in the greatness of that loveable cartoon dog.
It is a little weird that he’s a dog owned by a mouse, but that aside, Pluto has brought joy to audiences for nearly a century.
I decorated extensively in preparation (balloons), but then I discovered National Pluto Day pertains to the dwarf planet Pluto and not the beloved animated pet.
I must admit that I was disappointed; Pluto isn’t even a proper planet anymore.
I wish my Sea-Monkeys had come today.
But then I rebounded; so what if Pluto isn’t a full planet anymore? I could still celebrate its existence.
Pluto was named after the Roman god of the underworld; that’s interesting, right?
Its existence was surmised in the late 19th century by observing perturbations in the orbit of Uranus. (Insert your own joke here.)
Visual confirmation of Pluto was made in 1930, and it subsequently became our solar system’s ninth planet.
However, in later years, many other objects were discovered orbiting in the same volume as Pluto, indicating that Pluto is part of a group called the Kuiper belt.
(Not to be confused by the belt worn by longtime major league infielder and broadcaster Duane Kuiper; they’re two different things.)
In 2006, Pluto lost its status as a planet and was reclassified as a dwarf planter; it’s all very sad.
On a more positive note, today is also National Flirting Day, so see if you can’t do something with that.

Posted in funny, History, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
16 Feb 2025
2 Comments

I Missed National Slap Day!

Did you know February 15th was National Slap Day?

Neither did I and now we’ve completely missed it; it makes me so angry.

Today is National Almond Day; what the hell am I supposed to do with that?

You might advise me not to cry over spilled milk, but National Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day was February 11th; I missed that one, too.

It makes me so furious that I want to slap someone, but I missed my opportunity.

My life is littered with regrets.

  • The time I saw a pretty girl, and I didn’t introduce myself.
  • The time I saw a pretty girl, and I did introduce myself. (The pepper spray was entirely uncalled for.)
  • Every time I’ve uttered the phrase ‘what’s the worst that could happen’ right before doing something really stupid.
  • The time as a child, I tried to melt Play-Doh on the stove.
  • The time as an adult, I tried to melt Play-Doh on the stove. (I’m not sure what I thought would have changed, certainly not smoke alarms.)
  • The time my uncle told me to grab the electric fence behind my grandmother’s house…and I listened to him.
  • The shocking amount of times I’ve underestimated the power of electricity.
  • When my girlfriend asked me, “How stupid do you think I am? ” and I gave a quantifying answer.
  • The sheer disappointment that is certain to be felt by anyone directed to this blog after searching for National Slap Day just to discover they have missed it.
  • The sheer disappointment this blog causes in general.
  • My Hello Kitty phase. (I’m just joking–I regret nothing about that!)
  • That I have once again missed National Toothache Day.

That’s right. February 9th was National Toothache Day, and it blew right past me.

The decorations never made it out of the box, and I completely forgot about the traditional National Toothache Day dinner: Gummi Bears, Mountain Dew, and a big heaping bowl of molasses, followed by poor oral hygiene.

I’m starting to feel anxious, but National Stress Day isn’t until November 4th.

You have no idea how much that stresses me out!

From this point forward, I’m marking my calendar.

I’ve already circled March 5th: National Multiple Personality Day.

Last year, I relied on one of my other personalities to remind me, but the only thing they ever told me was to kill again.

But this year, we’ll be ready.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , ,
13 Feb 2025
2 Comments

Don’t Answer; It’s a Trap

You’re sitting there casually watching the chick flick of her choice. It’s not a bad movie; you’re enjoying its whimsical humor. About two-thirds through the movie, just as you’ve become emotionally invested in the characters, she suddenly turns to you and pops this landmine under your feet: do you think Julia Roberts is prettier than me?

The following conversation results:

Her: Do you think Julia Roberts is prettier than me?

(You hear the landmine’s triggering mechanism click, and you’re afraid to move.)

You: Um…I don’t know.

Her: It’s a simple question. Do you think she’s prettier than me or not?

You: Of course not, you’re much prettier.

(You think you may have defused the landmine, but you still feel trepidatious about taking a step.)

Her: Why are you being a liar?

(Nope; still undefused.)

Her: If you think she’s pretty, you can say so.

You: Okay. I think Julia Roberts is attractive.

Her: Which is it? Is she pretty, or is she attractive?’

You: What’s the difference?

Her: If you don’t know the difference between the two words, how can you properly use either one?

You: I guess I would say she’s very attractive.

Her: Oh, so now she’s very attractive. Is she gorgeous?

