Bursting With Pride in the Great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania
A resident of the great commonwealth of Pennsylvania has reported to police that his 1973 Winnebago motor home was vandalized by a Bigfoot. The windows and tail lights were broken out with what he described as a fusillade of rocks.
Note: isn’t fusillade a fun word to use?
In the police report the suspect was described as, “very large, brown in color, and walks somewhat hunched over.” The victim was unable to describe whether or not the attacker “was hairy” investigators added.
Evidently in an attempt to avoid discovery the ape-like creature began to hurl rocks at the Winnebago.
Note: avoiding discovery is only 8th or 9th on my list of reasons to hurl rocks at things.
In an odd coincidence, it seems the victim happens to be a Bigfoot hunter and has a Facebook group devoted to such. His Facebook page offers some advice if you come face-to-face with a Sasquatch. Here are couple of gems, copied exactly as he wrote them:
Bigfoot tip #1: when being chased by a sasquatch run up hill if its a male .. they have an extended forehead so they have to stop offten to look up.
Note: I don’t know if the victim pronounces the T in often, but he obviously adds an extra F.
Bigfoot tip #2: if its a female run down hill they have no bras so they got big ole lady boobs and when running downhill they flop about and they have to stop to plop them over their shoulders…..
Note: I hope that image is now seared into your brain.
Here in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania we are simply bursting with pride.
So did they catch the bigfoot or is it still an open case?
He’s in a halfway-house in North East Pa. for wayward mythical creatures.
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I… I’ve never been grateful for my modest rack until this very moment. I won’t thank you for that, but I will thank you for introducing me to my new favorite Where’s Waldo photo (seriously, people, go look at the Facebook group cover photo… it’s a typical bit of wilderness with random shapes and arrows drawn all over it, indicating lord-only-knows-what).
I do what I can.
Basically, if you see a Sasquatch, run up to it first to determine if it’s a male or a female, and after making 100% sure, head to the nearest hill and run up or down depending on the Bigfoot’s gender.