Erie to Fight Deer Population With Hyenas
Erie, PA–At a recent city council meeting, residents expressed their growing concerns over the city’s increasing deer population.
It seems the deer are everywhere: in the streets, in people’s backyards, and even occasionally encroaching on private residences. “I was sitting in my bathroom doing my business and reading the most recent copy of Weak-bladders Monthly when a deer burst through the door and bit me in the forehead…now I have Lyme disease,” Sam Rizzo, a resident, told the council.
When a council member pointed out to Mr. Rizzo that that’s not how Lyme disease is spread, Mr. Rizzo bit the council member in the forehead, and now they both have Lyme Disease.
“The deer are everywhere,” resident Ron Smith said at the meeting, “I was carrying a case of beer into my house when I slipped in a pile of deer crap and fell. All but four of the bottles broke–how am I supposed to get drunk now? Also, I think Sam just peed himself.”
“There’s no simple solution,” a council member stated. “We were hoping the already present gunfire that occurs randomly within city limits would pick off some of the deer, but that has proved unfruitful.”
After much deliberation, the city council has decided to release packs of hyenas randomly around the city.
When pressed about the potential danger of having hyenas prowling the streets, Health Director Philip Weedly had the following response. “Sure, some of our slower citizens will likely be picked off by the hyenas, but let’s be honest, it might just force our citizenry to get in better shape.”
The motion to release the hyenas was passed unanimously.
It was also brought up that it may be best to keep your pets inside for the foreseeable future.
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