A Permanent Cure For Athlete’s Foot (With a Few Slight Side Effects)
One test subject; look how freaking happy he is.
(image source: wpclipart.com)
I’ve finally done it.
I’ve developed a permanent and foolproof cure for athlete’s foot.
It’s brilliant in its concept and elegant in its simplicity.
For the small cost of just $99.99, (with an unreasonably exorbitant shipping and handling cost, which I will inform of after you’ve made the purchase) I will send you my product.
The kit includes the following items:
- A high quality hacksaw.
- A tourniquet guaranteed to stop spurting blood.
- A bottle of aspirin.
- A finely crafted peg leg.
Note: For a small additional cost, I will send you the jumbo sized bottle of aspirin, you’re probably going to need it. If you should happen to have any morphine lying around the house, that would be good too.
Imagine all the ways that using my product can make your life better:
- You’ll never again have to deal with the burning scourge of athlete’s foot.
- You’ll never again slip on the ice and sprain your ankle. You might slip on the ice and break your neck, but you won’t sprain your ankle.
- You’ll never again stub your toe on a piece of furniture as you stumble toward the bathroom in the middle of the night.
- You’ll never again spend the night on the couch after yelling at your spouse/girlfriend/lodger for moving a piece of furniture.
- You can’t “ruin” Thanksgiving by dropping a frozen turkey on your aunt’s foot (if she’s used my product).
Note: your aunt’s presence has already ruined Thanksgiving; she’s an ogre.
- You can dress up as a pirate on Halloween.
- Mahogany peg legs are super classy.
There are a few slight drawbacks in the use of my product; all of which, I will inform you of in tiny unreadable print that scrolls across the bottom of screen at light speed.
Some of these slight problems are:
- Massive loss of blood can make you woozy.
- Carpenter ants are tenacious.
- So are termites.
- Dry rot.
- Anal sores. (I have no idea why this happens-it just does.)
- Beavers might steal your leg and incorporate it in the construction of a dam. (It happens more than you would think.)
- Woodpeckers.
- Mole holes in the backyard become especially hazardous.
- You can’t drop a frozen turkey on your aunt’s foot. Secretly, you really did enjoy that; she’s an ogre.
- It cuts the exorbitant cost of sock purchases in half.
- Christian Bale will come to your home and hurl insults at you; he’s kind of a dick.
- Your golf game may suffer a bit. And groundskeepers tend to get really pissy about the imprints that a peg leg leaves on the putting green.
- Splinters.
- The snide, hey Yellowbeard where’s your parrot, remarks from your coworkers.
- Truthfully: I have very little concern for the efficacy of this product or your actual well-being.
All I need now is approval from the FDA. Unfortunately this has been far more difficult than I had anticipated. The people at the FDA are really uptight and condescending, and they tend to throw around words like irresponsible and unthinkable, a great deal more than is necessary.
It’s been a long process, but according to one source from the FDA, all I’m waiting on now is a cold day in Hell.
My product would result in another happy customer, and a tasty appetizer.
(image source: wpclipart.com)
I have also been working on a permanent cure for jock itch. Those results haven’t been quite as promising.
(image source: wpclipart.com)
idiotpruf 
the jock itch and a permanent woody made me loose my train of thought! ha! ha!
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It always makes me lose my train of thought.
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The best solution is often the simplest. Honestly, I’d think that the FDA would be throwing money at you and INSISTING that this become the norm in hospitals the world over.
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The FDA seems more intent on throwing insults.
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I dunno; I think you could successfully spin the cure for jock itch. I can see it now: “Revolutionary new procedure cures jock itch and gives patients a permanent woody!”
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How did I miss it?
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Uh, what happens if both feet have the fungus? Do you have to buy double the product? This could be a hard sell, but otherwise I can’t imagine why it wasn’t approved yesterday. 🙂
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Buy as many as you’d like. Buy for your friends and family. Buy in bulk. Just buy.
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How about some ether or something to take the real edge off during the “process”?
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It’s already included. Just use the same peg leg for a well-aimed smack to the head prior to the procedure.
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Very unprofessional.
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Oh but it is, because I wear surgical gloves.
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I’m not some fancy street surgeon you’d find in an alley.
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Bah, Humbug, you could just stop trying to be athletic … no athlet, no athlet’s foot … It is easier, as you might think. Just sit on your couch, drink loads of cans of beer and soda (with REAL sugar) and order pizza galore.
This is the natural health professional (aka charlatan) approach.
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Done and done.
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I’ll be sure to add your treatment plan to our electronic medical record template. I don’t even think we need to change anything. We’ll just input it as is under “Athlete’s foot.” Thank you!
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I’m an innovator much like Dr. Kervorkian.
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