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idiotprufs

the blog that made the pope laugh so hard he peed himself.

Archive for the day “June 13, 2017”

Running Man

sweaty runner

I just want to share a conversation I had with a exuberant runner.

Runner: Do you want to know what I think.

Me: I sincerely doubt it.

Runner: You should start running.

Me: I would need a good reason to start running.

Runner: The cardiovascular benefits.

Me: That’s not a good enough reason to start running.

Runner: What’s a good enough for you to start running?

Me: If I were on safari in Africa and a pack of elephants stampeded toward me, I would run.

Runner: That’s ridiculous.

Me: No it’s not. If you were on safari in Africa and a pack of elephants stampeded toward you, you would definitely want to run.

Runner: I mean a good reason.

Me: Not being trampled to death by elephants is pretty good reason.

Runner: Don’t you want to have better stamina as you get older?

Me: Better stamina? I can climb at least two or three flights of stairs before the searing pain in my side renders me unconscious.

Runner: Is that how you want to live?

Me: Listen, I’m fine. I walk at least two miles every day–I get plenty of exercise.

Runner: But walking doesn’t give you the same high you get from running.

Me: I smoke crack while I walk, so getting a high isn’t really a problem.

Runner: Now you’re just trying to be stupid.

Me: I’m not trying–it’s really no effort at all.

Runner: Tell me what it would take to get you to run.

Me: Well, if I was in Tokyo and Godzilla attacked…hey, where are you going.

Evidently getting away from me is also a good reason to run.

elephants

You’d better run!

 

 

 

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A Temper Tantrum and a Mostly Jet Black Truck

black truck

The guy who drives this vehicle must be awesome.

Have you ever met a person so full of braggadocio, arrogance, and testosterone, a person so self-absorbed, that fitting his ego in any room smaller than a gymnasium would present more difficulty than stuffing a hippo into an airplane restroom?

Well I have.

(Met a guy like that I mean–I’ve never tried to stuff a hippo into an airplane restroom. You probably couldn’t even get a hippo past TSA–those guys are pretty handsy.)

It happened while I was working as a quality control inspector at a steel coating plant. I was in my office dutifully doing paperwork when a man burst through the front door and announced in a booming voice, (I may be paraphrasing a bit here) “I am the greatest man alive.”

He began telling the plant manager about his jet black truck. His jet black truck was awesome. Everybody loved his jet black truck. Women especially loved his jet black truck–almost as much as they loved him.

In the span of ten minutes he said the phrase, jet black truck, 4,167 times (give or take.)

“You have to come see my jet black truck,” he told the plant manager. “I parked it behind the building. I don’t want any other vehicles driving past it and kicking up dust; I don’t like the way dust looks on my jet black truck.”

As Mr. Awesome and the plant manager went to view the jet black truck, I went out onto the shop floor to do some spot checking.

As I was talking to a coworker, I noticed Mr. Awesome and his big bulbous face, steaming toward us at about 1000 miles an hour (again, give or take.)

“You have to get the paint off my truck,” he said with a sense of urgency.

“But if I take the paint off your truck, it won’t be jet black anymore,” I said.

He cursed at me, called me an idiot, and told me to follow him.

As my coworker and I watched him storm away, my coworker turned to me and said, “he seems like a dick.”

I nodded in agreement and began to follow him. I was almost certain whatever the problem was, it would amuse me.

As I turned the corner and saw his truck I knew immediately what had happened.

I laughed–he cursed at me again.

It was warm breezy summer day and the bay doors were open. One of the painters was coating some safety rails near the open doors. As he was doing so, a fine mist of paint was wafting out the door and a breeze (as if it consciously knew what it was doing) was depositing the mist on Mr. Awesome’s jet black truck.

The side of his jet black truck was speckled with safety yellow coating.

A little scientific fact: the two colors that contrast the most to the human eye are black and yellow; it’s why warning signs on the highway are black and yellow. This was jet black and safety yellow–it was stunning.

He pointed at the truck and yelled, “what do you see?”

“A mostly jet black truck,” I answered.

“How am I going to get that yellow paint off,” he demanded.

I offered him the wad of sandpaper that I had in my back pocket.

He cursed at me–a lot.

“Without damaging the finish!”

“That ship has sailed,” I told him.

Mr. Awesome then threw a yelling, screaming, kicking, cursing, spitting, hissy fit. I’d never seen anybody above the age of eight throw a tantrum like that–I think he may have peed himself a little. It was basically a five minute torrent of pure obscenity with a few words like idiot, incompetent, and moron mixed in.

The painter, the plant manager and I just stood and watched–I really enjoyed it.

Mr. Awesome punctuated the tirade by looking at the painter and screaming, “what do you have to say for yourself?”

“You’re the idiot that parked behind the building,” he said calmly. “You’re supposed to park in the parking area. That’s why it’s there–to park in.” Then he walked away.

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” I assured him.

“Why not,” he asked.

“This is Pittsburgh,” I said, “everything here is black and gold.”

It didn’t make him feel better–but I felt great.

warning sign

Warning: don’t park your jet black truck here, idiot.

Race Results Overturned by a Hare

turtle wins

The result in dispute.

LAS VEGAS, NV–In a shocking turn of events, the Nevada Gaming Commission has vacated the results of the infamous Tortoise vs. Hare race. The gaming commission, following an extensive investigation, has determined the results to have been unduly influenced by outside manipulation.

“Our suspicions were first piqued by the fact that hares tend to be very quick animals, while tortoises tend to be extremely slow animals, almost painfully so. Have you ever found yourself stuck in line at the supermarket behind a tortoise? It’s just a nightmare,” the gaming commissioner said.

The commissioner also reported suspicious activity in wagering surrounding the race. “Basically just the idea that anyone would bet heavily on a tortoise to defeat a hare in any kind of race is highly suspicious.”

Adding to the questions swirling around the race was the Hare’s sudden rise from a hole in the ground in a field, to a lush garden in a penthouse.

“I’ve invested wisely,” the Hare told us, “if you think one rabbit’s foot is lucky, I’ve got four of them.”

When pressed about alleged connections to a notorious Las Vegas bookmaker, the Hare refused comment, only pausing to mutter, “I’ve no plans to become hasenpfeffer.”

The Tortoise maintains his victory to be hard fought and legitimate. “Slow and steady wins the race,” the Tortoise reminded us.

“We have heard the ‘slow and steady’ argument before,” the commissioner replied, “but our research indicates, being slow is not a desired trait when you’re trying to win a race of virtually any kind. In fact, it tends to be quite a detriment.”

The Tortoise has filed an appeal and plans to appear before gaming commission. They’re still waiting for him to arrive; he is very slow.

gambler

The Hare’s associate claims to be on the up and up.

 

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