idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the month “January, 2025”

31 Jan 2025
3 Comments

So Many Questions

I recently saw a news story that had the following opening sentence.

“Texas Longhorns assistant football coach Jeff Banks and his stripper ex-girlfriend have tied the knot three years after being sued by the parents of a child who the stripper’s pet monkey bit at a neighborhood haunted house display.”

Is that not awesome?

Five questions immediately leaped to mind:

  1. Why did the article refer to Jeff Banks’s wife as his ex-girlfriend; you had a friend who introduced his wife to people as his ex-girlfriend, she would punch him in the face.
  2. Why was the pet monkey at the haunted house? I feel like monkeys are easily startled.
  3. Did the monkey bite the child because it was startled, or was it just a mean monkey? Was the child a brat child who was taunting it?
  4. Was the brat child okay, or did the child acquire some weird monkey disease, grow fur and a tail and start flinging poop around?
  5. Was the pet monkey just a pet, or was it a part of the stripper’s act?

Well, the article answered none of these questions; it just droned on about how beautiful the bride looked and what a joyous occasion it was.

It did disseminate the bit of information that the bride’s stripper name was “Pole Assassin,” which was an appreciated tidbit.

I’ll bet the monkey’s name was Glitter.

I’d also wager the kid was a brat who had it coming.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , ,
27 Jan 2025
2 Comments

Now You’ve Blown It

One of your key resolutions this New Year was to stop wasting your time on social media, reading dreadful posts devoid of intellectual value of any kind.

The type of posts written by a pasty-faced geek with zero social grace.

The kind of drek that burrows into your brain takes root and festers until it has transformed you into a drooling half-wit.

Well–you’ve blown it now, haven’t you?

You might as well crack open that bottle of MadDog 20/20, rip open that pack of Camels, and start eating cookie dough straight from the tube because you’ve just taken the first step into a spiraling abyss.

Better luck next year.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , ,
24 Jan 2025

Ungulate Whore and Few Other Search Terms
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18 Jan 2025
2 Comments

Dante’s Inferno Vacation

Jamestown, NY–When Virgil and Beatrice, an unassuming couple from a small city in Western New York, booked a vacation package through Dante’s Travel Agency, they were anticipating a needed injection of excitement into their life, a break from the humdrum.

“We purchased the Inferno package,” Beatrice explained, “it seemed like it would be fiery and exhilarating.”

The vacation they got was not what they anticipated.

“Our vacation started at a spot the brochure referred to as The First Circle of Hell; that’s a colorful name, I thought to myself; this ought to be fun.” Beatrice solemnly shook her head before adding, “I was mistaken.”

To the couple’s dismay, they discovered their vacation consisted of nine days of going from one circle of Hell to progressively worse circles of Hell.

“Tomorrow will be better, we kept telling ourselves, but it never was,” Beatrice told us. “The brochure promised interaction with famous people,” she continued with a scowl on her face, “but Judas, Hitler, and Ted Bundy are not the best dinner companions.”

“Hitler slurps his soup,” Virgil added.

Beatrice went on to describe how the ninth and final day of the vacation was the most distressing: “We had this big meet and greet with Satan himself,” she said. “He was loud and obnoxious, and he wreaked of burning flesh and sulfur…and he just wouldn’t shut up about how telemarketing was all his idea.”

“We were looking for tropical drinks with umbrellas and seaside barbeques,” Virgil added as he trembled, “not for lost human souls writhing in torment and agony by a lake of fire.” 

“This has all been very hard on Virgil,” Beatrice explained. “He’s very sensitive; he has the heart of a poet.” 

When asked what they planned to do now, Beatrice replied, “We’re just going to go home and get some sleep; it was impossible to get even a wink with all three of Cerberus’ heads barking incessantly every night.”

Posted in Humor, Jamestown, NY and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
09 Jan 2025
2 Comments

What the Hell, Google?

The other day, I went to Google in search of a bit of information, as I am an inquisitive individual, and I began my request with the word what.
A perfectly normal word with which to begin a search for knowledge.
If I had typed in the question, what is a perfectly normal word to begin a question with? The word what could have easily been the answer.
However, as I typed in the word what and hit the space bar, Google, without hesitation, auto-filled the remainder of my question with: what mushrooms shouldn’t you eat out of cow poop?
What the hell, Google?
That’s not even remotely the question I was going to ask, and I’m a little offended that you presumed that was the direction I was heading.
In fact, Google, you popped that out so quickly it was as if you were just waiting for me to type the word what so you could shove that remark about the mushrooms in cow poop in my face.
If I had typed in the word who, would you have responded with: who likes to eat mushrooms out of cow poop, you maybe?
Maybe I was about to inquire about the unified field theory and how it allows all fundamental forces and elementary particles to be written in terms of a single type of field or about the influence of French Baroque architecture on the 17th century.
I wasn’t going to ask either of those things; I was going to ask if Dandelion Yellow crayons actually taste like dandelions, but you didn’t know that.
I was curious because the Banana Mania-colored crayons tasted absolutely nothing like bananas–I mean, it wasn’t even close.
I wrote a strongly worded letter to the Crayola company.
It’s not even a question I need answered; you should almost never eat mushrooms out of cow poop. When I say almost never, I mean only do it when nobody is watching.
If Crayola had a crayon color named Mushrooms in Cow Poop, I certainly wouldn’t eat that; I’ve had enough disappointment in my life.
So, from this point forward, you can keep your opinions to yourself. Let me ask the questions.
Questions like: what is the best way to get crayon out of your teeth?

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , ,

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