idiotprufs

the blog that made the pope laugh so hard he peed himself.

Archive for the tag “garden”

Cukes, Smug Neighbors, and Other Signs of Summer

 

vegetable garden

Your smug neighbor’s robustly growing garden–you needed a place to pee at night.

Your smug neighbor has planted his annual garden. In the coming months, he will regale you with baskets of fresh vegetables and tales of his horticultural prowess. He will explain to you that his garden has produced so overwhelmingly, that his own family couldn’t possibly consume all the bounty themselves. He will bring jars of homemade pickles and relish. “Everyone in the world loves homemade pickles and relish, especially the way my wife makes them,” he will tell you.

Stupid neighbor.

You decide to plant own garden in the corner of your yard. You want fresh tomatoes, zucchini, squash, maybe a few cukes. You have no idea what cukes are, but it’s fun to say so want them. You can imagine the results that will cover your dinner table. You can imagine the praise you are certain to receive from guests, satiated by the efforts of your labor and toiling. You have high hopes.

Unfortunately you run face first into one tiny problem: you are complete shit at growing things. (Except for ear hair–you grow ear hair like a wookie.)

You purchase a progression books as your efforts continuously fail:

  • The Beginner’s Guide To Growing A Garden.
  • The Idiot’s Guide To Growing A Garden
  • The Beginner-Idiot’s Guide To Growing a Garden.
  • Grow A Garden Even If You’re A Chimp, (And Not One of Those Clever Chimps That Can Do Sign Language, but One of Those Dopey Chimps That Eats It’s Own Poop).
  • The Guide To Growing A Garden if You’re Presence Destroys Life.
  • The Giant Catalog Of Plastic Plants.

Those books are now deposited in a bin labeled: things to be shred, burned, and buried in a deep hole.

Note: you purchased a few plastic plants, they inexplicably turn brown and fell apart. You choose to ignore the metaphysical ramifications that you are able to kill plastic.

Undaunted, you redouble your efforts.

After being told Native Americans placed a dead fish with the kernel when they planted corn, you consider raiding the family fish tank, but you don’t want to go through that drama again. Seriously, who gets that attached to fish?

Modifying slightly, you put a fish stick in the ground with every seed you plant. It doesn’t seem to help. You write a nasty letter to Mrs. Paul’s frozen seafood company, making wild accusations about artificial ingredients.

Mrs. Paul, who lives down the street from you accidentally receives the letter. Icy stares ensue.

Stupid Post Office.

Your snarky neighbor comments on how sickly your cukes look, but how your weeds are growing robustly.

You try come up with a clever retort, but you’re not clever.

“You’re a cuke,” you finally yell…five minutes after he’s left.

At last you have some success, only to discover that fresh vegetables are enjoyed by several of nature’s pests: bugs, worms, mice, gophers, and Gerald the neighbor kid.

You also discover that Gerald likes to pee on things. You purchase a taser, but you won’t use it on Gerald–the local authorities have confiscated it.

Stupid local authorities.

Finally, you discover the answer to all your problems; it’s called the farmers market.

Your dinner table now abounds with natures bounty, the fruits of hard labor and toiling, just not yours.

These are cukes. I've always had trouble with homonyms.

These are cukes? It looks like the Jolly Green Giant took a dump.

Advertisements

Pi a La Mode and Butterflies

butterfly

MARCH 14
National Children’s Craft Day
National Learn About Butterflies Day
Pi Day
National Potato Chip Day

I am so gad I checked the National Days Calendar today. I’d be tearing my hair out if I had missed National Potato Chip Day again. It is that magical time that only comes once a year.

And today is also National Pi Day! I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about Pi lately.

Well, to be honest, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about Pie lately. But National Pie Day is January 23rd and can’t wait that long for some delicious pastry goodness.

And pies are round, so you can use Pi to determine the circumference of your pie. I think I’ll celebrate by getting myself a nice blueberry pie and have 3.14 slices…a la mode.

But the really exciting thing about today: it’s National Learn About Butterflies Day.

So I’m going to impart some of my extensive butterfly knowledge to the fine readers of this blog.

  • Butterflies are insects.
  • Flies refer to butterflies as the “clowns” of the insect world.
  • Butterflies don’t like butter and they really hate flies.
  • Butterflies are attracted to nectar-producing flowers that have red, yellow, orange, pink, or purple blossoms. Much like many of the Kardashians. (Similar brain mass.)
  • Butterflies often have brightly colored wings with unique patterns made up of tiny scales. Much like many of the Kardashians.
  • Butterflies hate being compared to the Kardashians.
  • Butterflies hate it when you mistake them for moths. (Moths are the mimes of the insect world.)
  • Mothra is giant butterfly that routinely battles Godzilla…and occasionally a Kardashian.
  • According to a gardening website, you can make butterfly snacks. (I ate twelve butterflies before I realized the website meant snacks for butterflies.)
  • Butterflies taste horrible and they get stuck in your teeth.
  • Lepidopterophobic is what you call someone with a fear of butterflies. The word pussy also works.
  • Scientists report there are between 15,000 and 20,000 different species of butterflies.
  • Scientists spend way too much time counting butterflies.
  • Monarch butterflies will travel thousands of miles to reproduce.
  • Butterfly Tinder sucks.
  • Most caterpillars are herbivores; the rest love pulled pork.
  • Butterflies have taste receptors on their feet.
  • Despite that thing about their feet–butterflies tend to be very smug.
Mothra Godzilla

Mothra battling a Kardashian…possibly Godzilla, it’s hard to tell.

You are now practically a butterfly expert.

Now you can spend the day munching on potato chips, calculating the volume of spheres, and ruminating on your newfound butterfly expertise.

You’re Welcome.

Final Note:

You may have noticed I ignored the fact that today is also National Children’s Craft Day.

Yes. Yes I did.

bowl of butterflies

This is a bowl of snacks for butterflies. It is not a bowl of butterflies to snack on…Idiot.

Post Navigation

%d bloggers like this: