idiotpruf

Alternate Plans and Lake Erie

My plans to go over Niagra Falls in a barrel have continued to be wrought with issues.
The latest problem to stunt my efforts is the silliest of them yet: apparently, going over Niagra Falls in a barrel is illegal.
I thought Canadians were supposed to be all laid back and polite. But just try to get into Canada with a barrel strapped to the top of your car; the battery of accusatory glances and snide comments is withering.
What is the freaking point of having an internationally famous waterfall if you can’t go over it in a barrel? Do you think people go to Niagra Falls just go to Niagra Falls to stare at the water? No! They go to Niagra Falls to see courageous adventurers tempt fate in a death-defying act of bravery. And possibly die horribly.
“Why don’t you just go over the American side of the falls?”
Because the American side is the crappy side, and everybody knows it. The American Falls is the Horseshoe Falls’ irritating little runt brother that nobody cares about. Just posing the question feels like you’re rubbing that fact in my face.
So, I have decided to put my barrel plans on hold. My new focus is on my attempt to swim across Lake Erie. It’s perfectly legal; people do it all the time.
People traverse the 24 miles from Long Point, Canada, to Freeport Beach in North East, Pennsylvania on a regular basis.

Individuals are even encouraged and sometimes sponsored to swim across Lake Erie. Did you know the water in Lake Erie that people are openly allowed to swim in is the same water that later goes over Niagra Falls? That odor you smell in the air is the stench of hypocrisy…there’s also a lot of dead fish in Lake Erie.

And as a side note, Canadian bacon is just ham. Stop calling it bacon. Something called Canadian bacon should be real bacon slathered in maple syrup.

The only drawback I can foresee in this endeavor is that I’m not a classically strong swimmer. What I do in water could be categorized less as swimming and more as splashing about in a vague attempt to avoid drowning.
But I have a solution: I will reverse the process and swim from Freeport Beach in North East, Pennsylvania, to Long Point, Canada.
You see, North East, Pennsylvania is not the most pleasant place; it’s a detestable pit of horror.
If you have read this blog at all in the past (my apologies if you have), you probably know that I have detailed in great length North East’s many problems, not the least of which is its rampant infestation of bands of inbred cannibals.
You may wonder which is the more embarrassing problem for the small community: all of the incestuous inbreeding or all of the wanton cannibalism?
Neither. It’s the fact that they have a goat for mayor, and that goat is as stupid as he is arrogant. His name is Steve, and he is a jerk.
Steve routinely minces around town in a drunken stupor, head-butting random pedestrians into traffic and crapping on the sidewalk in all the places where people walk the most.
He is also very fiscally irresponsible.
If I begin my trek across Lake Erie from Freeport Beach in North East, Pennsylvania rather than in Long Point, Canada, my sheer desire to distance myself from North East should propel me halfway across the lake like I was shot out of a canon.
And once you’re out in the middle of Lake Erie, the impetus to keep going becomes quite strong.
This plan is idiotproof.
I will keep you updated on my progress.

Addendum: if this fails, maybe I’ll try being shot out of a cannon.