Resolve Me? Resolve You: 2015 Edition
Spurred by these acts of self-improvement, the New Year’s resolutions abound.
Some resolutions are to purge undesirable habits: smoking, picking your nose, being Justin Bieber, punching your idiot uncle in the face.
Some resolutions are to adopt desirable habits: a healthy diet, good hygiene, not being Justin Bieber, punching your idiot uncle in the face.
Note: go ahead and punch your idiot uncle in the face; he has it coming.
Some people resolve to simply approach life with a more positive attitude toward their fellow man, by improving themselves, they feel that they can improve others.
To all of this I have one response: Wake Up! Your fellow man sucks. You’re awesome, it’s everybody else that needs to change.
To that end, here is 2015’s list of resolutions for others:
- Don’t walk around on December 31st and say, “see you next year” to everyone you meet.
- Don’t respond to that guy by poking him in the eyes and saying, “now you won’t” regardless of how appropriate it may seem.
- If somebody says something you find funny, just laugh like a normal human being, don’t say lol out loud.
- Don’t pepper your speech with the phrase “that’s what she said” in order to turn every innocuous statement into a double entendre.
- Don’t pronounce the T in the word often, it’s silent, perhaps you should be also.
Note: I know pronouncing the T in the word often is a small thing, but for some reason it really irritates you.
- Don’t ride your skateboard in the middle of the street; a skateboard has never won a battle against a Buick.
- Don’t run around showing people pictures of a footprint that you think is indisputable proof of Bigfoot. Your wife’s sister likes to walk around barefoot, and she has hobbit feet.
- Don’t name your new mooning garden gnome, Willard.
- Don’t place your new mooning garden gnome, Willard, facing your neighbor’s kitchen window.
- Don’t act all surprised when your new mooning garden gnome, Willard, is mysteriously smashed to bits in the middle of the night.
- Don’t accuse your neighbor of things you can’t prove.
- Don’t inadvertently set your garage on fire, while attempting to rid it of a hornet’s nest. The result is half of a garage and a cloud of pissed off hornets.
- If you’re a fireman: don’t cruelly mock someone who’s garage is on fire.
- If you’re a mime: don’t be.
- Don’t drive around town in a pick-up truck covered with bullet-hole decals.
- Don’t drive around town in a pick-up truck with a grill guard that reads: Dirty Harry.
- Don’t drive around town in a pick-up truck, constantly honking a horn that plays Dixie, when you’ve never lived anywhere but western New York.
- If the following three resolutions pertain to the same person and pick-up truck, and that person is you, just admit that you’re a jackass.
- Don’t bring the express lane at the supermarket to a screeching halt by getting into a protracted conversation with the cashier, about your brother Alan. We’re all upset that he’s back in jail, but if you’re on probation you shouldn’t smoke crack.
- If you’re on probation, don’t smoke crack in your car while driving over the speed limit…or on the sidewalk.
- Don’t post proof of your probationary violations on Facebook with the description: look what I did.
- Don’t tweet about your incriminating Facebook post just to make sure that everyone sees it.
- Don’t drive slowly in the fast lane, you are screwing-up traffic in a profound way.
- Don’t assure someone that you have beer in your fridge, and then hand them a Natural Light.
- Don’t try to pretend that Natural Light is anything more than beer flavored water.
- All babies look the same; put the damn photos away.
Correction: all babies look the same except for your baby; your baby looks like a potato.
- Everything your child does and says is not precious, unless by precious you mean: annoying beyond the ability to be described with words, and possibly illegal.
- It’s never good to start a story with the phrase: my child did the most precious thing juvenile court today.
- Don’t get all pissy when you see something on a list you think may pertain to you; it does pertain to you, learn from it.
- Finally and simply: don’t pretend you’re not a moron, if you are a moron (you all know who you are).