You: I guess to some guys.

Her: What kind of guys?

You: Guys who…have the ability of sight.

(Several moments of uncomfortable silence.)

Her: I suppose you wish I looked like Julia Roberts.

You: No. I don’t need a woman who’s gorgeous; you’re fine.

(The sheer stupidity of the statement hits you immediately; an impending feeling that you won’t make it out of this alive is beginning to set in.)

Her: Do you want to know what I wish?

You: I sincerely doubt it.

Her: I wish you looked like Hugh Grant.

You: I wish I looked like Hugh Grant.

Her: You do?

You: Sure. Then I could find a girlfriend who looks like Julia Roberts.

(Deafening silence. You can’t stand on the landmine much longer before your legs give out.)

Her: Maybe I should just make an appointment with a plastic surgeon tomorrow and get all my horrible flaws fixed.

You: Don’t bother; I don’t think the plastic surgeon can fix bitchy.

(Boom! Body parts are everywhere.)

Don’t feel too bad; you never stood a chance. It was an old, faulty Soviet landmine; it was going to go off no matter what.

Posted in funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , ,
05 Feb 2025

What the Hell, Google?

The other day, I went to Google in search of a bit of information, as I am an inquisitive individual, and I began my request with the word what.

A perfectly normal word with which to begin a search for knowledge.

If I had typed in the question, what is a perfectly normal word to begin a search for knowledge, the word what could have readily been the answer.

However, as I typed in the word what and hit the space bar, Google, without hesitation, auto-filled the remainder of my question with: what mushrooms shouldn’t you eat out of cow poop?

What the hell, Google?

That’s not even remotely the question I was going to ask, and I’m a little offended that you presumed that was the direction I was heading.

In fact, Google, you popped that out so quickly it was as if you were just waiting for me to type the word what so you could shove that remark about the mushrooms in cow poop in my face.

If I had typed in the word who, would you have responded with: who likes to eat mushrooms out of cow poop, you maybe?

Maybe I was about to inquire about the unified field theory and how it allows all fundamental forces and elementary particles to be written in terms of a single type of field or about the influence of French Baroque architecture on the 17th century.

I wasn’t going to ask either of those things; I was going to ask if Dandelion Yellow crayons actually taste like dandelions, but you didn’t know that.

I was curious because the Banana Mania-colored crayons tasted absolutely nothing like bananas — I mean, they weren’t even close.

I wrote a strongly worded letter to the Crayola company regarding their false advertising.

It’s not even a question I need answered; you should almost never eat mushrooms out of cow poop. When I say almost never, I mean only do it when nobody is watching.

If Crayola had a color named Mushrooms in Cow Poop, I certainly wouldn’t eat that; I’ve had enough disappointment in my life.

What if someone had been trying to ask an important question such as, what shall I do? My husband is being attacked by a pack of vicious mink?

But you respond with your nonsense about mushrooms in cow poop. By the time that poor person has the answers they need, those mink will have chewed that man’s ears off and run away with them.

It’s what mink do; that’s why they used to make coats out of them.

So, from this point forward, you can keep your opinions to yourself. Let me ask the questions.

Questions like: what is the best way to get crayon out of your teeth? That’s a question that needs to be answered.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
31 Jan 2025
3 Comments

So Many Questions

I recently saw a news story that had the following opening sentence.

“Texas Longhorns assistant football coach Jeff Banks and his stripper ex-girlfriend have tied the knot three years after being sued by the parents of a child who the stripper’s pet monkey bit at a neighborhood haunted house display.”

Is that not awesome?

Five questions immediately leaped to mind:

  1. Why did the article refer to Jeff Banks’s wife as his ex-girlfriend; you had a friend who introduced his wife to people as his ex-girlfriend, she would punch him in the face.
  2. Why was the pet monkey at the haunted house? I feel like monkeys are easily startled.
  3. Did the monkey bite the child because it was startled, or was it just a mean monkey? Was the child a brat child who was taunting it?
  4. Was the brat child okay, or did the child acquire some weird monkey disease, grow fur and a tail and start flinging poop around?
  5. Was the pet monkey just a pet, or was it a part of the stripper’s act?

Well, the article answered none of these questions; it just droned on about how beautiful the bride looked and what a joyous occasion it was.

It did disseminate the bit of information that the bride’s stripper name was “Pole Assassin,” which was an appreciated tidbit.

I’ll bet the monkey’s name was Glitter.

I’d also wager the kid was a brat who had it coming.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , ,

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