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Resolve Me? Resolve You: 2015 Edition

calvinAs the new year has arrived, the annual acts of introspection, personal assessment and deep soul-searching are effervescing across the nation, inspiring the populace to acts of self-improvement.

Spurred by these acts of self-improvement, the New Year’s resolutions abound.

Some resolutions are to purge undesirable habits: smoking, picking your nose, being Justin Bieber, punching your idiot uncle in the face.

Some resolutions are to adopt desirable habits: a healthy diet, good hygiene, not being Justin Bieber, punching your idiot uncle in the face.

Note: go ahead and punch your idiot uncle in the face; he has it coming.

Some people resolve to simply approach life with a more positive attitude toward their fellow man, by improving themselves, they feel that they can improve others.

To all of this I have one response: Wake Up! Your fellow man sucks. You’re  awesome, it’s everybody else that needs to change.

To that end, here is 2015’s list of resolutions for others:

  • Don’t walk around on December 31st and say, “see you next year” to everyone you meet.
  • Don’t respond to that guy by poking him in the eyes and saying, “now you won’t” regardless of how appropriate it may seem.
  • If somebody says something you find funny, just laugh like a normal human being, don’t say lol out loud.
  • Don’t pepper your speech with the phrase “that’s what she said” in order to turn every innocuous statement into a double entendre.
  • Don’t pronounce the T in the word often, it’s silent, perhaps you should be also.

Note: I know pronouncing the T in the word often is a small thing, but for some reason it really irritates you.

  • Don’t ride your skateboard in the middle of the street; a skateboard has never won a battle against a Buick.
  • Don’t run around showing people pictures of a footprint that you think is indisputable proof of Bigfoot. Your wife’s sister likes to walk around barefoot, and she has hobbit feet.
  • Don’t name your new mooning garden gnome, Willard.
  • Don’t place your new mooning garden gnome, Willard, facing your neighbor’s kitchen window.
  • Don’t act all surprised when your new mooning garden gnome, Willard, is mysteriously smashed to bits in the middle of the night.
  • Don’t accuse your neighbor of things you can’t prove.
  • Don’t inadvertently set your garage on fire, while attempting to rid it of a hornet’s nest. The result is half of a garage and a cloud of pissed off hornets.
  • If you’re a fireman: don’t cruelly mock someone who’s garage is on fire.
  • If you’re a mime: don’t be.
  • Don’t drive around town in a pick-up truck covered with bullet-hole decals.
  • Don’t drive around town in a pick-up truck with a grill guard that reads: Dirty Harry.
  • Don’t drive around town in a pick-up truck, constantly honking a horn that plays Dixie, when you’ve never lived anywhere but western New York.
  • If the following three resolutions pertain to the same person and pick-up truck, and that person is you, just admit that you’re a jackass.
  • Don’t bring the express lane at the supermarket to a screeching halt by getting into a protracted conversation with the cashier, about your brother Alan. We’re all upset that he’s back in jail, but if you’re on probation you shouldn’t smoke crack.
  • If you’re on probation, don’t smoke crack in your car while driving over the speed limit…or on the sidewalk.
  • Don’t post proof of your probationary violations on Facebook with the description: look what I did.
  • Don’t tweet about your incriminating Facebook post just to make sure that everyone sees it.
  • Don’t drive slowly in the fast lane, you are screwing-up traffic in a profound way.
  • Don’t assure someone that you have beer in your fridge, and then hand them a Natural Light.
  • Don’t try to pretend that Natural Light is anything more than beer flavored water.
  • All babies look the same; put the damn photos away.

Correction: all babies look the same except for your baby; your baby looks like a potato.

  • Everything your child does and says is not precious, unless by precious you mean: annoying beyond the ability to be described with words, and possibly illegal.
  • It’s never good to start a story with the phrase: my child did the most precious thing juvenile court today.
  • Don’t get all pissy when you see something on a list you think may pertain to you; it does pertain to you, learn from it.
  • Finally and simply: don’t pretend you’re not a moron, if you are a moron (you all know who you are).
Willard R.I.P.  We barely knew you.

Willard R.I.P.
We barely knew you.

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30 thoughts on “Resolve Me? Resolve You: 2015 Edition

  1. You gotta pronounce the T in often. “Offin” means you are going to kill some one in Sicilian English.


  2. Well this post is the reason I now have a small pool of coffee in my lap – thanks. ‘If you’re a mime: don’t be’ made me snort to the extent that my boss did a big frown. Thanks 🙂


  3. longchaps2 on said:

    Good God. Willard. That is a kick punt waiting to happen. I’m going to admit I DO pronounce the “T” in often. BUT I don’t add an “r” to washing. Are we still good?


  4. That photo told me much, much more about Willard than I needed to know.


  5. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! *(laughing so hard I feel a hairball coming on)- aiming at Justin Beiber!! MOL!😸


  6. I love your Calvin and Hobbes cartoon because that is exactly how I feel about resolutions.

    I’d also add to the resolution pile by telling everyone that each of my blog post and/or Facebook posts are not about you. I’m not trying to write about you or comment on you or your behavior. Sorry, everything isn’t about you!


  7. Love this post!

    Except for one thing… The ‘t’ in often is only silent in American English.

    Us English folk pronounce the ‘t’ so it annoys the shit out of me when you don’t!

    You guys also seem to have something against having ‘u’ in a word but that’s for another time 🙂

    Happy New Yetar!


  8. The only New Years resolution I was able to keep was the year I vowed not to be Justin Bieber.
    These resolutions are all very good, but you can’t fix stupid.


  9. It’s shameful, but I pronounce the “T” in “often”. Even as I type this, my brain is saying it. Can’t be helped, I suppose :/


  10. Some of your points could be shortened:
    do not put out a garden gnome – unless you are 95 and want to prove that there is evolution
    do not drive a pick-up truck – unless you are working in gardening or have a small building company
    and I am glad then, that I did not say “see you next year” on December 31st, but “see you 2015” on December 30th .. not guilty 😉


  11. All the more reason to ride your skateboard in the middle of the street.


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