I’ve finally done it.
I’ve developed a permanent and foolproof cure for athlete’s foot.
It’s brilliant in its concept and elegant in its simplicity.
For the small cost of just $99.99, (with an unreasonably exorbitant shipping and handling cost, which I will inform of after you’ve made the purchase) I will send you my product.
The kit includes the following items:
- A high quality hacksaw.
- A tourniquet guaranteed to stop spurting blood.
- A bottle of aspirin.
- A finely crafted peg leg.
Note: For a small additional cost, I will send you the jumbo sized bottle of aspirin, you’re probably going to need it. If you should happen to have any morphine lying around the house, that would be good too.
Imagine all the ways that using my product can make your life better:
- You’ll never again have to deal with the burning scourge of athlete’s foot.
- You’ll never again slip on the ice and sprain your ankle. You might slip on the ice and break your neck, but you won’t sprain your ankle.
- You’ll never again stub your toe on a piece of furniture as you stumble toward the bathroom in the middle of the night.
- You’ll never again spend the night on the couch after yelling at your spouse/girlfriend/lodger for moving a piece of furniture.
- You can’t “ruin” Thanksgiving by dropping a frozen turkey on your aunt’s foot (if she’s used my product).
Note: your aunt’s presence has already ruined Thanksgiving; she’s an ogre.
- You can dress up as a pirate on Halloween.
- Mahogany peg legs are super classy.
There are a few slight drawbacks in the use of my product; all of which, I will inform you of in tiny unreadable print that scrolls across the bottom of screen at light speed.
Some of these slight problems are:
- Massive loss of blood can make you woozy.
- Carpenter ants are tenacious.
- So are termites.
- Dry rot.
- Anal sores. (I have no idea why this happens-it just does.)
- Beavers might steal your leg and incorporate it in the construction of a dam. (It happens more than you would think.)
- Mole holes in the backyard become especially hazardous.
- You can’t drop a frozen turkey on your aunt’s foot. Secretly, you really did enjoy that; she’s an ogre.
- It cuts the exorbitant cost of sock purchases in half.
- Christian Bale will come to your home and hurl insults at you; he’s kind of a dick.
- Your golf game may suffer a bit. And groundskeepers tend to get really pissy about the imprints that a peg leg leaves on the putting green.
- The snide, hey Yellowbeard where’s your parrot, remarks from your coworkers.
- Truthfully: I have very little concern for the efficacy of this product or your actual well-being.
All I need now is approval from the FDA. Unfortunately this has been far more difficult than I had anticipated. The people at the FDA are really uptight and condescending, and they tend to throw around words like irresponsible and unthinkable, a great deal more than is necessary.
It’s been a long process, but according to one source from the FDA, all I’m waiting on now is a cold day in Hell.
I have also been working on a permanent cure for jock itch. Those results haven’t been quite as promising.