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idiotprufs

the blog that made the pope laugh so hard he peed himself.

Archive for the month “July, 2019”

EPD Looking For Dork

gooferie

The Erie Police Department is asking for the public’s help in finding the dork pictured
above in connection with a retail theft from WalMart.

The above pictured dork is easily identifiable by the “Moe” bowl haircut and goofy grin.
Erie Police are currently checking with all known lousy hair stylists in the area,
to see if this dorkus malorkus had been in the
barber chair within the last few weeks.

EPD advises that if you encounter the above dork, call
the Corry Barracks. Troopers caution not to engage the dork, as there
may be a chance his dorkiness could rub off on the general public.

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Walmart: Half Eaten Cakes and Jackbooted Thugs

Walmart: home of the jackbooted thug.

I recently happened upon a news story about a woman being banned from a Walmart in Wichita Falls, Texas, because she ate half a cake and refused to pay for the uneaten part.

How dare those totalitarian jackbooted thugs at Walmart.

Who hasn’t felt a little peckish and decided to pop into a Walmart, eat half a cake and then been on their way?

I myself once stopped into a Walmart, wolfed down half a bag of frozen chimichangas, and then stopped by a Home Depot to take a crap in one of their display toilets.

Now, I will gladly pay for the chimichangas, but I’m not forking over a single red cent for that toilet, regardless of what jackbooted judge says. Nor will I heed the counsel from my good-for-nothing, parasitic, money-sucking, lawyer.

Note: I know what you’re thinking: the phrase good-for-nothing, parasitic, money-sucking, lawyer is rife with redundancy. It is indeed.

I’m not allowed in Home Depot anymore, but that’s mostly because it’s outside the range of my ankle tether (unrelated issue.)

Note: for a company whose tagline is “More Saving. More Doing.” the people at Home Depot sure are touchy about going.  

Listen Walmart, people are going to come into your store hungry. If you leave cake right out in the open, it’s going be eaten. If a person came into your establishment naked, would you not expect them to take garments from the rack and clothe themselves? I would think you would want them to do so. I would think you would encourage it.

So lay off on all the jackbootedness, people of Walmart.

Whether it’s cake, half a bag of frozen chimichangas, or a two liter bottle of root beer, (it takes an entire two liter bottle of root beer to wash down half a bag of frozen chimichangas) just learn to let things go.

Final Note: why did I eat half a bag of frozen chimichangas? Because the microwaves are all the way on the other side of the store and they’re not even plugged in. You’ve got a lot of issues to deal with, Walmart.

Sure, she’s all smiles now, but take a crap in one toilet and she gets all crazy with accusation.

Man Jailed After Destructive Tirade

monkey North East PA

Monkey shocked by recent events.

North East, Pennsylvania–In a bizarre story involving a construction site, a mischievous monkey, and a bulldozer; a man was taken into custody following a destructive tirade.

It seems the man, who was traveling with the monkey, had stopped at a local market to pick up a few things. While he was inside, the monkey made his way across the street and onto a construction site where he found an idling bulldozer.

I look up and I see the bulldozer tearing across the lot,” said Dirk, one of the construction workers who witnessed the incident. “I thought that Earl had lost his mind, but then I look and I see this freakin’ monkey, and he’s driving the bulldozer. We always joke with Earl that a monkey could drive a bulldozer…I guess we were right.”

According to Dirk, the monkey swerved around the lot before making a beeline toward the Porta-Johns. “Guys were jumping up and down and waving the monkey away from the Porta-Johns…the monkey just waved back. The bulldozer hit those Porta-Johns, and they went flying through the air. They hit the ground and blew into pieces; they really aren’t made for that type of thing. It’s a good thing no one was in them…except for Earl that is.”

Yeah that’s right,” another witness confirmed. “From out of the Porta-John rubble climbs Earl, covered with crap, literally.”

According to witnesses, it was at this point the man in question arrived.

This guy dressed in a yellow suit comes running across the lot and screaming at the monkey. I mean, from head to toe everything he’s got on is yellow–that’s weird isn’t it?” Dirk commented.

