idiotprufs

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Archive for the tag “facebook”

Welcome to Facebook! Please Accept Our 137,000 Page Terms of Use Policy — Jamison Writes

If enough users agree to The Terms, maybe Lord Zuckerberg will finally put the doors back on the bathroom stalls and stop broadcasting our personal phone calls over the company PA system.

via Welcome to Facebook! Please Accept Our 137,000 Page Terms of Use Policy — Jamison Writes

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Just Keeping it Real?

rude

A few posts back I mentioned my displeasure with people excusing their ill-behavior by saying, “I’m just keeping it real.”

Recently I’ve encountered several memes in this vein littering Facebook.

I'm not rude

Let us be clear about this: rudeness and honesty are not mutually exclusive traits. I would argue much rudeness is simply an expression of unnecessary honesty.

Let’s say you see a person who you believe could stand to lose a few pounds and you say, “hey fatty, you need to lay off Ding-Dings before you go into a sugar coma.”

Honest: very possibly.

Rude: without question.

If you meet a person you find to be less than attractive and you utter something like, “you know, the thought of dating you makes me vomit in my mouth a little.”

Honest: why not?

Rude: absolutely. (Plus, I was having a bad hair day so it really wasn’t fair.)

If you take a bite of your aunt’s potato salad at a family picnic, and you gag then loudly proclaim that it tastes like a monkey peed on death…well that’s just funny.

Then there’s this meme: I'm not rude meme

Knowing and having been around some of the people who have slapped memes such as this one on their Facebook page; I can state without fear of contradiction: you and I have never been thinking the same thing. Ever!

In fact, the words that tumble from your lips tend to be quite shocking.

It’s not shocking that you’ve said them; it’s just shocking that they’re the product of an undiseased human brain.

But this is the meme I really appreciate:hoenst bitch

Let’s take those exact same words and rearrange them slightly:

I’m not just brutally honest. I’m a bitch.

Is that rude?

Hey, I’m just trying to keep real.

It Doesn’t Meme a Thing

crazy girl meme

I’ve been seeing this meme crop up quite a bit recently, and it’s starting to bother me.

What are you really saying about yourself when you slap this on your Facebook page?

IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE MY HOME COOKED MEALS WHEN THEY’RE RIFE WITH SALMONELLA.

YOU DESERVE MY HOME COOKED MEALS WHEN THEY’RE NOT INDUCING PROJECTILE VOMIT.

OR

IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE MY PUBLIC MELTDOWN WHEN YOU DIDN’T IMMEDIATELY AGREE WITH ME WHEN I SAID OUR WAITRESS LOOKS LIKE A WHORE.

YOU DON’T DESRVE ME WHEN I’M NOT HURLING UTENSILS ACROSS A CROWDED RESTAURANT.

OR

IF YOU CAN’T HANLDE ME WHEN I’M STABBING YOU IN THE FACE WITH A BAYONET. 

YOU DESREVE ME WHEN I’M NOT STABBING YOU IN THE FACE WITH A BAYONET.

OR

I’M A PHYCHO!

woman crazy

“You don’t deserve me when I’m not trying to murder you in your sleep.”

 

It’s Complicated

the office

WARNING: If you happen to be one of those progressively minded individuals whose relationship status on Facebook is “it’s complicated” you are about to be mocked.

Will you be mocked mercilessly?

Perhaps. Let’s just see how things go.

There are many things in this world that are complicated:

  • Differential equations.
  • Neurosurgery.
  • String theory.
  • The proposition of an interdimensional rift.
  • Navigating a four-way stop in rural Pennsylvania. (You know who you are.)
  • Explaining Schrodinger’s cat to a dog. (Obviously cats get it.)
  • Explaining Schrodinger’s cat to a Sociology major named Brenda.

WARNING: Sociology majors named Brenda may also take a hit in this post.

  • The musical constructs of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
  • The paintings of Salvador Dali.
  • Trying to ascertain the reason for the Kardashian’s mystifying popularity.
kardashians

It’s mystifying.

There are several reasons a person might choose ‘it’s complicated’ to represent their relationship status:

  • They’re dating their second-cousin and they’re not quite sure if it’s legal in their state of residence. However, they are certain that it is just a bit icky.
  • The relationship status of the person they’re currently involved with is married. As is the status of that person’s spouse.
  • Facebook doesn’t currently provide the option: stalking someone.
  • You’re a Sociology major named Brenda.
  • You’re one of those weirdos who married themselves. Let’s be honest, being married to yourself is just the same as being single, but sad and a little creepy.
  • You’re one of those weirdos who married a tree. Just think of the uncomfortable places you’re going to get splinters.
  • You’re a Sociology major named Brenda who divorced yourself to marry a tree you had previously been stalking. (You then dumped the tree for a lumberjack–the ultimate betrayal.)
  • You thought it was: it’s complimentary. Because everyone just says glowing things about you…despite the fact you were married to a tree.
  • It’s complicated sounds better than I’m a man slut.
  • It’s not really that complicated–you’re just not that bright.

My advice: just leave your relationship status blank…or date a tree, it’s up to you.

Her name is Willow, and she is delightful.

Her name is Willow and she is delightful.

 

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