My Sincerest Apologies
This pales in comparison to that oversight.
Yesterday was National Sea-Monkey Day.
I MISSED NATIONAL SEA-MONKEY DAY!
What the hell? It feels like I just woke up on December, 26th and thought to myself: it feels like I missed something yesterday–why do I crave eggnog?
Sea-Monkeys have been such a huge part of my life and this blog. I even wrote an entire post about how Sea-Monkeys are preferable to my aunts and uncles.
(But to be fair, a rotting bloated corpse infected with Ebola is preferable to my aunts and uncles.)
I’ve laughed with Sea-Monkeys. I’ve wept with Sea-Monkeys. I can’t think of a single important event in my life of which Sea-Monkeys weren’t an integral part.
(Except maybe when I lost my virginity–there were no Sea-Monkeys involved with that–I’m not a weirdo.)
Sea-Monkeys are fantastic companions:
- They’re great listeners.
- They almost never interrupt you.
- They don’t hog the bathroom–they go right in the bowl.
- They never take the last beer.
- They laugh with me, not at me.
- They hate mimes as much as I do.
- They never touch the remote–they’re happy with what I want to watch.
- They never get anchovies on the pizza–anchovies are their natural enemies.
- They’re really into William Blake.
- And if for some reason they do act up a little, I can just leave a bottle of cocktail sauce by their bowl. They’re brine shrimp–they get the picture.
I want to extend my deepest and most sincere apologies to all of the Sea-Monkeys out there: I will never let you down again.
Final Note: There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that I once guzzled a bowl of Sea-Monkeys on a drunken dare. It is a heinous fabrication of the worst kind. A vicious, nasty, horrible, deliciously salty lie.