Everyone agreed that it was a little weird.

So now the guy is chasing the monkey on the bulldozer. He’s trying to grab the monkey but the monkey won’t let him. Each time the guy gets close, the monkey hurls crap at him. The monkey is steering with one hand and hurling crap with the other. He really puts Earl to shame…driving a bulldozer I mean–not hurling crap.  Anyway, the guy in yellow is ducking and dodging the monkey crap, and he’s really quick, like he’s done this before. But then, he catches one square in the forehead. The guy just stops dead in his tracks, he gets this crazy look in his eyes and he starts screaming: ‘that’s it, that’s the limit.'”

Many of the witnesses told the authorities they had never seen a man with such a wild look in his eyes.

I guess the monkey could tell he was in trouble, because it jumps off the bulldozer and tears off. Then the man in yellow hat gets on the bulldozer, and now he’s chasing the monkey. He’s smashing through walls and knocking things over, the monkey’s scrambling around with the bulldozer right on his tail. The monkey climbs over a pick-up truck to get away, but the man just plows into the truck, and the truck flips over. Earl’s screaming and running over there because it’s his truck.

The police arrived on the scene shortly afterward.

I just couldn’t take it anymore,” the man in yellow told police as they took him away. “He just keeps getting into more and more trouble, and it’s really pissing me off.

Animal control came and retrieved the monkey, but not before the monkey stole their tranquilizer gun, climbed a pole, and put four rounds in Earl’s buttocks.

It was not a good day for Earl.

When asked to comment, Earl said only, “F******  monkey.”

I heard the man in yellow refer to the monkey as George,” Dirk said reflectively. “That monkey sure was a curious little thing.”

porta-john

Pre-monkey Porta-Johns.

Frontier Park Slide Too Costly, Catapult to be Added Instead

gooferie

With the lone bid for a proposed slide at Frontier Park coming in over budget, officials at the nonprofit group L.E.A.F. have changed plans, and will now build a catapult that will transport visitors from one end of the park to another.

According to spokesperson Bobby “Bo” Tannicle, the catapult will actually be an improvement over the slide. “The slide would have only taken people 40 feet. With the catapult, we can send people over 100 feet, and can land them in various sections of the park.”

Tannicle added, “Since safety of park visitors is a concern, those using the catapult will be required to wear a helmet.”

L.E.A.F. officials are currently checking out front lawns on the lower east side to gather used mattresses to cushion the landing zones.

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Own Worst Critic?

I recently heard you say that you are your own worst critic.

You clearly have no idea what people are saying behind your back. You don’t seem to grasp what people are saying to your face.

In fact, you seem to be far more pleased with yourself than the facts or the opinions of others would justify.

Maybe you just don’t understand what the word repugnant means. The word repugnant is not positive.

Nor is the word maximum-repugnacious.

Maximum-repugnacious is a made-up word. People are coining new derogatory phrases to describe you–that’s bad.

The breadth of the English language doesn’t contain enough pejorative terms to adequately describe your horribleness.

Let’s look at the definition of the word repugnant:

adjective
distasteful, objectionable, or offensive:
a repugnant smell.
making opposition; averse.
opposed or contrary, as in nature or character.

When your name crops up in the same sentence as words like: repugnant, distasteful, objectional, offensive, malodorous, repulsive, vomit-inducing, or shit-for-brains, it isn’t positive.

Regardless of how many times you’ve been referred to as shit-for-brains, you never seem to take it as an insult.

Why do you think people don’t describe Albert Einstein as that shit-for-brains patent clerk who eventually did something sciency?

It would take a shit-for-brains person to say something like that about Albert Einstein. Do you remember the time you said that about Albert Einstein?

I guess my point is: your critics are voluminous and well deserved.

You’re probably readings this right now, chuckling to yourself, and thinking: I wonder who this is about.

You shit-for-brains.

Albert Einstein: unlike you, not a shit-for-brains.

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