idiotpruf

Resolve Me? Resolve You: 2015 Edition

As the new year has arrived, the annual acts of introspection, personal assessment and deep soul-searching are effervescing across the nation, inspiring the populace to acts of self-improvement.

Spurred by these acts of self-improvement, the New Year’s resolutions abound.

Some resolutions are to purge undesirable habits: smoking, picking your nose, being Justin Bieber, punching your idiot uncle in the face.

Some resolutions are to adopt desirable habits: a healthy diet, good hygiene, not being Justin Bieber, punching your idiot uncle in the face.

Note: go ahead and punch your idiot uncle in the face; he has it coming.

Some people resolve to simply approach life with a more positive attitude toward their fellow man, by improving themselves, they feel that they can improve others.

To all of this I have one response: Wake Up! Your fellow man sucks. You’re  awesome, it’s everybody else that needs to change.

To that end, here is 2015’s list of resolutions for others:

• Don’t walk around on December 31st and say, “see you next year” to everyone you meet.
• Don’t respond to that guy by poking him in the eyes and saying, “now you won’t” regardless of how appropriate it may seem.
• If somebody says something you find funny, just laugh like a normal human being, don’t say lol out loud.
• Don’t pepper your speech with the phrase “that’s what she said” in order to turn every innocuous statement into a double entendre.
• Don’t pronounce the T in the word often, it’s silent, perhaps you should be also.

Note: I know pronouncing the T in the word often is a small thing, but for some reason it really irritates you.

• Don’t ride your skateboard in the middle of the street; a skateboard has never won a battle against a Buick.
• Don’t run around showing people pictures of a footprint that you think is indisputable proof of Bigfoot. Your wife’s sister likes to walk around barefoot, and she has hobbit feet.
• Don’t name your new mooning garden gnome, Willard.
• Don’t place your new mooning garden gnome, Willard, facing your neighbor’s kitchen window.
• Don’t act all surprised when your new mooning garden gnome, Willard, is mysteriously smashed to bits in the middle of the night.
• Don’t accuse your neighbor of things you can’t prove.
• Don’t inadvertently set your garage on fire, while attempting to rid it of a hornet’s nest. The result is half of a garage and a cloud of pissed off hornets.
• If you’re a fireman: don’t cruelly mock someone who’s garage is on fire.
• If you’re a mime: don’t be.
• Don’t drive around town in a pick-up truck covered with bullet-hole decals.
• Don’t drive around town in a pick-up truck with a grill guard that reads: Dirty Harry.
• Don’t drive around town in a pick-up truck, constantly honking a horn that plays Dixie, when you’ve never lived anywhere but western New York.
• If the following three resolutions pertain to the same person and pick-up truck, and that person is you, just admit that you’re a jackass.
• Don’t bring the express lane at the supermarket to a screeching halt by getting into a protracted conversation with the cashier, about your brother Alan. We’re all upset that he’s back in jail, but if you’re on probation you shouldn’t smoke crack.
• If you’re on probation, don’t smoke crack in your car while driving over the speed limit…or on the sidewalk.
• Don’t post proof of your probationary violations on Facebook with the description: look what I did.
• Don’t tweet about your incriminating Facebook post just to make sure that everyone sees it.
• Don’t drive slowly in the fast lane, you are screwing-up traffic in a profound way.
• Don’t assure someone that you have beer in your fridge, and then hand them a Natural Light.
• Don’t try to pretend that Natural Light is anything more than beer flavored water.
• All babies look the same; put the damn photos away.

Correction: all babies look the same except for your baby; your baby looks like a potato.

• Everything your child does and says is not precious, unless by precious you mean: annoying beyond the ability to be described with words, and possibly illegal.
• It’s never good to start a story with the phrase: my child did the most precious thing juvenile court today.
• Don’t get all pissy when you see something on a list you think may pertain to you; it does pertain to you, learn from it.
• Finally and simply: don’t pretend you’re not a moron, if you are a moron (you all know who you are).

Willard R.I.P.
We barely knew you.